George Carlin One-Liners
 

I love the broker one.

-S



"If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little sthingys and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? "

Classics. Will miss that dude...:har::har::har:

Why do people drive their cars on a parkway; but park their cars on a driveway?

My favorites:

Tonight's weather forecast: Dark. Continued dark until morning, when you can expect widely scattered sunlight.

There was a freak accident on the freeway today when six freaks in a van ran into three freaks in a pickup.

After re-reading through this another time and laughing my butt off, I am quite amazed that no one from the PC crowd has shown up and said something about how racists some of these comments are! :haha:

-S

George Carlin. Crude, vulgar, and funny as hell!

:rock:

beat me to it:haha:

Twenty-one killed in twenty-one gun salute.

Police fired over the heads of rioters today, however they killed two-hundred people standing on a balcony.

While not exactly George Carlin, I have a feeling he would approve.:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5Vo3Xm8cTk