SUBSIM Radio Room Forums - The Rage of Neptune (Balz)

Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes.

15 February 1941, North Atlantic.
Given my outstanding descriptive style of writing, I continued to write the ultimate U-boat story. :smug:

The gale continued to rage like a storm in the North Atlantic, not that we were not in the North Atlantic, but the ferocious gale was like the ones one often meets in the North Atlantic. The only relief we got from the raging storm was when we dove to thirty meters for sound checks and during meals.

We were having such a relief from the raging storm and Balz was listening on the hydrophone. "Oh hoochie woochie. I hear the sweet murmur of fast beating, distant screws." He took the headphone off and grinned. "Another opportunity for you to admire the great skill of your commander--auftauchen! Full speed ahead."

Balz raced to the plotting table, made a few calculations and banged his fist on the table. "Verdamt. If we submerge for the attack, we'll never get him."
"Are we attacking surfaced?" Bernard asked.
"Yes." Balz barked. We will perform another cunning maneuver invented by my humble self."
"But they will shoot at us."
"In wartime, getting shot at is part of your job description."
"Is that included in your job description, too?"
"No, only your job description."
"If I get killed, I won't be able to perform my job," Bernard whinned.
"That is very sad, we'll miss you." Now, you mentally retarded, mentally retarded abomination of a triple moron, take the watch on the bridge."
"Can I wait 'til we surface?"
Balz clutched his head. "Someone, please tell Bernard when it's okay to open the hatch."

Outside it was as dark as inside a coalmine without lights, but we had more waves than inside a coalmine.
Bernard said," Ship sighted."
Balz came topside wearing his bowler hat. "Lower the boat to decks awash." He raised his glasses and peered into the murk. "Bernard, that is two ships."
"Yes, Herr Kaleun."
"Why did you report only one ship?"
"Because they look the same. Two small tankers, one behind the other and the other in front of the identical one that is behind of the one up front."
"Which one is in front of the one behind?" Balz asked.
"They look the same to me," Bernard answered, can't tell the difference, except that one is behind the one leading the way in front of the one behind."
"You are going to ruin your bowler in this weather." I said.
"The reason I wear this hat is so that they think an Englishman is about to sink them."
"Can they see you in the dark?"
"No. This way I get double protection."
"How can they think you're an Englishman if they can't see you?"
"The English are bright people. Unlike you, they can think in the dark-- Flood tubes one and two." Balz patted me on the shoulder. "How are going to describe this glorious scene of your superb commander in action?"
"I'm going to write, Our great commander, Johan Sebastian Balz was as calm as a picnic on a midsummer day. But, the sea around us raged and the enemy could open fire on us any second. Our commander continued the approach like a determined bunch of ants advancing toward the picnic."
"You twit. How could I advance like an ant? Change it to persevering in his attack like the rage of Neptune. That sounds more heroic and will earn me more admiration. Now, like the full wrath of the ancient Germanic tribes, launch one torpedo into the ship that's up front of the one behind it, and another torpedo to the ship that's behind the one up front of it--feur einz!"
"Oh, you hoochie-woochie."
"Feur zwei!"
"Torpedo!" loss aal ist im wasser."
The two ships remained unaware of our presence 'til the torpedoes struck them.

We a approached a lifeboat. Balz leaned over the rail. "Hey, Englishmen, I am running a survey on the effectiveness of German explosives. How high did my kaboom make you jump out of your bunks?"