George Carlin One-Liners

SUBMAN1 · 05-02-09, 11:08 AM

I love the broker one.

-S

"If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little sthingys and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? "

Frame57 · 05-03-09, 10:51 AM

Classics. Will miss that dude...

SteamWake · 05-03-09, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

:rotfl:

Platapus · 05-03-09, 12:15 PM

Why do people drive their cars on a parkway; but park their cars on a driveway?

Sailor Steve · 05-05-09, 02:59 PM

My favorites:

Tonight's weather forecast: Dark. Continued dark until morning, when you can expect widely scattered sunlight.

There was a freak accident on the freeway today when six freaks in a van ran into three freaks in a pickup.

SUBMAN1 · 05-05-09, 05:46 PM

After re-reading through this another time and laughing my butt off, I am quite amazed that no one from the PC crowd has shown up and said something about how racists some of these comments are!

-S

RickC Sniper · 05-05-09, 06:59 PM

George Carlin. Crude, vulgar, and funny as hell!

nikimcbee · 05-05-09, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteamWake

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
:rotfl:

beat me to it

Lionclaw · 05-06-09, 10:53 AM

Twenty-one killed in twenty-one gun salute.

Police fired over the heads of rioters today, however they killed two-hundred people standing on a balcony.

antikristuseke · 05-06-09, 01:40 PM

While not exactly George Carlin, I have a feeling he would approve.

05-02-09, 11:08 AM	#1
SUBMAN1 Rear Admiral Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 11,866 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	George Carlin One-Liners I love the broker one. -S "If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little sthingys and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? " __________________

05-03-09, 10:51 AM	#2
Frame57 Sea Lord Join Date: May 2008 Location: 1300 feet on the crapper Posts: 1,860 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Classics. Will miss that dude... __________________ "My Religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble minds." Albert Einstein

05-03-09, 12:15 PM	#4
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,360 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Why do people drive their cars on a parkway; but park their cars on a driveway? __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-05-09, 02:59 PM	#5
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	My favorites: Tonight's weather forecast: Dark. Continued dark until morning, when you can expect widely scattered sunlight. There was a freak accident on the freeway today when six freaks in a van ran into three freaks in a pickup. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-05-09, 05:46 PM	#6
SUBMAN1 Rear Admiral Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 11,866 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	After re-reading through this another time and laughing my butt off, I am quite amazed that no one from the PC crowd has shown up and said something about how racists some of these comments are! -S __________________

05-05-09, 06:59 PM	#7
RickC Sniper Undetectable Join Date: Sep 1999 Location: Colorado Posts: 1,221 Downloads: 132 Uploads: 0	George Carlin. Crude, vulgar, and funny as hell! __________________ Support Subsim http://www.subsim.com/store.html

05-06-09, 10:53 AM	#9
Lionclaw Ace of the Deep Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 1,006 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Twenty-one killed in twenty-one gun salute. Police fired over the heads of rioters today, however they killed two-hundred people standing on a balcony.

05-06-09, 01:40 PM	#10
antikristuseke Silent Hunter Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Estland Posts: 4,330 Downloads: 3 Uploads: 0	While not exactly George Carlin, I have a feeling he would approve.