The joke thread II

[Platapus]

Harry and Meghan announced that they were stepping away from the royal family to focus on their work.


This is the first time someone is quitting their family to spend more time with their job.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

[Jimbuna]

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

[Platapus]

The Royal Family is going to send Prince Andrew to see what public opinion is like!
Just putting the feeler out.

[Jimbuna]

How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

[Jimbuna]

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

[Platapus]

I visited a zoo only to find out it had only one animal in it and it was a dog.


It was a Shih Tzu

[Jimbuna]

Rest in peace to boiling water.
You will be mist.

[Platapus]

What do the Royal Family and Probability math equations have in common?


They are not important and nobody cares about them.

[Jimbuna]

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.

[Jimbuna]

I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.

[Platapus]

I decided to invest in Stocks


Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable


If I am lucky enough, I might become a bouillonaire

[Jimbuna]

Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s okay. He woke up.

[Platapus]

Why did the physics teacher and the mathematics teacher split up?


There was no Chemistry in the relationship

[Jimbuna]

What are shark’s two most favorite words?
Man overboard!

[Jimbuna]

Can February march?
No, but April may.

[Jeff-Groves]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops…


She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this terrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking!"

[Jimbuna]

How do trees get online?
They just log on!

[Platapus]

What is black and tan and looks good on a lawyer?


Doberman

[Jimbuna]

Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.

[Jimbuna]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Jimbuna]

Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field!

[Jimbuna]

What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

[Catfish]

A dutch and a german passenger sit next to each other, in a plane.
The german wants to take off his shoes to feel more comfortable and asks the dutch whether he would mind, and the dutch says "No problem."

Some minutes later the dutch asks the german whether he could let him through to the central aisle, to get a coke. The german politely answers "No problem, I will get the Coke for you" and leaves.

Next the dutch takes a shoe and spits into it.
The german comes back and hands the dutch his coke, and nothing much happens until the plane prepares to land.

Putting on his shoes the german instantly feels what had happened and says:
"Is this still so bad between our people, can't we finally have some peace and live together in harmony! Without spitting in each others shoes, and peeing in Cokes?"

[Jimbuna]

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
It is either one or the udder!

[Platapus]

My wife was upset at me because I didn't buy her flowers


After 20 years of marriage, in all honesty, I never knew that she sold flowers.

[Jimbuna]

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!

[Platapus]

I met my wife on Tinder


It was awkward to say the least

[Jimbuna]

What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned!

[Jimbuna]

What did the termite say when it walked into a bar?
"Where's the bar tender?"

[Platapus]

My wife says that I am the cheapest man in the world.


I'm not buying that

[Jimbuna]

Why can’t you send a duck to space?
Because the bill would be astronomical!

[Platapus]

What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper


Fizz-ician, of course

[Jimbuna]

What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested?
They gave him a tough sentence!

[Jimbuna]

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn't evolved yet.

[Platapus]

If you are an American when you go into a bathroom and an American when you leave a bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?


European.

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a shellfish?
An oyster bunny!

[Platapus]

I have to confess


The time I had my Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!

[Jimbuna]

Why can’t a leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted!

[Jeff-Groves]

Why can’t a leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted!

:hmmm:
Variation of post #4522?

[Jimbuna]

How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut!

[Jimbuna]

What is the difference between a cat that took a nap on the Xerox machine and a cat that imitates everything you do?
One is a cat copy, and the other is a copy cat.

[Platapus]

I went to my doctor for a prostrate exam.


He gave me the thumbs up.

[Jimbuna]

Why is a snake difficult to fool?
You can’t pull its leg!

[Jimbuna]

What kind of socks do grizzlies wear?
None, they have bear feet!

[Platapus]

I can't find the words that express how bugged I get by people who don't know the difference between entomology and etymology\

[Jimbuna]

What fish only swims at night?
Starfish!

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?

[Platapus]

I have not talked to my wife in 10 years


I didn't want to interrupt her.

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Venice.
Venice who?
Venice your family coming home?

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, I’ve been knocking forever!

[Jeff-Groves]

What's the proper pronoun for a chocolate bar?
Hershey.

[Platapus]

What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate?


Candy Baaa

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
ICE CREAM SO YOU CAN HEAR ME!

[Platapus]

My wife: You are my umbrella


Me: Awe that's sweet. Is it because I protect you?


My wife: No. Because when I am near you, I never get wet


Me: :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside, let me in!

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you asking so many questions for, just open up!

[Jeff-Groves]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wiseo.
Wiseo Who?
Wiseo many Knock Knock Jokes?

:har:

[Platapus]

If quizzes are quizzical.


What are tests?

[Jeff-Groves]

Is that A Pop quiz?
:haha:

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Car go, “Toot toot, vroom, vroom!”

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Know a place I can spend the night?

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Onion.
Onion who?
Onion mark, get set, go!

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!

[Platapus]

When your wife tells you that she will be ready to leave in five minutes, she will.


You don't have to keep reminding her every 15 minutes.

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body home?

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s just a joke!

[Platapus]

If 666 is evil


Wouldn't the root of all evil be 25.806975801128?

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

[Platapus]

My wife has been missing for a week


The police told me to expect the worst


So I went back to Goodwill and got her stuff back

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

[Jimbuna]

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business!

[Eisenwurst]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

[Jimbuna]

How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.

[Jimbuna]

What happened when the cheese shop exploded?
Da brie was everywhere!

[Rockstar]

Why don't scientists trust atoms? :hmmm:

Because they make up everything! :shucks:

[Jimbuna]

Which vegetable do sailors hate the most?
Leeks!

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?
Nacho cheese!

[Jeff-Groves]

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks. If one starts quacking, they all do it, and the noise is terrible."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on--a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[Jimbuna]

What kind of key opens a banana?
A mon-key!

[Jeff-Groves]

One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits his job, gives up his apartment and rents out a Cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door.

He opens the door to see this huge lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually the big man speaks:

“I’m yer neighbour from the cabin about a mile down the road. Anyhow, I’m having a party on Saturday and I wondered if you’d like to come.”

The guy pauses for a second and then replies: “You know what, that would be great. It is about time I got out and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.”

“Right,” says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. “I’ll see you about eight o’clock on Saturday then.” And then he turns to leave.

But he pauses for a second and then turns back: “I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit myself back in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with a bit of hard liquor.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “Well, eight o’clock then.”

But as he turns to go he pauses again and turns back: “Yeah, I should also mention: most likely there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.”

“Uh, well, OK,” the guy replies. “I mean, I get on pretty well with most people so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “See you at eight o’clock then.”

But once again he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard: “So I probably also need to tell you: there might be some pretty wild sex.”

The guy perks up a bit at that. “Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that’s what happens.”

“OK then,” says the man. “Well, see you Saturday.” And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.

“Oh wait, just one question,” says the guy. “What should I wear?”

The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again. “I don’t suppose it really matters much. It’s just gonna be you and me.”

[Platapus]

I ate a kids meal at McDonalds.



His mother got quite angry at me.

[Jimbuna]

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
Because it was on a roll

[Platapus]

In life, I have two unwritten rules


1.


2.

[Jimbuna]

What does garlic do when it gets hot?
It takes its cloves off!

[Jimbuna]

Why did the melons choose not to get married?
Because they cantaloupe!

[Jeff-Groves]

Two Russians - a WWII veteran and an Oligarch - are in the same room in hospital. Both have been in a traffic accident on a motorway.

“Okay, Gramps - why are you here?” asks the oligarch.

“Well… it is a long story. I have had a Messerschmitt fighter engine as a war memento, and I decided to install it on my Moskvich. It succeeded beyond my expectation - I lost the control of my car on motorway when the speedometer needle hit 300 km/h.”

“And you?”, asks the veteran.

“I was driving my BMW on the motorway when a Moskvich sped past me like a bat out of *(&^. I thought my engine had stalled and I stepped off the car. Turned out it hadnt…”

[Jimbuna]

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

[Platapus]

Last night, my obese parrot died


It was a huge weight off my shoulders.

[Eisenwurst]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FwWmLQB61k

[Jimbuna]

What did one dried fruit say when another asked it to the movies?
It's a date!

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?


He worked it out with a pencil.

[Jimbuna]

Why was the math book sad?
It had too many problems!

[Jimbuna]

Why should you never trust someone writing on graph paper?
Because they must be plotting something!

[Platapus]

I finally gave up drinking beer for good.




Now I just drink beer for evil.

[Jimbuna]

If a math teacher had four apples in one hand and five apples in the other hand, what would they have altogether?
Really big hands!

[Jimbuna]

Why did the robber take a bath before he left the scene of the crime?
He wanted to make a clean getaway!

[Platapus]

Today, there was a woman passed out at the airport baggage carousel.


She slowly came around though.

[Jimbuna]

Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C!

[Platapus]

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people....


But none of them seem to work

[Jimbuna]

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish!

[Jimbuna]

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

[Jeff-Groves]

An Englishman, taking a road trip through the US, notices he’s low on fuel, pulls into the first gas station he sees. The attendant walks out and approaches the car.

“How can I help you, sir?”

And in a posh voice, the man says, “I’m low on petrol; please top off the tank.”

With an odd look, the guy begins to fill ’er up.

The Englishman then says, “Also, while I’m here could you open the bonnet and check the oil?”

Now looking slightly peeved but still saying nothing, the serviceman does as requested.

“Oh, yes,” says the Brit, “It appears my windscreen needs a good cleaning. Would you mind terribly-”

Unable to hold his tongue any more the attendant angrily snaps, “Alright, that’s enough! It’s not Petrol, it’s gasoline! It’s not a bonnet, it’s a hood! And it’s not a windscreen, it’s a windshield! We invented cars, so you call them by their American names!”

And with that wonderful, charming, stiff-upper-lip UK wit, the Englishman calmly replies, “Well yes, my friend, you may have invented the automobile, but we invented the language!”

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

[Jimbuna]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

[Platapus]

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.


My therapist told me that it was not complex at all, but that I was truly inferior. :shifty:

[Jimbuna]

Why did the car get a flat tire? Because there was a fork in the road!

[Jimbuna]

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.

[Jimbuna]

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.

[Jimbuna]

Why does the golfer wear two pants? Because he's afraid he might get a "Hole-in-one."

[Jimbuna]

I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!

[Jeff-Groves]

I was in a Grocery store the other day shopping for cereal.
I asked another customer where the Lucky Charms were.
Turns out he was a Midget......

I'm banned for life from Krogers.

[Platapus]

Scientists have studied the effects of alcohol on how people walk.


The results were staggering.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Because he was a fun-ghi.

[Jimbuna]

What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.

[Platapus]

I had to kick Cinderella off of the baseball team


She kept running away from the ball

[Platapus]

What did the pickle with the big ego say?


I'm kinda a big dill

[Platapus]

What would happen if you got kicked in the butt by a dinosaur?


You would get a megasaurass

[Platapus]

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?




Or just a low ha?

[Platapus]

Have you ever tried archery while blindfolded?


You don't know what you are missing.

[Platapus]

Someone should brew a beer named "occasionally"


Then I can truthfully say that I only drink occasionally.

[Platapus]

Why are mountains so funny?


Because they are hill areas

[Platapus]

Every time I take my dog to the pond, he gets attacked by ducks


I should not have purchased a pure bread dog.

[Platapus]

I am reading a horror book in Braille.


Something bad is going to happen


I can feel it.

[Jeff-Groves]

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool
their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says,
"No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'Piñata??'

[Jeff-Groves]

It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism.
They have promised to commit 2 of their largest War Ships, 6,000 armed troops, and 60 fighter jets.

However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties, and a flying squirrel.

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out,
saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

A drunk stumbles upon a Baptismal Service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and
stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher...I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and
pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Platapus]

My wife still thinks that I am sexy


Every time I walk past her, she mutters "what an ass"

[Jeff-Groves]

I went into a restaurant that advertised Lobster Tails for $1.00
Being somewhat suspicious I asked.
"They're old right?
"Nope. They are fresh." she says.
"Really tiny?" I ask.
"Nope regular sized."
"There must be something wrong with them right?"
"They are just regular Lobster Tails." She says.
So I ordered one.

She came back a few minutes later and says
"Once upon a time there was this big Red Lobster....."

[Aktungbby]

https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/175BadJokes-5.jpg?fit=700%2C700?fit=700,700 https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/175BadJokes-8.jpg?fit=700%2C700?fit=700,700

[Platapus]

i joined a dating site for arsonists


got some great matches

[Platapus]

Last night, I deleted my wife's audio book


I'm never going to hear the end of it

[Platapus]

I got mugged by six dwarfs last night


Not happy

[Jimbuna]

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? Too many ears.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper? He wanted to live in the present.

[Platapus]

It is a shame that nothing is built in the USA any more.


I recently bought a radio and on the back was a label "Built in Antenna"

[Jimbuna]

What does a house wear? A dress.

[Jimbuna]

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.

[Platapus]

I was feeling a bit depressed


My wife put her hand on my shoulder and said "Earth"


That meant the world to me.

[Jimbuna]

Why didn’t the bike want to go anywhere? Because it was two-tired!

[Jimbuna]

Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!

[Platapus]

When I got home from work, the wife was complaining that the baby had been crying for hours and asked if I could take over.


Wanting to give the baby a break, I started crying.

[Jimbuna]

Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, "Let's go get a drink, there's this new place that does THE best punch you'll ever drink."

So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender "Bartender, two glasses of your best punch please."

The bartender replies in a stern voice, "If you want some punch you're gonna have to get in line like everybody else."

The friends turn and look around but there's no punch line…

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye? A Do-you-think-he-saw-us!

[Jeff-Groves]

WalMart Home delivery says you have to prove your over 21.
Dropping my pants and showing the Grey hairs on my Nut sack worked.

But They won't deliver to my house any longer!

[Platapus]

I met a microbiologist today


She was much larger than I expected.

[Jimbuna]

Why it is hard for a communist to tell a joke? It's not funny until everyone gets it.

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's pretty heavy and the other's a little lighter

[Platapus]

If lightening hits an orchestra, who is most likely to be hit?


The conductor, of course

[Jimbuna]

What do diapers and politicians have in common? They both stink and need to be changed often.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar, and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie."
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst...that color looks nice on you."

He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?"
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

[Jimbuna]

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for his Easter Break.
When he returns to California his friend says to him, "Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?

To which Arnie replied [in Arnie voice]: "Oh it was terrible! My father, he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally we all had an awful day."

His colleague then says, "Oh Arnie that's no good at all, I'm sorry to hear! Does that mean you don't love easter anymore?"

Arnie [Very important to read in Arnie voice]: "Oh no of course not - I still love Easter, baby."

[Catfish]

^ OMG :88)
:har:

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

[Platapus]

PSA from my insurance company.


If camping and your tent is stolen....


You won't be covered

[Jimbuna]

An Italian businessman goes to Indonesia for a business trip. He hates Indonesian food, so he asked the concierge in his hotel, "Is there any restaurant where I can find Italian food here?" The concierge says, "You're lucky sir, a new pizza restaurant just opened and they deliver." The businessman asks for the restaurant's number, goes back to his room, and orders the pizza.

30 minutes later, the delivery person shows up with the pizza. He takes the pizza and eats it. Suddenly he's sneezing uncontrollably and shouting to the delivery person, "What did you put on this pizza?!"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put exactly what you ordered on the phone, sir. It's pepper only"

[Platapus]

My wife asked me "What starts with F and ends with K?"


I told her "no it doesn't."

[Jimbuna]

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do anything, but the other two call him boss!"

[Platapus]

What do you call a factory that makes "OK" products?


A satisfactory

[Jimbuna]

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded, "The gas, electric, and cable company."

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.

[Platapus]

My girlfriend dumped me today, saying that I was not American enough.


I saw that coming a kilometer away

[Jimbuna]

Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.

[Platapus]

My wife called me at the bar and told me "If yiou are not home in 10 minutes, I will give your dinner to the dog"


You can bet that I made sure I was home in 5 minutes....


I love that dog

[Jimbuna]

When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.

[Jimbuna]

What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.

[Platapus]

I admit that I married my wife for her looks




Not the ones she has been giving me lately, though

[Jimbuna]

Have you ever had a bad sausage? It's the wurst.

[Platapus]

What did the triangle say to the circle


"You're pointless"

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.

[Platapus]

My wife is putting glue on all my rifles


She denies it...


but I am sticking to my guns

[Jimbuna]

How do you get a squirrel's attention? Act like a nut.

[Platapus]

Someone just called my phone and all they did was sniff, cough, and sneeze.


I am getting tired of these cold calls

[Von Due]

In response to Japan's shrinking workforce, Toyota presented today their new car
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/QmOMlhPX8zg/maxresdefault.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sour puss.

[Platapus]

I hired a handy-man and gave him a list of tasks


He only completed tasks 1, 3, and 5


Evidently, he only does odd jobs

[Jimbuna]

Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.

[Platapus]

My therapist thinks I have a phobia about getting married.


She asked me if I knew the symptoms?


I told her "I can't say I do"

[Jimbuna]

What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

[Platapus]

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days


I told him that I guess it was my weekend immune system

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.

[Platapus]

I was not happy with the performance of my racing snail so I removed its shell.


Now it is much more sluggish

[Jimbuna]

Once I read a book about glue. I couldn't put it down.

[Jeff-Groves]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$100."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "I'll tell."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$200"

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$300."

The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that stuff again."

[Platapus]

I surprised my wife by switching our bed for a trampoline




She went through the roof

[Jimbuna]

Why'd the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.

[Platapus]

I guess my friend hates living in the mid-west


She says she is in a state of Missouri.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.

[Platapus]

What happened when 19 got in to a fight with 20?


21

[Jimbuna]

What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.

[Platapus]

My grandfather was terrible, until I had my first kid


Then he was a great grandfather

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.

[Platapus]

Geology rocks


But Geography is where it's at

[Aktungbby]

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?”

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

[Jimbuna]

What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.

[Jimbuna]

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

[Aktungbby]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

[Jimbuna]

Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

[Platapus]

What is brown and sounds like a bell?


Dung

[Jimbuna]

What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.

[Jimbuna]

Why can't the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at C.

[Platapus]

Cross-eyed teachers have a harder time controlling their pupils

[Jimbuna]

How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.

[Jimbuna]

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

[Jimbuna]

Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.

[Platapus]

My girlfriend left me because she thinks I am obsessed with gambling.


All I can think of is how to win her back.

[Jimbuna]

What kind of music scares balloons? Pop music.

[Jimbuna]

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.

[Platapus]

My wife blocked me on facebook for making too many bird puns


Well toucan play at that game

[Jimbuna]

How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.

[Platapus]

My wife said "you have no sense of direction"


I wondered where that came from?

[Jimbuna]

Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.

[Platapus]

I drank some holy water along with a laxative


I am about to start a religious movement

[Jimbuna]

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

[Platapus]

Two weeks ago, I sent in my hearing aids in for repair


I have not heard anything since then

[Jimbuna]

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.

[Platapus]

My boss complained that when I go to work that I hide from her


I told her "Sure, everyone knows that good employees are hard to find"

[Jimbuna]

What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.

[Platapus]

Of all the inventions of the past 100 years...


The whiteboard has to be the most remarkable

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the cold dinner? It was chili.

[Platapus]

Astronomers got tired of watching the Earth revolve...
After 24 hours, they decided to call it a day

[Jimbuna]

Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.

[Platapus]

A history degree is useless


There is no future in it

[Jimbuna]

Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.

[Jimbuna]

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.

[Platapus]

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit
Wisdom is knowing not to add it to a fruit salad


Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a Smoothy

[Jimbuna]

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

[Jimbuna]

What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.

[Platapus]

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a gang of mimes.




They did unspeakable things to him

[Jimbuna]

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

[Platapus]

Why is dark spelled with a K?


Because you can't C in dark

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.

[Platapus]

My son asked me what it was like being married.


I told him to leave me alone.


When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.

[Platapus]

I called the Paranoia Help line




They asked me "how did you get this number?"