Jokes about Jewish people

[Bilge_Rat]

Avisitor came to Israel and saw the Western Wall. Not being too religious, he asked another tourist about the significance of the Wall.The other tourist explained, "This is a sacred wall. If you pray to it, God may hear you."

The visitor walked close to the wall and started to pray:
"Dear Lord," he said, "bring sunshine and warmth to this beautiful land."

A commanding voice answered: "I will, my son."

The visitor said: "Bring prosperity to this land."

"I will, my son."

"Let Jews and Arabs live together in peace, dear Lord."

The voice answered: "You're talking to a wall!"

[Safe-Keeper]

This one is so awesome. I guess the matchstick girl is a Kurd or something.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Bilge_Rat

A well off southern woman living near an army base in the deep American south wanted to do something patriotic for the boys in uniform so she decided to invite 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls.

She calls the base and asks to speak to the general in charge. Excitedly she gets right to the point, about inviting 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls, but then adds 'Don't send any Jews!,' to which the General after a pause answers 'OK'.

The next weekend with the party getting underway there's a knock on the southern woman's door. When she opens the door there stands five big BLACK Army officers.

'There must be some mistake,' she mumbles.

'No mam,' answers the Black captain. 'General Cohen never makes mistakes!!!'

One of my old favorites! I'd forgotten it, though. Thanks for reminding me!

[DarkFish]

Originally Posted by Bilge_Rat

The only advantage is that it is very easy to spot the anti-semites and right-wing nut jobs by the jokes they post. OneToughHerring obviously fits into both categories.

Well yeah, it kinda surprises me that in a thread about Obama jokes OTH immediately starts talking about racism against black persons, while shortly after he starts a new thread with jokes about Jews. If jokes about black people are racism in his eyes, how then can jokes about Jews not be racism?

Personally, I think both should be allowed. As long as it stays civil, what's wrong with jokes?
(BTW, anyone know any jokes about Dutchmen? Been a long time since I last heard one)


anyway, back on topic:

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
"The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be o sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[GoldenRivet]

Late one night a fully loaded Cargo jet is over the ocean en route from China to LAX.

The Captain is a devout Jew.

The first officer is Chinese, and is new with the company.

This is the first night the two men had ever flown together and other than check list items over the past 2 hours they havn't spoken a single word to one another.

under the thousands of twinkling stars and the ever sprawling ocean the Chinese first officer can no longer stand the silence.

"So, Captain, why you no speak to me for this entire fright? this fright to LAX is a long fright and tings will be vewy bowing if we not going to talk to each other."

the Jew captain looks at the first officer with a stern look on his face

"I'm not talking to you because you're Chinese, i dont like you damned Chinese because you bombed pearl harbor."

the Chinese first officer is a bit taken back... he says

"Whaa!? Chinese no bomb pearl harbor thas crazy... Japanese bomb pearl harbor!"

the Jew Captain says...

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... its all the same to me."

The Chinese first officer says

"Fine! I no wanna talk to you anyway because i no like stupid Jews!... Damn Jews sink that Titanic!"

The Jew captain looks at the first officer and says

"Jews didnt sink the Titanic you dumb ass... that was an iceberg!"

The chinese first officer says

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg... its all the same to me!"

[joegrundman]

big lolz at that one gr

edit: and that one by darkfish was quite funny too

[Raptor1]

Heard this one a while ago, so I can't remember exactly how it went:

Two Russian men stand in line to recieve food in the RSFSR. After 2 hours of waiting, a Chekist comes out and shouts "No food for Jews today!". The Jews go home and the first man says to the other "See, the Jews are always treated better than us", the other man gives him a puzzled look and they continue waiting in line. After three more hours of waiting the Chekist comes out again, he shouts "No food for anyone today!"

Well, it was funnier in the original version.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Raptor1

Well, it was funnier in the original version.

I thought it was plenty funny the way you told it. I've never heard that one before.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are on a train. After awhile the cards come out, and the bet is a quarter a hand. Pretty soon the Cardinal strolls by. With prescience the cards disappear just before the door opens, but the Cardinal is still suspicious.

"Father, were you gambling?"

"No, your imminence." The priest lies, hoping he can do pennance later.

"Reverend, were you gambling?"

"No, Cardinal." The minister lies, thinking it's okay to lie to a Catholic.

"Rabbi, were you gambling?"

The rabbi looks at the other two, shrugs his shoulders and says "With who?"

[Bilge_Rat]

Originally Posted by DarkFish

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
"The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be o sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

good one.

[Safe-Keeper]

Two Russian men stand in line to recieve food in the RSFSR. After 2 hours of waiting, a Chekist comes out and shouts "No food for Jews today!". The Jews go home and the first man says to the other "See, the Jews are always treated better than us", the other man gives him a puzzled look and they continue waiting in line. After three more hours of waiting the Chekist comes out again, he shouts "No food for anyone today!"

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."
The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."
"Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."


Favorite movie rentals for the Chanukah holiday

Three Men And A Bubbie
A Few Hood Mentches
The Cohenheads
The Rocky Hora Picture Show
Shalom Alone
Goyz 'N The Hood
A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
The Wizard Of Oys
Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
Prelude To A Briss

[Bilge_Rat]

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it.


What do you call a first time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!


A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police: "Honest, I am not a suicide bomber!", he said. " I did not say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins, all I said was ' I'm dying to get laid!'".

[Sailor Steve]

That last one tore the laughs out of me!

[DarkFish]

Originally Posted by Bilge_Rat

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police: "Honest, I am not a suicide bomber!", he said. " I did not say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins, all I said was ' I'm dying to get laid!'".

ROFLMAO

Fry and Zoidberg from Futurama rock out.