The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution…

1920 x 1080

[Catfish]

Shamelessly stole that:

The passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers are beginning to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip rapidly approaches.
With only a few yards left, everyone in the cabin screams, but the plane lifts off just in time.
The passengers all breathe a huge sigh of relief, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five.

“You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

[Jimbuna]

^ I liked that :)

[Jimbuna]

I saw a naked man jogging in the snow the other day. I asked him what he was doing outdoors naked and he said it was because I was home early.

[Jimbuna]

Since my wife left me I’ve been left with a really big gap to fill.. She was quite fat and we had a memory foam mattress.

[Jimbuna]

After years of marriage I’ve learnt that you can tell a lot about a woman just from her hands. When she’s holding a frying pan and waving it around that usually means she’s angry.

[Jimbuna]

Just had a really interesting conversation with a Psychology graduate about how on average people tend to day-dream about 40% of the time. He also said something else that was interesting but I forgot the rest of the conversation, will have to ask him again next time he serves me in McDonald’s.

[Jimbuna]

Stop Press
John Travolta rushed to hospital with suspected covid infection- but doctors confirm it is only Saturday Night Fever (and he is Staying Alive) Turns out he had chills that were multiplying!

[Jimbuna]

My house cleaner is really starting to become annoying. She keeps asking me to move out and says she wants a divorce.

[Jimbuna]

Met somebody at work today called William Hill, what are the odds?

[Platapus]

Met somebody at work today called William Hill, what are the odds?


I am sure that was terribly clever, but don't get it :doh:

[Texas Red]

I don't get it either. :(

[Catfish]

It is probably one of those jokes you only hear in England, where the only humour exists worldwide, not supposed or wanted to be understood by bloody foreigners. Not that the latter would be interested anyway, like in what the royal family is doing, or not, or maybe :O:

Seriously (since it is a joke), is that from an english TV show and betting? Or something to do with Bill Hill, or being hill-william :hmmm:

[mikesn9]

gee, thanks guys, I don't get it either, and I usually do get his jokes.

[Jimbuna]

William Hill are a national chain of bookmakers/gambling shops just like Ladbrokes.

Bookmakers give odds on betting but the same can be said of meeting someone going by the same name as the bookmakers company hence, what are the odds on that? :/\\!!

[Jimbuna]

Got given a Jehovah’s Witness advent calender today. Every time you open the door there are 2 people standing behind it.

[Jimbuna]

Had a really stiff neck when I woke up this morning. My wife said she hopes it spreads.

[Platapus]

I guess it is too late to return 2020 for a refund?

[Col7777]

@Jimbuna,

I got your William Hill joke as I'm in the UK, when I first saw it I said to myself, "I bet 10-1 a lot won't get that."

Col.

[magic452]

At the store in the checkout line was an X that told me where to stand.

I've seen too many Roadrunner cartoons to fall for that crap!


Magic

[Catfish]

William Hill are a national chain of bookmakers/gambling shops just like Ladbrokes.
What a fitting name for a bookmakers/gambling shop :haha:

[Jimbuna]

@Jimbuna,

I got your William Hill joke as I'm in the UK, when I first saw it I said to myself, "I bet 10-1 a lot won't get that."

Col.

Rgr that :salute:

[Jimbuna]

How do you find a blind man in the nudest colony?
It ain’t hard.

[Jimbuna]

I heard on the radio today that a warlord in Afghanistan has purchased over 3 million poppies. It’s great to see Islamic military leaders showing their respect to the British Armed Forces.

[Jimbuna]

Just handed in my resignation to quit my job as a psychic. I just don’t see a future in it.

[Jimbuna]

Don’t you just hate it when insects make you late for work in the morning. I’m never gonna high-five a centipede again!

[Catfish]

^ omg :dead:

:rotfl2::rotfl2:

[Col7777]

Paddy and Mick went on holiday to Canada, while they were there they went Moose hunting.
After a week they had shot 6 Moose, they had them loaded on a pickup at the local airfield waiting for the plane to take them to Toronto to get the flight home.
The light aircraft landed and the pilot said he couldn't take 6 Moose it would be too heavy for the plane, well Paddy and Mick started arguing with the pilot telling he the pilot last years took 6 Moose and he had a plane very much the same.
Eventually the pilot agreed and they loaded the Moose on board, the plane struggled to take off, it got to near the end of the runway when it just about lifted off and did a very slow climb, the pilot had it a full throttle.

They were flying for about an hour and the plane was struggling, it slowly started to lose height, the pilot was doing his best to keep it in the air but the plane was dropping fast and it crashed, killing the pilot.
Luckily Paddy and Mick crawled out of the wreckage unharmed, just slightly bruised.
Mick said to Paddy, "Wow that was lucky, have you any idea where we are?"
Paddy replied, "Yes I think we are not too far from where we crashed last year."

[Jimbuna]

Got breathalysed by the police last night while driving home from a fancy dress party dressed as the Titanic. I was a nervous wreck.

[Jimbuna]

A lady at work today was complaining because she said the escalator was broken. I told her “escalators never break, they just become stairs”.

[Col7777]

I often refer to the missus as my Trophy Wife...
She's not good looking or anything, but she has got some really massive ears.

[Jimbuna]

So much has changed since my girlfriend got pregnant. Like my name, address and telephone number!

[Jimbuna]

Why is it that people who own guns are considered a danger to society but it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to own a meat clever and a human-sized freezer?

[Col7777]

Mate of mines a Pilot and while he's been laid off he been helping me decorate, he's made a lovely job of the landing.

[Jimbuna]

I accidentally crashed my car into the back of a midget earlier today.He said “I’m not happy!”, so I said “well which one are you then?”

[Jimbuna]

Went to a barbershop today for a shave. The barber wanted me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth to get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I said: “What if I swallow the ball?”
He said: “No problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

[Col7777]

A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[Jimbuna]

:har:

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/RhR9BQ8h/96430969-3290137714377023-3430685984734314496-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Col7777]

Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and why during this terrible time?
He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

[Jimbuna]

Just a quick note to say thanks to everybody for all the wonderful birthday cards and money yesterday. And to the Royal Mail for giving me the job.

[Col7777]

An American tourist hires a car to drive around Ireland. On the 3rd day he gets a flat tyre just outside a small village.
He walks on into the village and sees an old man sitting on a wall smoking a pipe.
He says to the man "Excuse me sir, do you know if there is an airline in this village?" The old man looks up and says, "Airline? We don't even have a bus stop!"

[Jeff-Groves]

yep. you lost me on that one.

[Catfish]

Didn't you find the air line?

[Jeff-Groves]

:/\\!!

You got me!
:har:

[Col7777]

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.
Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "For Christ sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

[Jimbuna]

It’s amazing how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your trousers and get into one of their beds.

[Jimbuna]

To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when he asked, “Who’s going to pay the therapist?”

[Col7777]

Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents. Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.

After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body. “Mom,” said Lisa nervously, ” I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”

After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”

“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy, how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!”

[Jimbuna]

Man: Hi wanna dance?
Woman: Yeah sure!
Man: Ok go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!

[Jimbuna]

If Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were drowning in a swimming pool, what type of sandwich would you make?

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/RFSWp9Zk/Untitled.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Col7777]

A woman rings her Mother-in-Law and says "Can you please tell me who's job it is to change a child if it poos itself?"
She replies, "Sorry dear but it's always the mums job",
"Fine," she said, "Can you come over, your son got drunk and s**t himself."

[Platapus]

If Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were drowning in a swimming pool, what type of sandwich would you make?


On this forum?


A submarine sandwich of course. :Kaleun_Wink:

[Jeff-Groves]

On this forum?


A submarine sandwich of course. :Kaleun_Wink:

:har:
Actually? I'd forgo the sandwich and just video the event.
Probably get 7 million hits on YouTube.

[Col7777]

I just got fired from my job as a set designer.

I left without making a scene.

[Jimbuna]

My wifes dancing is terrible, she has two left feet. I should never have married a woman from Chernobyl.

[Jimbuna]

An attractive lady and an old man are sitting next to each other on a bus, the following conversation takes place.

Lady: Can you help me get something off my breasts please?
Old man: Yeah sure it would be my pleasure, what is it?
Lady: Your eyes

[Col7777]

I walked by a homeless guy, he had a sign that said "One day this could be you."
So I put my money back in my pocket in case he was right.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/nz1ygHgt/96248392-1396486727228261-4599813925662359552-o.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Col7777]

The wife and I have decided not to have children... The kids are taking it particularly badly.

[Platapus]

Getting some good clever ones now. Well done. :up:

[Catfish]

Getting some good clever ones now. Well done. :up:
Best joke of the year :O:

[Col7777]

My wife Ivy has been in isolation for over a week now... She's climbing the walls.

[Jimbuna]

My wife told me I was one in a million. After looking though her text messages I found out she was right.

[Jimbuna]

Just told my wife I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist. She told me she’s been seeing a psychiatrist, a bartender and two plumbers.

[Col7777]

Single woman with hand sanitizer would like to meet a single man with toilet rolls for good clean fun.

[Jimbuna]

Feeling quite depressed. Gave my friend £10’000 for plastic surgery but now I don’t know what he looks like.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is really beginning to annoy me. I took her out for a meal yesterday and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, double whopper with cheese!

[Col7777]

Unable to find toothpaste due to empty shelves, I decided to chew on my dog's toy bone instead... Now my mouth is squeaky clean.

[Platapus]

I never had it easy. It started when I was born.
After the Doctor slapped me, I found out that the nurses got in a few themselves.

[Platapus]

I finally made the decision to join Alcoholics Anonymous.


I still drink, I just use a different name

[Platapus]

Growing up was tough.


I asked my father if I could ice skate on the frozen lake by our house.


He told me to wait until it got a little warmer. :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

[Jimbuna]

My doctor is such an idiot. He recently told me I need to loose weight and recommended I start eating apples instead of potato chips, I’m pretty sure apples weigh more.

[Platapus]

My wife tells me I am the sunshine of her life


She told me that every time she looks at me, her eyes start to hurt. :shifty:

[Col7777]

Asked a young girl in the shop today what's a good product to kill Coronavirus on worktops , she said "Ammonia Cleaner" I said sorry love I thought you worked here.

[Platapus]

Asked a young girl in the shop today what's a good product to kill Coronavirus on worktops , she said "Ammonia Cleaner" I said sorry love I thought you worked here.


that's another one that I am sure is very clever, but I can't understand it. Is it a dialect joke?

[Jeff-Groves]

I'm only a cleaner

[Col7777]

Thanks for the above Jeff.

A simple one:



I once made a belt out of watches... Total waist of time.

[Jimbuna]

Whoever persuaded blind people they need to wear sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

[Jimbuna]

Had a one night stand last year that went horribly wrong, we’re now married.

[Col7777]

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.
This one was written in London.

[Col7777]

A fella decides he's going decorate the staircase so he knocks on the next door neighbours door to ask him how many rolls of wallpaper he got when he did his. The fella replies, "10."
So off he goes to the shop to pick the wallpaper.
Once he has the wallpaper on the walls he knocks on the neighbours door again and says, "I got 10 rolls for my staircase but I was 2 rolls short," and the neighbour says, "So was I."

[Jimbuna]

Someone close to me died the other day. Luckily there was another space available on the bus so I moved seats.

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday my boss told me “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. Today when I turned up at the office dressed like a Ghostbuster he told me I was fired.

[Col7777]

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."

"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"

"She smells of elephant dung."

[Mr Quatro]

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[Jimbuna]

Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house. That will teach my wife for saying she doesn’t need me anymore.

[Jimbuna]

My wife used to be afraid of the dark until she saw me naked, now she’s afraid of the light.

[Col7777]

My boss asked me to get him a bulldog clip today.

So I emailed him a YouTube video of one riding a skateboard.

Col.

[Jimbuna]

Earlier today Prince Philip sent a message to the President wishing him a happy Independence Day. His message said “You did a great job destroying the alien mothership and humanity is forever grateful.”

[Jimbuna]

A lion would never cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood.

[Col7777]

My son came in from school and said, "The teacher gave me a B for my Biology practical."

I said, "That's good, well done."

He said, "No it isn't. Everyone else got a frog to cut up."

[Col7777]

I helped my wife with the dinner last night.

I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the radio today that someone in the world crashes their car every 30 seconds. Maybe they should take away his licence.

[Jimbuna]

My dishwasher broke down the other day. Hopefully when I buy her some flowers tonight she will cheer up a bit.

[Col7777]

I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

I just need help getting it off the ground.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve spent the last 3 years looking for my ex-wife’s killer… Still can’t find anyone to do it.

[Jimbuna]

My psychologist told me not to keep things bottled up so I went home and drank all my wine.

[Col7777]

After insulting her cooking once too often, the wife's not making tea for me tonight.

Well, either that or the smoke alarm's broken.

[Jimbuna]

Government has announced new plans to help first-time buyers which is great. They have as much right as anyone to have a house repossessed.

[Jimbuna]

My mate said “It must be strange having a surname like Head”

I said “It’s much worse for my uncle Dick”

[Col7777]

My wife ran off with my best friend... Now, when I throw the stick, it just stays there.

[Catfish]

^ ^^ ^^^ begin to like the new jokes :D :haha: :up:

[Eisenwurst]

Two nuns are riding their bikes through the town.

The first nun says "Gee sister I've never come this way before".

The other nun says "Yeah, it's the cobblestones".

[Col7777]

I cleaned up at the casino last night.

I really should look for a better job.

[Aktungbby]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/c8/b0/92/c8b09229f51b0def613e91617ebc4702.jpg

[Col7777]

Bought some voice activated gates, they react to the Wife's voice, they haven't stayed shut yet.

[Eisenwurst]

If God made everything.......he must be Chinese.

[Col7777]

I was really distraught when I woke up today to find thieves had broken in and stolen my rare minerals and soils collection.

It wasn't worth much, but it had a lot of sedimental value.

[Eisenwurst]

Confucius says "Man who run through Airport Turnstiles backwards, going Bangkok."

[Platapus]

You know those sex toys that people put in their yards that look like little houses with the hole in the side?


Evidently they are intended for birds


#awkwardtalkingtoneighbors

[Platapus]

What would happen if women, instead of having periods, would have apostrophes?


I think they would be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe I’ve been banned from Walmart. Apparently when the checkout girl said “strip down facing me” she was talking about my credit card.

[Jimbuna]

Woman: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Man: “No… But your face does.”

[Col7777]

I've left three separate notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.

They say... "Will", "You" & "Me"

That'll keep her busy whilst I watch the TV.

[Eisenwurst]

What happens when you sing Country Music backwards?

You get your wife and job back.

[Col7777]

I hate people who use decimal numbers.

If I was in charge, I'd round them all up.

[Col7777]

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works.

He's missing, presumed red.

[Eisenwurst]

What's the definition of a Gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play the Accordion, but doesn't.

[Platapus]

What's the definition of a cad?


A man who does not tell his wife that he has had a vasectomy until after she gets pregnant.

[Col7777]

My doctor said I have repetitive strain injury on my eye lids.

It's a blinking nuisance.

[Jimbuna]

I had a wet dream about someone who looked just like you last night. I peed myself laughing when I hit you with a car.

[Jimbuna]

Just recently finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 5 months, the box said 2-4 years.

[Col7777]

I keep telling everyone squirrels just won't stop attacking me.

They probably think I'm nuts.

[Jimbuna]

My psychiatrist says I have a fear of speed bumps but now I’m slowly beginning to get over it.

[Jimbuna]

The wife and I were sitting on the couch watching the TV and it was boring so I thought I’d start a conversation.

Me: How many men have you had in total?
Wife: Are sure you want to know?
Me: Yeh, go on.
Wife: 7.
Me (after a pause): so I was number 7.
Wife: no, you were number 2.

[Platapus]

That is so wrong. :D

[Col7777]

I used to be poor... Then I bought a Thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I suffer from exhibitionist tendencies.

I should get that looked at.

[Jimbuna]

If the KKK think white people are so great why do they dress like Muslim Women?

[Jimbuna]

The other day my wife asked me to buy her something to make her look nice so I went to the liquor store.

[Col7777]

Deleted!

Sorry not PG.

[Eisenwurst]

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Cause it was stuck to the chicken's bum.

[Texas Red]

Q... "Have you ever had sex on a bouncy castle?"

A... "Yeah, but my wife doesn't like it when I call her that."

Col777, might wanna keep your posts PG btw.

Great joke anyways, that made me snort so loud :har:

[Col7777]

Yes sorry I thought it might be a bit naughty I will delete it if I can.

Col.

[mikesn9]

Yes sorry I thought it might be a bit naughty I will delete it if I can.

Col.


Why? Aren't we all adults here?
Besides that joke was a joke...enjoy some humor.

[Col7777]

My boss fired me for my fanatic long jumping.

So I came out of his office and cleared my desk.

[Jimbuna]

Got a letter today through the post that was addressed to ‘The Occupier’ which was strange because there are no Israelis living here.

[Jimbuna]

Psychic wanted: £200,000 per year offered including company car. Please email your CV to the address which appears in your crystal ball.

[Col7777]

My mate came to me and said he wanted to start breeding dogs.

So I gave him a couple of pointers.

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about the amazing new chimpanzee diet for weight loss? All you have to do is eat 20 bananas a day and spend about 12 hours climbing trees.

[Jimbuna]

Got approached by a woman today who said that she would do anything for £10. Guess who just got their car washed?

[Col7777]

My wife wanted me to tie her to the bed this morning.

I don't know why but I'm sure she'll explain when I get back from my day's fishing.

[Col7777]

I phoned the incontinence help line, they asked "Can you hold?"


Col.

[Texas Red]

If my girlfriend doesn't start being nicer to me, I'm totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this crappy relationship for 2 more years.

[Jimbuna]

Just got an email from a Nigerian king asking for my bank details to send me $1 million. They must think I’m stupid, after going to the trouble of kidnapping his daughter and holding her in my basement I need at least $10 million.

[Jimbuna]

You remind me of Mondays… Nobody likes you and you make me feel tired.

[Col7777]

It's the final of the UK Microwave Challenge tonight.

Apparently, things could get heated.

[Jimbuna]

My local church have now installed Wi-Fi to help improve communication. Are they finally admitting praying doesn’t work?

[Jimbuna]

My doctor told me today that I shouldn’t drink alcohol every day. “That’s fine”, I said, I only drink at night anyway.

[Col7777]

The dogs in my area are so clumsy.

I've just had to untangle yet another one from a post outside the newsagents.

[Platapus]

My girlfriend is claiming that I got her pregnant.



She is using a new pregnancy test and it shows that she is 98.6% pregnant.

[Jimbuna]

My wife´s suspicious mind is really begining to annoy me. Last night after looking at my calendar she wanted to know who May was.

[Jimbuna]

Lost my job as an airline pilot last week… Apparently all roads don’t lead to Rome.

[Col7777]

I entered a "Best Beard" competition today but I only came second.

I really shouldn't have allowed my wife to enter as well.

[Catfish]

^ :haha:

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/MHSyMr5x/102558883-953074955147569-7072967531920621568-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

Had a really great night out last night according to my police report.

[Platapus]

A good friend will bail you out of Jail at 4 in the morning


A great friend will be sitting next to you saying "Man that was so fun!"

[Col7777]

My wife's doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow, and I am genuinely terrified that the chute might not open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.

[Jimbuna]

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security don’t like it when you shout ‘hi-Jack’.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the biology teacher split up with the physics teacher?
Because their was no chemistry

[Col7777]

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a slice of bread.

The birds were all over me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
"What do you want for Sunday lunch?" asked my wife earlier. "There's chicken, lamb or beef."

It was a tough choice.

But then everything she cooks is tough.

[Platapus]

Why did the biology teacher split up with the physics teacher?
Because their was no chemistry


Guess there was no proper spelling between the two of them either. :D:D:D

[Jimbuna]

My wife said she was going for a beauty sleep last night. I said “Ok, see you in 3 months time”.

[Jimbuna]

I’m not saying my dad’s the jealous type, but we were never allowed to be breast fed.

[Col7777]

I'm thinking of planning on being more spontaneous in the future.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was watching Jurassic park the other day, then I thought, "Not only does my daughter have a stupid name, she's cant drive either".

[Texas Red]

My girlfriend is claiming that I got her pregnant.



She is using a new pregnancy test and it shows that she is 98.6% pregnant.

:har::haha:

Here is my joke:

You might be a redneck if...
You have a deer stand on your Christmas tree

[Col7777]

I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read "Future Events."

It was a sign of things to come.

[Texas Red]

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, they're efficient and not very funny.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a female postal worker in china?

Mai Ling

[Jimbuna]

Threw a lemon into my friends face as a joke last week, he’s quite bitter about it.

[Platapus]

On my last trip to LA, I thought I saw Ron Jeremy at a gas station


I think it was Ron Jeremy


Before I could get closer for a better look, he had removed the fueling nozzle and was spraying gasoline all over his car.

[Platapus]

How many USAF Academy graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Only one. He just holds the light bulb and the whole damn Air Force revolves around him

[Catfish]

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please".
The Italians did not know the word "honest".
The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was.
The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food".
Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about "the rest of the world".

[Catfish]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

[Jimbuna]

Don’t know why everyone suddenly thinks North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-Un is crazy. It was obvious after he made that song ‘Gangnam Style’ that something wasn’t quite right with him.

[Jimbuna]

My friend doesn’t trust me. I told him he could borrow my Microsoft Office 2003 but he said my word wasn’t good enough.

[Catfish]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Platapus]

Headline: Fruit truck crashes, creates jam.

[Col7777]

I have been working in a mirror factory for years now.

It's what I've always seen myself doing.

[Catfish]

Two men walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.

[Catfish]

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, they're efficient and not very funny.
And how many Americans does it take?
"Hundreds of thousands because that's how many light bulb changing jobs I am going to create. Probably more. I don't know how many, but it will be yuuuuge. And I'll tell you this, it will be better and cheaper than any light bulb changing you've ever seen. Do you know how many light bulb changing jobs we lost while Obama was in office? Guess! People say at least a million. I say more. But you can bet Crooked Hillary was behind it. I can see her now in court "You had no knowledge of the servers?"... "No, I was busy changing lightbulbs..." And if we had a REAL Attorney General she would be in court..."

Americans screw themselves instead of light bulbs :O:

[Catfish]

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired.

[Eisenwurst]

Heard this in a pub. Not really funny but I find it amusing.....

Two Romans walk into a cafe.

"What'll you have?."

"Just a salad, Caesar".

"And you Brutus?".

[Texas Red]

:haha:

I find that amusing :haha:

[Platapus]

Man walks in to an old Greek tailor's shop holding a pair of pants



The the tailor, pointing to the pair of pants, asks, "Euripides?"


The customer replies, "Yes, Eumendides?"


(rimshot)


(Crickets chirping)


Well it went over well in Classic Lit class. :D

[Jimbuna]

And how many Americans does it take?
"Hundreds of thousands because that's how many light bulb changing jobs I am going to create. Probably more. I don't know how many, but it will be yuuuuge. And I'll tell you this, it will be better and cheaper than any light bulb changing you've ever seen. Do you know how many light bulb changing jobs we lost while Obama was in office? Guess! People say at least a million. I say more. But you can bet Crooked Hillary was behind it. I can see her now in court "You had no knowledge of the servers?"... "No, I was busy changing lightbulbs..." And if we had a REAL Attorney General she would be in court..."

Americans screw themselves instead of light bulbs :O:

:haha:

[Jimbuna]

Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe I wasn’t allowed to emigrate to Australia because of my criminal record. You’d think they’d be more understanding given the history.

[Jimbuna]

Went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me.

[Jimbuna]

I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night. After 5 glasses I can’t remember what happened and I woke up on the kitchen floor with an empty bottle.

[Col7777]

So this Roman geezer walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up to the barman and says, "Five beers please"

[Catfish]

I like all those romans' jokes :D
I'll order a Brutus salad next time..

The latter with the two fingers could also read "Five beers for the guys from the sawmill".

I did not get the Euripides etc. joke, whatever i pronounce it it never makes sense.
"You rye pie dees" pronounced in english?
In german it would pronounce Oi ree pee das.
So something with Pee? Pi? -> confused

[Eisenwurst]

Sometimes I envy Julius Caesar.

He died surrounded by all of his friends.

[Eisenwurst]

I like all those romans' jokes :D
I'll order a Brutus salad next time..

The latter with the two fingers could also read "Five beers for the guys from the sawmill".

I did not get the Euripides etc. joke, whatever i pronounce it it never makes sense.
You rye pie dees?
In german it would pronounce Oireepeedas.
So something with Pee? Pi? -> confused

OK.....

"Euripides?" - did you rip these?

"Eumenides?" - you mend these?

......my university education was not wasted.

[Col7777]

I've just won the 'Most secretive person 2020' award.

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

[Col7777]

I caught the neighbour's cat in my garden today.

You should have heard the noise when I took the hook out of it's mouth.

[Col7777]

Someone said they like the Roman jokes.

Well I for one like them too.


Col.

[Eisenwurst]

Caesar and Brutus got a take away pizza.

When they got home Caesar noticed there were 2 slices missing.

He turns to Brutus and says...........

[Platapus]

I did not get the Euripides etc. joke, whatever i pronounce it it never makes sense.
"You rye pie dees" pronounced in english?
In german it would pronounce Oi ree pee das.
So something with Pee? Pi? -> confused

OK.....

"Euripides?" - did you rip these?

"Eumenides?" - you mend these?

......my university education was not wasted.


Yes it is is a dialect joke which seldom translates well


Euripides - you rip a dese - you rip a these - you rip these.



Eumendies - you mend a deses - you mend a these - you mend these


Dialect jokes rarely translate well across languages.

[Platapus]

Caesar and Brutus got a take away pizza.

When they got home Caesar noticed there were 2 slices missing.

He turns to Brutus and says...........


I would imagine he would have said
Éklepses tin pítsa mou? :D

[Eisenwurst]

Actually it's not that sophisticated.

He just said " Et Tu Brutus?" .......you had to be there, as they say.

[Catfish]

re EW: .. ate two, Brute ..
edit ok too late :haha:

and thanks for the explanations :up:

[Catfish]

I wonder why i always got two in Rome, when i ordered Martini

[Jimbuna]

A hypnotist was brutally attacked on stage yesterday after he instructed a member of the audience to pretend to be a lion.

[Jimbuna]

Went shopping last week to try and find some camouflage trousers, couldn’t find any.

[Col7777]

Sargent said to Paddy, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning," Paddy replied, "Oh thank you sir."

[Eisenwurst]

Some bloke just told me I have no culture. Hah I told him. Michaelangelo didn't paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling all by himself, he had his 3 brothers to help him.

[Jimbuna]

I went to a psychic the other day and asker her if I was gonna go to jail in the future….. She said no so I robbed her.

[Jimbuna]

Since his release on bail Oscar Pistorious has decided to spend the weekend clay pigeon shooting to relax. So far he’s accidentally killed 2 elephants and shot a Jeep that was on safari.

[Catfish]

Since his release on bail Oscar Pistorious has decided to spend the weekend clay pigeon shooting to relax. So far he’s accidentally killed 2 elephants and shot a Jeep that was on safari.
And I guess they were all in his lavatory, with the door closed..

[Jimbuna]

And I guess they were all in his lavatory, with the door closed..

Pure coincidence or so he reckons :03:

[Col7777]

The inventor of the Slot Machine tried for months to work out how to make it work and then finally the Penny dropped.

[Col7777]

I was reading a Nigerian man was found dead in his house in Nigeria.
When police entered they found tons of money in every room, it appears he was a billionaire and had been trying to give it away on the internet but nobody answered his emails.

[Jimbuna]

I’m proud to say I donated over $10 million to disabled gymnasts in Eastern Europe last year. Apparently they contacted my bank to let me know that ‘the invalid Czechs were bouncing’ which is great news.

[Jimbuna]

I lost my grandad last year. He’s not dead he’s just wandering round ikea.

[Jimbuna]

My neighbor recently received an unexplained head injury while in his garden and had to go to hospital. Luckily his house is only a stones throw away from mine and I was able to find him and call for help.

[Jimbuna]

This year has seen the coldest winter since records began for countries in the northern hemisphere. It’s been so cold that numerous politicians have actually been seen with their hands in their own pockets.

[Catfish]

^ :haha:

[Col7777]

Jim mentions the cold in the above post.

I can remember once going camping in February with a few mates, it was well below zero and we were shivering, as we were talking our words were freezing as they were coming out of our mouth.
So we had an idea, we lit a small fire and put them in a pan to thaw them out just to see what we were talking about.


Col.

[Jimbuna]

Two birds were sitting on a tree and one looked at the other and said, ‘Damn today really FLEW by’.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said “come on, get in the car we’re going to the petrol station”.

[Col7777]

I've just bought my pet duck a face mask so I can take him for a walk during covid-19 restrictions.

It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

[Col7777]

One birthday my parents bought me a pair of flip flops with 2 toy cars sellotaped to the bottom.

They were a pair of cheapskates.

[Col7777]

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his plane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

[Jimbuna]

Saw a female police officer stripping last night at a club.

I had no idea the recession had hit the police force this hard!

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the radio today that global warming is being caused by methane emissions from cows. Does this mean scientists are finally admitting global warming is bullsh!t?

[Col7777]

My mate played a trick on his wife, he swapped her sleeping tablets for laxatives, anyway the joke backfired on him.

[Col7777]

I spent £200 on Ebay yesterday for a cheese grater, it was once by Adolf Hitler then later Stalin owned it... It was The grater of two evils.

Col.

[mikesn9]

I spent £200 on Ebay yesterday for a cheese grater, it was once by Adolf Hitler then later Stalin owned it... It was The grater of two evils.

Col.


BOOOOO! HISSSS!

[Jimbuna]

Feeling quite angry, just lost to my computer at Chess but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

[Jimbuna]

Just got a really big response to my advert on the internet saying ‘Wife wanted’. In about 2hrs I had over 300 emails saying ‘you can have mine’.

[Col7777]

I bought a small amount of heroin today.

Well, I gave a homeless guy a £1.

[Col7777]

I was going to buy lottery tickets on the way home from work, but I was running late, so in order to save time I decided to throw my money out the window instead.

[Eisenwurst]

"Hey Brutus. Nice dagger !"

"Thanks Caesar, I got it at Traitor Joes."

[Platapus]

I spent £200 on Ebay yesterday for a cheese grater, it was once by Adolf Hitler then later Stalin owned it... It was The grater of two evils.

Col.




Oh yeah?


Well my grandfather rented out an apartment to Mussulini. Hitler also put in an application. My grandfather decided on the lessee of two evils.

[Jimbuna]

Why can’t elephants go on the beach?
Because they can’t keep their trunks up.

[Jimbuna]

I'm selling my roof for free… I guess you can say it's on the house!

[Platapus]

If you want to harvest ivory from elephants don't go to Africa. Go to Alabama. I hear that the tuscaloosa there.

[Jimbuna]

^ nice one :)

[Platapus]

The original was



“It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.”


— Groucho Marx

[Platapus]

Always remember that 28.35 grams of prevention are worth 0.45359 kilograms of cure.

[Platapus]

I was obsessing about my weight.


I guess a waist is a terrible thing to mind.

[Col7777]

I've got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

I called him Alen.

'Cos he's missing an eye.

[Col7777]

I'm off to a fancy dress party this weekend disguised as a Tupperware box.

I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.

[Platapus]

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

[Jimbuna]

I accidently ate some Christmas decorations the other day and now I have a really sore throat. I went to the doctors and he said it looks like I have tinsel-itus.

[Jimbuna]

Q:What do you do if your wife keeps moaning at you?

A:Put the phone down and order another drink from the bar.