The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Why do dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys.

[Jimbuna]

Why couldn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

Because he was too far out, man.

[Jimbuna]

Where do penguins go to vote?

The North Poll.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a girl with no eyes?

A grl.

[Shadowblade]

A guardsmen ask a Space Wolf how they handle hangovers?
Space Wolf replies, "I don't know I have never stopped drinking to find out"

[Jimbuna]

Where do birds stay when they travel?

Someplace cheep.

[Shadowblade]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't

[Jimbuna]

Why should you knock on your refrigerator door before opening it?

There may be salad dressing in there.

[Shadowblade]

What did the paramedic say at the crashed alien UFO site?
"Take me to your bleeder!"

[Platapus]

I was with my wife at the doctors and she told the doctor that she had a hard time hearing things


The doctor asked her about other symptoms


My wife responded "well Marge is married to Homer and they have three children Lisa, Bart, and Maggie"

[Shadowblade]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. I was quite surprised when she said: "sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said just: "wow", but her friend added pretty quickly: "nah dude, she means 666-3629."

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the worst zoo in the world?

It only has one dog. It’s a real shih tzu.

[Jimbuna]

.

Deleted on grounds of possible racial content.

[Jimbuna]

What did one toilet say to the other?

“You appear a bit flushed.”

[Jimbuna]

Why are most people tired on April 1?

They’ve just finished a 31-day March.

[Jimbuna]

Why aren’t lobsters generous?

Because they’re shellfish.

[Jimbuna]

Where do sheep love to vacation?

The Baa-hamas.

[Jimbuna]

Why do historians call the Early Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

There were a lot of knights.

[Jimbuna]

How did the piano get locked out of its car?

It lost its keys.

[Jimbuna]

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/VkqHV1Zn/449381240-1043981250619421-7992825441675531962-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a nose without a body?

No body nose.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?

Because it was a little horse.

[Jimbuna]

Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!

"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/JzHGCRmx/449695458-1045753127108900-7958061011207661206-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

A Wife came Home early and found her Husband in their Bedroom making love to a very Attractive Young Woman. She was very Upset.
"You are a Disrespectful Pig!" she Cried.
"How dare you do this to me – a Faithful Wife, the Mother of your Children! I'm Leaving you. I want a Divorce, NOW!"
The Husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a Minute Love. At least let me tell you what Happened."
"Fine, go ahead", the Wife Sobbed, "but they will be the last Words you say to me!"
The Husband Began:
"Well, as I was getting into the Car at Work to drive Home, this Young Lady here asked me for a Lift. She looked so Distressed, Helpless and Defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the Car."
"She was very Thin, not well Dressed and very Dirty and told me that she hadn't Eaten for Three Days."
"Out of Compassion, I brought her Home and Warmed up the Pizza I made for you last Night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on Weight. The Poor thing Ate it, Ravenously."
"She was Dirty. I suggested she have a Shower. While Showering, I noticed her Clothes were Filthy and Threadbare. I threw them away."
"I gave her the Designer Jeans that you’ve had for a Few Years, but don’t Wear because you say they are too Tight."
"I gave her Underwear, your Anniversary Present from me, which you don’t Wear because you said I don't have Good Taste."
"I gave her the Sexy Blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t Wear just to annoy her. "
"I also donated those Boots you bought at an expensive Boutique but don’t Wear because someone at Work has the same Pair."
The Husband Paused, took a quick Breath and continued:
"She was so Grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the Door, she turned to me with Tears in her Eyes and said, “Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?”"

[Jimbuna]

While digging in the garden, I found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

[Platapus]

Over their careers, women doctors earn about $2,000,000 less than men doctors.


That's not right


Woman doctors? :D

[Jimbuna]

Before my friend Frank died, he asked that I store his ashes in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in stein.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/9QXQ8D8z/449924841-10228931700051116-4762568463091296525-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

[Jimbuna]

An English, an Irish and a Scot were drinking in a Newcastle Pub.
Suddenly, the Scotsman says,
"Ye know fellas, as good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home"
"In Glasgow, there's a wee place where I usually drink"
"And ye know what?"
"The landlord goes out of his way for the locals"
"When you buy four drinks, he'll buy you the fifth drink himself….,”
"Well, now that you mention it,"
Said the Englishman,
"At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin',"
Said the Irishman,
"Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually."
"Then, and I kid you not!"
"When you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were left stunned by his claims.
But the Irishman swore that everything that he had said was true and swore it on his mother's life.
Then the Scotsman said,
"Now I'm no call ' ye a liar or nothin' like that...."
"But tell me straight - has this actually happened to you?"
The Irishman is shocked by this and eventually tells the men, somewhat annoyed at being doubted like this by his drinking buddies...
"Well not to me personally, no,"
He admitted,
"But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[Jimbuna]

Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?” It activated the front-facing camera.

[Platapus]

Wife: How was your doctor's appointment?


Me: Pretty good, he wrote down that I need daily sex


Wife: (looking at paper) It says dyslexia, dear.


Me: (pout)

[Jimbuna]

The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

[Jimbuna]

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

[Shadowblade]

I was drinking in a bar the other night and overheard three very large women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello there! Are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched at me, "Its Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"


And thats the last thing I remember.

[Jimbuna]

After the man who created the hokeypokey died, it took a while to get the body in the casket. They put his right foot in. They took his right foot out….

[Jimbuna]

When I told my date I worked with animals, she found it really sweet and asked more about my job. So I told her: “I’m a butcher.”

[Shadowblade]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a
bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather
sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of
men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

[Jimbuna]

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?

[Platapus]

My wife and I were getting ready to watch TV. I asked her what she wanted to watch



"Football or Porn?"


She replied "Porn, you already know how to play football"


:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/8CWLNkBm/451540896-10163545999070200-8175213075415515904-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Shadowblade]

A guy walks into a cinema and tells the cashier, "Two tickets." The lady behind the counter: "The Hobbit?" "No, it's my wife."

[Jimbuna]

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi went fishing. While about 100 feet from shore the Priest says, "I have to pee", so he got out of the boat, walked on the water to shore and proceeded into the woods...

The Minister watching this says, "now I have to pee", so he also walked on the water to the shoreline...

The two of them were standing in the woods and noticed the Rabbi threw his hands up and then stepped out the boat...

He sunk to the bottom of the lake...

The Minister looked at the Priest and said, "Do you think we should have told him where the stones were"...?😂😂

[Jimbuna]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her...
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, Dear there are £20 notes falling out of that bag"...
"Oh, really...? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer"...
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money...? You didn't steal it, did you"...?
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it...?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20 or off it comes"...
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag"...?
The old lady replied, "Not everybody pays"...🤣🤣

[Shadowblade]

The doctor told me to stop drinking and smoking immediately. I'm so bored in the waiting room right now.

[Platapus]

My doctor told me that I needed to stop masturbating so much


I asked her why?


Because I am standing right in front of you!

[Jimbuna]

A Tramp goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman is a little concerned and asks if he can pay. The Tramp replies "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me have a pint for free?"
The barman says, "Show me and I'll consider it."
So the Tramp reaches into his bag and pulls out a hamster. The hamster run down the bar, hops onto a bar stool, then the floor and over to the piano. The hamster opens the lid and starts playing. The hamster plays Chopin, ragtime, and Gilbert and Sullivan.
The barman says, "I am impressed" and brings the Tramp a pint of best bitter.
After a while the Tramp asks for another beer. The barman says "We agreed to one beer"
So the Tramp replies "If I show you something more amazing, will you give me another beer?"
The barman says, "Okay, but it will ne hard to beat the hamster.” Meanwhile the hamster continues to play.
The Tramp reaches into his bag again and pulls out a frog. The frog hops down to join the hamster. The frog grabs the microphone and begins to sing along with the hamster who is still playing the piano.
The Tramp is given his second pint.
A customer at the end of the bar has been watching the performance. He walks over to the Tramp and says, "I work in the theatre  and I’d like to buy that frog. Will you sell the frog for £50?" The Tramp says no so the man raises it to £100. The Tramp agrees and hands over the frog.
As the man is leaving, the barman says to the Tramp "Why did you sell the frog, it must be worth more than £100!"
The Tramp replies, "Not at all, the hamster is also a ventriloquist."
🤣😂

[Jimbuna]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

[Von Due]

Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

[Jimbuna]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

[Platapus]

When I first started wearing my orthopedic shoes, I did not think they did any good.


I now stand corrected.

[Shadowblade]

Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.
Once you open windows, the problems begin.

[Jimbuna]

My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.

[Jimbuna]

A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

[Shadowblade]

A young sailor came back to his sub after liberty leading a skunk on a leash. As he approached the brow, the OOD said, “Whoa, there, son! You can’t bring that skunk on board!” The sailor said, “But, sir, he’s friendly. And the guys would love to have a mascot.” The OOD said, “Think, sailor! What about the smell?” The sailor thought for a moment and replied, “Well, sir, I got used to it. The skunk will, too.”

[Jimbuna]

My colourblind diagnosis really came out of the orange.

[Platapus]

My wife complained about my lousy sense of direction,


Her comment really came in from right field

[Jimbuna]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads

[Shadowblade]

She: "I write poems, take photos, do food reviews, I'm a youtuber and an instagram model..."
He: "That's cool I can't do crap either."

[Jimbuna]

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

[Jimbuna]

My dog used to chase people on bikes a lot. It got so bad that finally I had to take his bike away.

[Jimbuna]

“First, the doctor told me the good news. He said that I was going to have a disease named after me.”

[Jimbuna]

“I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant,” a woman told her husband. “What on earth do you need an elephant for?” he asked. “I don’t,” she replied. “I just need the money.”

[Jimbuna]

A man was riding his Harley along a California highway, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord paused for a moment.....
Then the Lord replied,
‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'😂😂😂😂

[Jimbuna]

“It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.”

[Jimbuna]

Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?

Dill with it.

[Jimbuna]

Old lady goes to her local papers office walks in sniffing and a few tears said to the editor while sniffing and upset " id like to let people i know that my husband has died i have £5"
Well said the editor "for £5 you can only have 2 words"
Oh she said "in that case id like to put "Fred Dead," with tears welling up in her eyes.
The editor says to the lady feeling sorry for her don't tell my boss but I will let you have 4 words for free.
She said oh thank you ,in that case can I put "Fred Dead Ford escort for sale"

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/Y9rpSGnn/451772979-26353425677575976-3336505738096110020-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to get a new clock.

[Jimbuna]

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope on the underside of a helicopter. Ten men and one woman:

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't the rope would BREAK and everyone would die. They couldn't decide who should go.

Finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving into men and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking all the men clapped.....

Never underestimate the power of a WOMAN! 🤣🤣

[Jimbuna]

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look a bit flushed.

[Jimbuna]

What do you think of that new diner on the moon?

Food was good, but there really wasn’t much atmosphere.

[Jimbuna]

How do you get a squirrel to like you?

Act like a nut.

[Jimbuna]

How does a scientist freshen her breath?

With experi-mints.

[Jimbuna]

How are false teeth like stars?

They come out at night.

[Platapus]

Sometimes I forget that I am pantomnesic

[Jimbuna]

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm.

[Jimbuna]

How do we know that the ocean is friendly?

It waves.

[Platapus]

How does Reece eat ice cream?


With her spoon

[Jimbuna]

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

[Jimbuna]

What animal is always at a baseball game?

A bat.

[Jimbuna]

What falls in winter but never gets hurt?

Snow.

[mapuc]

Then there was this blonde who got tired of all the stupid comments about blondes, so she dyed her hair red. Then she went for a drive in the countryside. The weather was good and she really felt that she was lucky that day. She drove into a farm and asked the farmer if she could have his dog if she could guess his profession. Ok, said the farmer, well she could do that.
The blonde guessed, and quite correctly, he was a farmer. The blonde happily drove off with his new acquisition and got the animal into the car. When she is ready to drive, the farmer comes and asks if he can ask her a question.... The blonde thought he could. The farmer asked, "If I can guess your natural hair color, will I then get my goat back?".

Markus

[Jimbuna]

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?

That hit the spot.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2 detour.

[Jimbuna]

What did the little corn say to the mama corn?

Where is pop corn?

[Jimbuna]

What did the limestone say to the geologist?

Don’t take me for granite.

[Jeff-Groves]

Most people know that if you hold a conch shell to your ear you can hear the sound of the ocean.

But did you know if you hold a squirrel to your ear you can hear the sound of a squirrel attacking you?

[Jimbuna]

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because she was stuffed.

[Jimbuna]

What has ears but cannot hear?

A cornfield.

[Jimbuna]

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells.

[Platapus]

Did you hear that they are coming out with a Taliban Barbie?


It's a blow up doll

[Jimbuna]

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner is on me.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

[Platapus]

What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?


What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

[Jimbuna]

When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look?
Because when you find it, you stop looking.

[Platapus]

What is the worst thing you can do at a funeral?




The corpse

[Jimbuna]

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on vacation.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the one thing will you get every year on your birthday, guaranteed?

A year older.

[Platapus]

Ever hear of a Reverse Exorcism?


That's when the devil tells a priest to get out of the child.

[Jimbuna]

What goes up but never comes down?

Your age.

[Platapus]

What gets wet the more it dries?


A towel

[Jimbuna]

Does a green candle burn longer than a pink one?

No, they both burn shorter.

[Jimbuna]

Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it’s never right.

[Platapus]

How it all started: Issac Newton and Henry Stokes were having a beer



Issac: "Ya know, I like them ho's with big butts!


Henry: "You can't say things like that!"


Newton: "Ok OK... uh.. how about the greater the mass, the stronger the attraction. Does that work?"

[Jimbuna]

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine.

[Jimbuna]

How do you stay warm in any room?

Go to the corner—it’s always 90 degrees.

[Jimbuna]

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you count Dracula.

[Jimbuna]

Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there’s no point.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bull-dozer.

[Jimbuna]

What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?

An udder failure.

[Jeff-Groves]

Why do Pigs that wear all black have nothing to fear?

Because Batman swore to protect Goth Ham.

[Jimbuna]

Where do polar bears vote?

The North Poll

[Jimbuna]

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?

Ouch!

[Eisenwurst]

"I'm a fine upstanding pillar of the community, I don't drink, smoke, or swear..........@#%&"

"What's wrong?"

"I left my !^*&&%# smokes at the pub".

[Platapus]

What is 6.9?


A good thing interrupted by a period

[Jimbuna]

Why are fish so smart?

Because they live in schools.

[Jimbuna]

What did the ocean say to the pirate?

Nothing, it just waved.

[Jimbuna]

Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?

Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

[Jimbuna]

What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?

He got marooned.

[Jimbuna]

Why is pirating so addictive?

They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked.

[Jimbuna]

What song does a cat like best?

Three Blind Mice.

[Platapus]

I discourage telemarketers by answering my phone


"Pete's Pizza and Funeral Home


Yesterday's loss is today's sauce"


They tend to hang up for some reason

[Jimbuna]

Why are cats good at video games?

Because they have nine lives.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/Wb1C2pg6/408156045-2240250959499147-8444485335769518734-n.jpg (https://postimg.cc/5jDngVP6)

[Jimbuna]

What did the cat say when he fell off the table?

"Me-ow."

[Moonlight]

Just been to Tesco, I swapped 50 sultanas for 100 raisins, just can't believe the currant exchange rate!.

[Platapus]

Why is bread like the sun?


Because it rises in the yeast
and settles in the waist

[Jimbuna]

What is the difference between a cat that got photocopied and a cat that follows you?

One is a cat copy; the other is a copy cat.

[Jimbuna]

What's a cat's favourite magazine?

A cat-alogue.

[Platapus]

Why do melons prefer large weddings?


Because they cantaloupe

[Jimbuna]

What cat likes living in water?

An octo-puss.

[Jimbuna]

Why didn’t the skeleton go to school?

His heart wasn’t in it.

[Jimbuna]

What kind of music do mummies love?

Wrap music.

[Eisenwurst]

What's the closest thing to Silver??

The Lone Ranger's bum.

[Shadowblade]

Doctor: Your husband needs some rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When should I give these to him?
Doctor: These are for you.

[Jimbuna]

What fruit do scarecrows love the most?

Straw-berries.

[Shadowblade]

I told my boss I needed a raise because three other companies were after me. He said, “Which ones?”
I replied, “The electric company, the gas company, and the water company.”

[Jimbuna]

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

The flag is a big plus.

[Platapus]

What do you call a cow fart?


Derrière

[Jimbuna]

Who isn't hungry at Thanksgiving?

The turkey—he’s already stuffed.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the scientist who accidentally cooled himself to absolute zero?




He was 0K

[Jimbuna]

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The outside.

[Platapus]

What do you name a kid born with no shins?


Tony

[Jimbuna]

Why did pilgrims’ pants always fall down?

Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

To show he wasn't a chicken.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a reindeer with bad manners?

Rude-olph.

[Shadowblade]

How do bears catch fishes?
- With their bear hands :)

[Jimbuna]

What kind of photos do elves take?

Elfies.

[Jimbuna]

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a snow bank.

[Jimbuna]

Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?

Because they always drop their needles.

[Platapus]

Wife Standing at the bathroom sink looking at her self: "How can I make these wrinkles disappear?


Me: You can try not wearing your glasses when you look at a mirror.

[Jimbuna]

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?

He was having a bad hare day.

[Shadowblade]

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a bunny who isn’t smart?

A hare brain.

[Platapus]

At my age, the doctor no longer claims that I have arthritis.



He is now calling it Pre-Rigor Mortis. :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

[Jimbuna]

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after.

[Jimbuna]

Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

[Platapus]

If you don't read the news media, you are uninformed
If you read the news media, you are miss-informed. (para Mark Twain)

[Jimbuna]

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.”

[Jimbuna]

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer... The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

[Platapus]

Q: What’s the difference between death and taxes?


A: Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

[Jimbuna]

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

[Platapus]

Breaking news


Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain.



So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

[Platapus]

Man: Two years ago, my brother ran for Congress.


Friend: What does he do now?


Man: Nothing—he got elected!

[Platapus]

Q: Why do thieves never target politicians’ homes?


A: Professional courtesy.

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

[Platapus]

Q: What’s the most unfair thing about American politics?


A: We get 50 choices for Miss America, but only two for the president of America.

[Platapus]

a fear of giants is called Fee-Fi-Foe-bia

[Jimbuna]

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

[Platapus]

I was arrested for impersonating a politician … but all I was doing was sitting in my office doing nothing!

[Platapus]

If Chuck Norris were president, he’d protect the Secret Service.

[Platapus]

My wife: You take everything so literal, it's affecting our relationship. I don't know what you and I have in common any more!




Me: They are both vowels.

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about the band 1023MB? It’s probably because they haven’t got a gig yet…

[Jimbuna]

Why does the golfer wear two pants? Because he's afraid he might get a "Hole-in-one."

[Platapus]

A politician is a person who will lay down your life for their country.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Because he was a fun-ghi.

[Skybird]

A man with a terminal cancer tumor in his head sees his doctor.

The doctor says: “I can offer you something new, we are now able to transplant brains. Unfortunately, your health insurance won't pay for it because it's a new procedure and not yet certified, so you'll have to cover the costs yourself.”

The man asks: “And how much does it cost?”

The doctor: “Let's see. Well, we have an engineer's brain that costs around twenty euros per gram. Then we could offer you a Nobel Prize-winning scientist's brain, but that would cost 250 to 300 euros per gram. And then we have politician's brains, which cost 70 to 80 thousand euros per gram.”

The man is completely dumbfounded: “80 thousand...? Why is politician's brain so expensive...?”

The doctor sighs and shrugs his shoulders and says: “Man, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to extract one gram of brain from them?”

[Jimbuna]

What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college?

Bison.

[Jimbuna]

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?

Too many ears.

[Platapus]

The true winner of Tuesday’s election is NASA’s DART spacecraft as it travels away from Earth at an enviable four miles per second until it crashes blissfully into a comet.

[Platapus]

Waiting for results on election night is like waiting for your grade on a group project.



I know I did my part right, but I’m worried the rest of you screwed it up.

[Jimbuna]

What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeno business.

[Platapus]

A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!”



The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!”



The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

[Jimbuna]

Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there!

[Platapus]

We don’t approve of political jokes—we’ve seen too many get elected.

[Jimbuna]

A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned away before?" and the string goes, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"

[Platapus]

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[Jimbuna]

Did you know that ants are the only animals that don't get sick? It's true! It's because they have little antibodies.

[Platapus]

What are a politician's favorite type of shoe?


Flip Flops

[Platapus]

Since I will be working the polling today, here are some final giggles



“Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” —Bill Clinton


”My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” —Jimmy Carter


“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.'” —Teddy Roosevelt

[Jimbuna]

Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!

[Shadowblade]

An employee finds a lamp, rubs it, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "I’ll grant you one wish, but whatever you ask for, your boss will get tenfold."

The employee thinks for a moment and says, "I wish for a mild heart attack."

[Jimbuna]

Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, "Let's go get a drink, there's this new place that does THE best punch you'll ever drink."

So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender "Bartender, two glasses of your best punch please."

The bartender replies in a stern voice, "If you want some punch you're gonna have to get in line like everybody else."

The friends turn and look around but there's no punch line…

[Jimbuna]

What does a vegan zombie like to eat?

Graaains.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye?

A Do-you-think-he-saw-us!

[Jimbuna]

Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?

Because to them... love means NOTHING!

[Jimbuna]

What did the full glass say to the empty glass?

You look drunk.

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's pretty heavy and the other's a little lighter

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!"
*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... I just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

[Jimbuna]

Why don't scientists trust Atoms? They make up everything.

[Platapus]

If a king sleeps on a king sized mattress
If a queen sleeps on queen sized mattress


what does a prince sleep on?


An heir mattress, of course

[Jimbuna]

Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

[Jimbuna]

What do diapers and politicians have in common?

They both stink and need to be changed often.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar, and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie."
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst...that color looks nice on you."

He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?"
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

[Jimbuna]

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for his Easter Break.
When he returns to California his friend says to him, "Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?

To which Arnie replied [in Arnie voice]: "Oh it was terrible! My father, he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally we all had an awful day."

His colleague then says, "Oh Arnie that's no good at all, I'm sorry to hear! Does that mean you don't love easter anymore?"

Arnie [Very important to read in Arnie voice]: "Oh no of course not - I still love Easter, baby."

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

[Jimbuna]

Once there was a man who went to an exotic country and came across a stall selling handmade handheld fans. He asked for the prettiest and longest-lasting one and the owner charged him a whopping $1,000! After using it the first time, it broke so he took it back for a refund.

The owner listened to the complaints and finally asked him how he used the fan. The man demonstrated flapping the fan as one would normally do.

Then the owner said, "Ah! No wonder! You have been using the fan wrong. This is the way to use it."
Then, he held the fan and frantically moved his head left and right.

[Jimbuna]

An Italian businessman goes to Indonesia for a business trip. He hates Indonesian food, so he asked the concierge in his hotel, "Is there any restaurant where I can find Italian food here?" The concierge says, "You're lucky sir, a new pizza restaurant just opened and they deliver." The businessman asks for the restaurant's number, goes back to his room, and orders the pizza.

30 minutes later, the delivery person shows up with the pizza. He takes the pizza and eats it. Suddenly he's sneezing uncontrollably and shouting to the delivery person, "What did you put on this pizza?!"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put exactly what you ordered on the phone, sir. It's pepper only"

[Jimbuna]

Why didn’t the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10?

I asked him and he said, “I still love vista, baby.”

[Jimbuna]

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do anything, but the other two call him boss!"

[Jimbuna]

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded, "The gas, electric, and cable company."

[Jimbuna]

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

[Jimbuna]

How do you know if a vampire is unwell?

He'll be coffin

[Jimbuna]

Where do pirates get their hooks?

Second hand shops

[Jimbuna]

What kind of music do bubbles hate?

Pop

[Jimbuna]

Why did the hairdresser win the race?

He knew a shortcut

[Jimbuna]

How did the picture end up in prison?

It was framed

[Jimbuna]

What do solicitors wear to work?

Lawsuits

[Shadowblade]

"When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal, "Whoever dares to jump, swim to the shore, and survive, I'll give you $1,000.
No one dared to move. Suddenly, a man jumped into the water, and desperately swam, and made it to the shore, while being chased by all the crocodiles.
The owner announced, "We have a brave winner!!"
After the man collected his reward, he and his wife returned to the hotel.
Upon arrival, the manager told him that he had been very brave to jump. To which the man replied, "I didn't jump, someone pushed me!" His wife smiled.....


Moral - Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him!

[Jimbuna]

Why did the bullet lose its job?

It got fired

[Jimbuna]

Why can’t a toe be 12 inches long?

Then it’d be a foot

[Platapus]

Why didn't I see the camel in the desert?


camel-flage

[Jimbuna]

Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house

[Jimbuna]

Why is grass so dangerous?

It’s full of blades

[Jimbuna]

Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing?

A meatball

[Jimbuna]

Why do French people eat snails?

They don’t like fast food

[Shadowblade]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

[Jimbuna]

How do trees get online?

They just log on!

[Jimbuna]

How do billboards talk?

Sign language

[Platapus]

I once had a pet camel that had a straight back


I named him Humphrey

[Jimbuna]

What’s America’s favourite soda?

Mini soda

[Jimbuna]

How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars

[Jimbuna]

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

She’ll let it go

[Dargo]

After a week, I won the stare contest out of the tree with the cat, but now he does...

https://i.ibb.co/dchwRHv/cat-middle-finger.webp (https://imgbb.com/)

What to do?

[Buddahaid]

How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars

But the C has a hard "K" sound, so I don't get it.....:Kaleun_Wink:

[Jimbuna]

But the C has a hard "K" sound, so I don't get it.....:Kaleun_Wink:

Caesar
/ˈsiːzə/

[Jimbuna]

What kind of music do planets like?

Neptunes

[Buddahaid]

Caesar
/ˈsiːzə/

https://youtu.be/ubtqRLnj8sQ?si=A3yoGfcEiGWT5ezr

[Jimbuna]

12 seconds in :)

[Jimbuna]

What’s the biggest problem with snow boots?

They melt

[Jimbuna]

How do poets say hello?

Haven’t we metaphor?

[Eichhörnchen]

Here's one I made up -

Q: What do dolphins sing at Christmas?

A: The First Narwhal

[Jimbuna]

How did the art competition end?

In a draw