The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

[Jimbuna]

On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.

“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”

[Jimbuna]

Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked.

“Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?”

“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”

[Jimbuna]

I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay — that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating. “Don’t expect me to replace it,” she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy. By the time Father’s Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch. Attached was a note with this stipulation: “DRY-CLEAN ONLY!”

[Jimbuna]

A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. “What’s the matter, honey?” she asks him.

“It’s my father,” the boy says, sobbing. “He hit his finger with a hammer.”

“Then why are you crying?” she says.

“Because first I laughed!” he answers.

[Jimbuna]

Our priest asked how things were going with my father. "Well, he has issues," I replied, then shared a few details.

After listening, he said, "Issues? Sounds like he’s got a year’s subscription."

[Jimbuna]

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.

“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”

“What happened?”

“My father couldn’t stand her.”

[Jimbuna]

The family was viewing old slides and one flashed on the screen that caught everyone’s attention. My father, wearing his favorite golf shirt, was holding me at the tender age of three weeks.

The look on his face told all. “There’s my prize possession,” my father said.

Touched, I smiled at him as he continued, “I wonder whatever happened to that golf shirt?”

[Jimbuna]

It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert. I’d get in the fighter’s stance and start shadowboxing. Jabbing with both fists, I’d say, "One-two, one-two," and he would imitate me over and over.

I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our son to a birthday party. When the boy’s mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to Robert and asked, "Would you like one too?"

It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.

[Catfish]

“29th March 2019 is going to be amazing! I’m going to wake up in my Union Jack jim-jams to the sound of a squadron of Spitfires racing overhead and leaving a trail of hot buttered crumpets behind them

I’ll run to the corner shop past all the British children who are laughing and squealing with excitement as they make a beautiful statue of the queen out of happy wriggling bulldog puppies – with two corgis for her eyebrows!

Bunting flutters everywhere and the man from the betting shop steps into the street – “Guess what! England just won the World Cup and The Ashes and The Grand National and here’s the best bit – Boris put a bet on it for everyone! you’re all MILLIONAIRES!!!”

The red arrows fly overhead dropping fish and chips as I walk into the corner shop, get my morning paper and go to the counter. “How much please?” I say to the Asian lad there. “1 pence, everything in the whole shop now costs just 1p!” he laughs, “leave it on the counter, I’m off back to Pakistan – we all are!”

And he’s right! Outside in the streets jolly old Nigel Farage is leading a huge crowd of happy foreigners – Turks, Poles, Romanians, Syrians – there’s even a few English people with heavy suntans mixed up in there! Nigel’s playing Rule Britannia on a long pipe, rather like the pipe that takes the gas into your oven, and they’re all following and smiling and talking foreign, bless them!

Just then Boris flies overhead in a Concorde made of Bank of England gold – “Don’t worry!” he laughs “I’ve cut out all the bits the French made!” and with that he crashes into the ground at 1200 miles an hour, along with the economy, the country and all the dozy nostalgic foreigner-fearing xxxxwits who fell for his bullxxxx."

[Jimbuna]

^ I enjoyed that :)

[Jimbuna]

On vacation my nine-year-old son, Ryan, and I were at the pool, where two attractive young women wearing thong bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that Ryan kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me.

When they got up to leave, Ryan watched them particularly closely. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when he turned to me and whispered, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine has an adopted son who, at six-foot-one, loves to play football. The boy was applying to a clubs academy, and a section of the application called for him to write a brief essay about himself. My friend got a lump in his throat as he read his son’s words: "Most of all I am thankful that I am adopted…"

Then my friend got a cold dose of reality as he continued: "because my dad is so short."

[Aktungbby]

HOW TO TRAIN FOR THE NAPA MARATHON: http://www.hilariousgifs.com/i/UTH2Spe.gif:Kaleun_Cheers:

[Commander Wallace]

A blonde woman and her daughter were having lunch and talking back and forth. The daughter braced herself and told her mom that her boyfriend had gotten her pregnant.


The mom thought things over before telling her daughter, to cheer her up. " Look on the bright side, maybe the baby isn't yours. "

[JU_88]

https://memecollection.net/rip-gary/

[Jimbuna]

A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.

[Jimbuna]

My fitness coach told me to bend down and touch my toes. I said, “I don’t have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?”

[Catfish]

Mitsubishi won at Pearl Harbour.
Why should Wolfsburg be a problem for them?
(car sticker)

[Jimbuna]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[Jimbuna]

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

[Jimbuna]

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.

“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”

[Jimbuna]

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”

“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only £200 a visit.”

Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For £200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for £10.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

[Jimbuna]

After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”

“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”

[Eisenwurst]

On a quiz show the contestant gets asked..... "What were Eve's first words to Adam in the Garden of Eden?."

The contestant says "That's a hard one".

[Jimbuna]

Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror.

"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."

[Platapus]

Perhaps only peopel who have studied law will find this mirthful, but here is a classic

A law professor, an appellate judge and a criminal trial judge are duck hunting.

In the blind, the three place a friendly wager on who will bag the first mallard.

When a bird finally flies by, the law professor turns to a textbook, matches one source against another and finds a helpful illustration, but by the time he makes his decision, the bird has flown away.

Another bird comes into view and the appellate judge steps forward. After checking pertinent cases, decisions and precedents, the appellate judge takes aim, but again the bird is gone.

When a third bird crosses overhead, the trial judge slides between the other two, raises his shotgun and blows the winged creature clear out of the sky. "I hope to hell that was a duck," he says. "

[Jimbuna]

I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to attach EKG cables.

"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.

"None," said the patient.

Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn’t so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"

[Jimbuna]

It was time for my dog’s annual checkup. Following the vet’s instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."

[Jimbuna]

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," John whispered. "I quit."

"That"s good. When did you quit?"

"Around 9:30 this morning."

[Jimbuna]

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You’re about to have a disease named after you."

[Jimbuna]

As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I’m going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.

"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."

[Jimbuna]

At the dentist’s office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can’t sue you?"

"No, that’s the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."

[Jimbuna]

A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy’s still sick. So the doctor gives him a shot. But that doesn’t help his condition either.

"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"I’ll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.

"I know. That I can cure."

[Jimbuna]

As I left my office at the National Cancer Institute, I passed one of our researchers by the front door puffing away on a cigarette.
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."

[Jimbuna]

When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.

"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."

"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

[Jimbuna]

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."

"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest."

"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."

[Jimbuna]

BETTER JOB
After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their problems and pay me for my advice."

As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."

[ReFaN]

my daughter indentifies as a small group of words standing togheter as a conceptual unit, Typically forming a component of a clause. Should i be worried or is it just a phrase?

[Platapus]

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

[Platapus]

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

:o:o:o

[Platapus]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”


The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.


“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”


Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.


“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”


The boy licked his cone and replied:
“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”


:yeah:

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine was working as a nurse in a West Australian coastal town when a tourist came into the medical center with a fishhook lodged deep in his hand. Since it was the weekend, my friend had to summon the doctor from home.

The tourist was dismayed to see that the doctor was young, had long hair and wore sandals and a very casual shirt. "You don’t look much like a doctor to me," he said dubiously.

The doctor examined the hook in the tourist’s hand and responded, "And you don’t look much like a fish to me."

[Jimbuna]

Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when an extremely nervous patient came for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the reclining dental chair. The dentist then injected a numbing agent around the patient’s tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold.

When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment. "What are you doing by the surgical instruments?" asked the surprised dentist.

Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I’m taking out the ones I don’t like."

[Eisenwurst]

Pissed off girlfriend..... "I'm in love with a retard!!!."

Boyfriend..... "Is he bigger than me??."

[Jimbuna]

Suffering with a herniated disk in his back, my husband told his cousin that a well-respected doctor was treating him. His cousin asked the name of the doctor, and on hearing it, he replied, "I never heard of him—that’s a good sign." The cousin is a medical-malpractice attorney.

[Jimbuna]

Throughout her pregnancy, my wife insisted that she wanted no medication during labour. When the big day came, though, she wondered if she had made the right decision.

Knowing my wifes stance on drugs, the midwife did everything else to ease her pain. "You look uncomfortable," she said at one point. "Would you like to change positions?"

"Yes," my wife replied. "I want to be the midwife!"

[Aktungbby]

https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/sex-nuts_and_bolts-nuts-bolts-one_night_stands-contraceptive-mlyn3864_low.jpg (https://www.cartoonstock.com/cartoonview.asp?catref=mlyn3864)

[Jimbuna]

The contest was simple: Which department in the hospital where I worked as a doctor could create the best Christmas decorations? While they didn’t win first prize, the members of the proctology department did receive high honours with their distinctive sign, "Christmas is a good time to look up old friends."

[Jimbuna]

When my wife was about to have our first baby, we brought a tape recorder to the delivery ward to capture the sounds of the birth, the baby’s first cry and our doctor’s voice saying, "It’s a boy!" or "It’s a girl!" We intended to use the tape as a fun message on our answering machine to help announce the birth to friends and relatives.

My wife’s labour went relatively smoothly and, when it seemed appropriate, I inserted the blank tape and began recording. Shortly thereafter, our baby was born and we all heard the first cry. The doctor held up the baby and, with tape rolling, loudly proclaimed, "Wow, will you look at the scrotum on him!"

[Jimbuna]

A group of Alaskan housewives had gotten together for morning coffee and, since several of them were pregnant, the talk drifted to babies and doctors.

One of the women announced that she was now going to a woman doctor. "At least," she said, "I’ll be able to depend on my doctor being around during moose season!"

[Jimbuna]

We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

[Aktungbby]

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have joined forces to market a new erectile function pill in competition to Viagra.


It will be called ElonGates.......:arrgh!:

[Jimbuna]

Following a major hurricane, my husband worked long hours clearing the jumble of trees that littered our property. The longer he worked, however, the more painful it became for him to move his right arm.

He ignored my pleas to see the doctor until one night he yelped, "Ow! This is getting serious." As I turned to him in concern, he added, "Now it hurts to push buttons on the remote control!"

[Jimbuna]

Carol was pregnant with her first child, and her husband was about to leave on a two-week business trip. When Carol went to her doctor appointment, she had some questions.

"My husband wants me to ask you something—" Carol began.

The doctor interrupted her. "I get asked that question all the time," he said in a reassuring tone. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that’s not it!" an embarrassed Carol confessed. "My husband wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[Catfish]

"Does your family pray before lunch?"
"No, my mother can cook."

[Platapus]

When my wife was expecting, I asked the doctor about sexual relations with my wife.


The doctor said it depends on which trimester.


In the first trimester you can have normal sex in what ever position you two desire



In the second trimester you have to do it, "doggie style" so you don't put pressure on her belly.


In the third trimester you have to do it Coyote style.


I asked the doctor what Coyote style was.


He told me it was where I lay by the hole and howl.

[Jimbuna]

While dancing at a party, I tripped and stubbed my toe. Days later, my toe swollen and purple, I went to see a podiatrist. I told him how I hurt myself and admitted to feeling foolish at being so clumsy.

After X-raying my toe, the doctor said he didn’t need to do anything.

Anxious to speed the healing, I asked whether there was something I could do: "Should I soak it? Put it on ice? Is there anything you recommend?"

He smiled and said, "Take dancing lessons."

[Aktungbby]

at my advanced age, any thought of "getting lucky"...is pure phallacy!:timeout:

[Jimbuna]

Last New Year’s Eve found Bill in the hospital scheduled for an operation to remove hemorrhoids. So while others donned party hats and sipped champagne, Bill wore a hospital gown and swigged painkillers. That’s not to say the holiday spirit was completely absent.

The next day, January 1, Bill woke up to a banner on his bedroom wall. It screamed "Happy New Rear!"

[Jimbuna]

A customer walked into a pharmacy asking for a particular nasal spray. "You know, that brand is very addicting," the pharmacist her. "If it’s used for a prolonged period of time, your congestion can come back worse than before, prompting even further use."

"That’s ridiculous," scoffed the woman. "I’ve been using it every day for years."

[Jimbuna]

It had been a long time—seven years to be exact—since Brian had been to see his doctor. So the nurse told him that if he wanted to make an appointment, he would have to be reprocessed as a new patient.

"Okay," said Brian, "reprocess me."

"I’m sorry," she told him. "We’re not accepting any new patients right now."

[Jimbuna]

During a visit with my mother, who was in the hospital, I popped into the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck all the way in the back. When I couldn’t reach it, the woman in line next to me took control of the situation. Seizing a pair of tongs, she reached in and deftly fished out the piece of toast. "You must be an emergency-room worker," I joked.

"No," she said, "an obstetrician."

[Jimbuna]

I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise to Alaska and asked if he had any suggestions for avoiding the discomfort.

"Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don’t go overboard."

[Jimbuna]

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing at the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number. "Looks like 9 1⁄2 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes, it’s my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?"

He shrugged. "I’m a fisherman."

[Jimbuna]

I was hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse led me to believe that I was finally recovering when she announced excitedly, "Look, your wrinkles are coming back!"

[Jimbuna]

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. "I’m sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife’s inflamed appendix out a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" I asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix," he replied, "but surely you’ve heard of a second wife."

[Eisenwurst]

This is not a joke, but an embarrassing story that's funny in retrospect.

This happened in the early 1980s. It was legal then in Australia for video libraries to have porn on their shelves available for rental. Then the government cracked down really hard.

A good friend of mine, Juli, worked in a video library close to where I used to work. One day they get a tip off that the cops were gonna raid them the next day. So they load all the porn into their car boots/trunks to keep at home till things settle down.

Poor Juli didn't have a car, so she stuffed as much as she could into her backpack - the thing was really bulging - and caught the bus home.

The bus was crowded and she had to stand. The bus lurched and Juli fell down and the backpack came open and all the videos with their lurid/no holds barred covers spilled out onto the floor. The poor girl went as red as a beetroot as she scrambled to pick them all up.

An old lady picked one up and handed it to her, shaking her head in disapproval. Juli went even more crimson, but quick as a flash she said - "You know, there's just nothing decent to watch on Telly these days".

[Jimbuna]

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet—who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don’t know," he said. "She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

[Platapus]

A stewardess was watching over her passengers when an announcement over the PA. It became immediately clear that the pilot was accidentally broadcasting as he said


"Ya know, Jim, after a flight like this, all I want is a cold beer and a hot woman"


In a panic, the stewardess rushed forward to tell the pilot about the mistake when she heard one of the passengers say


"Excuse me, Miss, but you forgot his beer"

[Jimbuna]

Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:

"The patient refused autopsy."

"The patient has no previous history of suicides."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."

[Jimbuna]

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labour and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.

With a smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

[Jimbuna]

I was on duty as an emergency-room technician when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tyre from one of his toy trucks up his nose. The man was embarrassed, but I assured him this was something kids often do. I quickly removed the tyre and they were on their way. A few minutes later, the father was back in the ER asking to talk to me in private.

Mystified, I led him to an examining room. "While we were on our way home," he began, "I was looking at that little tyre and wondering, how on earth did my son get this thing stuck up his nose and…"

It took just a few seconds to get the tyre out of Dad’s nose.

[Jimbuna]

At a busy dental office, one patient was always late. Once when called to confirm an appointment, he said, “I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?”

“No,” He was told. “We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic.”

He arrived early.

[Jimbuna]

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn’t speak. The nurse put down the form, took my hands in hers and said, "Don’t worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it’s not a dangerous procedure."

"You’re right. I’m being silly," I said, feeling relieved. "Please continue."

"Good. Now," the nurse went on, "do you have a living will?"

[Platapus]

A doctor was examining this young lady when he noticed what appeared to be an abrasion rash, on her chest, in the shape of the letter "H". When he asked the lady about it, she blushed and said


"Oh, well you see, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweater while we are being intimate. Kinda embarrassing"


The doctor reassured the lady that while this was unusual, there was noting to worry about


Later, the doctor was examining another young lady and he noticed the same type of rash but this time it was in the form of the letter "Y".


When he asked his patient about it, she also blushed and said


"Oh, this is awkward, so you see my boyfriend goes to Yale and he likes to wear his sweater when we 'do it'.



The doctor reassured the patient that this was nothing to be concerned about.




His last patient of the day, was this young lady, who also had the same type of rash but this was in the shape of a "M".


Trying to be a wit, the doctor told the patient, I bet you have a boyfriend who attends Michigan State.


The patient looked confused but replied "No doctor, but my girlfriend attends Wharton. Why do you ask?

[Jimbuna]

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:

• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas

• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes

• Had a new guy conduct a “boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it

• Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)

[Jimbuna]

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

[Jimbuna]

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

[Jimbuna]

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”

He says, “My brother might be coming.”

[Jimbuna]

A little girl climbed up onto her grandfather’s lap and asked, “Did God make me?”

“Yes,” the grandpa replied.
“Did he make you, too?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” the girl said, looking 
at his wrinkles and thinning hair, “he sure is doing a better job nowadays!”

[Jimbuna]

Girl on skates. The ice was thin. Then it broke and she fell right in. Boy on bank heard her shout. Jumped right in and helped her out. Now they’re married. Very nice. But first she had to break the ice.

[Jimbuna]

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

[Jimbuna]

A couple was expecting a baby. On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

[Jimbuna]

Years ago, my dad started first grade in a one-room country school. When he returned home after that first day of class, his mother asked him if he liked it.

Dad answered, “I don’t see any reason to go back to that school, because the teacher had to ask me how to spell cat.”

[Jimbuna]

Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it.

Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a meeting.

Analyst: Who’s going to be at the meeting?

Marketing Manager: It’s a stakeholder meeting. So whoever wants to come. You know, it’s open to the public.

[Catfish]

I have to say, i'm all for brexit, and, especially, Ukip. Or the brexit party. Because they are serious about Otto von Bismarck's 19. century policy of isolating Britain.

[Jimbuna]

Martin Clunes: “Pollsters have detected the nation’s almost catatonic with boredom, so they’ve been trying to liven things up, anyone know how they’ve been doing that?”
Ian Hislop: “Well, they’ve been trying to get younger people in by calling the referendum ‘Votey McVoteface’.”

[Catfish]

I don't understand Britains problem with immigrants.
But i understand the immigrants even less.
Usually you try to move to where things are better?

[Jimbuna]

^Kai, are you posting that under the context of it being a joke?

[Catfish]

Absolutely :D

edit: oh you ... :haha::up:

[Jimbuna]

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

[Catfish]

"Britain would get a better deal if I could negotiate with myself"
(Michel Barnier)

[Jimbuna]

If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."

Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."

Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

[Jimbuna]

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.

"Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor," I said.

"Linda Jones, probation officer."

"Sam Clark, public defender."

"John," said the teen who was on trial. "I’m the one who stole the truck."

[Jimbuna]

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Peterson," she says. "Would you say you’re honest?"

"Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

"Dad sued me for the money."

[Jimbuna]

When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.

"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff’s lawyer.

"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.

"And how did that turn out?"

"I don’t know," she said. "Ask me when I’m dead."

[Jimbuna]

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"

"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that—you were the one who sent me there."

"That’s not possible," I said. "I wasn’t even a judge then."

"No, you weren’t the judge," the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. "You were my lawyer."

[Jimbuna]

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

[Jimbuna]

This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: “Wife wanted.”

He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

[Jimbuna]

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

[Platapus]

My wife had the three tributes that I was looking for most in a woman


Brains
Beauty
Very low standards when it comes to men.

[Jimbuna]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[Jimbuna]

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

[Platapus]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest....


My wife cut me down to only twice a week.

It's not so bad. There are a bunch of guys she cut down to twice a month!

[Jimbuna]

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

[Jimbuna]

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

[Jimbuna]

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

[Jimbuna]

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”

Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”

[Jimbuna]

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

[Jimbuna]

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days."

"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."

"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."

[Jimbuna]

Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."

That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.

"It’s late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?"

"Might as well," says Harry. "I’ll get in trouble if I go home."

[BossMark]

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 pounds.
-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

[Jimbuna]

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend #1: What’s a GPS override?

Friend #2: My wife.

[Jimbuna]

I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogues when I found something that made me laugh. "Look," I said to my wife. "What I’ve always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat."

"Get it," she said. "Then you’ll have an excuse for when you miss."

[BossMark]

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

[BossMark]

Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?”
-
Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

[Jimbuna]

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she’s there."

[Jimbuna]

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

[BossMark]

"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police captain asked the detective.

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of."

"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear' and he'd doze off."

[BossMark]

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says
“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day?”
No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”

[Jimbuna]

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honour, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas."

[BossMark]

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I died!"
The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"

[Jimbuna]

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden’s mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

[BossMark]

Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An Texan asked him if he was homesick. 'No,' replied the Irishman. 'It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.' 'That's terrible, how did that happen?' 'The cork fell out of me bottle', said Paddy.

[Jimbuna]

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband’s sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine-conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a "bug" planted by the conspiracy defendants.

The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.

"We’re not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays ‘Jingle Bells.’ "

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/I7CjI5u.jpg

[BossMark]

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour.

The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?"

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."

[Catfish]

^ :haha:


"Guru, tell me what is the secret of eternal happiness?"
"Not to argue with fools."
"Hmm, i don't think so."
"You are right."

[BossMark]

Donncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, 'Mac, where are we goin?' MacArthur replies, 'Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.' 'OK,' says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, 'Won't it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?' 'Don't be stupid, Donncha,' says MacArthur, 'the man said we'd be going at night.'

[Jimbuna]

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my wife groggily said, "You’re not going down there by yourself at this hour."

Just as I was thinking, How thoughtful of her, she added, "Better take the dog with you."

[Jimbuna]

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I climbed back in the boat; so did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I’m the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn’t get out until you did."

[BossMark]

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

[Jimbuna]

One evening my husband’s golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night my husband’s friend and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

[BossMark]

Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'
The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'
Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.
O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.
Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.
The Reverend Father goes the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '
This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'
Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'
The man opines, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'
The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'
The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'

[Jimbuna]

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things, saying boldly, "After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you’ll love the third one like it’s your own!"

[BossMark]

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons. Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.' Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.' 'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.' 'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

[Jimbuna]

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively.

"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."

[Jimbuna]

One day my housework-challenged wife decided to wash her sweatshirt. Seconds after she stepped into the laundry room, she shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

"Givenchy," she yelled back.

[Jimbuna]

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

[Jimbuna]

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband’s deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."

"Shh, not now," she replies.

"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.

"Yes, I know," she replies.

"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "

"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."

[Jimbuna]

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That’s up to you," I replied. "There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

[BossMark]

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?
”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean
“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”

[Jimbuna]

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."

[BossMark]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family."A frustrated father told his work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room he has a color TV, computer, game console, cell phone, iPad and DVD player."
"So what do you do?"
The father replied: "I send him to my room!"






A frustrated father told his work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room he has a coluor TV, computer, game console, mobile phone, iPad and DVD player."
"So what do you do?"
The father replied: "I send him to my room!"

[BossMark]

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub. Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'
Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.
'Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,
'Sorry, I don't live around here.'

[Jimbuna]

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

[Jimbuna]

As they left the gym after their first real workout in years, a husband and wife both felt energized. "Let’s renew our commitment to do it three times a week," the wife said.

"Absolutely," the husband agreed, "three times as a minimum."

"And no whining," the wife said. "No excuses."

"No, we’ll do it with energy and enthusiasm."

"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."

"The gym?" the husband said, crestfallen. "I thought we were talking about sex!"

[Jimbuna]

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she’d polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

[Jimbuna]

I think my wife’s going deaf," Joe told their doctor.

"Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment," the doctor said.

So that evening, when his wife was preparing dinner, Joe stood 15 feet behind her and said, "What’s for dinner, honey?"

No response.

He moved to ten feet behind her and asked again.

No response.

Then he stood five feet in back of her and tried again but still got no answer. Finally, he stood directly behind her and asked, "Honey, what’s for supper?"

She turned around. "For the fourth time—I said chicken!"

[BossMark]

Mike and Jimmy were walking home from town after a night of bar-hopping. They had no money to get a taxi and were staggering all over the place when they found themselves outside the bus depot on Danube Road.
Mike had an idea. He said to Jimmy, "Go in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and keep a watch for the police."
So Jimmy went into the garage and was gone for about twenty minutes. Mike was starting to wonder what was taking him so long.
Eventually Mike stuck his head around the door and saw Jimmy running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"Terry! What are you doing?" Mike asked.
"I can't find a number 47 anywhere Mike," Jimmy replied. "The 47 is the only bus that stops at our house."
Mike rolled his eyes. "Ohhhh," he groaned, "How stupid can you get? It doesn't need to be a 47 for us to get home!" He walked over to a bus. "Here, we'll take this one," he said. "It's a number 25. It stops at the roundabout. We can just get off there and walk the rest of the way!"

[Jimbuna]

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father’s date of birth?" she asked. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?"

"No, I hadn’t thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

[BossMark]

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

[Jimbuna]

One morning a customer entered a flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."

The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.

After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, the matter was considered closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. "You’ve got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home."

[Jimbuna]

My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. "I don’t know what you’ve brought in," she said, "but I can’t seem to get this out."

He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.

[Platapus]

I feel sorry for kids these days.


Back when I was a kid, I could take $1.00 to the corner drug store and come home with two candy bars, one soda and a comic book.


These days, there are cameras everywhere

[Platapus]

I finally had enough.


I told my new girlfriend that if she is going to call the police every time she catches me watching her from the bushes, that I don't this relationship will work out.

[Platapus]

If a tree falls on your ex and no one hears it


It is still a pretty good idea to hide the chain saw.

[BossMark]

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

[BossMark]

I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.
-
“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

[Jimbuna]

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.

"With this ring…" I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

[BossMark]

Paddy is ploughing his field with a steamroller. Seamus says “Paddy you dont plough a field with a steamroller you dozy twit!” Paddy says “Im growing mashed potatoes you thick sod!

[Jimbuna]

My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed out and bought it for him as a gift.

That evening as we were watching television, the same commercial came on. Slyly I glanced over at my husband just as he commented, "What kind of idiot would pay $42 for a baseball?"

[Jimbuna]

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. "I guess it was in our stars," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud."

[Jimbuna]

A Priest is driving down a country lane when he comes across a dead Baboon lying in the road.He went into the Police station to inform them of his find.A cocky young desk Sargeant laughed and asked,"did you give it the last rites?"."No"said the Priest,"I thought I'd best inform his next of kin first".

[BossMark]

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and I had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little sod, O’Conner,” says the bartender, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says the bartender, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?” “That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

[Jimbuna]

A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband decided to break the silence and say something sarcastic to his wife: “Look at all the cows and pigs in the pasture. Don’t they remind you of your relatives?”

The wife replied, “Yes, they do. They remind me of my in-laws.”

[BossMark]

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"










A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

[Jimbuna]

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

[BossMark]

A blonde police officer stops a car. In the car sits a blonde woman. The police officer asks for her driving license. The blonde woman is a bit puzzled and asks what a driving license is?

The blonde officer explains that it is the little thing with her picture on it.

The blonde woman roots through her handbag and fishes out her little cosmetic mirror. She hands it to the blonde police officer. The officer looks at it and says: Oh I’m sorry ma’am – I didn’t know you were also with the force. Please, drive on. “

[BossMark]

One blonde says to the other: "I did a pregnancy test."

The other nods appreciatively and asks, "And, were the questions really hard?"

[Platapus]

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”




And THIS pun does not warrant an infraction????????


That pun was so bad, I wished I had thought of it. :D

[Jimbuna]

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.

The physicist says, “The initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”

The biologist counters, “They must have reproduced.”

Finally, the mathematician suggests, “If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.”

[Jimbuna]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

[Platapus]

A mathematician, a physicist, and a mechanical engineer are given a test


They are told that if they enter a room, there is a voluptuous sexy lady at the opposite end of the room, waiting for each of them. The catch is that at any one time, they can only advance toward her half the remaining distance.



The mathematician does not even bother entering the room and explains that if he can only advance half the remaining distance that he will never be able to cross to the end of the room.


The physicist at least enters the room, takes some measurements, and leaves agreeing with the mathematician, but at least the physicist has measurements to back up his answer.



The Mechanical engineer goes in to the room, and one hour later comes out smoking a cigarette, hair messed, covered with lipstick kisses and a big grin in his face.


The mathematician and physicist protest both pointing out that by going only half the remaining distance that the end of room can never be reached.


The mechanical engineer replies that they are both right, but advance enough times it will be close enough for all practical purposes.

[Jimbuna]

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field 
maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.

The sergeant’s reply: “Completely, sir.”

[Jimbuna]

My 90-year-old dad was giving 
a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”

He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”

[Jimbuna]

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if I could borrow his master key.

“Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters.

[Jimbuna]

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.

[mikesn9]

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.

On a similar thought:
There are more airplanes lost in the ocean than submarines lost in the sky.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin.

“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”

His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”

“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”

[Jimbuna]

I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

"What letters?" I answered slyly.

"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

[Jimbuna]

The chief and I were on our submarine trying in vain to hook up some fire hoses. The wrenches we had didn’t fit the connections, so he resorted to banging away at the hoses to make things fit. Just then an ensign walked by.

"Chief," he yelled out, "I have a book on tools you can borrow."

"Get it!" shouted the chief. "It’s got to be heavier than this wrench I’m using."

[Catfish]

[...] There are more airplanes lost in the ocean than submarines lost in the sky.

What about airships? Maybe some rose too high to ever come back.. :hmmm:

[BossMark]

"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.

[Jimbuna]

I served in a parachute regiment. During a nighttime exercise, I was seated next to a young officer. He was looking a bit pale, so I asked, "Scared, lieutenant?"

"No," he replied. "Apprehensive."

"What’s the difference?"

"That means I’m scared, but with a university education."

[BossMark]

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.
'Now don't let me ever see your face again, 'said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
'I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir', said the released man.
'And why not?' .
'Because I'm the barman at your regular pub.'

[Jimbuna]

As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto "Death from above!" Later I noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared "Death from below!"

Then, standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet another warning: "Death from within!"

[Jimbuna]

Marines are known for storming the beaches, not for romance. I witnessed this firsthand at the base in Twentynine Palms, California. One of the enlisted men complimented the receptionist’s flowered jacket.

"It’s very pretty," he said shyly.

"Thank you," she replied coyly.

"Yeah," he went on. "It looks just like my mother’s sofa."

[Jimbuna]

While lopping branches off a tree in his yard, my company commander lacerated his leg with a chain saw, requiring a trip to the hospital and stitches. Our sergeant decided we should clean up the mess for him. On the office chalkboard were directions to his home, along with this clarification: "It’s the house with the limbs in the yard."

[BossMark]

Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

[Catfish]

To overturn a regime, you need

In country x:
- 10,000 soldiers
- 10,000 bullets
- 50 Mio. $

In Austria you need:
- 1 whore
- 7 cameres
- 2 idiots

[Jimbuna]

While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They had lost contact with one of their planes, and they needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to go find it. I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search.

"I can’t tell you," the Navy man said. "That’s classified."

[Jimbuna]

Pointing to a pan of chicken wings and legs disguised in the classic mess-hall manner, a young airman asked the mess sergeant, "What’s for chow?"

"Air Force chicken," replied the sergeant. "You want wings or landing gear?"

[Aktungbby]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' :O:

[Jimbuna]

Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi–annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn’t seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

[Jimbuna]

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.

"If the main parachute malfunctions," he asked, "how long do we have to deploy the reserve?"

Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, "The rest of your life."

[Jimbuna]

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.

“Our records show you make £500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

[Jimbuna]

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a £500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I’ve bought cars for £500!"

"That’s why I want the £500 suit," he said. "So I don’t have to drive £500 cars."

[Jimbuna]

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

"Please, ma’am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."

"That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"

"Their landlord."

[Jimbuna]

Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall. "That’s nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," says the tour guide, "it’s named for Joshua Hemingway."

"Was he a writer?" the student asks.

"Yes. He wrote a big cheque."

[Jimbuna]

Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you’ll put it in the casket."

After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.

Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn’t put the money in there."

"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Jimbuna]

With the economy improved, my son, Pat, finally found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.

One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked if he might attend. “Oh, sure,” his boss said. “You’re going to be the instructor.”

[BossMark]

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

[Jimbuna]

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved matter,” in Klingon.

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying its rough where I live, but Aldi are selling Fathers Day cards in packs of 5.

[Jimbuna]

What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:

• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

• Would the lightning be faster if it didn’t zigzag?

• What do you do with the snow when it melts?

[Jimbuna]

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund.

Client: You did my tattoo backward!

Tattoo artist: It’s backward?

Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!

[Jimbuna]

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.

“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”

[Jimbuna]

As I entered the elevator at our hospital, a disheveled-looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations.

I smiled knowingly and asked, “Does he look like you?”

“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”

[BossMark]

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced withprofanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistentlysaying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I couldthink of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird andput him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language andactions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions andI fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude andunforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramaticchange in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Jimbuna]

Recently I heard the former mayor of London, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”

[Jimbuna]

I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s a cute guy standing here.” Before I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”

[Jimbuna]

Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help: A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to Lady Godiva and said, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open drink containers in the library.”

[Jimbuna]

While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite 
on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room.
“I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.”

[Jimbuna]

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

[Jimbuna]

Mike went into work an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

“What happened to you?” his boss asked.

“I fell down two flights of stairs.” Mike said.

His boss was aghast. “That took you a whole hour?”

[Jimbuna]

When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.”

The interviewer looked skeptical. “No offense,” he said, “but you look older than 35.”

[Jimbuna]

A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"

"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not."

"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"

"I’m Batman."

[BossMark]

When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”

[Jimbuna]

When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?"

"Well," she answers, "I’ve been divorced three times."

[Jimbuna]

"Why did you leave your last job?"

"It was something my boss said."

"What did he say?"

"’You’re fired!’"

[Jimbuna]

Workers at the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark walked off the job after losing a prized perk: unlimited beer at work. They now have to settle for three beers at lunch. A worker told the Wall Street Journal that wasn’t enough: "I need a beer when I take a cigarette break."

[Jimbuna]

The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you’re no longer at your previous one. Here are rationalizations from cover letters that did no one any good:

"My boss thought I could do better elsewhere."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job hopping.’ I have never quit a job."

"Responsibilities make me nervous."

[Catfish]

They say this house is haunted.
But i saw nothing unusual in 237 years.

[Jimbuna]

While I was assigned to the space shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers requested a new dictionary. Following regulations, I asked him why he needed it.

I expected his answer to be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he said, "My current edition defines spaceship as an ‘imaginary aircraft.’"

He got his new dictionary.

[Jimbuna]

When my boss returned to the office, he was told that everyone had been looking for him. That set him off on a speech about how indispensable he was to the company.

"Actually," interrupted his assistant, "you left with the key to the stationery closet."

[Jimbuna]

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

[Jimbuna]

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

[Jimbuna]

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

[Jimbuna]

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

[Jimbuna]

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.

"But I filled them out last year," she replied.

"You have to fill them out every year."

"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"

[Jimbuna]

We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.

My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."

[Jimbuna]

The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."

[Jimbuna]

In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.

"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."

"Nice."

"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."

[Jimbuna]

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"

"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."

Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.

"I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."

[Jimbuna]

Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I’m so mad, I’m taking you off my pallbearer list!"

[Jimbuna]

My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.

"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."

[Jimbuna]

For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I’d love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favourite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.

"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.

"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."

[Skybird]

A series of cartoons by bogartcreek, with English text a bit down that page, when there are left and right arrows beside the cartoon. Black humour - you are warned.

https://ze.tt/hol-dir-ein-schlechtes-gewissen-indem-du-ueber-diese-makaberen-cartoons-lachst/?utm_campaign=ref&utm_content=zett_zon_teaser_teaser_x&utm_medium=fix&utm_source=zon_zettaudev_int&wt_zmc=fix.int.zettaudev.zon.ref.zett.zon_teaser.t easer.x

[fireftr18]

A series of cartoons by bogartcreek, with English text a bit down that page, when there are left and right arrows beside the cartoon. Black humour - you are warned.

https://ze.tt/hol-dir-ein-schlechtes-gewissen-indem-du-ueber-diese-makaberen-cartoons-lachst/?utm_campaign=ref&utm_content=zett_zon_teaser_teaser_x&utm_medium=fix&utm_source=zon_zettaudev_int&wt_zmc=fix.int.zettaudev.zon.ref.zett.zon_teaser.t easer.x

:k_rofl:

Thanks for your "warning." If not for that, I wouldn't have looked at it.

[Catfish]

Meanwhile, in Iran.

"If we do not build the bomb, Trump will be our best friend."
"OMG Build it!"

[Jimbuna]

"How was your blind date?"

"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"What’s so terrible about that?"

"He was the original owner."

[Jimbuna]

The biggest loser at the local weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How’d you do it?" she was asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock."

[Jimbuna]

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

[Jimbuna]

My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where she could change and told an instructor would soon be with her.

Having changed her clothes, Aunt Flora went back to the exercise area. Along one wall she noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and decided to try her hand at chin-ups while she waited. She jumped up, barely reaching the bar, and managed to strain through two chin-ups before the instructor came to her side.

Smiling politely, the instructor said, "If you want to let go of the coat rack and follow me, I’ll be glad to help you get started."

[Armistead]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...