The joke thread II

[Miketney]

David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on..

Agent: Sure David. No hassle.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen a load of unemployed foreigners hanging around in the streets begging for food. The sooner these Canadian Geese fly off back to where they came from the better.

[Platapus]

I have stopped trying to donate blood.

They ask too many embarrassing questions these days

"Where did you get the blood?"
"Whose blood was this?"

[Jimbuna]

I have stopped trying to donate blood.

They ask too many embarrassing questions these days

"Where did you get the blood?"
"Whose blood was this?"

You related to my cat? :hmmm:

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=2560707&postcount=330

[Jimbuna]

The Greek government has just reported that production of humus and taramasalata is down 50% since the start of the month. Looks like it’s going to be a double dip recession.

[Platapus]

You related to my cat? :hmmm:

http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showpost.php?p=2560707&postcount=330


DOH!:oops:

[Jimbuna]

After receiving a $5 billion donation from the Brazilian government Fifa have just announced that they would like to congratulate Brazil on winning the 2022 World Cup 3-1 against Argentina on 13th July 2022.

[magic452]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

[Jimbuna]

Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.

[Miketney]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon..

I'll let you know..

[Miketney]

I had my leg x-rayed today..

The doctor told me, "Your patella measures 2.54 cm."

By surprise I said, "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied, "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷."

[Miketney]

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay..

They arrested me.

By the way, just in case anyone’s interested, my friend Sam is selling a few 26 Inch Lexani Rims (https://4wheelonline.com/Lexani-Wheels-26-Inch-TruckWheels.1180?attributes=16516). If anyone’s interested, feel free to PM me.

[Jimbuna]

After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted “Are you gonna help?”, I said “6 should be enough!”

[Catfish]

News from the brexit department:
"Trump advised us to sue the EU, and Putin advised us to poison the other 27 leaders."

[Jimbuna]

My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working​, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange!

[Jimbuna]

Girlfriend just told me she doesn’t care what she gets for Christmas as long as it has diamonds in it.

A pack of playing cards it is then.

[Jimbuna]

My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said “come on, get in the car we’re going to the petrol station”.

[Jimbuna]

Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad.
Maybe I should let her in.

[Jimbuna]

After years of marriage I’ve learnt that you can tell a lot about a woman just from her hands. When she’s holding a frying pan and waving it around that usually means she’s angry.

[Platapus]

I decided to get a handgun for my wife.

All in all, it was a pretty good trade

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife whilst in the bedroom.

Wife: What do you like best my face or my sexy body?
Husband: Your sense of humour.

[Mussalo]

I only know Finnish "dad jokes" but I'll translate one for you and we'll see how that sinks in:

A boy fell from the roof of a ten-storey building to the ground and survived, how's that possible?

It was a clothes peg.

[Jimbuna]

Women colour their hair, get boob-jobs, plastic surgery, liposuction, wear heels to increase their height…

Then complain that there’s no real men out there.

[Jimbuna]

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

[Jimbuna]

Spoke to my family today after my WiFi went down. They seem like nice people.

[Catfish]

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers",
so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

[Jimbuna]

Four secrets of a happy marriage.

1. Find a woman who can cook and clean.
2. Find a woman who is an animal in bed.
3. Find a woman with lots of money.
4. Make sure none of these 3 women ever meet each-other.

[Catfish]

IS and Al Quaeda wonder why they do not have been invited to the White House yet.

[Jimbuna]

A scientific survey recently revealed a horrifying statistic that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That means that 75% of women are running around untreated!

[Eisenwurst]

Q. What's the closest thing to silver?

A. The Lone Ranger's bum.

[AVGWarhawk]

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.

Wife: How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you darling, I was awake with the other women.

[Jimbuna]

Went on a date with a girl and I told her to text me when she got home. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still haven’t got a text, I think she must be homeless.

[magic452]

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit."That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?""Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls Royces.""Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill. "No, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.

Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."



Magic

[Lord_magerius]

I found my first Grey pubic hair today and I was shocked, although not as shocked as the other passengers on the bus.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how much doctors lie. Last year I went to hospital to get a vasectomy to stop my wife getting pregnant but it turns out all it does is change the colour of the baby.

[Jimbuna]

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

Two minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

[Jimbuna]

I never have any luck with women. The other day my girlfriend won a trip for 2 to Las Vegas, she went there twice on her own.

[Von Due]

My girlfriend told me she wanted something that would go from 0 to 200 in 1 second. Got her a bathroom scale and she punched my lights out. What gives?




My girlfriend asked "do I look fat in this dress?", I sad "yes" and she punched my teeth down a floor. What gives?

[AVGWarhawk]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[Platapus]

I broke up with my Girlfriend because of religious differences
She thought she was a goddess
I didn't

[Jimbuna]

Got in trouble last night after I went on a date but didn’t open the car door for the lady I was with. To my shame I decided to just swim to the surface and save myself.

[Von Due]

My wife always stands by my side. No way am I spending money on another chair.

[Peter Cremer]

Got in trouble last night after I went on a date but didn’t open the car door for the lady I was with. To my shame I decided to just swim to the surface and save myself.

I'll probably get ripped for asking this but, is your name Kennedy by any chance?:hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

A recent study has found that women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Jimbuna]

Really satisfied my wife in bed last night. I slept on the sofa.

[Platapus]

My wife likes to talk dirty to me during sex
Last night she called from her hotel room

R Dangerfield

[Jimbuna]

Got stopped by a women in the street today. She said “Excuse me sir, have you had an accident in the last 3 years that wasn’t your fault? I said, “Yes, she’s nearly 3 now.”

[Jimbuna]

When me and my wife have arguments I always have the last word. Usually those words are ‘Sorry, you’re right’.

[Jimbuna]

Today my wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men so I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what.. she couldn’t do either.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars.
Husband: Yeah that’s true. Wars require strategy, planning and logic.

[Jimbuna]

When shopping I always hold hands with my girlfriend. People think it’s for romantic reasons but it’s actually for economic reasons.

[Catfish]

Yesterday i picked up a hitchhiker. He asked me whether i were not afraid that he could be a serial killer. I said that chances were low that there were two serial killers sitting in one car, statistically.
Zack Silence.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how much my girlfriend is crying about her new haircut. Its much worse for me, I’m the one who’s gonna have to find a new girlfriend now.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn’t speak to them for 2 years.

[Jimbuna]

My wife created a website earlier today to give advice to people who are victims of domestic abuse. She’s had 50 hits today already.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend told me this morning she doesn’t trust me.

I guess that’s one more thing she has in common with my wife.

[mikesn9]

My girlfriend told me this morning she doesn’t trust me.

I guess that’s one more thing she has in common with my wife. Laughed out loud.. good one.

[mikesn9]

My wife is very picky..
How picky?
I could bring home a girl every night for a month, and she wouldn't like one.

Not even one!

[Jimbuna]

The wife and I were sitting on the couch watching the TV and it was boring so I thought I’d start a conversation.

Me: How many men have you had in total?
Wife: Are sure you want to know?
Me: Yeh, go on.
Wife: 7.
Me (after a pause): so I was number 7.
Wife: no, you were number 2.

[Jimbuna]

What is 6 inches long, 3 inches wide and drives women crazy?




A £50 note.

[Jimbuna]

The police came over to my house last night after me and my wife had an argument. I said “Officer there’s no reason for you to be here tonight, I’ve already tasered her.”

[Jimbuna]

Husband: “Honey I think your mum tried to have sex with me last night! ”
Wife: “That’s impossible, she’s on holiday!”
Husband: “Oh ok, well maybe you should wear more makeup then!”

[Catfish]

I thought the vasectomy kept my wife from getting pregnant,
but it only changed the colour of the baby.

[Jimbuna]

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years, didn’t want to interrupt her.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is really beginning to annoy me. I took her out for a meal yesterday and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, double whopper with cheese!

[Jimbuna]

Why wife loves to role-play in bed. She usually pretends to be a coma patient.

[Jimbuna]

Just got a really big response to my advert on the internet saying ‘Wife wanted’. In about 2hrs I had over 300 emails saying ‘you can have mine’.

[Jimbuna]

My wife told me I was one in a million. After looking though her text messages I found out she was right.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place while on safari.

Wife: Wow those hippos are really fat and ugly, are they relatives of yours?
Me: Yeah, they’re my in-laws

[Jimbuna]

My wife died and I couldn’t look at another women for over 10 years.

Now I’m out of jail I think it was probably a price worth paying.

[mikesn9]

BOO!!! HISS!!!
<chuckle>

[Catfish]

My wife died and I couldn’t look at another women for over 10 years.
Now I’m out of jail I think it was probably a price worth paying.


Was that a quote from Skybird :hmmm:

[Catfish]

Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies.

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday I went through a costly and painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, I got some fantastic wedding presents.

[Jimbuna]

Cant believe how cheeky my son is. I bought him a bb gun for christmas and he got me a sweatshirt with a bullseye on the back.

[Jimbuna]

My wife´s suspicious mind is really begining to annoy me. Last night after looking at my calendar she wanted to know who May was.

[Jimbuna]

I’m going through a divorce at the moment and my wife told me she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0…
That’s nice of her, paying off my debts.

[Aktungbby]

http://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/3957549/17image016.jpghttp://static.tinyletter.com/AZJunk/img/beam/3957549/14image009.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Last night I spent the entire evening watching Jaws 3. My wife, her mother and her sister all came over and were talking all night.

[Jimbuna]

I lost my job recently and don’t have much money but managed to get my girlfriend some really nice flowers the other day. It’s amazing what you can find attached to a lamppost.

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Would you still love me if I became fat and lost my looks.
Husband: What do you mean “if”?

[Jimbuna]

As soon as it gets frosty outside my wife becomes obsessed with looking through the window.

Maybe I should let her in the house.

[Jimbuna]

My wife is so bad at cooking we usually pray after eating our food.

[Platapus]

My wife is such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka Seltzer.

(with a nod to Mr. Dangerfield)

[Jimbuna]

Today is my 5th Wedding Anniversary and it’s been a total nightmare. On the plus side I’m now no longer scared of terrorism.

[Jimbuna]

My son brought his first girlfriend home tonight. The verdict? Flat chested, fat legs, and a flabby backside.
Oh, and she doesn’t react well to criticism.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve just been given two weeks to live. My wife’s going on vacation for a couple of weeks.

[Jimbuna]

Daughter: “Mum, am I ugly?”
Mum: “I told you not to call me mum in public.”

[Platapus]

I told my doctor that I thought my wife had an STD
The doctor gave himself a shot of penicillin.

[mikesn9]

I told my doctor that I thought my wife had an STD
The doctor gave himself a shot of penicillin.

HAHAHAHA! good one!

[Jimbuna]

I’m not saying my wife’s cooking is bad…..

But several weapons manufacturers from the Middle-East have been trying to buy her recipes.

[Platapus]

I finally decided to let my wife know that I had been seeing a therapist.

In response she told me she was seeing the butcher, two plumbers, and a kid from the local band.

[Platapus]

I’m not saying my wife’s cooking is bad…..

But several weapons manufacturers from the Middle-East have been trying to buy her recipes.

In my family, we pray after we eat.

[Jimbuna]

Since my wife left me I’ve been left with a really big gap to fill.. She was quite fat and we had a memory foam mattress.

[Platapus]

I asked my wife if she knew why I was so miserable in our relationship

She shrugged and said "you got me".

"yeah"

[Jimbuna]

Got my wife a new bag and belt for Christmas. Vacuum cleaner should be like new once she fits in the new parts.

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. If anybody does please send me your email address and we can drop them off tomorrow.

[Platapus]

When I was mad at my kids, I told one of them

"Some day, you will have children of your own"

My son replied, "you too"

:shifty:

[Platapus]

My wife told me that I was the sunshine in her life.

When I asked her why, she told me that every time she looks at me, her eyes start to hurt.

:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

When I was mad at my kids, I told one of them

"Some day, you will have children of your own"

My son replied, "you too"

:shifty:

:haha:

[Platapus]

I have some pretty good looking kids

Thank god my wife cheats on me. :03:

[Jimbuna]

My dad always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,’ – ’till he had the accident.

[Platapus]

I told my son about the Birds and the Bees
He told me about my wife and the Butcher :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

After 3 years of marriage, me and the wife had our first real fight last night.
I called my dad for advice on how to fix things.
He told me to apologize and admit I was wrong.
I was really looking for advice on how to dispose of the body.

[Aktungbby]

CAUTION: MAKE SURE YOUR VIAGRA SAYS "MADE IN AMERICA" ...You don't want the Russians meddling in your erections!:k_confused:http://bestanimations.com/Flags/USA/usa-american-flag-gif-9.gif

[Platapus]

I opened the front door to our house and saw my wife in a sexy negligee.

She was coming home. :shifty:

[Catfish]

CAUTION: MAKE SURE YOUR VIAGRA SAYS "MADE IN AMERICA" ...You don't want the Russians meddling in your erections!:k_confused:
:haha: Democratic Mao already stated he had "elections evely molning".

[Catfish]

A UN conference. An african diplomat sits vis-à-vis a UK diplomat, during dinner. The Englishman, trying to start some conversation, looks friendly at his counterpart, rubs his belly and asks "Nice yamyam?." The African nods friendly and they continue dining.
After some time the African is being called, stands up, goes up to the speaker's desk and delivers an eloquent and elegant speech in english, completely flawless and witty.
Coming back and sitting down he looks at the Englishmann and asks "Nice blahblah?"

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

[mikesn9]

Many of us over 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashion.
In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots.
12. Short shorts and varicose veins.
13. Inline skates and a walker.

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks:
14. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[magic452]

The Maid for a rich guy and his young wife asks the wife for a raise. "Why do you need a raise?'

"Three reasons, your husband says I'm a better cook than you and also I'm a better housekeeper." "Also I'm better in bed."

"MY HUSBAND SAID THAT!!"

"No the gardener said it"

"How much do you think you need?"



Magic

[Jimbuna]

Just broken up with my girlfriend after she told me she used to be Christian.

It might seem judgmental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of coffee.

[Platapus]

And my daughter....

In High school, she was voted most likely to conceive.

Her picture in the yearbook was horizontal.

:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

I can’t believe how ungrateful my 4 year old son is. I took him out for a ride on his sledge this morning but after 10 minutes I looked back and saw he was missing. It was lucky I had to stop for petrol otherwise I may not have noticed and it would have taken ages to drive back and find him.

[Platapus]

I went to my doctor.

After the results came back, he asked me what my astrological sign was

I told him "Cancer"

"What a coincidence". :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Husband: What do you want to drink?
Wife: I guess I’ll have champagne.
Husband: Guess again.. Maybe you should go for a diet coke?

[Platapus]

And my Old man?

When I was 5 years old, he taught me how to swim by throwing me in the water. That was not too bad, but getting out of the bag was hard.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What does an Ikea cabinet and a marriage have in common?
A. One screw out of place and the whole thing falls apart.

[Platapus]

Once while I was a kid, I got lost when my family took me to a national park.

When I asked the park ranger if I would ever find my parents, he told me

"I don't know, kid, there are so many places they can hide from you".

:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

My wife recently told me that sex is a lot better on holiday… I was really upset when I got the postcard.

[Jimbuna]

I heard women find men in long-term relationships more attractive than men who are single so I’ve decided to move into a 1 bedroom apartment with my mum.

[Platapus]

One time when my wife and I were being "intimate", I suddenly froze, not moving a muscle.

She asked me what was wrong. I told her I was trying out a new sex technique I learned from watching Internet Porn.

"It's called buffering".

[Jimbuna]

Slept on the sofa last night. Apparently when my wife asked me to bring her something from the store for pancakes she wasn’t talking about a bra.

[Jimbuna]

Fed up of being single? Fed up of dating websites? I’ve now developed the perfect strategy that is guaranteed success. Just lower your standards. My new girlfriend is actually a coconut sellotaped to a mop.

[Platapus]

We waz poor

Growing up we were so poor that my parents could not afford to get me shoes. So they painted my feet black and laced up my toes.

[magic452]

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."



Magic

[Jimbuna]

Me and my wife had a candlelit dinner for the first time last night. It was terrible, everything was really under-cooked and tasted of wax.

[Jimbuna]

A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel.
He tells the duty manager, “I hope the porn channel is set to disabled”
The manager looks at him and replies, “NO, it’s REGULAR porn, you sicko!”

[Platapus]

We waz poor

Instead of carpeting the whole room, my parents just tied pieces of carpet to my feet.

[Jimbuna]

Hypocrisy – When a Jehovahs Witness doesn’t celebrate Halloween because they don’t like random people knocking on their doors.

[Platapus]

We waz poor

To us, the high priced spread was lard.

[Jimbuna]

The Muslims first invented the condom in the year 654 using a goat intestine. Christians expanded on this idea in 1364 by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[Platapus]

We waz poor

At Christmas we could not afford tinsel for the tree so we had to wait until grandfather sneezed.

[dmagnusson]

2 young guys discuss what they have done during the weekend.

1st : What did you do this weekend?

2nd:: nahh i made love with a girl on the railroad.



2nd: No she didnt have a head.

[dmagnusson]

2 soviet panzer generals meet in Paris

the first ask: But who did one war in the air?

[Jimbuna]

Iraqi Awards Night:

And the 2016 winner for suicide bomber of the year goes to… Abdul Sahib. Unfortunately he couldn’t be here with us tonight.

[Jimbuna]

My local church have now installed Wi-Fi to help improve communication. Are they finally admitting praying doesn’t work?

[Jimbuna]

God: I’m gonna create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I’m gonna create a great flood!

[Platapus]

I interviewed 100 women about what they felt was most important in selecting a shampoo.

The number one answer was "What are you doing in my bathroom, get out you pervert!"

[Bleiente]

:haha:
I would have shamelessly exploited that. :arrgh!:

[Platapus]

It was at the start of our second date. Right away she said those three special words. Sure I had heard them before, but with her, I knew it would be different.

"That's him, Officer"

[Jimbuna]

:haha:

[Platapus]

I grew up in a tough neighborhood.

When my English teacher asked me "What comes after a sentence."?

I told her "you file an appeal".

It was a tough neighborhood.

[Jimbuna]

Genesis 1:13 “And on the 3rd day God created the land for all the animals to share but he decided to make a special piece of land called Antarctica just for penguins because he liked them and thought they were cute.”

[Platapus]

I came from a tough neighborhood.

It wasn't until I moved, that I learned that a PBJ was something kids ate.

It was a tough neighborhood.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen a bishop walking in the street which was strange because he wasn’t walking diagonally.

[Platapus]

I told my wife that I was hiring a new secretary

She told me that I better hire one that was old, fat, and ugly and that she did not want me to hire anyone I would be tempted to have sex with.

I asked my wife when could she start.

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSJIAteeXMq2wGlVokXptA1hVuuwhI2H x9TizRR4AzrtEPHKVXPqg

[Jimbuna]

My first day back at the gym today went well. I did 20 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes on the defibrillator and then 3 days in the hospital.

[Platapus]

I lived in a tough neighborhood

At the local restaurant, the chef's special was Broken Leg of Lamb.

It was a tough neighborhood.

[Jimbuna]

A lion would never cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood.

[Platapus]

And my other daughter?

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to being in the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

[Johndee]

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

[Jimbuna]

There’s nothing more entertaining than going to watch a marathon live. My favorite part is the reaction of the runner’s face when I give him a cup of vodka.

[Jimbuna]

Just signed a £250,000 per week contract to play for Manchester United.

I just need to get them to sign it now.

[Platapus]

I lived in a tough neighborhood

I bought a waterbed and found a guy tied up at the bottom of it.

It was a tough neighborhood

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Doctor please help me. I keep thinking I’m John McEnroe!
Doctor: You can’t be serious!!

[Platapus]

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

It was a tough neighborhood

[Jimbuna]

Tesco Value Burgers – Low in fat high in Shergar.

What do you put on your burgers? A fiver each way.

[Jimbuna]

I was cleaning out my late german grandfathers closet and decided to give all his old clothes to a charity shop. I handed over the bag of clothes to the assistant who was rummaging through it when a horrified expression formed on her face. How dare you bring this uniform in to my shop exclaimed angrily this is a symbol of pain shame and humiliation get out of my shop now hugely embarrased at this turn of events I quickly took back the bag. “I'm truly sorry“ I said I had no idea he was a SUNDERLAND FAN!!!

[Jimbuna]

Since his release on bail Oscar Pistorious has decided to spend the weekend clay pigeon shooting to relax. So far he’s accidentally killed 2 elephants and shot a Jeep that was on safari.

[Platapus]

The first time I met my wife I suavely asked her what her sign was

"Dollar"

I thought she was kidding. :wah::wah::wah::wah:

[Jimbuna]

Apparently racist chanting was heard at the England training ground earlier today. The FA have threatened to remove John Terry from the squad if he does it again.

[mikesn9]

Awfully quiet here.

[Eisenwurst]

An Australian joke, not sure if this happens in other countries.

"What do you find on the roof of Macdonalds???"

The answer.... pickles.

[mikesn9]

An Australian joke, not sure if this happens in other countries.

"What do you find on the roof of Macdonalds???"

The answer.... pickles.

I'm lost.. I guess it doesn't happen here.. or at least to me..

[Platapus]

Being a Teenage Boy is tough.

One of the toughest parts is walking past the priests and they don't give you a second look any more

[Catfish]

Two pilots meet.

130 dead.

[Eisenwurst]

I'm lost.. I guess it doesn't happen here.. or at least to me..

OK. Down here there's a lot of people that don't like pickles on their burgers ( poor dears life's tough isn't it ) so they take them off and throw them on the roof!!!!! or other imaginative vandalism - stuck to windows, under tables, etc.

There was once a whole Big Mac wedged inside a porthole in a Nautical themed Maccas. I think the staff approved cause it was there for a whole year before it was cleaned up.:o

[Platapus]

My doctor called and told me he had some great news for me.

Evidently not only will his paper be published, but he will be naming the disease after me. :shifty:

[Catfish]

Have you seen the chocolate?
Shortly.

[Platapus]

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

[Platapus]

I came from a tough neighborhood.

Instead of using chalk to play hopscotch, we used it to play body outline.

It was a tough neighborhood

[Catfish]

Presidents Bush, Obama and Trump have died, and are being questioned by god whether they are allowed to enter paradise.


So he first asks Bush what his personal beliefs are:
Bush: "I believe in a free market economy, that all american citizens are happy and content, and a strong America."

God: "Ok, you can enter. Next Obama please."
"I believe in international trade, equality for all US citizens before law, a strong America, and world peace.

God: "Alright, you can enter. Now Mr. Trump, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you are sitting on my chair."

[u crank]

God: "Alright, you can enter. Now Mr. Trump, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you are sitting on my chair."

:har:

That's pretty good.:up:

[Platapus]

I grew up in a tough neighborhood

Instead of lemonade stands, the kids used to make money setting up ammunition stands

It was a tough neighborhood.

[Aktungbby]

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.:o I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.:yeah: Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.:yep:

[Jimbuna]

Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is gonna be epic.

[Platapus]

Five years ago I asked my heartthrob out for a date
one year ago I asked her to marry me

She said no both times. :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

People are really strange. When you scream in a library they tell you to shut up but when you do it on an airplane everyone joins in.

[Platapus]

To be honest, I am not fond of Threesomes

If I am going to disappoint multiple women at the same time, I might as well have dinner with my wife and her family.

[Eisenwurst]

Scam artists once rang me and informed me ... "you've won an all expenses paid holiday etc". BS by the truckload...."and who do you plan to take, your wife or your girlfriend?"

I said I'll take my girlfriend, the wife can stay at home and look after the kids.

[Jimbuna]

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[Platapus]

I had a bad day today

When I was putting on a shirt a button fell off
When I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off

I am afraid to go to the bathroom!

[Catfish]

Link to german jokes:
https://www.reddit.com/r/germanhumor
:D

[Catfish]

My dog used to chase after people on a bike,
until I took it away from him.

[Catfish]

A german in England:
"Can I have a bloody steak, please?"
"Would you like some f'king potatos with it?"

[Jimbuna]

Just discovered I have superpowers. I can actually melt ice cubes by staring at them. It takes me quite a long time though.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the two old ladies who went for a tramp in the woods?

He had a good time.

[Eisenwurst]

An Electoral Polling question......

"... and now sir, how do you view lesbian relationships?"

To which I truthfully answered....

" In HQ ".

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday my boss told me “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. Today when I turned up at the office dressed like a Ghostbuster he told me I was fired.

[Platapus]

My wife and I sleep in different bedrooms; we take separate vacations; and we each hang out with our own sets of friends.

We are doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

[Jimbuna]

Got attacked by a group of mime artists last night. They did unspeakable acts to me.

[Platapus]

I was having my annual physical and this time I had a rather attractive doctor doing the examination. Near the end of the examination she asked me, "Are you currently seeing anyone?"

Well I did not expect this, and especially from an attractive woman. With a thrill I told her that no, I wasn't'.

She said "I am really surprised to hear that from a man like you in your condition".

Flattered and with a smile, I asked her why?

She replied "Because I am standing right in front of you. I think I need to refer you to an eye doctor for an exam

:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

^ :haha:

[Jimbuna]

Fun idea. If you have no kids hire a babysitter anyway and tell them the kids are asleep upstairs and not to be disturbed. When you come home ask them why the kids are missing.

[Platapus]

Now that's just cruel

[Platapus]

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

[Platapus]

A young Catholic couple dies tragically in an accident on their way to be married. They find themselves talking to St Peter.

"St Peter, is there anyway we can still get married up here in heaven?"

St Peter thinks for a bit and says "I don't know. No one has ever asked me that question before. Let me go and see."

While St Peter is away, the couple starts talking about their marriage vows and they are wondering how the Until Death Do Us Part will work being that they are already dead. Up in heaven everything is for eternity. What if something happens in the relationship. Eternity is, by definition, a pretty long time.

After a long time, St Peter comes back and says "I have some good news, We worked things out and you can get married"

The couple asks St Peter "what if something happens, can we get divorced? Eternity is, by definition, a pretty long time"

St Peter slams his book down on his desk and yells. "Do you have any idea now long it took me to find a priest up here in heaven? And now you want me to find a lawyer?"

[Jimbuna]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings" The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says,
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate .....

[Jimbuna]

It’s amazing how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your trousers and get into one of their beds.

[Platapus]

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

[Catfish]

A bear [...] "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate ....."


https://i.imgur.com/nwmdUyj.jpg

[Jimbuna]

I used to think drink driving was bad but apparently my local liquor store told me that they only sell alcohol to people with driving licences.

[Platapus]

My doctor told me that my case was complicated.

When I asked why, he responded. "well, we were told that the chapter that covered your disease would not be on the test..."

[Catfish]

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.

[Jimbuna]

Just started reading a book about anti-gravity. Its impossible to put down.

[Platapus]

For my latest operation on my knees, I was given a local.
The cute nurse told me that I may not feel anything below the waist.

"So just your boobs?"

[Platapus]

You know that I have this really cute doctor. It was at the end of my last examination when she told me that I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked her why?

she said, "Because I am sitting here trying to talk to you!"

[Jimbuna]

You know you’ve had a good night out when you wake up in your next door neighbours house surrounded by 20 traffic cones.

[Catfish]

What do you do with 365 used condoms?
You make a tire, and write GoodYear on it.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the park the other day wondering why radio controlled air-planes get bigger the closer they get, and then it hit me.

[Catfish]

She: "You never really listen to me, you only understand what you want to understand!"
Me: "Thank you, of course i'll have another beer."

[Catfish]

Restaurant scene:
"We are vegans, can you recommend anything?"
"A taxi."

[mikesn9]

"A taxi."


LOVE IT!

[Platapus]

I had to borrow my best friend's cell phone to call my wife to let her know i was running late.

She answered the phone "Hi sexy, what's up? I miss you"

I wonder how she knew it was me?

[Jimbuna]

Psychic wanted: £200,000 per year offered including company car. Please email your CV to the address which appears in your crystal ball.

[Platapus]

Psychic wanted: £200,000 per year offered including company car. Please email your CV to the address which appears in your crystal ball.


I have often wondered why would a psychic need me to tell them my credit card number? That should be their first test.

I am starting to think it is just a scam.

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the radio today that someone in the world crashes their car every 30 seconds. Maybe they should take away his licence.

[Platapus]

I read that the majority of traffic accidents that a person is involved with are within 5 miles of their house.

I moved.

[Jimbuna]

Got thrown out the cinema today for bringing my own food. I couldn’t resist.. the prices are way too high and also I haven’t had a barbecue in months.

[Aktungbby]

https://i.pinimg.com/474x/4d/62/f7/4d62f789fb149a4ef69d3271e11ca9e8--scotland-funny-men-in-kilts.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Just had a really interesting conversation with a Psychology graduate about how on average people tend to day-dream about 40% of the time. He also said something else that was interesting but I forgot the rest of the conversation, will have to ask him again next time he serves me in McDonald’s.

[Platapus]

A man of 88 visits his doctor for a yearly check-up
The doctor asks how he feels
The man says: "I feel great, my girlfriend is 18, pregnant and expecting my baby, not bad ...."

The doctor thinks and responds: "Let me tell you a story
I know a hunter who never passed a day in his life in which he didn't go out for a shoot

But one day he mistakenly put his umbrella over his shoulder instead of his gun

Walking through the woods suddenly a bear stood in front of him
He grabbed the umbrella, aimed and ...... PANG ! the bear dropped dead on the ground"

The old man started laughing, that's impossible, there must have been another hunter behind him who shot the bear.

The doctor looked at the man seriously and said: "That is exactly what I meant"

[Jimbuna]

:haha:

[Jimbuna]

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the M25. Motorists have been asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.

[Platapus]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his photographs on display at that time.

'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your prints.'

'That's wonderful,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'

'The guy was your doctor...'

[Jimbuna]

:haha:

[Platapus]

Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

[mikesn9]

BOOOOO HISSSS

chuckle

[Jimbuna]

Accordion to a recent survey 90% of people don’t notice when you replace words with the names of musical instruments.

[Platapus]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

[fireftr18]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

Are you now a believer?

[Jimbuna]

Did they name the white powdery stuff you get at the beach ‘sand’ because it’s between the sea and the land?

[Platapus]

A local man has been shot with a starter pistol. Police say the shooting is race related.

[Catfish]

Did they name the white powdery stuff you get at the beach ‘sand’ because it’s between the sea and the land?


Pff, slander.

[Jimbuna]

I used to have a job working at a garage fitting tires but I couldn’t handle the pressure.

[Platapus]

I've bought a new book titled ‘Teach Yourself X-Ray Vision’.

I’ve just been having a look through it.

[Platapus]

I find I can tell a judgmental person just by looking at them

[Jimbuna]

If Harry Potter really has magic powers why can’t he cure his bad eyesight?

[Jimbuna]

Knock knock.
whose there?
“Doorbell repair man“

[Platapus]

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

[Jimbuna]

Just received £10,000 after a recent accident at work. I pushed my boss down the stairs then drove off with his car which I sold on eBay.

[Platapus]

I've a friend who's an upholsterer. He's back home from the hospital after an operation and is recovering nicely.

[Jimbuna]

:haha:

[Platapus]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

[Jimbuna]

How come everyone loves it when when a magician makes stuff disappear but when an airline pilot does it everyone freaks out?