The joke thread II

[August]

Guy at the furniture store told me this sofa would sit five people without any problems.


Then it occurred to me that I don't know five people without any problems!

[Jimbuna]

Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym.
Alexa: I have added gin to your shopping list.
Me: Close enough.

[Platapus]

I ordered a book on puns
I didn't get it

[Platapus]

Guy at the furniture store told me this sofa would sit five people without any problems.


Then it occurred to me that I don't know five people without any problems!




Nice one. :up:

[Jimbuna]

The man who created auto-correct has dies.

Restaurant in peace.

[Jimbuna]

If you watch the film Jaws backwards it’s actually a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

[Commander Wallace]

If you watch the film Jaws backwards it’s actually a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.


:haha:

[Catfish]

If you watch the film Jaws backwards it’s actually a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
:rotfl2::rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

Research scientists have discovered that fat women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[Jimbuna]

Girlfriend just accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

[Jimbuna]

6 was afraid of 7 cuz 7 8 9, but why was 10 afraid? Cuz he was in the middle of 9/11

[Jimbuna]

Scientists in India have now invented a new Covid Vaccine.

It’s called the Pun-jab.

[Jimbuna]

Depth limit for recreational divers – 12 meters
Depth limit for experience divers – 30 meters
Scuba diving world record – 137 meters
Depth limit for my Casio watch – 500 meters

Cheers, Casio that’s a relief

[Jimbuna]

Tinder is for rookies. I used Facebook marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It gives you all the recently divorced females in your area and you can filter by size.

[Jimbuna]

I parked my car outside parliament. “Sir, you can’t park here,” said a police officer. “This is where our politicians work.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve locked it.”

[Jimbuna]

Do you know if you sit on the toilet at 11:59pm and the clock strikes midnight, it’s the same sh!t different day ?

[Jimbuna]

Just started a business where we weigh tiny objects. It’s a small scale operation.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just left me for an Indian guy. I think he’ll treat her well because I I heard they worship cows.

[Jimbuna]

Girlfriend just broke up with me for being too European.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

[Jimbuna]

I heard a really great Coronavirus joke the other day but I don’t want to spread it.

[magic452]

A minister, doctor, lawyer, and engineer meet for golf after work. They find themselves stuck behind another group who is moving far too slow, clearly lost in what they're doing, to the point where dark will arrive before they finish their nine holes.

A groundskeeper wanders by, and they flag him over to complain about this group they're stuck behind. The groundskeeper explains, they're a group of blinded veterans, and out of respect the management lets them just go out and hack around for as long as they'd like.

The minister says, "oh that's terrible, I feel horrible for complaining. I will ask my congregation to pray for them." The lawyer says, "yeah, I feel pretty bad about this. I will see if there's any government assistance I can secure for them." The doctor says, "I have a good friend who is a leading ophthalmologist, I can ask if there is anything he can do for any of them."

Then they catch the engineer pondering, clearly confused by the whole situation. He says, "why can't they just play at night?"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

I’ll never forget my dads last words “Thanks for buying me a rattle snake for my birthday”.

[Platapus]

I poured some Root Beer into a square glass.


All I have now is beer.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the Covid vaccine. Anyone know where I can get a Windows 10 upgrade and Office 365? Just had a sudden urge to buy Microsoft software.

[Jimbuna]

Just found out my toaster isn’t waterproof. I was shocked.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into the Doctors wearing only cling film pants.

The Doctor says ” I can clearly see your nuts”

[Jimbuna]

Just got mugged by an Irish man. He came up to me with a knife and shouted “Give me all your money otherwise you’re geography.”
I said “Don’t you mean history?”
He said “Don’t try and change the subject. “

[Jimbuna]

I hope the thief who stole my anti-depressants is happy now.

[Jimbuna]

Scientists have recently discovered that having birthdays is good for your health. The more birthdays you have the longer you live.

[Jimbuna]

Q. How does Jesus make beer?

A. He brews it

[Jimbuna]

In order to help poor people supermarkets have now agreed to give away free turkeys. To qualify you need to be able to run faster than the security guards.

[Platapus]

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's Amore


When an Eel bites your heel like it's some sort of meal, that's a Moray

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about that new social media platform for people with bowel problems?

It’s called Sh**ter.

[Eichhörnchen]

https://i.imgur.com/eBjAkdL.jpg

[Jimbuna]

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That’s the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.

[Jimbuna]

My wife gave me a new nickname the other day, 007:

0 Romance
0 Hygiene
7 Meals per day

[Platapus]

I was called a plagiarist today


Hey, their words, not mine

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked me for an iPad the other day for her birthday. I had no idea she enjoys dressing as a pirate. Hope she likes it.

[Jimbuna]

My doctor recently told me to keep away from alcohol so I now drink using a 10ft long straw.

[Jimbuna]

Just failed my exam at Chef school.

I ran out of thyme.

[Jimbuna]

If two vegans have an argument is it still called a beef… or is it a quornfrontation?

[magic452]

An upscale bartender at an A-list bar has a standing invitation to anyone who can squeeze a drop from a lime after he squeezes it. The bar will give $10,000 to anyone who can squeeze a drop from the lime after the bartender has finished.



People come from all over to try; body-builders, construction workers, pro-footballers but nobody can squeeze one more drop after the bartender squeezes the lime.



One day a skinny little guy walks up and says he wants to try. Everyone laughs as the bartender crushes the lime until not another drop comes out. The little guy picks up the lime and squeezes it and incredibly three more drops come out.



Everyone wants to know about this skinny little guy and a TV reporter asks him what enables him to squeeze out more drops after everyone else has failed. The reporter asks him what his background and training is and he replies,

"No real training, but I work at the IRS."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn’t let me in.
I shouted to my wife, “Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?”
“Yes honey.”
“What is it?”
“It’s the date of our anniversary.”
Bitch.

[Platapus]

Communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets it

[Jimbuna]

3 Step Covid Test

1. Pour a glass of wine
2. If you can smell it you don’t have Covid
3. If you can taste it you don’t have Covid

Repeat 15 times just be to sure.

[Platapus]

I am learning Sign Language.


Pretty handy

[Jimbuna]

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It’s on its last legs now.

[Jimbuna]

My wife: Where’s the broom?

Me: Why, where are you going?

[Jimbuna]

For me the hardest part of telling my son he was adopted was learning Chinese.

[Jimbuna]

Do you know when that movie about constitpation is being released?

It seems to be taking ages to come out.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve got the memory of an elephant. I went to the zoo once and saw an elephant.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend’s dog died recently so I decided to get her an identical one. She was really angry, she said “what am I gonna do with 2 dead dogs?”

[Platapus]

For my birthday, I got a poor quality dictionary


I can't find the words to express how I feel.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen a sign for the Samaritans on the back of a bus. Surely it would be more useful on the front.

[Platapus]

At last night's Halloween party, my wife went as Cat Woman.


She spent the evening knocking stuff off of tables

[Jimbuna]

CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.

Except Winter and Summer.

And Autumn.

[Platapus]

The hostess of the Halloween party called me to ask why I did not attend


"I was there. I came as a Ninja"


"I didn't see you at our party"


"Thank you, that's a nice complement"


:D

[Jimbuna]

Decided to wear a Covid mask for protection but now I have to go to hospital with 3rd degree burns on my legs. Turns out you have to take the mask off if you drink coffee.

[Jimbuna]

Cant believe how many boarded up windows my local town center has nowadays. Windows cleaners have started replacing their sponges with sanders.

[Platapus]

The host of another costume party texted me wondering why I didn't show up.


"I came as a hypnotist"



"I don't remember seeing you at the party"


Thank you, I take that as a complement.


:D

[Jimbuna]

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

[Jimbuna]

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

[Jimbuna]

Just had a video chat with an attractive women who said she’ll do anything I want for only $100. She agreed to come to my house tomorrow. Fingers crossed she does a good job repairing my garden fence.

[Jimbuna]

This is the first year I can’t have a summer holiday in the Bahamas because of Covid19. I normally can’t have a holiday in the Bahamas because I’m too poor.

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation with my wife.

Wife: Can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since lockdown.
Me: You haven’t gained that much weight. Come on… chin up. No, the other one.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama so stupid…

She even failed her blood test!

[Jimbuna]

Things that can drive wife crazy during lockdown:

-Not saying sorry
-Saying sorry and not meaning it
-Saying sorry
-Not saying anything
-Saying anything
-Breathing!!

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/DzZbVfZL/313429906-10162083613412067-2804449008714380760-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/p6eMhcZ.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Discovered yesterday I have liftophobia, fear of lifts. I’m taking steps to avoid them.

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked me, “What did you buy me for valentines day?”
“Well,” I chuckled. “You see that pink Mercedes over there?”
“Yes,” she said happily.
“Well I bought you a toothbrush the same colour.”

[Platapus]

I was worried that my Girlfriend gave me a case of crabs.


My doctor gave me the good news that after the exam he could only find 23.

[Jimbuna]

Wife’s really angry tonight complaining I never buy her flowers!

Didn’t even realise she sold flowers.

[Platapus]

A friend and I like to try new foods, especially ones prepared differently


You could say we are Taste Buds

[Jimbuna]

Just seen 2 men beating up a little kid so I decided to step in and help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 3 of us.

[Platapus]

Went to this "Italian" restaurant. I didn't think it was serving authentic Italian food.


I think what I ate was an impasta.

[Jimbuna]

My dog minton has eaten all the shuttlecocks.

Badminton

[Jimbuna]

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don’t cry it’s only a joke

[Jimbuna]

Just won the £500 1st prize at my local weightwatchers weigh-in this week for loosing the most weight after successfully hiding 10kg of lead fishing weights in my pockets last week.

[Jimbuna]

“How depressing, it’s so cold and grey,” said the wife. “Well, it is January,” I replied… then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.

[Jimbuna]

Me and my wife have a difficult relationship. She’s a really cold person. She’s so cold that her side of the waterbed often freezes.

[Jimbuna]

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming unbearable. I feel ashamed to be human. Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

[Jimbuna]

Once I made a belt out of clocks…

It was a waist of time

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation at hospital.

Nurse: What happened to your fingers?
Me: You know those chefs who cut vegetables really fast?
Nurse: Yes?
Me: I can’t do that.

[Platapus]

My wife and I were very happy for over 25 years.


Then we met

[Jimbuna]

I heard on the radio today that the average person only recycles 3 bottles of wine per year! How dare you? Every week I recycle dozens of wine bottles and beer cans. Come on people!!! I can’t fix global warming by myself.

[Jimbuna]

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father. My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

[Jimbuna]

This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from vegetarian club. I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

[Jimbuna]

I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn’t believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

[Platapus]

If after you die, you come back again as a hillbilly, would that be reintarnation?

[Jimbuna]

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.

I won boatloads of money and moved to Spain.

[Jimbuna]

I hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour’s kids do is scream. I’m seriously considering giving them back.

[Platapus]

I was looking into home renovations with all the inflation these days. .


Chimneys have gone through the roof!!

[Jimbuna]

A Chinese man has died in a river in Beijing.

Police say that he may have been saved if the first 5 people to see him hadn’t thought they were looking at their reflection.

[Jimbuna]

Convert your sofa into a sofa-bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

[magic452]

They discovered that only 1% of the population of Japan has cataracts.
The rest have Toyotas.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

[Jimbuna]

Q. Why do birds always sing in the morning?
A. Because they don’t have to go to work!!

[Jimbuna]

The Irish government has recently announced that they are going to save money on lollipop men and women by moving schools to the other side of the road.

[Jimbuna]

My granddad used to be in the army until he ate all the rations.
He was shot for desserting.

[Jimbuna]

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.
“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

After 3 hours of popping I’ve now been fired.

[Jimbuna]

Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it’s her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I’m pleased to say I’ve already bought her her present. She’s going to love these flowers.

[Jimbuna]

All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except Winter and Summer. And Autumn.

[Jimbuna]

My wife died a few months ago. Ever since I’ve been a total mess… no sleep, weight loss, bloodshot eyes, unlaundered clothes… The other day my best friend told me “Steve, you’ve got to stop partying!”

[Jimbuna]

My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette’s suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

[Jimbuna]

Did you know that 85% of pie charts resemble Pacman?

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the new mummy they’ve discovered in Egypt? It was covered in nuts and chocolate.

They think his name was Pharaoh Rocher.

[Jimbuna]

I’m on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I’d originally set out to find cheap car insurance, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, the word (I’ll ) requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

[Jimbuna]

Just had the following conversation after getting pulled over by a cop.

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: I was just keeping up with the traffic.
Cop: There is no traffic!
Me: I know, that’s how far behind I am.

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/m24dQmDD/316290250-10225115634572368-477092288525266765-n.jpg (https://postimg.cc/K49rbrtS)

[Jimbuna]

I used to work for a Jewish carpenter.

He used to check my fingers for splinters to make sure I wasn’t stealing.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said I was rude for yawning when she was shouting at me.

I told her I wasn’t yawning, I was just trying to speak.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation happened after calling the police.

Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!

[Jimbuna]

Just been fired from my job as an airline pilot for smoking weed on my first day.

Apparently I misunderstood them when they told me to “get high” after takeoff.

[Jimbuna]

My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.

So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money.

[Jimbuna]

Knocked on my neighbours door and just had the following conversation.

Me: Your son has just run out in front of my car, I nearly killed him!!
Neighbour: I’m so sorry, he won’t be doing it again.
Me: I know he won’t, the paramedic said he probably won’t walk again.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife before bed.

Wife: Have you emptied the trash tonight?
Husband: Erm no, I’ll do it in the morning.
Wife: What about the cat?
Husband: I can ask but I think it might be a bit too heavy for him to lift.

[Jimbuna]

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines and it was full of oil.

[Platapus]

If I am in a restaurant and I am waiting for the waiter, doesn't that make me a waiter also?

[magic452]

It was mid-morning at the convent and all the nuns were out except Sister Maria. She decided to take a shower. When she got out she realized with dismay she had forgotten her robe and towel.
Just then she heard someone knocking on the door. “Oh bother, who is it?” she yelled.
”It’s the blind man!” A voice replied.
Well, that will be ok, she thought, and walked over in the ‘all together’ to answer the door.
A surprised looking man stood there with some
boxes and said “Good morning Sister, where would you like these blinds?”


Magic

[magic452]

A group of women who are regulars at Bingo are talking and the conversation turns to how they met their husbands. Several tell their stories and when it comes to one woman she says, "I'm a pharmacist and my future husband came in and asked to purchase condoms in size XXXXL. It was after we married that I realized he stuttered."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?”

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

[Jimbuna]

Last night my wife told me she wanted to do some role-play and aked me to pick any scene from any film. She quickly realised this was a mistake after I shouted “THIS IS SPARTA” and kicked her down the stairs.

[Platapus]

I just released my new pirate video game.


The feedback was that the player character did not look enough like a pirate


I guess I will need a patch for that.

[Jimbuna]

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.

I won loads of money and moved to Brazil.

[Jimbuna]

Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea.

[Jimbuna]

1 slice of apple pie:

Jamaica $4.50
Bahamas $6.50
Aruba $3.50
Cayman Islands $10.50

These are the real pie rates of the Caribbean.

[Jimbuna]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

[Jimbuna]

Rap is 75% Crap!

[Eisenwurst]

An old joke....:).....

2 pirates meet....

"Aaarh matey, where's your buccaneers?"

"On me buccin' 'ed".

[Catfish]

^ Is this as umm *bleep* as i suppose :arrgh!:

[Jimbuna]

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, “You are an irresponsible father!”

I said, “Who was that? Stop the car, son.”

[Jimbuna]

I’ve decided to start an educational campaign to tell people about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

[Jimbuna]

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. None because they never get the house.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad. But don’t worry…

I’ll be back.

[Jimbuna]

If money is the root of all evil why do they always ask for it in church?

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between me and my girlfriend.

Girlfriend: Do you want to get married?
Me: Sure.
Girlfriend: Great, when?
Me: Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl.

[Jimbuna]

They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m dyslexic.

So far I’ve made 2 Vases, a Jug and a teapot.

[Jimbuna]

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old…

Until she checked the freezer.

[Jimbuna]

Girl at the RyanAir check-in just told me “window or aisle”.

I replied “Window or you’ll what?”.

[Jimbuna]

My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed so I told her I have a headache.

[Catfish]

Tonight I was walking home late when I see a woman in the shadows. “Fifty bucks,” she says.
I’ve never been with a prostitute before, but decided what the hell.

We are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on us – it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” I answer indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” I said, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

[Jimbuna]

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said “Well, I’m off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park.”

[Jimbuna]

Appear 10 years younger by telling everybody you are 10 years older than you actually are.

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the news that the worlds oldest man died earlier today. Why does this keep happening?

[Jimbuna]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

[Jimbuna]

Just been ripped off by the guy who works at my local Chinese hardware store.
The pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

[Jimbuna]

Just signed a £250,000 per week contract to play for Manchester United.

I just need to get them to sign it now.

[Jimbuna]

I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn’t contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:

“Here, love, I’ll shift gear for you.”

[Jimbuna]

https://i.postimg.cc/cLcskR6x/319685607-929125434719256-224232311142460604-n.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Jimbuna]

Interviewer: What’s your main weakness and strength?
Me: Well my main weakness is knowing the difference between truth and fiction.
Interviewer: And your strength?
Me: My main strength is that I’m Batman!

[Jimbuna]

Most people are shocked when they find out…

I’m a self-taught electrician.

[Jimbuna]

My wife asked me if I would change our 1 month old son.

I told her I liked the one we have.

[Jimbuna]

Knock knock,
Who’s there?
Grandad . .
Shiiit, stop the funeral!

[Jimbuna]

I’m going through a divorce at the moment and my wife told me she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0…
That’s nice of her, paying off my debts.

[Platapus]

My son told me that he saw a man doing 50 pull ups and asked me if I could do that.


I told my son that, without bragging, I could easily watch a man do 100 pull ups.

[Ostfriese]

What's the difference between a banana and an elephant?






Have you ever tried peeling an elephant?

[Jimbuna]

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

[Jimbuna]

My Doctor has advised me to start running. I’m not ill or anything, I’ve just been sleeping with his wife.

[Jimbuna]

If you want to change the world do it while you’re single.
Once you get married you can’t even change the TV channel.

[Jimbuna]

My son brought his first girlfriend home tonight. The verdict? Flat chested, fat legs, and a flabby backside.
Oh, and she doesn’t react well to criticism.

[Jimbuna]

A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Jimbuna]

I went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies and government control of the media but I couldn’t find anything. Coincidence?

[Jimbuna]

Had a random drug test today at work and my results were negative. My dealer has got a lot of explaining to do.

[Jimbuna]

Just invented an invisibility cloak. Everything you cover becomes invisible.
Unfortunately you can still see the cloak itself so further work is needed.

[Jimbuna]

Just seen a man on a tractor shouting about the end of the world.

I think it was farmer Geddon.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place at bar

Customer: What’s the WiFi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: Ok, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: $10 please.
Customer: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!

[Jimbuna]

Scientific survey found out recently that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

[Jimbuna]

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

[Jimbuna]

“Sorry, I reversed into your car. Loads of people saw me do it so I decided to leave you this note. They think I’m leaving you my name and address but I’m not. Good luck with the repairs.”

[Jimbuna]

Really fed up with my new Thai bride!

She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!

[Jimbuna]

The first ever tablet to download data from the cloud was actually invented by Moses in 1300 BC.

[Ostfriese]

What's a typical 7 course meal in Ireland?


Six pints and a potato.

[Jimbuna]

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: Yes!!
Boss: That’s good, because after you left early yesterday for your grandmother’s funeral she came into the office to see you.

[Jimbuna]

Ladies please be careful when drinking tea. I found out last night that tea is more dangerous than alcohol. I came home at 4am after having 12 pints of beer and my wife who stayed at home drinking tea was really angry and violent.

[Jimbuna]

Interesting Fact:

A shark will only attack you if you are wet.

[Jimbuna]

Went to the zoo yesterday and saw a discarded baguette in the monkey enclosure.

It was bread in captivity.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What do you call a Mexican who’s been the victim of vehicle theft?

A. Carlos.

[Jimbuna]

Accordion to research 9 out of 10 people are so dumb they don’t even notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument.

[Jimbuna]

We gave our granddad the nickname ‘Spiderman’,

He hasn’t got any super powers, he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?

The Carroty Kid

[Jimbuna]

My friend Gav died from heartburn this morning.

I can’t believe Gaviscon.

[Jimbuna]

Made a taxi driver really angry tonight.

Told him to drive me home in reverse and now he owes me £16.20.

[Jimbuna]

Got my wife a new bag and belt for Christmas.

Vacuum cleaner should be like new once she fits in the new parts.

[Jimbuna]

I once went on a date with a girl and I had to tell her that she drew her eyebrows to high… she looked surprised.

[Jimbuna]

Guy who owns my local cinema just died.

His funeral is on Monday at 12:10, 14:20 and 18:40.

[Jimbuna]

Just finished my Christmas cards.

MasterCard and Visa are now maxed out.

[magic452]

I went into a Burger King today.
The woman serving had a badge on her left breast that said Pat.


To make a long story short

I am now banned from Burger King.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Dad: Hi son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?
Son: Haha you can’t fool me, it’s a chair!
Dad: No you’re wrong.. Our dog has died!

[Jimbuna]

Took my mother-in-law out last night. Loving my new sniper rifle.

[Platapus]

I recently visited my childhood home
I asked if I could come in and look around for old time's sake
They said no and slammed the door


My parents can be so rude!

[Jimbuna]

My parents made a fortune from selling lamb chops.

They’re minted.

[Jimbuna]

Was playing charades last night and my uncle suffered a stroke! Unfortunately it took quite a while to phone an ambulance because we were all shouting “Sylvester Stallone! Sylvester Stallone!”

[Aktungbby]

"Flat-earth Society members have nothing to sphere but sphere itself...":hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between a candle and a curry?

A candle only burns at one end.

[Jimbuna]

If I was a teacher I would staple burger king application forms to failed exam tests.

[Jimbuna]

I heard if you drink every day that means your an alcoholic so I now only drink at night.

[Jimbuna]

Got an email from a bored housewife the other day looking for ‘some action’ so I decided to send her some of my ironing to keep her busy.

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard about that new TV program about origami?

It’s paper view.

[Platapus]

I asked my father if I was adopted


He told me "of course not. What makes you think I would ever voluntarily pick you?"


:shifty:

[Jimbuna]

My new business on Ebay is a great success. Just sold my homing pigeons for the 17th time in a row!

[Jimbuna]

Found a leather wallet today and as a good Christian I thought to myself.

“What would Jesus do?”

So I tried to resurrect the cow that the wallet came from.

[Jimbuna]

Chinese takeaway – £15
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless.

[Platapus]

My new business on Ebay is a great success. Just sold my homing pigeons for the 17th time in a row!


Not only that but you were also able to post the same joke three times in this thread! :D:O::O::O:

[Ostfriese]

Chinese takeaway – £15
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless.


You'd have to be quite experienced (didn't want to say "old") to fully understand this one :D

[Platapus]

My wife keeps nagging me about my poor sense of direction


I got so sick of it, I packed up my stuff and right.

[Jimbuna]

What’s a vampires favorite fruit?

A nectarine.

[Jimbuna]

“Sorry I don’t know if its a boy or a girl yet, we’ll have to wait until the baby grows older and decides for itself!” Said no doctor ever.

[Ostfriese]

She: "Where are you"
He: "At the pub"
She: "I've cooked a meal, if you aren't here in 10 minutes I'll give it to the dog."
He: "What has the dog done to you?"

[Jimbuna]

Saw 2 fat people talking earlier today. It was a HEAVY discussion!

[Platapus]

When my daughter got engaged, she asked me how much a marriage would cost


I told her that I don't know as I am still paying for mine.

[Jimbuna]

A policeman arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[Jimbuna]

If a redhead works at a bakery, does that make him a gingerbread-man?

[Platapus]

I looked up my symptoms on WebMD


Turns out that I just have kids

[Jimbuna]

A wife can help turn you into a millionaire. If you start off as a billionaire.

[Jimbuna]

Apparently when your wife says “do whatever you want” that’s not what she means. Luckily the stripper I ordered agreed to a refund.

[Jimbuna]

It says “Please drink responsibly” on the label so I guess I should probably put my seat belt on.

[Jimbuna]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

A: Bison.

[Jimbuna]

Played Islamic chess last night. It’s just like normal chess but the queen goes in the corner and she’s not allowed to move.

[Jimbuna]

Whatever you do always give 100%, unless your donating blood.

[Jimbuna]

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

[Jimbuna]

Last night my wife asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a coloring book and some crayons.

[Jimbuna]

Sometimes I like to use big words I don’t understand to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

[Jimbuna]

Asked a librarian the other day if she had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: “They’re right behind you.”

[Jimbuna]

Just seen at idiot in my local gym putting a bottle of water into the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

[Jimbuna]

Pirate 1: I heard its your 30th birthday today.
Pirate 2: Aye matey.
Pirate 1: Wow, 80, you look a lot younger.

[Jimbuna]

Me: “Sorry I’m not coming in today. Got chickenpox.”
Boss: “Don’t give me that!”
Me: “I won’t. I’m not coming in.”

[Jimbuna]

I had a job interview yesterday and I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

The interviewer asked “Are you nervous?”
I replied, “No, I always give 110%.”

[Jimbuna]

Just found out that I’m colourblind…

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

[Jimbuna]

Fun idea. If you have no kids hire a babysitter anyway and tell them the kids are asleep upstairs and not to be disturbed. When you come home ask them why the kids are missing.

[Jimbuna]

My teacher didn’t believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

[Jimbuna]

My neighbor Bob went to the doctors.
Bob said that he has hearing problems.
So the doctor said explain your symptoms .
Bob said “Marge has blue hair and Homer is fat.”

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place in the palace of the supreme leader of North Korea.

Kim Jong Un: Nuke the Chinese.
Adviser: No problem your excellency, missiles will be launched in 3 minutes.
Kim Jong Un: I was talking about microwaving some food you idiot.

[Jimbuna]

Following conversation took place between husband and wife in a cafe.

Husband: I love you.
Wife: Is that you talking or the wine?
Husband: I was talking to the wine.

[Jimbuna]

First rule of Alzheimer’s Club…
Don’t talk about chess club.

[Jimbuna]

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

[Jimbuna]

It looks like food banks are just as corrupt as normal banks. I deposited a pack of biscuits at my food bank last week and when I went to collect them today they told me they had gone.

[magic452]

Joe is an avid golfer and a mild mannered guy but one day after coming off the golf course, he goes into church and asks the priest to hear his Confession.

He tells the priest he said a terrible curse word while on the golf course and the priest asks him to tell the details.

Joe begins, "I hit my drive into the woods and it was behind some trees." The priest interrupts and asks, "Was that when you used this curse?" Joe continues, "No, a squirrel came out of the woods with the ball in his mouth and was running away with it."

Again the priest interrupts, "So that's when you cursed?" But Joe goes on, "No, because a big hawk came down and grabbed the squirrel in his claws and flew away with it." The anxious priest jumps in again and says, "Surely now is when you lost it and used the terrible curse word." "No Father because that caused the ball to fall and it landed on a small hill and rolled down to less than a foot from the hole and..."

"DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE #!+#!#! PUTT" shouts the priest.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Went on a date with a girl and I told her to text me when she got home. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still haven’t got a text, I think she must be homeless.

[Jimbuna]

Q. How do you make a pool table laugh?
A. Reach into its pockets and tickle its balls.

[Jimbuna]

Can’t believe it’s pancake day today.

It’s really crêped up on me.

[Jimbuna]

My Korean girlfriend made a pie from Scratch this weekend. I’m gonna miss that dog.

[Jimbuna]

It’s incredible how many scams are on the internet these days but for only $19.99 I can send video about how to avoid them. Please email money to avoid_internet_scams64@hotmail.com

[Jimbuna]

If you had the choice between being as rich as Bill Gates or having world peace, what color Lamborghini would you buy?

[magic452]

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight,

the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush

and a large male lion stood facing her.


The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the naked woman who robbed a bank?

Nobody could remember her face.

[Jimbuna]

When me and my wife have arguments I always have the last word. Usually those words are ‘Sorry, you’re right’.