The joke thread II

[Platapus]

My doctor asked me if alcoholics ran in my family.


I told her, "No, they usually just stumble and bump into things"

[Jimbuna]

My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I had it.

[Jeff-Groves]

Helicopter nicknames
USAF: Birds
USA: Choppers
USN: Helos
USMC: (pointing at the sky) OHH! OHH OHOH!

[Jimbuna]

To the handicapped guy who stole my bag - You can hide but you can't run.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: Bad news, you have terminal cancer and alzheimer's.

Patient: That's not so bad, I could have had cancer!

[Catfish]

"Darling, do you think i gained weight during the quarantine?"

"To be true, you never were slim."

Time of death: 20:51 o'clock.
Cause of death: Corona.

[Jimbuna]

Dentist: "You need a crown."

Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"

[Jimbuna]

A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”

The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.”

[Jimbuna]

Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?" - The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"

[Jimbuna]

“Waiter, the steak smells very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between spinach and boogers?

Kids don’t eat spinach.

[Jimbuna]

A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”

[Jimbuna]

Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.

After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was mocking the other one.

[Jimbuna]

Two friends are talking:

My doctor told me I must stop playing football.

What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?

Not really. But he did see me playing.

[Jimbuna]

Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"

[Texas Red]

Son: “Dad, what was your favorite day as a soldier?”
Dad: “The first time I sent some private to find batteries for the chem lights.”

[Jimbuna]

Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit painful.”

Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”

The dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an affair with your wife.”

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?

Patient: What condition?

[Jimbuna]

A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”

The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”

The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”

[Jimbuna]

Wife, “Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t that great?”

Husband, “Oh darling, that is simply wonderful!!!”

Wife, “I’m so happy you react that way! I did tell my mom you won’t mind her moving in!”

[Platapus]

Cat puns freak meowt
I'm not kitten

[Platapus]

Yesterday, I had to put my cat down


She was really heavy and my arm started to get tired.

[Jimbuna]

Years ago, I threw away a boomerang really hard.

I’ve lived in constant fear since.

[Jimbuna]

I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now for weeks.

Problem is, I’ve no idea what she looks like now.

[Texas Red]

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for thirty seconds though, and only once

[Catfish]

^ So mean :haha:


"My Twins are six months now. Never been vaccinated and never been sick!"

If you're looking for faster results you can always let the car seats unbuckled while driving.

[Jimbuna]

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”

“Yeah!”

“Are you hurt?”

“No!”

“Not a scratch? How come?!“

“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

[Jimbuna]

Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.

Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

[Jimbuna]

Where do we get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

[Platapus]

Did you ever think that our farts may be just the ghosts of the animals we eat, escaping?

[Jimbuna]

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay £855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

[Jimbuna]

99,8% people have problems with math.

I’m glad I’m in the remaining 1%

[Jimbuna]

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

[Jimbuna]

Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?"

"Go away! I'm crapping!"

[Catfish]

Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and encounters a wolf.
Wolf: "Now i'll eat you, but, being a gentlewolf, i will grant you three last wishes!"
Rotkaeppchen: "Oh big black wolf, please make love to me.."
The Wolf does not break his promise, and, quite exhausted, he asks for the second wish.
Rotkaeppchen: "Oh big black wolf, please make love to me once more..".
So the wolf gives in and repeats what he did, then lying on the ground and panting, he asks for her last wish.
Rotkaeppchen: "Oh big black wolf, this was so nice, please make love to me a third time..".
So the wolf tries, but breaks down and dies on the spot.
From the copse the huntsman emerges, and reprimands: "Shame on you Rotkaeppchen, this was the fourth wolf this week!"

[Jimbuna]

Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

[Jimbuna]

A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

[Jimbuna]

I have to eat an earth worm every day so I don’t die. I’m very grateful to my brother for pointing this out to me 30 years ago when we were little.

[Jimbuna]

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs.

[Jimbuna]

A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.

“Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.

“Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the ticket office!”

[Jimbuna]

Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

[Jimbuna]

“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”

“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”

“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

[Jimbuna]

Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”

“And what do you expect for the price? A ballet?!”

[Texas Red]

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

[Jimbuna]

On a first date:

Man: “When I see your smile I wish we could see each other more often.”

Woman: “Oh, you’re so charming, George…”

Man: “Not really, I’m a dentist.”

[Jimbuna]

A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken?"

[Platapus]

Is it just me?


I always thought that Gonorrhea would have been a good name for an anti-diarrhea drug.

[Jimbuna]

The inventor of Auto Correct is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.

[Jimbuna]

Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student exchange!”

[Jimbuna]

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”

“Oh is she an alcoholic?”

“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

[Jimbuna]

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

[Jimbuna]

Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.

Mother: "No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

[Jimbuna]

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

And more importantly, where is my hamster?

[Jimbuna]

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

[Jimbuna]

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

“And smart, too!”

[Jimbuna]

Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?

To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"

"What is the problem?"

"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

[Platapus]

What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?


The location of the dirtbag.

[Jimbuna]

How do you know the ocean greets you?

It waves.

[Jimbuna]

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

[Jimbuna]

I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my dog" for me…

[Jimbuna]

My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

[Jimbuna]

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

[Jimbuna]

I received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had “Final Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They won’t be bothering me anymore.

[Jimbuna]

Paul: “I’ve got problems with mathematics.”

Michael: “Me too.”

Eric: “Yeah, that makes four of us.”

[Jimbuna]

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 pounds.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

[Jimbuna]

A doctor asks his patient angrily, “Why did you send my bill back, unopened, Mr. Gunrick?”

Mr Gunrick explains, “But doctor, it was you who told me I must avoid any upsets and stress!”

[Jimbuna]

A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”

The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”

[magic452]

A doctor asks his patient angrily, “Why did you send my bill back, unopened, Mr. Gunrick?”

Mr Gunrick explains, “But doctor, it was you who told me I must avoid any upsets and stress!”


A true story.
Many years ago I was having a lot of dental work done and the bills were pretty big.


When the Doctor sent a bill to me it came with a very small return envelope.
You had to fold a check in thirds to fit in it.


The next time he sent me a bill I went to the store and found some

small play money that just fit the envelope. I sent it to him.
The next time I saw that dentist that play money was attached to my chart. :up::haha:


Magic

[Jimbuna]

How many gorillas can fit into a car?

Eight.

How many chickens can fit into the car?

None, the car is already full of gorillas.

[GoldenRivet]

A true story.
Many years ago I was having a lot of dental work done and the bills were pretty big.


When the Doctor sent a bill to me it came with a very small return envelope.
You had to fold a check in thirds to fit in it.


The next time he sent me a bill I went to the store and found some

small play money that just fit the envelope. I sent it to him.
The next time I saw that dentist that play money was attached to my chart. :up::haha:


Magic

I went to a new dentist, they give you a patient info packet to fill out with all the standard questions. i filled it out and gave it to the lady at the desk, she was entering my information into the computer and i heard her start laughing.

on the question "What is the reason for your visit today?"

i had written "My wife told me i had to, so i dont have any choice!"

[Jimbuna]

She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…

He: Just call in sick then.

[magic452]

While we're on the subject.

Years ago I was refinancing my home.
The finance co. wanted to know about a nearly $15,000.00 deposit in my bank account. It was just that I received payment for a lot of invoices that week.

So I typed out an official looking letter with all the appropriate headings, etc.
It said that the funds were from a small but profitable drug deal that I snuck past the DEA. :yeah:

She cracked up and than showed the letter to everybody in the office. :D

Magic

[Jimbuna]

Everybody knows 40 is the new 30, right? But the police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.

[Jimbuna]

Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”

Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce tops!”

[Eisenwurst]

"I see", said the blind man.

As he peed into the wind.

"It's all coming back to me".

[Jimbuna]

I’ve always thought my neighbours were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

[Jimbuna]

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a typo on a tombstone?

A grave mistake.

[Jimbuna]

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”

The other voice goes: “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”

[Eisenwurst]

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

Beacause she's too big for B shells.

[Jimbuna]

My friend boasted he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain where Buddha actually comes from.

[Jimbuna]

Why is it a bad idea to insult an octopus?

Because it is well armed.

[Jimbuna]

Man to his wife: “Do you know what our 6 year old son wants to be once he’s big?”

Wife: “No.”

Man: “A garbage man. And you know why?”

Wife: “No, why?”

Man: “Because he thinks they only work on Tuesdays.”

[Jimbuna]

In a boutique:

Could I try the dress in the shop window, please?

I’m sorry madam but no. We have cabins for that.

[Eisenwurst]

what do you call a guy that's half Indian?

Ian.

[Jimbuna]

Hello doctor, can you look at my laptop?

Why?

It looks like it caught a virus.

[Jimbuna]

The local minister sees that every morning, some apples on his tree are missing. He makes a sign:

God sees everything.

The next morning, somebody writes under it: Yes, but he’s not a snitch.

[Jimbuna]

Q: How many times could old Noah go fishing?

A: Only twice. He only had 2 worms.

[Platapus]

When my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos


I think she really appreciates having a shoulder to crayon.

[Platapus]

How far can a dog run into the woods?


Exactly half way, then he starts running out of the woods

[Jimbuna]

What did one candle say to the other?

A: I'll be going out tonight.

[Jimbuna]

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.

"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway."

"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

[Jimbuna]

Two clairvoyants meet. One says to the other: “You are fine, and how am I?

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "OK class, who will give me the chemical formula for water?"

Pupil: "HIJKLMNO."

Teacher: "What on earth are you on about?"

Pupil: "Well you said yourself yesterday it was H to O!"

[Jimbuna]

An employee complains to his boss, “Sorry boss, but the salary doesn’t even remotely match the effort I put into my work.”

Boss nods, “I know, but we can’t let you starve to death.”

[Jimbuna]

What should you do when you see a spaceman?

You just park in it, man.

[magic452]

There was a recent survey of how women felt about their asses.

10% thought theirs was too skinny,

30% thought theirs was too fat and

60% said he was a good man and they loved him anyway.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

On a train:

“Madam, could you please tell your son to stop imitating me, it’s very annoying!”

“I’m so sorry… Harry! Stop acting stupid!”

[Jimbuna]

Husband approaches his wife, “Jenny, I think I have a problem.”

Jenny smiles at him kindly, “Darling, your problems are my problem also. Trouble shared is trouble halved. Tell me.”

“OK, “ says the husband, “in that case, we got the neighbor pregnant.”

[Jimbuna]

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand disinfectant. The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand disinfectant anymore.

[Jimbuna]

Kamikaze pilot instructor:

“OK, listen up, and listen up closely. I don’t want to have to repeat myself to you again tomorrow!”

[Jimbuna]

A nurse says to a new father, “Your baby is very pretty.”

The father looks pleased, “Really? Come on, don’t you say this to everybody?”

The nurse shakes her head, “No, of course not.”

The father wonders, “So what do you say if the baby’s ugly?”

The nurse smiles, “Then I say the baby really takes after its father.”

[Texas Red]

I had a nightmare that my Tik Tok account got banned.

For a second, I was really scared that I had Tik Tok.

[Jimbuna]

What does a cannibal say to the waiter in a restaurant on a cruise ship?

“Please bring me the passenger list.”

[Jimbuna]

My grandpa came back from the war with one leg.

We still don’t know whose leg it is.

[Texas Red]

Four friends were sitting in a bar together having drinks when the topic of their sons comes up.
Friend #4 leaves to go to the restroom so the other friends talk about their sons.
Friend #1 says, “My son is super successful, he is the CFO of a large shipping company, and he was just given a free private jet.”
Friend #2 and #3 are wowed, but both think they have better sons.
Friend #2 says, “My son is even more successful. He is a pro athlete that makes billions of dollars yearly, and he was given a free home that only the 1% have!!”
Friend 3# still thinks he had a better son and retorts, “My son is even better. He is the Press Secretary at the White House, and he was just given a free super yacht with its own submarine!” Both friends realize they need a tiebreaker, so they wait for Friend #4 to come back.
Friend #4 comes back and Friend #3 asks, “How successful is your son?”
Friend #4 says, “My son is gay…”
The rest of the friends try to contain their laughs, but are quickly stopped when Friend #4 finishes by saying:
“He also just gave his 3 boyfriends a private jet, a luxurious house, and a super yacht with a submarine. He is such a caring son.”

[Jimbuna]

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

[Platapus]

People who tell "dad jokes" who are not fathers are committing a faux-pa

[Catfish]

^ :O:

[Eisenwurst]

Why was the Egyptian kid confused?

'Cause his Daddy was a Mummy.

[Jimbuna]

Paula: “Am I your dream woman?”

John: “You are much more than that…”

Paula:(giggles) “How much more?”

John: “About 40 pounds.“

[Jimbuna]

A guy runs with a machine gun into his wife’s chess club and yells: “Which of you nerdy scabs slept with my wife?”

A chees player looks up: “You know man, I don’t think your magazine will be enough.”

[Eisenwurst]

Why do birds tweet?

They don't like Facebook.

[Jimbuna]

It really makes me mad when I hear idiots saying that women belong in the kitchen. Such crap. Who would clean the rest of the house?!

[Jimbuna]

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!

[Jimbuna]

I had a few drinks after work, so I decided to take the bus home rather than my car, you know, like they say on the billboards. I don’t know what idiot thought of that. I bet that even sober, a bus is a beast to drive!“

[Jimbuna]

Father looks at his teenage son, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

[Jimbuna]

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

[magic452]

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
"In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

[Jimbuna]

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Platapus]

Who was Robin Hood's dad?


Fatherhood

[Jimbuna]

A patient talks to his doctor, “I really can't decide between having this operation or facing certain death without it…”

The doctor tries to help, “You know, with a bit of luck, you could have both.”

[Jimbuna]

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, “Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die...”

[Jimbuna]

I want a divorce!

But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?

Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.

[Jeff-Groves]

Did you hear the one about the old Marine veteran who asked the
Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq?

Of course the Commandant refused, and told the old Marine he had served
his time in combat and should relax and enjoy his golden years.

The 'ole Gunny wasn't at all pleased, so he wrote the Secretary of the
Navy with the same request. Back came the reply for him to enjoy his
golden years, because Iraq was a young Marine's war and there was no
place for him.

That really ****ed him off, so he wrote his congressman a long, heart
wrenching letter explaining in great detail just why he felt he should
be returned to active duty.

Back came the reply almost word for word, the same as the SecNav
response.......

The 'ole Gunny was livid.
He went down to the beach in Norfolk, VA and bought a rowboat, and
vowing to get to Iraq one way or the other, he set out rowing his boat
and singing the Marine Hymn...." From the Halls of Montezuma to the
shores of Tripoli "
........... and off he rowed for Iraq

Saint Peter had been watching this grizzled 'ole Gunny all the while,
and was at first amused by it all but had grown increasingly concerned
as the Gunny displayed his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter
finally turned to God for advice on how to deal with this Gung Ho Gunny.

After hearing the saga unfold, God advised Saint Peter to be merciful
and take the Gunny's brain, since that was the center of thought, and he
would simply abandon the idea about getting to Iraq.

Now, having taken God's advice and removing the Gunny's brain, St.
Peter observed little if any change in the Gunny's behavior. He
continued to row his boat and sing at the top of his voice "From the
Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli , we will ".......

A little frustrated at the lack of results of his efforts, St. Peter
turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?"

God said, "Well OK, take his heart, because not even a Marine can
function without a heart. So, that should end it."

But when St. Peter had completed his task, and removed the Gunny's
heart, he was again amazed that little if any change could be observed
in the Gunny's behavior as he continued to row his boat and sing "From
the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, we will fight our
country's battles...."
at-the-top-of-his-voice.

Once again, St. Peter asked God for assistance with this unusual
situation for which there seemed to be no solution.

This time God responded by suggesting that St. Peter should remove the
Marine's testicles, since it's a well known fact that Marines can't
function without their testicles. Otherwise, what would be the reason
for Marines having the world wide reputation of having the balls to do
the impossible?

Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the
'ole Gunny's balls.

Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains
and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing,

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."

[Jimbuna]

Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.

That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.

[Jimbuna]

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.

There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: I understand.

Patient: Understand what?

[Catfish]

Did you hear the one about the old Marine veteran who asked the Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq? [...] "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."
:rotfl2::rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.

I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died.

I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

[Jimbuna]

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”

She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

[Platapus]

I received a letter from the IRS telling me that my tax return was outstanding


While I appreciated the complement, to be honest, I can't remember even sending my return to the IRS this year.

[Jimbuna]

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Awesome movie, what disturbed me a little though was my wife constantly taking notes.

[Platapus]

I got into a bit of trouble


I was in the elevator when this "well endowed" lady came in. My attention was ... focused.


Then she said "Please press one".......

[Jimbuna]

Girlfriend and boyfriend are strolling through the city of Paris. Suddenly he sees a shooting star.

Boyfriend: “Look, a shooting star! Make a wish!”

Girlfriend: “I want to marry you!”

Boyfriend: “Huh, maybe it was just lightning.”

[Jimbuna]

Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert?

"Yes, the red wire."

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: “You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!”

Patient: “And that’s what I did. And it wasn’t easy because up until now I didn’t smoke at all!”

[Jimbuna]

Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?

First of all, don't give him anything to drink.

[Jimbuna]

Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.

[Jimbuna]

What is black and sticks to a tree?

A peeping tom after a forest fire.

[Commander Wallace]

I walked in the front door and my wife asked why I came home half drunk. I replied, I ran out of money.



When I read of the terrible dangers associated with excessive drinking, I gave up reading.

[Jimbuna]

One man's trash is another man's treasure...

(Maybe this wasn’t the ideal way of telling our daughter that she was adopted…)

[Jimbuna]

“Do you have Valentines cards that say something like “You’re my only one?”

Sure thing.

Wonderful! I’ll take 8 of those please.

[Jimbuna]

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious. I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

[Jimbuna]

A mom tells her son a joke; the son is embarrassed and says: "Mom, please don't tell any more jokes. You really can't make them."

The mom only shrugs and says, "Well – I did make you..."

[Platapus]

If you really think about it
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

[Commander Wallace]

Everyone thinks I have a drinking problem.



I drink. I get drunk. I fall down.


No problem. :03:





I don't have a problem with alcohol.


I have a problem when I run out of alcohol. :D

[Jimbuna]

Doctor tells his patient, “I’m afraid you are going to die in a few hours. What is your last wish?”

Patient replies, “I need a good doctor.”

[Jimbuna]

What do you call people who use the temperature method of contraception?

Parents.

[Platapus]

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?


Yes, we arson

[Jimbuna]

A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."

"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.

"Not really. But it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."

[Jimbuna]

A doctor walks in a cemetery one afternoon when a hand shoots through the earth and grabs his ankle. A hollow voice speaks from underneath the ground, "You're a doctor, right? Do you have anything against worms?"

[Jimbuna]

Mother: Son, why aren't you talking to Mark anymore? You used to be really good friends.

Son: Well would you like to talk to someone who is kind of stupid, is using drugs and is drinking alcohol every day?

Mother: Of course not!

Son: Well neither would he.

[Jimbuna]

Question: I have an extra-large nose, three eyes and thirty teeth. What am I?

Answer: Ugly

[Jimbuna]

A guy had to move abroad and had to sell his dog. The new owner asks, “And does he like little kids?”

“Sure, but it’s cheaper to just buy him dog biscuits.”

[Jimbuna]

At a birth center:

Heavily breathing woman: How long does it usually take for the child to be out since the start of the labor pains?

Midwife: About 18 years.

[Jimbuna]

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."

[Jimbuna]

How did the dentist suddenly become a brain surgeon?

A slip of the hand.

[Platapus]

My doctor asked me if I suffered from Premature Ejaculation
I told her that I don't but my wife does.

[Jimbuna]

A guy asked at a skydiving school, "If the chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open either, how long until we hit the ground?"

The instructor looked at him and said, "The rest of your life."

[Jimbuna]

Q: Why did the one-armed man cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

[Jimbuna]

A man visits a doctor for a checkup. When it’s over, the doctor tells him he has bad news. "You have only six months to live."

The man digests it for a while and then says, "There's just one thing I can do, I have to become a Communist."

Surprised, the doctor asks, "But you've been a patriotic American all your life, why would you become a Communist now?"

The man says, "Better when one of them dies than one of us!"

[Jimbuna]

A Chinese boy pleads with his Grandpa, “Granddad, can I have a dog? Please???!!!“

Two hours later says Grandpa, “Enjoy your meal, my boy.”

[Jimbuna]

Man is asked at the hospital:

How tall are you?

5'8’’, doctor.

I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.

[Texas Red]

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

[Jimbuna]

Two turkeys are looking at the sky at dusk and one asks the other: „Do you believe in life after Christmas?“

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard they found a dead guy with his head buried in his cornflakes?

The police believed it was a cereal killer.

[Jimbuna]

An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked about his paintings.

"Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."

"But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

[Jimbuna]

Three kids are at a Zoo. They seem to be fighting near a wolf enclosure so an adult walks up to them and asks them their names and what they’re up to.

The first kid says his name is Ronnie and that he was simply trying to feed pickles to the wolves.

The second kid introduces herself as Libby and says she was also just trying to feed pickles to the wolves.

The third child introduces herself as Pickles.

[Jimbuna]

What is yellow and makes moms happy in the morning?

The school bus.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the billionaire who woke up feeling ill?


He said that he felt like a million dollars

[Jimbuna]

Do you think there’s no good news about having Alzheimer's?

You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. Plus you are constantly making new friends.

[Jeff-Groves]

If you wear a mask because of Covid but can still smell perfume?
It means the Fat Old Lady near you splashed a whole damned bottle on!

[Jimbuna]

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight. I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

[Jimbuna]

A guy comes to the doctor, “Please help me. I’m constantly coughing and out of breath and it’s getting worse.”

The doctor asks, “Do you smoke?”

“Yes, but it’s not helping at all!”

[Jimbuna]

A judge asks a woman, “What did you steal, Mrs. Trettenbouche?”

The woman looks down, “A can of peaches, Your Honor.”

“And how many peaches were there in the can?” continues the judge.

“Six, sir”, admits the woman.

“OK, you will serve 6 days in prison,” rules the judge.

Suddenly her husband shouts from the back of the court room, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peanuts!”

[Jimbuna]

“An excellent choice,” says the marriage officiant to the groom, “the lady is very popular, I’m already seeing her here for the fifth time!”

[Jimbuna]

A wife is talking to her husband in the evening, “See, James? Men can still be gallant. Today I got on the subway and three young men stood up so I could sit down.”

James looks at her and asks drily, “And did you fit?”

[Eisenwurst]

On reflection, joke too adult. So removed.

[Arlo]

https://i.imgur.com/qXVa81p.jpg

[Jimbuna]

A dad is explaining how things are to his son, “I think it’s time you knew, Greg. You know the Easter Bunny, Santa, and the Tooth Fairy? That’s always been me.”

“That’s OK, daddy, I’ve known for a long time now that all these fairy creatures were really you. Except for the stork, right? That was uncle Vernon?”

[Jimbuna]

At a funeral:

“Do you know the WiFi password?”

“Have some respect for the dead!”

“Thanks. No spaces?”

[Jimbuna]

Two blind guys go to a cinema.

One guy says, “I don’t see anything!”

The other replies, “Shall we change places?”

[Jimbuna]

“My friend crashed his motorbike. He’s brain-damaged and both his legs are broken.”

“You know, I’m really not surprised that he crashed his bike then.”

[Jimbuna]

Two highlanders are talking, “Say, what would you do if a bear suddenly started attacking your wife?”

“Why would I have to do anything?! He started it, let him defend himself!”

[Jimbuna]

“My dad drives like the lightning!”

“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”

“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”

[blackswan40]

Swannys Joke of the day


https://www.subsim.com/radioroom/picture.php?albumid=1223&pictureid=12022

[Jimbuna]

A woman goes in the pharmacy, “Please help. My husband demands it all day long. It’s just too much! Do you have something to calm down his passion?!”

The lady behind the counter smiles, “Here, that’s my phone number.”

[Jimbuna]

I left the hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my aunt who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had to wrestle the wife, two doctors, a nurse, and a security guy.

[Jimbuna]

My grandfather had problems throwing things away.

He died by hand grenade.

[Jimbuna]

Woman’s Own Magazine held a voting competition for Car of the Year.
The winner was “The Green One”.

[Jimbuna]

Teacher says: “With 8 billion people on Earth, that also means a lot of people die every minute. People are dying as we speak, with every breath I take.”

Little Johnny suggests: “Maybe you should try some mouthwash.“

[Jimbuna]

Attorney: “Why didn’t you help when your wife was being attacked and beaten by your neighbor?”

Defendant: “Well – it seemed to me he was doing just fine on his own!”

[Catfish]

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors, I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: Mr. Rooseley, are you sure you really want to know your test results?

Patient: I’m dying to know.

Doctor: Well, funny you should say that...

[Jimbuna]

KID : Dad, what do condoms do?

DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.

[Platapus]

I have a low tolerance for math


I liked Algebra and Geometry, but I draw the line at Graphing.

[Jimbuna]

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

[Jimbuna]

There’s a new lipstick on the market, it is guaranteed to help you lose lots of weight, and fast.

It’s marketed as a glue stick.

[Jimbuna]

Two guys want to escape from a psychiatry institution.

The first guy suggests, “Ok I will turn on my flashlight and you climb down the light beam!”

The other one huffs, “Are you totally insane?! What if the batteries die when I’m just halfway down?”

[magic452]

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again….

Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.

[Jimbuna]

A man complains sadly to a psychologist: “Nobody seems to like me.“

The psychologist responds: “What do you think could be the reason for that?“

The man looks at him: “So is it my task or yours to find that out you moron!“

[Platapus]

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.


Post #1600 :D

[Platapus]

I think the person who developed auto-correct should go straight to hello.

[Platapus]

I find crushing coke cans to be soda pressing.

[Jimbuna]

“Here, my king, I completed my quest. In this bag you will find the head of the evil dragon that was terrorizing your kingdom.”

“Very well done, brave knight. And in this bag, as promised, is your reward – the hand and the heart of the princess.“

[Jimbuna]

There’s no way you’re going out in this skirt, kiddo!”

“But mom, I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?!”

“Because it’s so short and your nuts are showing underneath!”

[Jimbuna]

An awkward housewarming visit:

“Oh but this is wonderful – your couch has a massage function – and it’s so nice and warm!”

“You’re sitting on our cat.”

[Jimbuna]

I yelled: “It’s a boy!!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!!!” I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears.

– Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

[Jimbuna]

“It is with a sad heart that we inform you our beloved brother, Roger Kripsky, finally found his peace on April 7th, 2018.

His wife Amanda’s funeral will take place in the Shady Grove Funeral Parlor on Friday April 11th.”

[Jimbuna]

They really should consider a woman as the main actor of the next Mission Impossible movie.

Horrifying crashes, wild screams, huge explosions – and that’s just during the parallel parking scene!

[Jimbuna]

I tried to phone my cousin in France in 1943 but the line was occupied.

[Platapus]

When I skipped school to go bungee jumping
I ended up being suspended

[Platapus]

Some people age like fine wine


I age like milk


I just get sour and chunky.

[Platapus]

Don't you just hate people who answer their own questions?


I sure do.

[Jimbuna]

Religion teacher: “We are descended from Adam and Eve.”

Little Johnny pipes up: “But sir, my parents told me that we are descended from apes!”

The religion teacher smiles: “Sorry, we’re not talking about your family.”

[Jimbuna]

A box of matches. The perfect housewarming gift.

[Jimbuna]

A woman goes in the hospital for a very serious operation. Naturally, she’s nervous about the whole thing and talks to the surgeon the night before, “Oh doctor. I’m just so worried about this operation! Is it really safe?”

The doctor pats her on the shoulder, “There’s no need for panic, Mrs. Gimlick. I have personally performed this operation at least 30 times. It’s got to work out one day!”

[Jimbuna]

I had a few drinks after work, so I decided to take the bus home rather than my car, you know, like they say on the billboards. I don’t know what idiot thought of that. I bet that even sober, a bus is a beast to drive!“

[Jimbuna]

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

[Jimbuna]

Is there a better way to start your day than waking up in a loving embrace of another human being?

Unless you’re in prison, of course.

[Jimbuna]

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

[Platapus]

Once a friend of mine went to mime school
We never heard from him again

[Jimbuna]

Sparkly water was invented by the Germans. Who else would think of adding gas?

[Jimbuna]

A guy asks, “How big do penguins get?”

His colleague says, “Not much bigger than 4 feet.”

The guy scratches his head, “Ok, in that case I guess I ran over a nun on the way to work.”

[Jimbuna]

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"

[Catfish]

Caring for the environment..

The end of petrol and Diesel cars in the UK was scheduled for 2030.

This has now been brought forward to wednesday.

[Jimbuna]

Congratulations on your 60th birthday! At last you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!

[Platapus]

I just invented a new word
Plagiarism

[Jimbuna]

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

[Platapus]

Every frozen corpse on Mount Everest was a highly motivated individual who tried to pursue his or her dream.


Something to consider.

[Jimbuna]

A patient talks to his doctor, “I really can't decide between having this operation or facing certain death without it…”

The doctor tries to help, “You know, with a bit of luck, you could have both.”

[Jimbuna]

Why did Lisa fall of the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Well, not Lisa, that’s for sure.

[Platapus]

Me at 17 years old...


Me: Mom, I would like to introduce my new girl friend, Mary


Mom: hmmph, you really could not do better than this?


Me: Mom! That's rude!


Mom: I was not talking to you, son.



:o

[Jimbuna]

I want a divorce!

But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you.

[Platapus]

I have always heard of the expression "Married to your job"


Now I know what that means


1. No matter what you do, it is not good enough
2. Someone will be yelling at you.

[Jimbuna]

Doctor: And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?

Patient: Very well, I’ve been divorced for half a year now.

[Platapus]

I learn from the mistakes people make
When they take my advice

[Jimbuna]

Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home.

That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment.

[Jimbuna]

If you need to break up with somebody, the best place to do so is McDonalds.

There are no plates or glasses to be broken over your head, no sharp knives or spiky forks, plus you can always hide behind a fat kid.

[Jimbuna]

Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.

Doctor: I understand.

Patient: Understand what?

[Platapus]

If it were not for freedom of speech, we would not know who the dumb people are.

[Jimbuna]

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.

I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Chun Yu Yan” over and over – and then died.

I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

[Jimbuna]

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”

She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

[Jimbuna]

Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert?

"Yes, the red wire."