The Rage of Neptune (Balz)

Brag · 11-06-08, 12:55 PM

Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes.

15 February 1941, North Atlantic.
Given my outstanding descriptive style of writing, I continued to write the ultimate U-boat story.

The gale continued to rage like a storm in the North Atlantic, not that we were not in the North Atlantic, but the ferocious gale was like the ones one often meets in the North Atlantic. The only relief we got from the raging storm was when we dove to thirty meters for sound checks and during meals.

We were having such a relief from the raging storm and Balz was listening on the hydrophone. "Oh hoochie woochie. I hear the sweet murmur of fast beating, distant screws." He took the headphone off and grinned. "Another opportunity for you to admire the great skill of your commander--auftauchen! Full speed ahead."

Balz raced to the plotting table, made a few calculations and banged his fist on the table. "Verdamt. If we submerge for the attack, we'll never get him."
"Are we attacking surfaced?" Bernard asked.
"Yes." Balz barked. We will perform another cunning maneuver invented by my humble self."
"But they will shoot at us."
"In wartime, getting shot at is part of your job description."
"Is that included in your job description, too?"
"No, only your job description."
"If I get killed, I won't be able to perform my job," Bernard whinned.
"That is very sad, we'll miss you." Now, you mentally retarded, mentally retarded abomination of a triple moron, take the watch on the bridge."
"Can I wait 'til we surface?"
Balz clutched his head. "Someone, please tell Bernard when it's okay to open the hatch."

Outside it was as dark as inside a coalmine without lights, but we had more waves than inside a coalmine.
Bernard said," Ship sighted."
Balz came topside wearing his bowler hat. "Lower the boat to decks awash." He raised his glasses and peered into the murk. "Bernard, that is two ships."
"Yes, Herr Kaleun."
"Why did you report only one ship?"
"Because they look the same. Two small tankers, one behind the other and the other in front of the identical one that is behind of the one up front."
"Which one is in front of the one behind?" Balz asked.
"They look the same to me," Bernard answered, can't tell the difference, except that one is behind the one leading the way in front of the one behind."
"You are going to ruin your bowler in this weather." I said.
"The reason I wear this hat is so that they think an Englishman is about to sink them."
"Can they see you in the dark?"
"No. This way I get double protection."
"How can they think you're an Englishman if they can't see you?"
"The English are bright people. Unlike you, they can think in the dark-- Flood tubes one and two." Balz patted me on the shoulder. "How are going to describe this glorious scene of your superb commander in action?"
"I'm going to write, Our great commander, Johan Sebastian Balz was as calm as a picnic on a midsummer day. But, the sea around us raged and the enemy could open fire on us any second. Our commander continued the approach like a determined bunch of ants advancing toward the picnic."
"You twit. How could I advance like an ant? Change it to persevering in his attack like the rage of Neptune. That sounds more heroic and will earn me more admiration. Now, like the full wrath of the ancient Germanic tribes, launch one torpedo into the ship that's up front of the one behind it, and another torpedo to the ship that's behind the one up front of it--feur einz!"
"Oh, you hoochie-woochie."
"Feur zwei!"
"Torpedo!" loss aal ist im wasser."
The two ships remained unaware of our presence 'til the torpedoes struck them.

We a approached a lifeboat. Balz leaned over the rail. "Hey, Englishmen, I am running a survey on the effectiveness of German explosives. How high did my kaboom make you jump out of your bunks?"

Tango589 · 11-06-08, 01:20 PM

Ha ha ha!! Another roaring triumph for J.S. Balz, hero of the Kriegamarine.

Quote:

"Hey, Englishmen, I am running a survey on the effectiveness of German explosives. How high did my kaboom make you jump out of your bunks?"

I reckon about 2', then they would have hit the bunk above them.:hmm:

Sailor Steve · 11-06-08, 04:22 PM

Except for the one in the top bunk, who wouldn't have had any bunk above him to hit, except for the overhead ceiling thingy that he might think is a bunk after hitting his head on it.

Me, I think this whole thing is a lot of bunk. Bunk from Balz. Balz bunk. Fritz Gwitz glitz. Bernard-bashing. Random ridiculous writing.

But I can't put it down.

U-46 Commander · 11-06-08, 05:01 PM

The ant describes you better Balz! And how dare you describe my second cousin as a....a....a....well, whatever you said. As for the survey, you should ask the deck watch how high they fly when MY torpedo hits their ship!

Signed, KptLt. Bernard Von Awful. Arch-Rival of J.S. Balz and all around Nasty Guy.

My estimate would be about 2' high and 3' to the side and about 6' to 1' down.

Task Force · 11-06-08, 05:58 PM

Good one brag, always enjoy your storys.

richardphat · 11-06-08, 06:07 PM

"We a approached a lifeboat. Balz leaned over the rail. "Hey, Englishmen, I am running a survey on the effectiveness of German explosives. How high did my kaboom make you jump out of your bunks?"
:rotfl: :rotfl:

Brag · 11-07-08, 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Except for the one in the top bunk, who wouldn't have had any bunk above him to hit, except for the overhead ceiling thingy that he might think is a bunk after hitting his head on it.

Me, I think this whole thing is a lot of bunk. Bunk from Balz. Balz bunk. Fritz Gwitz glitz. Bernard-bashing. Random ridiculous writing.

But I can't put it down.

Steve is in a debunking mode :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

meduza · 11-07-08, 07:55 AM

:rotfl:

Another great one!

coronas · 11-07-08, 08:39 AM

Another good moment!
Great read, Brag!

Red Heat · 11-07-08, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by richardphat

"We a approached a lifeboat. Balz leaned over the rail. "Hey, Englishmen, I am running a survey on the effectiveness of German explosives. How high did my kaboom make you jump out of your bunks?"
:rotfl: :rotfl:

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Brag · 11-09-08, 12:57 PM

Glad you liked it, guys

Another episode is in the works for next Friday.

piri_reis · 11-09-08, 04:46 PM

Yeah good stuff Brag,

now I'm digging the forum for Balz's old stories!

Jimbuna · 11-09-08, 05:01 PM

Tally Ho Brag

Brag · 11-10-08, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Tally Ho Brag

I will tally ho ho and ha ha.

11-06-08, 12:55 PM	#1
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	The Rage of Neptune (Balz) Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes. 15 February 1941, North Atlantic. Given my outstanding descriptive style of writing, I continued to write the ultimate U-boat story. The gale continued to rage like a storm in the North Atlantic, not that we were not in the North Atlantic, but the ferocious gale was like the ones one often meets in the North Atlantic. The only relief we got from the raging storm was when we dove to thirty meters for sound checks and during meals. We were having such a relief from the raging storm and Balz was listening on the hydrophone. "Oh hoochie woochie. I hear the sweet murmur of fast beating, distant screws." He took the headphone off and grinned. "Another opportunity for you to admire the great skill of your commander--auftauchen! Full speed ahead." Balz raced to the plotting table, made a few calculations and banged his fist on the table. "Verdamt. If we submerge for the attack, we'll never get him." "Are we attacking surfaced?" Bernard asked. "Yes." Balz barked. We will perform another cunning maneuver invented by my humble self." "But they will shoot at us." "In wartime, getting shot at is part of your job description." "Is that included in your job description, too?" "No, only your job description." "If I get killed, I won't be able to perform my job," Bernard whinned. "That is very sad, we'll miss you." Now, you mentally retarded, mentally retarded abomination of a triple moron, take the watch on the bridge." "Can I wait 'til we surface?" Balz clutched his head. "Someone, please tell Bernard when it's okay to open the hatch." Outside it was as dark as inside a coalmine without lights, but we had more waves than inside a coalmine. Bernard said," Ship sighted." Balz came topside wearing his bowler hat. "Lower the boat to decks awash." He raised his glasses and peered into the murk. "Bernard, that is two ships." "Yes, Herr Kaleun." "Why did you report only one ship?" "Because they look the same. Two small tankers, one behind the other and the other in front of the identical one that is behind of the one up front." "Which one is in front of the one behind?" Balz asked. "They look the same to me," Bernard answered, can't tell the difference, except that one is behind the one leading the way in front of the one behind." "You are going to ruin your bowler in this weather." I said. "The reason I wear this hat is so that they think an Englishman is about to sink them." "Can they see you in the dark?" "No. This way I get double protection." "How can they think you're an Englishman if they can't see you?" "The English are bright people. Unlike you, they can think in the dark-- Flood tubes one and two." Balz patted me on the shoulder. "How are going to describe this glorious scene of your superb commander in action?" "I'm going to write, Our great commander, Johan Sebastian Balz was as calm as a picnic on a midsummer day. But, the sea around us raged and the enemy could open fire on us any second. Our commander continued the approach like a determined bunch of ants advancing toward the picnic." "You twit. How could I advance like an ant? Change it to persevering in his attack like the rage of Neptune. That sounds more heroic and will earn me more admiration. Now, like the full wrath of the ancient Germanic tribes, launch one torpedo into the ship that's up front of the one behind it, and another torpedo to the ship that's behind the one up front of it--feur einz!" "Oh, you hoochie-woochie." "Feur zwei!" "Torpedo!" loss aal ist im wasser." The two ships remained unaware of our presence 'til the torpedoes struck them. We a approached a lifeboat. Balz leaned over the rail. "Hey, Englishmen, I am running a survey on the effectiveness of German explosives. How high did my kaboom make you jump out of your bunks?" __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/ Last edited by Brag; 11-06-08 at 12:56 PM.

11-06-08, 04:22 PM	#3
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Except for the one in the top bunk, who wouldn't have had any bunk above him to hit, except for the overhead ceiling thingy that he might think is a bunk after hitting his head on it. Me, I think this whole thing is a lot of bunk. Bunk from Balz. Balz bunk. Fritz Gwitz glitz. Bernard-bashing. Random ridiculous writing. But I can't put it down. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

11-06-08, 05:01 PM	#4
U-46 Commander Lieutenant Join Date: May 2008 Location: The absolutely most exciting state!! Iowa! Posts: 251 Downloads: 53 Uploads: 0	The ant describes you better Balz! And how dare you describe my second cousin as a....a....a....well, whatever you said. As for the survey, you should ask the deck watch how high they fly when MY torpedo hits their ship! Signed, KptLt. Bernard Von Awful. Arch-Rival of J.S. Balz and all around Nasty Guy. My estimate would be about 2' high and 3' to the side and about 6' to 1' down. __________________ "Loved By Few, Hated By Many, Respected By All."-The U-boats.

11-06-08, 05:58 PM	#5
Task Force Rear Admiral Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: SPACE!!!! Posts: 10,142 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	Good one brag, always enjoy your storys. __________________ Task Force industries "Taking control of the world, one mind at a time"

11-07-08, 07:55 AM	#8
meduza Ace of the Deep Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: on patrol Posts: 1,035 Downloads: 40 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: Another great one! __________________

11-06-08, 06:07 PM	#6
richardphat Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 682 Downloads: 17 Uploads: 0	"We a approached a lifeboat. Balz leaned over the rail. "Hey, Englishmen, I am running a survey on the effectiveness of German explosives. How high did my kaboom make you jump out of your bunks?" :rotfl: :rotfl:

11-07-08, 08:39 AM	#9
coronas Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2005 Location: Asturias, España Posts: 1,168 Downloads: 39 Uploads: 0	Another good moment! Great read, Brag! __________________

11-09-08, 12:57 PM	#11
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Glad you liked it, guys Another episode is in the works for next Friday. __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/

11-09-08, 04:46 PM	#12
piri_reis Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Istanbul, Turkiye Posts: 715 Downloads: 115 Uploads: 0	Yeah good stuff Brag, now I'm digging the forum for Balz's old stories! __________________ Lt.z.S. Barbaros Hayreddin, U-35, 2nd Flot/Kiel, Type VIIB Oct.29.1939, 2nd Patrol Eastern English Waters Running SH5/TWOS

11-09-08, 05:01 PM	#13
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,464 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Tally Ho Brag __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!