The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal. Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.

[Jimbuna]

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe, damn it! Breathe!"

[Platapus]

My car failed inspection, but I will still keep driving it


Bad breaks have never stopped me before

[Jimbuna]

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket. They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

[Aktungbby]

Studies have shown that women who carry a "little extra weight" live longer...than men who mention it!:doh:

[Aktungbby]

_-My car failed inspection, but I will still keep driving it


Bad breaks have never stopped me before that's brakes ya illiterate bugger!:hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

[Aktungbby]

the earth cannot possibly be flat...or else my cat would have shoved everything over the edge by now!:hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.

[Platapus]

_- that's brakes ya illiterate bugger!:hmmm:


A fair cop. :oops:


hokd on fonex werkd fer me

[Aktungbby]

https://img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net/tenant/amp/entityid/AAWaz82.img?w=800&h=415&q=60&m=2&f=jpg

[Jimbuna]

My dad's answer to everything is alcohol. He doesn't drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles.

[Eisenwurst]

A squirrel is sitting in his Oak tree when along comes an elephant and sits next to him.


"How'd you come to be in this tree?" says the squirrel.

"Oh I just come up here to eat these delicious oranges" says the elephant.

"You're mad" says the squirrel, "this is an Oak tree, it doesn't grow oranges."

"I know" says the elephant, "that's why I brought these from home."

[Jimbuna]

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? "Oops!"

[Jimbuna]

What did Blackbeard the pirate say when he turned eighty? "Aye, matey."

[Jimbuna]

What do an apple and an orange have in common? Neither one can drive.

[Jimbuna]

Five guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would've seen it.

[ET2SN]

I want to start a long distance auto rallye from Intercourse, Pa. to Athol, Ma. but I can't think of a good name for it.


:Kaleun_Smile:

[Jimbuna]

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? "Stay out of those places!"

[Von Due]

The Man U player walks up to the ref and asks for a new ball.
"What's wrong with the one you've got?" the ref asks.
The player replies "Liverpool is using that one".

[Jimbuna]

What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.

[Jimbuna]

Where did the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies.

[Jimbuna]

There are three types of people in the world. Those of us who are good at math and those of us who aren't.

[Commander Wallace]

Of all the people I know in the world, you're one of them.

[Jimbuna]

Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.

[Jimbuna]

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he always gets a hole in one!

[Platapus]

Fond memories of playing with my father. He used to roll us kids down a slight hill inside old car tires.


Those were the Goodyears

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he eventually woke up!

[Jimbuna]

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.

[Platapus]

What's the difference between a politician and a trampoline?


You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

[Platapus]

How do you get a drummer to leave a party?


Just pay for the pizza

[Jimbuna]

What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.

[Jeff-Groves]

A telephone rang.
"Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the
phone.”

[Jimbuna]

I'm not a big fan of stairs. They're always up to something.

[Platapus]

What do you call 5 lawyers skydiving?


Skeet

[Jimbuna]

Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

[Platapus]

When I fly, I like to hang air fresheners in the aircraft


It helps with descent.

[Jimbuna]

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

[Platapus]

I built a car out of my old sports clothes


You could say it runs Lycra dream

[Jimbuna]

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.”

[Platapus]

My wife kept complaining about my Flamingo imitation


I finally had to put my foot down

[Jimbuna]

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

[Platapus]

If trains stop at a train station
If buses stop at at bus station


What happens at a work station?:hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

[Platapus]

Police: We see that there is a dead body in your basement


Schrodinger: (sigh) there is now.

[Jimbuna]

Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.

“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”

“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”

[Platapus]

Why do bees stay in their hive during the winter?


Swarm

[Eisenwurst]

When I worked on the wharves we had a bloke called "The Judge".

He was always sitting on a case.

[Platapus]

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?


Well, first of all, one is an elephant!

[Eisenwurst]

Back on the wharves we also had a bloke we called "The Diesel Fitter" :)

Whenever a load of Womens clothing arrived, he go through the cases, taking out what he wanted, and you could hear him muttering......"yeah....these will fit her".

[Jimbuna]

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

[Platapus]

My doctor told me that I was going deaf


I have not heard from him in a while though

[Jimbuna]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!”

“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

[Platapus]

I was stunned when the doctor told me I was color blind.


That really came out of the grey.

[Jimbuna]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

[Jimbuna]

A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.

“Shucks,” the boy said, “it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.”

“How come?” asked a friend. “Did the boat leak?”

The kid looked amazed. “There’s a boat?”

[Jimbuna]

On a Miami­ to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.

As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, ‘”Look, why don’t you go and play outside?”

[Eisenwurst]

Just found out I'd been dating a commie.

I guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier.

[Jimbuna]

Rushing up to a large airline’s ticket counter, a man gasped, “Miss, please help me. I have to get to Chicago in the worst way!”

The clerk calmly pointed to her left and said, “Sir, that would be the airline next to us.”

[Jimbuna]

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

[Platapus]

It takes me 10 minutes to walk from my house to my neighborhood bar, but it takes me 30 minutes to walk from the bar to my house.


The difference in time is staggering.

[Jimbuna]

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

[Platapus]

How did the kleptomaniac treat his condition?


The took something for it.

[Jimbuna]

“We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.”

[Platapus]

Why do kleptomaniacs never laugh at puns?


Because they always take things literally

[Jimbuna]

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”

[Platapus]

I wanted to attend a kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting


But all the seats were already taken

[Jimbuna]

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”

[Jimbuna]

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

[Jimbuna]

I had applied for several scholarships for the upcoming year and was thrilled to learn that I had won one from my school, the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Sometimes such awards are named after places. The letter the university sent me said that I had won the Las Vegas Strip Scholarship, named after the street with all the major hotels.

When I told my mother about the award she paused, then asked, “Just what exactly did you do to win that scholarship?”

[Catfish]

I looked into her eyes, deep into the emerald green, my heart fluttered, I felt a connection, something deeper, something magical, I was transported to another place and I thought, blimey these binoculars are brilliant.

[Eisenwurst]

Putin goes to a fortune teller.

She says "I see you being driven through the streets of Kyiv in a great Victory parade. There's millions of people lining the streets, cheering, clapping and waving."

"Am I waving back?" he says.

:)

"No, the coffin's sealed".

[Jimbuna]

^ :haha:

[Jimbuna]

An American was being shown a big Soviet sign factory. “We turn out about 500 signs a week,” proudly said the Russian, “and when business demands it, we can step it up to 2,000.”

“Amazing!” said the visitor. “By the way, what do the signs say?”

“Elevators not running,” was the answer.

[Platapus]

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?


Inflation.

[Jimbuna]

When my brother began his psychiatric practice, his first patient was a particularly good-looking young woman. My brother motioned for her to lie down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until he reassured her that it was part of the therapy procedure. Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.

“Now then,” he asked, “how did your trouble begin?”

“Just like this,” she said.

[Platapus]

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?



Only one, but he has to do it during dinner.

[Platapus]

How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

[Platapus]

Why did the man fall into the well?


He just could not see that well

[Jimbuna]

At our weekly alumni meetings, the football coach shows the film of the most recent game and holds a question-and-answer period afterward. One of the alumni, who had played on the football team many years ago and had a son on this year’s squad, posed a question concerning the defensive line. “I’d like to know,” he said, “why our boys are so slow getting into the opposition’s backfield after the ball is snapped.”

“Gosh, I’m not sure, Fred,” answered the coach. “But it could be hereditary.”

[Xerxes]

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality

[Platapus]

What has ears but cannot hear?



A cornfield!

[Xerxes]

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pack of cards.



I'll deal with you in a minute!

[Xerxes]

Doctor, doctor! What happened to the man who fell into a saw and got the left side of his body cut off?



He's all right now.

[Eisenwurst]

Where did the sheep go on vacation???

The Baa Hamas.

[magic452]

Two men are standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first one his name and what he did. He gives his name and says, "I drove a taxi in New York City for 30 years." St. Peter checks his records and says, "OK, here is a silk robe and enter Heaven."

St. Peter asks the second man the same question and he replies, "I was the Pastor of the Calvary Church and I preached the gospel for 40 years." St. Peter again checks his records and says, "OK, here is a cotton robe and enter Heaven." The Pastor is puzzled and asks why the cab driver got a silk robe and he only got a cotton robe.

St Peter replies, "Up here we go by results. While you were preaching people were sleeping. While he was driving people were praying."

Magic

[Platapus]

I'm so good at sleeping that I do it with my eyes closed.

[Aktungbby]

Three engineer students are discussing the possible designer of the human body. "It was a mechanical engineer" says one: " just look at all those joints." Another renders: "Nope, had to have been an electrical engineer...that nervous system has thousands of electrical connections." The last imputs: "It was civil engineer! Who else would run a toxic waste line through a recreational area!??" :yep:

[Jimbuna]

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, “Well, they’re the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store.”

[Eisenwurst]

Why'd Mozart get rid of his chickens???

'Cause they kept saying.....Bach, Bach, Bach.

[Platapus]

Someone invented a pencil with an eraser at both ends.


I think that's pointless

[Jimbuna]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

[Jeff-Groves]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said "You Americans.

You are such a rude class of people.

Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady.

May I sit there?

I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!

Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Platapus]

Shouldn't the roof of your mouth really be called the ceiling?

[Jimbuna]

“I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant.”

“What on earth do you need an elephant for?”

“I don’t. I just need the money.”

[Platapus]

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

[Eisenwurst]

Why did the dinosaur cross the road??

'Cause the chicken wasn't born yet.

[Jimbuna]

While I was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor would not be as good as I had been.

“Nonsense,” I replied, flattered.

“No, really,” she insisted. “I’ve lived here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.”

[Jeff-Groves]

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.
But he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely, she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief.
"By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

[magic452]

A Dad and is teenage son happen to walk down the condom aisle in the drug store. The teenager says to his dad, "We learned about condoms in our sex education class at high school" The son looks at the various condoms for sale and asks his dad, "Why are there three packs and six packs of condoms in the store?" Dad says, "Well the three packs are for high school kids, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday. The six packs are for college kids, two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The teenager then sees a twelve pack of condoms and asks about them. Dad answers, "Those are for married people, one for January, one for February, one for..."




Magic

[Platapus]

How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?



You slowly get over it.

[Jimbuna]

I was administering an achievement test to David, a precocious six-year-old, and I began by asking him when his birthday was.

“February 20,” was his quick response.

Next I asked him, “What year, David?”

He looked at me quizzically at first and then hit upon the obvious answer. “Every year,” he said.

[Platapus]

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.



I'll let you know.

[Jimbuna]

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way. Second, let her have it.”

[Platapus]

What state is known for its small drinks?



Minnesota.

[Jimbuna]

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

[Jeff-Groves]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[Platapus]

Why do melons have weddings?



They cantaloupe!

[Jimbuna]

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident to find a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”

“How should I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

[Platapus]

I asked my dog what's two minus two.



He said nothing.

[Jimbuna]

“First, the doctor told me the good news. He said that I was going to have a disease named after me.”

[Jeff-Groves]

Bob and Jim were out fishing, mostly in silence, when Bob suddenly spoke up.

“Think I might divorce my wife. She hasn’t talked to me in two months,” he said.

Jim looked up, nodded, reeled in his line and cast again.

Then he turned to Bob and said, “Careful. Women like her are hard to find.”

[Jeff-Groves]

Two Ladies meet in the afterlife:

1st woman:
Hi. Wanda!

2nd woman:
Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman:
I froze to death.

2nd woman:
How horrible!

1st woman:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?

2nd woman:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman:
I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran
up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in
the freezer--we'd both still be alive.

[Platapus]

If two vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called beef? :hmmm:

[Jimbuna]

“Hello, Reverend Smith? This is the Internal Revenue Service. Is Samuel Jones a member of your congregation?”

“He is.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”

[Jimbuna]

One Sunday, a minister played hooky from church so he could shoot a round of golf. St. Peter, looking down from Heaven, seethed. “You’re going to let him get away with this, God?”

The Lord shook his head.

The minister took his first shot. The ball soared through the air 420 yards and dropped into the cup for a hole in one. St. Peter was outraged. “I thought you were going to punish him!”

The Lord shrugged. “Who’s he going to tell?”

[Jimbuna]

I’d offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor’s. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.

“Mom, we’ve got to go,” I interjected, but she couldn’t hear me over the chatter. “Mom!” I repeated as I pulled her away.

“Sorry, but I didn’t know what to do,” she said, getting into the car. “That woman wouldn’t stop listening to me.”

[Jimbuna]

I hang on to my old, beat-up appliances as long as they keep working. I thought my wife shared, or at least accepted, my philosophy. But the other morning, I saw a note posted in front of my 15-year-old coffeemaker: “Jurassic Perk.”

[Jimbuna]

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

[Jimbuna]

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

[Jimbuna]

As the hedge fund manager gets out of his brand-new Porsche, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door. “My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund manager looks down in absolute horror. “Oh, no!” he cries. “My Rolex!”

[Jimbuna]

After writing a speech for class, my daughter asked for input. I listened to her talk about sexually transmitted diseases, then gave my opinion.

“It’s great,” I said. “There’s one sentence in particular that I like.”

“Which one?” she asked.

“The one where you write, ‘The only way other than abstinence to be sure that you will not contract an STD is to remain in a monotonous relationship.'”

[Jimbuna]

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.

“If the main parachute malfunctions,” he said, “how long do we have to deploy the reserve?”

Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”

[Platapus]

As my sky diving instructor told us "He who hesitates shall inherit the earth"

[Catfish]

A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses.
His condition has been described as stable.

[Jimbuna]

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

“You have a point,” he said. “But then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”

[Jimbuna]

The English language often got the better of my German grandfather, a pastor. During one service, he announced that two members of his flock were getting married.

“You’re all invited to the wedding,” he told the congregation. “And also to the parish hall afterward for the conception.”

[Platapus]

Children are born with four kidneys


When they get older, two of them become adult knees

[Jimbuna]

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

[Jeff-Groves]

I have an Irish friend that never comes in the house.


I call him Patio Furniture.

[Jimbuna]

Mr. and Mrs. Shaw were on safari in Africa, walking through the jungle. Suddenly a huge lion sprang out of the bushes and seized Mrs. Shaw, dragging her off.

“Shoot!” she screamed to her husband. “Shoot!”

“I can’t!” he shouted back. “I’ve run out of film!”

[Jimbuna]

Dwarf couple who work in a Circus are having a baby. They go to the Doctors for a check up. Doctor says "Everything's fine, tell me what do you want, a boy or a girl?" Bloke says "We aren't that choosy really as long as it fits in a cannon".

[Jimbuna]

A Stanford University professor took his young son with him on a trip across the country. One day after their return, a package was delivered with postage due. Neither the professor nor his wife had the necessary $3, but their son produced it. Surprised, his mother asked how he came to have that much money.

“Well,” he said, “Dad was awfully careless with money on our trip and nearly always left some on the table when we ate. So I just picked it up.”

[Jimbuna]

“I don’t think I look thirty, do you, dear?” asked the wife.

“No, darling, not now,” her husband replied. “But you used to.”

[Jimbuna]

At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he asked, “Do you think we ought to try chumming?”

His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, “We might as well. They can’t see us from there.”

[Jimbuna]

A young mother paying a visit to her doctor in Providence, Rhode Island, made no attempt to restrain her five­-year-­old son, who was ransacking an adjoining treatment room. But finally an extra-­loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Billy being in your examining room.”

“No,” said the doctor calmly. “He’ll be quiet in a moment when he gets to the poisons.”

[Jimbuna]

The sailor and his girl had been having a disagreement; she was crying and he was trying to comfort her. As I got closer I heard him say, “Honest, honey, you gotta believe me—I ain’t got a sweetheart in ev’ry port!”

As I moved on I heard his closing argument: “I ain’t been in ev’ry port!”

[Jimbuna]

When my teenage son worked part time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color that he needed.

My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, “Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?”

The customer scrutinized him and said, “You’re not married, are you?”

[Jimbuna]

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

[Jimbuna]

Why are snails slow?

Because they’re carrying a house on their back.

[Jeff-Groves]

So a priest and rabbi develop a friendship of sorts over the course of serving the same community for many years

one afternoon sitting on a park bench the priest says to the rabbi

"I know this is a deeply personal question, and its okay if aren't comfortable answering, but did you ever try eating pork?"

the rabbi looks down at the ground in shame and says "yes...to be completely honest, I once ordered room service breakfast and it came with bacon, I was all alone and tried a little"

the rabbi then asks his own question "since we're revealing secrets here friend, let me ask you, did you ever sleep with a woman?"

priest looks at the ground in shame and replies, "yes...I did...when I was first out of the seminary I was tempted by a young parishioner and in my weakness I gave in to temptation just that once"

The Rabbi nods to show he understands and says "it sure beats the *(&^ out of pork doesn't it?"

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account?

PRIME-mates.

[Jimbuna]

What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a guy who’s really loud?

Mike.

[Jimbuna]

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?

That hit the spot!

[Jimbuna]

3What do you call two bananas on the floor?

Slippers.

[Jimbuna]

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

[Jimbuna]

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

[Jimbuna]

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

[Jimbuna]

What's the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

[Jeff-Groves]

Monday afternoon I went to the liquor store on my bicycle, bought a bottle of scotch and put it in my bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself if I fell off the bicycle the bottle might break. So, I drank the bottle before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven time before I made it home.

[Platapus]

Is a swimming pool dangerous?


Deep ends

[Jimbuna]

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

[Jeff-Groves]

Last night I watched a documentary on mushrooms...


I will watch every documentary that way from now on!

[Jeff-Groves]

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at her friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Jimbuna]

Got a PS5 for my little brother. Best trade I've ever done!

[Platapus]

I started exercising using stuff I already had at home


I started with lifting 1 pound bags of potatoes


Then I moved to lifting and holding 5 pound bags of potatoes


Now I am up to holding two 10 pound bags of potatoes.


One of these days I might put some potatoes in the bags.

[Jimbuna]

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.

[Jeff-Groves]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the White House.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord.
It read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

[Jimbuna]

You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?

Bernadette.

[Jimbuna]

How does a squid go into battle?

Well-armed.

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

[Jimbuna]

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?

Close the door, I'm dressing.

[magic452]

Vladimer Putin is in a Russian school giving a speech to the students. At the end of the speech he says he will take questions. A girl name Sasha asks, "Mr. Putin, why did we invade Ukraine?" Before he can answer, the lunch bell rings and the teacher says the questions will continue after lunch. When the class is back a student named Boris says, "I have four questions. Why did we invade Ukraine? Why is the war taking so long? Why did the lunch bell ring 20 minutes early? Where is Sasha?"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

"I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

[Jimbuna]

I used to be addicted to soap.

But I'm clean now.

[Jimbuna]

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

[Jimbuna]

Why is England the wettest country?

Because the queen has reigned there for decades.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

[Jimbuna]

A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!"

[Platapus]

I forgot how to throw a boomerang


But it came back to me

[Jimbuna]

And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

[Jimbuna]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

[Jimbuna]

Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

[Jimbuna]

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

[Jimbuna]

What did the swordfish say to the marlin?

You're looking sharp.

[Jimbuna]

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

[Jimbuna]

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

[Jimbuna]

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

[Platapus]

I stopped off at a bookstore


"Do you have any books on Shakespeare?"


"Yes, we do, is there any one you are especially interested in?"


"Uh..... William?"

[Von Due]

Man Utd

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

[Catfish]

Man Utd
This was mean.
:haha:

[Jimbuna]

Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?

A: Gifted.

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A maybe.

[Jimbuna]

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu—you get what you deserve.

[Jimbuna]

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?

I don't know, and I don't really care.

[Platapus]

Most chairs are satin

[magic452]

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."
Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."
"Wow! How come ?”remarked Dolly.
"Very simple solution... I don't sign the check!"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A Mississippi.

[Jimbuna]

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?

Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

[Jimbuna]

A man and woman who had never met before and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and a bit uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman to say, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied "Get your own fricking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[Jimbuna]

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[Jimbuna]

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" That moment, I felt so special. She then asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[Jimbuna]

A guy is driving along with his friend, and he goes right through a red light. His friend says, "What are you doing?", and he replies, "Never mind, will you? My brother drives like this."

He goes a little bit further, comes to another red light and goes right through it. "What are you doing?" "I told you, will you stop it, my brother drives like this!"

Then further down the road, he comes to a green light and stops. His friend is confused. "What are you doing now?!", and he replies, "Well, my brother might be coming the other way."

[Jimbuna]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring intently at him.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[magic452]

A small town police chief decides he has to hire an officer so he puts an ad in the town newspaper. Gomer, one of the boys from the pool hall, decides he will apply and goes for an interview. The Chief asks him "How much is 1 and 1?" Gomer pauses and answers, "Eleven". The Chief thinks that maybe he should have been specific and asked "1 plus 1", so he tells Gomer to name the days of the week that begin with "T". After a little longer pause he answers, "today and tomorrow." The Chief can't decide if Gomer is clueless or just has an ability to think outside the box so he asks him, "Who killed John F. Kennedy?" Gomer takes a while and finally says that he doesn't know. That decides it for the Chief so he sends Gomer home. When Gomer gets back to the pool hall they ask him how the interview went and Gomer replies, "Great, I answered the questions and now the Chief gave me a murder case to solve!"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

One day; while walking to his car - comrade Krushchev comes upon his driver, eating grass.

"What are you doing?" "Don't you have any food to eat?" "I pay you a monthly salary!"

The driver responds; "Comrade Krushchev, i can barely feed my family with that money. Please! I'm begging you, can i have a promotion?"

Comrade Krushchev obliges.

Later in the evening; Stalin's driver sees Krushchev's driver buying drinks for everyone at the local bar.

After hearing the story; Stalin's driver tries the same thing.

After his superior sees him eating grass; Comrade Stalin demands to know what he is doing.

"Comrade Stalin, please; i can't afford to even feed my family with the wage you pay me!"

Comrade Stalin responds. "Well, for goodness sake then; don't be so greedy! Save some of my lawn for your family!"

[Jimbuna]

There's a bar on the 90th floor of the Empire State Building
A regular at the bar was chatting with some tourists...

Regular: you know, there's a secret about this building. If you jump out this window, there's an updraft at the 80th story that will bring you right back into this bar.

Tourist: Really?

Regular: Watch me

the regular jumps out the window and drops from 90 to 85...80...and he flies right back up into the window.

Tourist: That was so cool!

Regular: you try it

Tourist: Okay

the tourist nervously jumps out the window and drops form 90 to 85...80...60...and he falls to his death.

Bartender: You know, you can be a real a$$hole when you've been drinking, Superman!

[Jimbuna]

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.

Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.

[Jeff-Groves]

The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.

So, he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what
about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.

“What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough, we actually send them to the IRS.”

“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And, about once a year, they send us a little ^#(*% like you.”

[Jimbuna]

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.
He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this subject?"

The shoeshine man replies:
"I have 20 million dollars deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market."

The CEO of the bank asks:
"What is your name?"

He replies:
"John Smith H."

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department:
"Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?"

He replies:
"We certainly do, sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has 20 million dollars in his account."

The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says:
"Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I'm sure we will have a lot to learn from you."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members:
"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with twenty million dollars in his account.

I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I'm sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story."

Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story:
"I came to this country thirty years ago as a young immigrant from Eastern Europe and with an unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket.

The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith.

I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success.

Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples.

I had two options: eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money.

When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes.

I didn't spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive.

I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele.

I lived like a monk and saved every penny. I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers.

I didn't spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny.

A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine.

Finally, 3 months ago, my drug dealer brother passed away and left me 20 million dollars.

[Jeff-Groves]

Little Johnny's Mother decided he should attend Church.
Johnny was so taken with the holy spirit that when they came home, Johnny clasped the bible and began preaching the word to the family cat.
Mother was thrilled.
After a few hours of relentless sermons there was silence.
Mom decided to check... and found Johnny holding the cat in a bucket of water!
"JOHNNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" exclaimed the Mom.
Johnny replied, "I am baptizing him"

Mother exclaimed "But cats don't like the water!"

Johnny replied "Well then, he shouldn't have joined my church!"

[Jimbuna]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastid used coins!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[Jimbuna]

After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..
When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn’t necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..

At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, it said “old man with glasses”.

[Jimbuna]

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)
It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!'

Her next announcement came six hours later.

'Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available'.

Moral of the story: People who like to drink, have very kind hearts.

[Jimbuna]

Why is the book so thick?

Long story

[Jimbuna]

I bought a new toilet brush recently…

…long story short, I’m switching back to toilet paper

[Jimbuna]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".
Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school some 25-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him,
however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth,
I asked him if he had attended the same school as mine..

"Yes. yes, I did.'
he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1987.
Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!!!!",
I happily exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, idiot, asked,

"What subject did you teach" ?"

[Jimbuna]

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen…

I can feel it.

[Jimbuna]

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . .

[Platapus]

I saw this really long snake.


It must have been 3.14 meters long


I think it was a Pi-thon

[Jimbuna]

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third friend was just plain stupid.

On the first night of the hunting trip, the first friend says he's going to go out and try to catch dinner. The two others agree and wait for their friend to return. About an hour later he does dragging a huge elk behind him.

The two friends are astounded at the elk he brought back.

"How'd you do it?" Friends two and three asked together.

The first friend smirks a little and says.

"Followed the tracks, followed the tracks, and I found the elk."

Friends two and three compliment the first friend, dress and cook the deer, and go to bed with full bellies.

The next evening the second friend says he'll be going out to catch dinner. Friends one and three agree. Four hours pass before the second friend returns with a decent size buck. Friends one and three are impressed by the deer.

"How'd you do it?" They ask him.

Friend two shrugs and simply says.

"Followed the tracks, followed the tracks, found the deer."

The friends go to bed with full bellies yet again.

The next evening the third friend declares he will go out on the hunt for food. Friends one and two agree on this, and friend three walks into the woods with his gun. A whole night and day pass and the two friends are getting worried.

They're just about to go and find a park ranger when they hear someone approaching from the woods. Out of the foliage limps the third friend. He looks like hell, scratches, and bruises litter his body. His nose looks broken, and his leg is bent awkwardly.

The first two friends are aghast at his state. They rush over to him and help him over to the fire.

"What happened to you?" They both ask.

The third friend sighs heavily and slumps as he sits down.

"I followed the tracks, I followed the tracks and I got hit by a bloody train!"

[Jimbuna]

A tramp walks into a home decorating shop.
The guy behind the counter greets him

"morning, what can I do for you today?"

"2 bottles of methylated spirits please!"

The guy has seen this before "no way buddy, I know your game, you're gonna drink em, it'll kill ya I won't have any part of that... Sorry"

The tramp with tears in his eyes goes on to explain
"sorry its not what it looks like, I've got this painting job to do and my brushes need cleaning... with the money I'll earn I can get into a shelter and reconnect with my estranged family and start to rebuild my life again".

The guy behind the desk is genuinely moved by this mans story and decides to help him out.

"I'm sorry man, good on you I hope you make your dreams come true... here ya go 2 bottles that's 3 pounds"

The tramp thanks the man, pays him and picks up a bottle in each hand and then pauses for a second and says..

"have ya a couple of *cold* ones by chance?"

[Jimbuna]

I know the manager of a car dealership who was trying to get a personal car started on and off for years. (Had it sitting in the back of the company workshop)

One night they got broken into and upon looking at the footage it was a group of young people. The cars were gone.

He went straight to the police and asked for their names (because they caught them trashing the cars down the road later that night).

"Oh mate we can't really give their names out for protection reasons."

He looks this cop in the eye and goes "I don't want to hurt them. I want to give them a job! My mechanics haven't been able to get that car running for years!"

[Jimbuna]

An retired elderly couple visit London..
They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The husband turns to his wife and says louder "the cab driver asked us where we were from, I told him South Africa!"

The cabbie continues "I was in the merchant navy years back... I got to drop anchor down your way, a few times in Johannesburg"

The husband replies "oh wow that's where we're from originally, now we're in Cape Town."

The wife asks the husband again "what did he say?".

The husband again relays the unheard conversation "the cab driver says he spent some time in the navy and went down to joberg".

The wife smiles and nods.

The cab driver feels compelled to flesh the story out, as its just the husband he's talking to.

"yeah I remember that last shore leave in Johannesburg, me and the lads gagging for some action, end up in a dive bar and met this girl, we got a room and she was the the worst woman in bed I've ever had!"

The wife says "what did he say?".

Husband "the cab driver he says he might know you!"

[mapuc]

The Germans have started hoarding - It's especially cheese and sausages - They call it the Wurst Käse scenario :D

Markus

[Jimbuna]

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if stay here the night until the mechanic can come by to pick it up?"

The old man responds, "Oh I am so sorry to hear about your problem! Of course you can stay here for the night, but there is only one condition, you may not sleep with my daughter. If you do, you will face the three chinese tortures!"

The man is a little confused but he agrees thinking to himself, "why on earth does he think I would sleep with his daughter?" Sure enough he meets the daughter and is taken aback by her beauty. After the old man treats the guy to a wonderful dinner, he leads him upstairs to the 3rd floor bedroom where he will stay for the night. The whole time the guy can't get the daughter out of his mind. He tosses and turns, trying to fall asleep, but just can't do it knowing the most beautiful woman he's ever met is down just down the hall. He eventually caves in saying to himself, "how bad could these chinese tortures really be?" Walks down the hall and ends up having the craziest sex of his life with the farmer's daughter. He sneaks back into his room and falls asleep satisfied for the rest of the night.

The man wakes up in the morning with a huge boulder sitting on his chest, barely able to breathe, and says aloud, "what the hell is this? what's going on??"

The old chinese man walks in and says, "chinese torture number one, giant boulder on chest."

The guy is able to sit up, carry the boulder to the window and throw it out the 3rd story window. Just then the old man says, "chinese torture number two, left testicle tied to boulder."

In a panic the guy jumps out the window with the boulder. The old chinese man walks over to the window, leans out and says, "chinese torture number three, right testicle tied to bed post."

[Jimbuna]

"How did it happen? " the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago... "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine. "Are you sure? " she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you??? " she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!? "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof! "

[Platapus]

My mother told me that when I grew up I could be anyone I wanted to be.


Evidently, the police consider that Identity Theft. :oops:

[magic452]

Little Susie asks her second grade teacher if a whale could swallow a person and the teacher explained that while a whale's mouth is very large, its throat is narrow so it could not swallow a person. Susie tells the teacher that she learned in Sunday School that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher, a little annoyed, says, "I just explained to you why that's not possible." Susie replies, "When I get to heaven I'm going to ask Jonah." .The teacher laughs and says, "Suppose Jonah went to hell?" "Then you ask him." Susie answers.


Magic

[Platapus]

Where are baby ghosts during the day?


At a day-scare facility

[Jimbuna]

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all made love to it .

Journalist : We can't share this story on Tv can you please give us another story ?

Old man : Okay no problem , one time the goat of my neighboor got lost and all the village went out to search for it and when we found it we were so happy we all made love to it .

Journalist : Listen old man these stories are too shocking for us to put them on tv .Can you share a story without any animal please ?

the old man scratches his head and think for a moment then says : one time our neighbour maria got lost and all the village went out to search for her and when we found her we were so happy we all made love to her .

The journalist visibly annoyed by the old man stories shout : Old man can you tell us a sad story from your youth ?

The old man sighs and his eyes are watery and says : one time I got lost ....

[Jimbuna]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Catfish]

"I know what happens after you die."
"Oh i am so excited, tell me!"
"You hospital bed will be given to someone else."

[Jimbuna]

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell.

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got here?”

The man sighed, “I was eating a delicious burrito when I choked. No one was with me and I suffocated.”

“Killed by a burrito!” The Devil roared, flipping his desk, “What an unjust way to go. Did you at least go out eating a super sized one?!”

“No, just a regular size.” The man replied sadly, hanging his head in shame.

“This is even worse!” The Devil cried.

“What can you do about it?” The man replied sadly.

The Devil thought for a moment, before stating, “I will send you back. I’m not having you end your life on a sacred Mexican dish. Go back to Earth and continue your delightful life! Eat more Mexican until the toilet bowl quivers at your approach.”

With a clap of his hands the Devil sent the man back to Earth.

After a few minutes another person appeared, this time a woman. She looked at the Devil and sighed.

“Damn,” she said.

“What happened my dear?” The Devil replied, offering her a glass of sparkling water.

“I was trying to be environmentally conscious with a metal straw instead of plastic.”

“Good for you!” The Devil nodded, “We have just recently pledged to go 100% renewable in Hell. Slave labour is an underrated renewable asset you know.”

The woman gave a reluctant nod in agreement.

“Sorry to interrupt,” the Devil said, “continue please”

“Well,” the woman said, “I was walking with my drink when I slipped. I fell forwards and the metal straw landed up and skewered me straight through my eyeball and brain.”

The Devil promptly threw up.

“My golly goodness,” the Devil groaned, wiping vomit off his chest, “this is a travesty. Helping the planet and you get turned into a human kebab.”

The Devil stroked his horns, thinking.

“I’m feeling good today,” he said, “You my dear can go back to your life!”

The woman cheered in joy, showering the Devil with praise.

“Oh stop it you,” the Devil said cheekily, “just promise you’ll stick to plastic straws. Screw the turtles and save your eyes.”

He clapped his hands and the woman disappeared in a puff of smoke.

A few minutes passed before a third person appeared.

He was different from the others. It was his eyes, they were lifeless, as if all the soul had been sucked from them.

“Hello my friend,” the Devil said cheerfully, offering him some bread sticks.

The man stood gloomily, accepting the food.

“How did you get here?” The Devil asked, eager for some conversation.

“I was at my computer working,” the man said, “I’d been working for endless hours doing a thankless job. I stood up and tripped over a power cord. I must have fallen badly and broken my neck because here I am.”

The Devil threw his hands in the air, “This will not do! You were simply pouring your heart and soul doing your job and died in the process.”

The man shrugged.

The Devil summoned a cup of tea from one of his minions to calm his emotions.

The Devil smiled, sipping his tea, “My friend, I am feeling generous today. I am going to send you back to your life! What do you say to that!”

The man looked around at the swirling pools of lava behind the Devil. The sound of wailing souls echoed around abyss.

“I think I’ll stay in Hell,” the man replied.

The Devil spat out his tea.

“I’m sorry what?” The Devil, wiping his mouth.

“I’d like to stay,” the man repeated.

The Devil was still dumbfounded, before he finally managed to recompose himself.

“Fine mortal, continue down the path to get your orientation pack from the information kiosk. Be up early tomorrow for lava swimming at 7am and then at lunch we’re streaming the final season of Game of Thrones.”

The man nodded and went to walk past the Devil.

“I’m sorry, I have to know,” the Devil said, holding up his hand, “What ridiculous job did you have that makes you want to stay here?”

The man looked up at the Devil, his eyes empty and replied,

“I was a Reddit moderator”

[Jimbuna]

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings.
As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his other siblings to have a chance at higher education.

His hard work, dedication and skill with tools led him to be hired by a small local repair shop. There he learnt to repair almost every electric equipment under the sun. The shop owner was so impressed at his ability to learn different trades, that he even sponsored Jack to attend a few courses.

However, being a small shop, the owner couldn’t afford to pay him a large salary. Jack was used to being frugal by now and saved whatever money he had to be used for his sibling’s education. His only luxury was eating naan at an Indian restaurant only a monthly basis.

Realising that he could save a lot more if he cooked the naan himself, Jack bought himself a hot cast skillet, looked up a few recipes and began cooking. He tried and tried, altering the recipe and cooking method ever so slightly until he finally found the perfect naan recipe.

Jack first let his siblings try the naan he cooked, then slowly began selling them to his neighbours. Seeing a market for his naan, he opened up a small store by the road side and sold naan.

His naan business flourished. He soon earned enough to send his siblings to university and open up a small shop by himself. There were many blunders and mistakes made when he first managed his own restaurant, but once he got the hang of it, he had enough money to open more and more outlets. He soon had 25 outlets nationwide.

His rags to riches story drew the attention of media. When asked on his success, Jack grinned from ear to ear and replied “I’m Jack of all trades, master of naan”.

[Jimbuna]

An ichthyology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How are the studies going?" the bartender asks. "Really great. In fact, right now I'm working on my thesis to explain why koi fish always swim in groups of four," the student replies. "Why do they do that?" the bartender asks. "Well, in the wild, if a group of four koi are attacked by a predator, the odds are good that let's say the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi will all escape to reproduce and live another day," the student says. "Because the predator will always go for the D koi."

[Jimbuna]

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...
When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."


Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"


The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"

[Jimbuna]

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at a dinosaur boner. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the boner is?"

The guard replies, "He is 80,000,011 years old, and still stiff."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know his age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, his boner was eighty million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

[Jimbuna]

A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar,

She says,


"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"


The Russian replies,


"I work for KGB."


"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"


"About me or about you?"

[Jimbuna]

A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I was at a friend’s house.” “Doing what?” asks the father. “Watching a movie, Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, it was porn!” cries the son. The father yells, “What? When I was your age, I didn’t know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.

[Jimbuna]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

..... HE WON !!

[Jimbuna]

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Farmer McKellen would cut the tall blades and put it in the cart pulled by Star. When the cart was full, they would go to the large stones at the edge of the farm. William would spread the grass out on the stones to dry into straw. It always seemed to work better than hanging it up.

After the previous day’s grass was then bundled together and put into the cart, the two would head home. Star would be put into her stable, with fresh hay and an apple. Farmer McKellen would then have a light dinner and put out a saucer of milk for the feyfolk, as was the custom of the time. Then he would go to bed.

One day, the good farmer forgot to put out the saucer of milk. Most of the wee folk understood, but one haughty pixie - Bubblebrook, by name - took great offense. He set out to get revenge on William. That night, the pixie snuck into the barn and turned Star to stone.

The next morn, Farmer McKellen went to the stable and saw what had happened to his loyal companion. He wept for a time but then steeled his nerve.

All day, William toiled in the field, cutting fresh grass. He would return to the barn, hoping his dear Star would be turned back to flesh, but it did not happen.

In the afternoon, the farmer determined he would include his dear horse in his day. He dragged her - inch by inch - to the edge of the farm, placing her among the boulders. Then he gathered the grass he’d cut that day and took them to her side. Slowly and sadly, he placed the grass on her stony back to dry.

The next day, William returned to the edge of the property. Sure enough, the grass had dried just as well as if it had been on the boulders.

With tears in his eyes, Farmer McKellen smiled and said to his horse: “Hay now. You’re a rock, Star.”

[Von Due]

Putin and Sergey Dronov were standing on top of the Shukov tower and Putin said he wanted to put a smile on people's faces. Dronov said "why don't you jump?"

[Platapus]

My wife yelled at me "You aren't listening to me!"


I thought that was a odd way to start a conversation.

[Jimbuna]

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....
From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.

[Aktungbby]

My mama always told me "work like a dog 'till your bank account looks like a phone number!" Well I did it....$9.11 :O:

[Jimbuna]

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"
The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the horse and we continued our riding, after a while her horse again throw her off, she got up calmly cleared the dust and facing the horse said "that's two" and got back on the horse and we continued our ride, and both times i was amazed by how calm and peaceful my wife is, after a while her horse again for ive 3rd time throw her off, my wife calmly got up cleared the dust off of her dress, grabbed the shotgun and shot ive horse in the face, i, shocked by what ive seen started yelling at her calling her crazy and insane, my wife however kept looking at me calmly, once i finished she said "that's one" ."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde and a brunette are watching the evening news...

When a story comes on with a video of a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The brunette says, "I'll bet you $20 he jumps." The blonde replies, "I'll take that action!"

After watching for 5 minutes or so the man jumps from the bridge and the blonde reluctantly gives $20 to the brunette.

The brunette hands the $20 back to the blonde and says, " I have to confess, this was on the afternoon news so I already knew he was going to jump. Here, you can have your money back."

The blonde replies, "I know, I saw this on the afternoon news as well but I didn't think this guy was dumb enough to jump twice."

[Jimbuna]

Before calling the police to tell them you have a Kangaroo in your garden make sure it’s not the next door neighbors’ greyhound taking a dump.

[Jimbuna]

Question: What do you call a cat who is a sexually depraved?

Answer A Purrvert

[Jimbuna]

When I was a kid I could go to the shop with £1 and get crisps, chewing gums, ice-cream, and a fizzy drink. Nowadays they have CCTV everywhere.

[Jimbuna]

Accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick. She’s still not talking to me.

[Jimbuna]

What if slugs are just divorced snails?

[Commander Wallace]

A blonde and a brunette are watching the evening news...

When a story comes on with a video of a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The brunette says, "I'll bet you $20 he jumps." The blonde replies, "I'll take that action!"

After watching for 5 minutes or so the man jumps from the bridge and the blonde reluctantly gives $20 to the brunette.

The brunette hands the $20 back to the blonde and says, " I have to confess, this was on the afternoon news so I already knew he was going to jump. Here, you can have your money back."

The blonde replies, "I know, I saw this on the afternoon news as well but I didn't think this guy was dumb enough to jump twice."


:haha:

[Commander Wallace]

My wife yelled at me "You aren't listening to me!"


I thought that was a odd way to start a conversation.


I was at a friends dinner party. In attendance was his favorite aunt and uncle. They were quietly arguing back and forth. In frustration, the aunt left the room. The uncle turned to me and said, " I can't wait till I get hearing aids so I can turn them off and not have to listen to dumb things. :haha: