The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Phone rings at 2am.

Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.

[Jimbuna]

Donald Trump has just released new details about his plan to send illegals back to Mexico. He’s gonna deport them Juan by Juan.

[Platapus]

When I retire I want to move to the town of "Not in Service"


Evidently they have great bus service

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a mother and daughter.

Daughter: “Mum, am I ugly?”
Mum: “I told you not to call me mum in public.”

[Eisenwurst]

Why'd Mickey Mouse leave home.....

Cause his dad was a rat.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place in a hospital before getting test results.

Patient: Give it to me straight doctor.
Doctor: I can’t were both male.
Patient: Hahaha!!
Doctor: .. and also I wouldn’t want to catch AIDS.

[Jimbuna]

Caught my dyslexic housemate putting shoe polish on his genitals the other day. I later found out it happened after he read a newspaper article about the clocks going back.

[Jimbuna]

Man: Your place or mine?
Women: Both, you go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

[Jimbuna]

Just paid $1000 for an iPhone 7. Airplane mode better take me to Miami.

[Jimbuna]

Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/C5VN6kVb/322681208-570204151129424-5134232527763035518-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Platapus]

Son: What rhymes with orange


Dad: No it doesn't




:D

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalter native”

Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place while on safari.

Wife: Wow those hippos are really fat and ugly, are they relatives of yours?
Me: Yeah, they’re my in-laws

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about that new Muslim rock band from Saudi Arabia?

They’re called the ‘Throwing Stones’.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place in a job interview.

Interviewer: We’re looking for someone who is responsible, do you fit that criteria?
Me: Well in my last job when the store caught fire my boss said that I was responsible.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend told me this morning she doesn’t trust me.

I guess that’s one more thing she has in common with my wife.

[Jimbuna]

The other day my girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it….
So we went out and had some drinks. He’s a cool guy, wants to become a web developer.

[Jimbuna]

Ban pre-shredded cheese…. Make America grate again!!

[Jimbuna]

If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

[Jimbuna]

Just found out that the guy who painted the Mona lisa, Leonard O’davinchy is actually Italian and not Irish.

[Jimbuna]

After having a problem with alcohol I’ve now decided I’m only going to drink on days beginning with the letter T… Tuesday. Thursday, today, tomorrow Taturday and Sunday.

[Jimbuna]

According to a recent survey young kids are apparently the most annoying airline passengers.

I would have thought it might be terrorists.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation in a restaurant.

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

[Jimbuna]

My wife loves to role-play in bed. She usually pretends to be a coma patient.

[Jimbuna]

Spent the whole of last night sitting in bed thinking about the sun and where it comes from …. and then it dawned on me.

[Platapus]

A guy threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I said "What the Hellmans"?


People in California think that is one of the Best Foods puns out there.

[Jimbuna]

I’ll never forget my 1st week as a detective, it was terrifying. I kept seeing ghosts at every crime scene but then I found out they actually use white blankets to cover the dead.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation with a police man after speeding.

Police: Do you know why I pulled you over for speeding?
Me: Is it because it would have been too windy to speak while we were driving?

[Jimbuna]

A scientific survey recently revealed a horrifying statistic that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That means that 75% of women are running around untreated!

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how much my TV lies. Put my pet turtles in the microwave earlier today and they still can’t do any Karate.

[Platapus]

My wife and I were talking about whether we should have another child


We decided that one child was enough


Now we have to figure out what to do with our second child.

[magic452]

A tourist is walking through Chinatown and he is excited by all the businesses, stores and signs in the Chinese language.
As he turns a corner he sees a sign that reads, "Hans Olafson's Laundry."
Curious, he goes inside and sees an elderly Chinese man behind the counter and asks about the name of the laundry

The elderly man answers that it's the name of the owner.
The tourist asks how a Chinese laundry came about with that name.
The Chinese man answers, "When I came through Immigration the man in front of me was asked his name.
The man in front of me answered, 'Hans Olafson'.

When it was my turn to give my name, I told them, Sem Ting"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

A Saudi prince recently requested that naked statues be covered up while visiting Rome. Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about the new boy band that is taking Saudi Arabia by storm?? They’re called the Burka Street Boys.

[magic452]

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it."

"You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked.

"No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Never judge a book by it’s cover. I ordered a book online last week from Holland called ‘Creamy Jugs’ only to find it’s a book about 18th century cattle farming equipment.

[Jimbuna]

Just heard on the radio that the dinosaurs died 65 million years ago on this exact day.

Rip Dinosaurs
26th April 64,997,984 BC

[magic452]

A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw a picture of their favorite Bible story. When she saw little Johnny's picture of an airplane with four people in it, she got upset and asked him what story did he choose.

"The flight from Egypt." he answers, so she asks who the four people in the plane are.

He replies, "Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus." The teacher pauses then asks, "Well who is the fourth person?" "That's Pontius the pilot." Johnny answers.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

### For Sale ###

French WW2 Rifle
Never been fired
Dropped once.

[Jimbuna]

Got attacked by a group of mime artists last night. They did unspeakable acts to me.

[Jimbuna]

When I found out my girlfriend was having a baby my life really changed. I changed my name, address and phone number.

[Jimbuna]

Why is it that good people are always the ones who get screwed over? The other day I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

[Platapus]

A begger asked me for some money the other day. All I had was a $20.00 bill


I asked myself if I really wanted that twenty to go to buy booze/drugs.


I decided no... so I gave the beggar the twenty.

[Jimbuna]

The man who invented auto-correct spell checking died today.
Restaurant in peace.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how desperate my maths teacher is, he keeps asking me to find his x. I think it’s time he faced the truth, she’s not coming back.

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym,
“Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

[Jimbuna]

Definition of Wisdom: The thing that happens when you run out of stupid ideas.

[magic452]

A guy comes home from work and his wife is at the front door very angry. She is holding a slip of paper and yells at him, "I was doing the laundry and I found this in your pocket with the name Betty Sue on it. Who is this woman?"

He tells her to calm down and explains, "When I went to the track last week, one of the guys at work asked me to place a bet for him and the horse was named Betty Sue." The wife, somewhat embarrassed, apologizes to him.



A week later he comes home and his wife has all his clothes and other belongings piled in the driveway and when he asks what's wrong she replies, "Your horse called."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Got stopped by a women in the street today. She said “Excuse me sir, have you had an accident in the last 3 years that wasn’t your fault? I said, “Yes, she’s nearly 3 now.”

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation at my local Italian restaurant.

Waitress: Sorry for keeping you waiting sir.
Me: That’s ok. Did you know that this salt pot contains 22,358 individual grains of salt?

[Catfish]

The CEO of Ikea has been elected President in Sweden.

He expects to have his cabinet together in a couple of hours.

[Catfish]

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I didn't shoot him.
I just put the red laser dot on his forehead and my cat did the rest.

[Jimbuna]

Spoke to my family today after my WiFi went down. They seem like nice people.

[Jimbuna]

Disabled toilets.

Ironically, the only toilets that are big enough to run around in.

[Jimbuna]

Why is Christmas just like your job?

Because after you do all the work the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

[Jimbuna]

What has four legs and one arm?

A Doberman in a playground

[Jimbuna]

Just started reading a book about anti-gravity. Its impossible to put down.

[Jimbuna]

After 3 years of marriage, me and the wife had our first real fight last night.
I called my dad for advice on how to fix things.
He told me to apologize and admit I was wrong.
I was really looking for advice on how to dispose of the body.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.

Wife: Would you still love me if I became fat and lost my looks.
Husband: What do you mean “if”?

[Jimbuna]

Went to see my psychiatrist today. I keep having dreams where I’m a famous author working on the the Lords of The Rings Trilogy. He said it sounds like I’ve been Tolkien in my sleep.

[Platapus]

My wife tried to beat me playing Scrabble


I wooden letter

[Jimbuna]

I used to have a fear of climbing walls but I’ve finally managed to get over it.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What does an Ikea cabinet and a marriage have in common?
A. One screw out of place and the whole thing falls apart.

[Platapus]

My wife has a habit of staring at the window during rain storms.


Maybe I should let her in?

[Jimbuna]

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place in an Irish post office.

Murphy: Paddy why are you talking to that envelope?
Paddy: I’m trying to send a voicemail.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What’s the difference between a flying pig and a politician?
A. The letter F.

[Jimbuna]

Just failed my job interview after the following question:

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: I normally do it verbally using words but on this occasion I’ve actually prepared a dance.

[Jimbuna]

Why do old women love to have loads of cats?
Because as women age they reach a phase of life called the ‘many paws’.

[Jimbuna]

Top 5 worst ever Irish inventions.

1. Inflatable dartboard.
2. Diet water.
3. Helicopter ejector seat.
4. Wooden barbecue.
5. Non-stick toilet paper.

[Jimbuna]

Just got a new job helping a one-handed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

[Jimbuna]

What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down?

Igloos it back together.

[magic452]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got ol' Paddy here fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."
And then he just walks off.

"Wow, what a nice guy!" the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer says cheerfully. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer love life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm just wanting to know if I did a good job here. How many times a week do ya do the deed?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

A recent scientific study has found that 9/10 men prefer big boobs. The other man prefers the 9 men.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a refugee and E.T?

E.T. learnt English and wanted to go home!

[Platapus]

The difference between a Soldier, a Marine, and an Airman


"What do you do if you find a scorpion inside your tent?"


Soldier - Kill it and go back to sleep; no big deal


Marine - Kill it and eat it; thems good eatin with ketchup



Airman - Call the concierge and inquire why there happens to be a tent in his or her suite.

[Jimbuna]

I hate being bipolar, it’s amazing.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the teacher with the two lazy eyes? Apparently he can’t control his pupils.

[Platapus]

I told my carpenter that I did not want carpet on my staircase


He gave me a blank stare.

[Jimbuna]

Even after years of training at medical school it’s always sad when a patient dies. That’s the hardest part of being a dentist.

[Jimbuna]

Just started a rock band that is devoted to making music for people who love cleaning. The band is called ‘OC/DC’.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid that she went to the dentist to fix the Bluetooth on her iPhone.

[Jimbuna]

A funeral was held today for the inventor of air conditioning.
Thousands of fans attended.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What do you call an alligator who wears a vest?
A. An investigator.

[Jimbuna]

Four out of five dentists recommended flossing every day.

The other one is out killing lions.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

A meltdown.

[Jimbuna]

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

[Jimbuna]

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam!

[Jimbuna]

There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[Jimbuna]

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

[Jimbuna]

The Greek government has just reported that production of humus and taramasalata is down 50% since the start of the month. Looks like it’s going to be a double dip recession.

[Jimbuna]

My wife left me for a weather man. She’ll be mist.

[Jimbuna]

I joined the Weight Watchers dieting club last week. I’m just starting to find my feet at the moment.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the park the other day wondering why radio controlled air-planes get bigger the closer they get, and then it hit me.

[Platapus]

Yo mama is so ugly that she needs two tickets to visit the zoo
One to get in
One to get out

[Jimbuna]

Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.

[Jimbuna]

Just been told by my psychiatrist that i’m bipolar. Don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she walks backwards she’s legally required to make a beeping noise.

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how awesome my new pet goldfish is. Just found out that if you put it on the carpet it can actually do break dancing.

[Jimbuna]

Whoever said money doesn’t grow on trees has obviously never grown weed.

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place this morning.

Me: Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down.
Boss: What about the bus?
Me: I don’t have a bus.

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so fat, it took me two buses and a train to get to her good side.

[Jimbuna]

If a parrot is able to recite the Lords Prayer does that make it a bird of prey?

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid, she ate my homework because I said it was a piece of cake!

[Jimbuna]

Just made a new website for orphans, there’s no homepage.

[Jimbuna]

Accordion to a recent survey 90% of people don’t notice when you replace words with the names of musical instruments.

[Platapus]

Accordion to a recent survey 90% of people don’t notice when you replace words with the names of musical instruments.




But how many notice when the same joke is posted six times in the same thread?

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:D

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.

[Jimbuna]

What do relationships and video games have in common?

They both start off easy, then they get a little harder and then you end up cheating.

[Jimbuna]

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.

[Jimbuna]

Interviewer: Give me an example of a time you overcame a difficult situation.

Me: I ran out of milk once when making cereal so I came up with the idea of using ice cream.

[Jimbuna]

Just discovered I have superpowers. I can actually melt ice cubes by staring at them. It takes me quite a long time though.

[Jimbuna]

A recent survey has shown that a large number of women turn into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver beware of women who are turning.

[Platapus]

Yo momma so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

[Catfish]

Daughter called me and said she would like to have a pony for Christmas.
I said ok.
Though i think the duck last year was good enough.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my parents. When I was first born I didn’t speak to them for 2 years.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so hairy big foot took a picture of her.

[Platapus]

My neighbor was in the hospital for eating several plastic toy horses.
His condition is listed as stable.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat instead of wearing earrings she wears onion rings.

[Flaxpants]

I'll tell you what boils my piss - hotel kettles

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the Irish metal detector enthusiast who dug a hole 70ft deep? It turns out he had steel toecap shoes on.

[Jimbuna]

Why are Catholic priests always running? Because they love to exercise demons.

[magic452]

A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Rick. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Rick said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time the judge was fairly interested in Rick's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now, what the heck would YOU say?"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Just got a Sat Nav for bachelors. After every turn you get a new woman.

[Jimbuna]

I’m sure the Miss Universe competition is always fixed. Why does the winner always come from planet Earth?

[magic452]

Paddy and his wife Maggie are walking through a park in Ireland when they see a box behind a tree
and it turns out to have three bombs in it.

Paddy tells his wife they have to bring them to the police.
Maggie doesn't think it's a good idea and says,
"What happens to us if a bomb goes off?"
Paddy thinks about it for a moment and answers, "Well we will just tell them that we only found two."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a mental patient and a doctor.

Patient: Doctor please help me. I keep thinking I’m John McEnroe!
Doctor: You can’t be serious!!

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat, when she cries butter come out her eyes instead of tears .

[Aktungbby]

Host Jimmy Kimmel: "I think the decision to go with a champagne carpet over a red carpet shows how confident we are that no blood Will (Smith!?:shucks:) be shed.":O:

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so fat, when she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

[Jimbuna]

Got thrown out the cinema today for bringing my own food. I couldn’t resist.. the prices are way too high and also I haven’t had a barbecue in months.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat last time she went swimming in the sea some Japanese people tried to harpoon her.

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was little, she had to trick-or-treat by phone.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat she does her grocery shopping at McDonalds.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a Welshman with loads of girlfriends?
A Sheppard.

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate is an apology letter.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.

[Jimbuna]

Got some cheap aftershave from China the other day, no wonder they all have eyes like that.

[Platapus]

Yo mama's cooking so nasty, the house flies got together to fix the hole in the window screen.

[Jimbuna]

After years of working hard and many late nights I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as some people like to call it.

[Jimbuna]

My wife broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.

[magic452]

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe how long my wife and kids spend on eBay. It’s been weeks and still nobody has made a bid for them.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the dentist today and he told me I had to stop touching myself. I said “What’s that got to do with my teeth?”. He said “Nothing but I just find it really distracting”.

[Von Due]

Why don't Catholic priests marry? They're worried some wedding guest will wear the same dress as he wears.

[Platapus]

Next week is Diarrhea awareness week.


Runs until Friday

[Jimbuna]

Wife: What do you like best my face or my sexy body?
Husband: Your sense of humour.

[Jimbuna]

Four secrets of a happy marriage.

1. Find a woman who can cook and clean.
2. Find a woman who is an animal in bed.
3. Find a woman with lots of money.
4. Make sure none of these 3 women ever meet each-other.

[Jimbuna]

Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man is here, he says he had an appointment.”
Doctor: “Tell him i cant see him.”

[Jimbuna]

I’m not bad at cooking or anything …but how long is pasta supposed to cook in the toaster?

[Jimbuna]

Q. What was the first thing that Adam said when Eve was created?
A. “Ha ha ha, looks like yours has fallen off.”

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between 2 Irish men who decided to swap parters after a night of drinking.

Conor “That was a great idea swapping partners last night Paddy!”
Paddy “Yeah to be sure.. I wonder how the girls got on!”

[Jimbuna]

When I was a kid my dad used to beat me with his camera, I still have flash-backs.

[Jimbuna]

Yo momma is so fat, she sat on a TV and turned it into a flat-screen TV.

[magic452]

Good Ol Boy Bubba's best hunting dog goes missing for a week

and Bubba is concerned so his wife tells him to put an ad in the newspaper to help get the dog home.



After another two weeks with no response Bubba tells his wife that the ad was no help at all getting the dog back.

His wife asks him how he worded the ad in the newspaper and Bubba replies, "It said, 'Here boy!"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the Indian drug addict who went to intensive care after mixing curry power with cocaine? He’s now in a Korma.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she went swimming an Ocean Study Group said “Captain! Captain!, I found a blue whale.”

[Jimbuna]

Just had a really big argument with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris, she wanted to come with me.

[Tango589]

Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been pretty concerned. Thank you for that.

He's taken going to jail pretty hard. He's refusing all food, he's swearing and screaming and is highly unpleasant with anyone who comes near him.

He's graffitied the walls and is refusing to wear clothes.

As a family we're pretty united in our decision never to play Monopoly with him ever again 😀

[mapuc]

:har::har::har:

I was like Oh my..what a terrible situation his son has got into.
What has he done to deserve this ?
The last line was real punchline.

Markus

[Jimbuna]

Moved to joke thread.

[Tango589]

Moved to joke thread.
Cheers Jim, I should have thought of that first lol

[Jimbuna]

Cheers Jim, I should have thought of that first lol

Not a problem bonny lad :03:

[Jimbuna]

I went to the doctors today to get my prostate checked. He gave me the thumbs up.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she went on a rowing machine it sank.

[Jimbuna]

I never realized how common Tourettes syndrome was until I got a job as a traffic warden.

[Platapus]

I like eating my cat and not using commas.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the wheat farmer who got arrested by the police? Apparently he was a CEREAL killer.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so ugly she was hired by a prison to cure sex offenders.

[Tango589]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather, kinky is using the whole damned chicken!

[Jimbuna]

My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking. I now drink in front of a mirror.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so ugly when she went to the zoo people kept trying to feed her.

[Platapus]

I decided to switch to using a solid deodorant recently.



The directions said take off cap and push up bottom


I am still walking a little funny, but the good news is that when I fart the room smells wonderful.

[Catfish]

^ I stole that :D

[Jimbuna]

Just been diagnosed with diabetes. I’m beginning to have doubts about Dr Pepper’s medical qualifications.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid she made love to a carrot the other night because she was fed up of wearing glasses and wanted her eyesight to improve.

[Jimbuna]

I never have any luck with women. The other day my girlfriend won a trip for 2 to Las Vegas, she went there twice on her own.

[Platapus]

Pre means before
Post means after


To use both in a sentence would be preposterous

[Jimbuna]

When I was a child my mother had an affair with a demolition man, he was a real home-wrecker.

[Jimbuna]

I used to have a job working at a garage fitting tires but I couldn’t handle the pressure.

[Platapus]

My boss was yelling about how he hates lazy people


I asked him why, they don't do anything.

[Jimbuna]

I recently got an alcohol tester fitted to my wallet to make sure I don’t drink too much when I’m driving. It’s a picture of my wife, when she starts looking good I know I’ve had too much.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the soldier who survived being attacked by mustard gas and pepper spray.

He’s now become a seasoned veteran.

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about those new mobile phones for deaf people?
They’re called ‘eye-phones’.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama so stupid, she thought taco bell was a Mexican phone company

[Platapus]

Why be a pessimist?


It probably won't work out well.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve just Wrote a really awesome song about fajitas… Well it’s more of a wrap really.

[Jimbuna]

Yo Mama’s so fat, when she tried to commit suicide by jumping from a building, all the people said “NO! DON’T DO IT! HAVE MERCY ON THE GROUND!”

[Platapus]

Mary Jones was arrested today for running a confidence game by selling a so called immortality drug.


When police ran her record they found out she had been arrested for the same crime in 1995, 1923, 1890, and 1802

[Jimbuna]

Hi,

I feel so dirty right now, PLEASE DO ME!

Love,

The Dishes

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while in bed.

Husband: “Honey I think your mum tried to have sex with me last night! ”
Wife: “That’s impossible, she’s on holiday!”
Husband: “Oh ok, well maybe you should wear more makeup then!”

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so poor she can’t even pay attention.

[Jimbuna]

I love self checkout machines at supermarkets. Just got a 40″ TV for the same price as a bag of apples.

[Jimbuna]

After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution…

1920 x 1080

[Jimbuna]

I saw a naked man jogging in the snow the other day. I asked him what he was doing outdoors naked and he said it was because I was home early.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.

[Jimbuna]

Cant believe how cheeky my son is. I bought him a bb gun for christmas and he got me a sweatshirt with a bullseye on the back.

[Platapus]

My wife and I were admiring cars


She said "I could see myself in a Jaguar"


I wondered where I could find one hungry enough.....

[Jimbuna]

Since my wife left me I’ve been left with a really big gap to fill.. She was quite fat and we had a memory foam mattress.

[Jimbuna]

Just had a really interesting conversation with a Psychology graduate about how on average people tend to day-dream about 40% of the time. He also said something else that was interesting but I forgot the rest of the conversation, will have to ask him again next time he serves me in McDonald’s.

[Jimbuna]

Q. Who is the most tech-savvy Israeli Prime Minister?
A. Netandyahoo

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid she has to set the password for her computer as ‘incorrect’ so when she types it in wrong the computer can tell her what to type.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so old she was the party planner for the last supper!

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so old when she went to school they didn’t study history.

[Jimbuna]

My midget landlord told me that he wants me to leave my house by tommorow night. That‘s short notice.

[Jimbuna]

Had a really stiff neck when I woke up this morning. My wife said she hopes it spreads.

[Jimbuna]

I heard on the radio today that a warlord in Afghanistan has purchased over 3 million poppies. It’s great to see Islamic military leaders showing their respect to the British Armed Forces.

[Jimbuna]

What animal is either happy & playful or viscous & deadly depending on its mood?

…… A bi-polar bear.

[Jimbuna]

Financially I‘m set for life, provided i die next wednesday.

[Jimbuna]

Just quit my job at the mosque. All they care about is profits.

[Jimbuna]

Just handed in my resignation to quit my job as a psychic. I just don’t see a future in it.

[Platapus]

My wife was comparing our marriage as a deck of cards
"All we needed was two hearts and a diamond"


I thought to myself...


"all I need is one club and a spade....."

[Jimbuna]

I think dyslexic people should form an onion.

[Jimbuna]

Don’t you just hate it when insects make you late for work in the morning. I’m never gonna high-five a centipede again!

[Platapus]

I like to collect business cards of people I don't like.


Then, if I accidentally hit a parked car, I can write "sorry, my fault" on one of them and put it on the car.

[Jimbuna]

Got breathalysed by the police last night while driving home from a fancy dress party dressed as the Titanic. I was a nervous wreck.

[Jimbuna]

Farting in a crowded lift is wrong on multiple levels!

[Jimbuna]

A lady at work today was complaining because she said the escalator was broken. I told her “escalators never break, they just become stairs”.

[Jimbuna]

So much has changed since my girlfriend got pregnant. Like my name, address and telephone number!

[Jimbuna]

I lost 3 kilos over the weekend. Think I’m gonna go into hiding for a while just in case my boss sends a hit-man after me.

[Jimbuna]

Why is it that people who own guns are considered a danger to society but it’s perfectly acceptable for someone to own a meat clever and a human-sized freezer?

[Platapus]

Q: What was the dumbest thing you did as a kid?


Me: Wished I was an adult

[Jimbuna]

I accidentally crashed my car into the back of a midget earlier today.He said “I’m not happy!”, so I said “well which one are you then?”

[Jimbuna]

Just got fired from my job recently for concentrating too much. I work at an orange juice factory!

[Jimbuna]

Went to a barbershop today for a shave. The barber wanted me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth to get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I said: “What if I swallow the ball?”
He said: “No problem, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.”

[Jimbuna]

Got an email today from someone trying to sell me Mount Everest for £1 million. I told him it was a bit steep.

[Platapus]

My doctor prescribed an anti-gloating cream for me to use


I can't wait to rub it in.

[Jimbuna]

I remember the days when ‘Blue Ray’ was an elderly gentleman who drowned in our local swimming pool.

[Jimbuna]

In my previous job I used to take a lot of notes. I got fired after they started checking the cash register.

[Jimbuna]

It’s amazing how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your trousers and get into one of their beds.

[Jimbuna]

Man: Hi wanna dance?
Woman: Yeah sure!
Man: Ok go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!

[Jimbuna]

Yo mamas so fat when she went waterskiing someone tried to shoot her with a harpoon.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so stupid she got sacked from her job at the bank for stealing pens.

[Jimbuna]

Just told my wife I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist. She told me she’s been seeing a psychiatrist, a bartender and 2 plumbers.

[Jimbuna]

Whoever persuaded blind people they need to wear sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

[Jimbuna]

After being arrested and interrogated today I’ve now discovered that shouting “bomb” at the top of your voice is a bad way to keep yourself amused while waiting at an airport.

[Platapus]

Question for parents: When your toddler has pancakes for breakfast, do they pour the syrup on the floor or the table first?

[Jimbuna]

Q. Why did the zebra beat the horse at chess?
A. Because it’s a-frican genius.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so ugly that even dogs refuse to lick her face.

[Jimbuna]

I first discovered I was dyslexic when I went to an Abba themed party dressed like an Arab.

[Jimbuna]

Had a one night stand last year that went horribly wrong, we’re now married.

[Jimbuna]

Yesterday my boss told me “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. Today when I turned up at the office dressed like a Ghostbuster he told me I was fired.

[Platapus]

Me: Look at that marbling. That's what would make a great steak!


Everyone else at the autopsy: :o:o:o