Jokes about Jewish people - Page 8

UnderseaLcpl · 05-11-10, 04:12 AM

The first two posts were good, but the last one really made me laugh. Nicely done, Grant

Now, courtesy of National Geographic, some Australian History:

Australia was founded as a British penal colony in 1771, as the worst punishment the pasty Brits could think of was sunshine and warm weather. It currently boasts a population of of roughly 20 million citizens- a remarkably high figure considering the scarcity of vaginal intercourse during those first few decades.

A hard-to-understand people, Australians are known around the world for their accents and slang, with the last word of formal English believed to have been spoken in Sydney around 1971. Common phrases include "g'day mate", which is slang for "hello, friend", "crikey", which is slang for "wow", and "pass us a tinny ya bugga", which is slang for "g'day mate".

Still, one should avoid stereotypes and sweeping generalizations when it comes to describing Australians, as they all carry large hunting knives between their teeth and wrestle dangerous reptiles for sport.

August · 05-11-10, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarJak

Lies, Lies!

I just want to note that we Americans have been terribly misrepresented. We only drink weak, pissy-tasting beer when there isn't any 'shine handy...

Happy Times · 05-11-10, 07:38 AM

Who is the worst golf player in history?
Adolf Hitler, he never made it out from the bunker.

Why did Hitler shoot himself?
He got the gas bill.

Hitler had behaved good in Hell and got a week long holiday on earth.
After a day he already returned.
The Devil asked:
- Why did you come back this soon?
- The world has gone mad!
The Germans are doing business and the Jews are having wars!

Blood_splat · 05-11-10, 08:39 AM

Hey, I get why Muslims carry out terrorist attacks: they're promised 72 virgins when they go to heaven. What I don't understand is what's in it for those virgins; here's what they're told: "You be a good little girl, always wear a burka, always wear a veil. You cannot go to school, get a job, learn to read, vote, drive, dance, play games or listen to music. You must live a life of absolute humility and celibacy. Then when you die you will go to heaven ... where you will be raped by evil terrorists and be their sex slave for the rest of eternity."

New York 2051

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."

The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that were the heart of the United States, but 50 years ago, a group of Muslims destroyed the buildings."

The boy thinks for a minute and then asks his father: "Daddy, what are Muslims?"

A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?"

"It was," replied the local, "But that all changed with the war."

"How did the war change things?" The journalist enquired.

The local replied, "Land mines."

Oberon · 05-11-10, 09:27 AM

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

mookiemookie · 05-11-10, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oberon

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Lord_magerius · 05-11-10, 10:20 AM

Nothing to see here

nikimcbee · 05-11-10, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Australia was founded as a British penal colony in 1771, as the worst punishment the pasty Brits could think of was sunshine and warm weather. It currently boasts a population of of roughly 20 million citizens- a remarkably high figure considering the scarcity of vaginal intercourse during those first few decades.

asexual reproduction

...and you don't wanna know.

@Grant, those were a riot. The only thing funnier, is to mistake someone from South Africa from Austrialia.

Done that before, and they were pretty upset by it. "I'm not from AUSTRIALIA!"

Lord_magerius · 05-11-10, 11:24 AM

Sorry, looking at some of the other jokes these seemed about the same, I'll remove them if they offend you so much. I'm not here to piss anyone off or offend people but it's my taste in humour. Really sick horrible stuff that you shouldn't laugh at but do.

antikristuseke · 05-11-10, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilge_Rat

That is incredibly bad taste.

I have had enough of this total anti-semitic Nazi right-wing garbage masquaraded as humour. I can't believe Neal allows this garbage to go on on his forum. It is disgusting and I am losing respect for him and his moderators. This thread should have been locked up long ago.

OneToughHerring was bad enough, although I figure he is just an immature jerk, but what is your excuse? You were raised by nazis? locked up in cellar your whole life and never had an education? Are you a loser in every other aspects of your life?

putz.

Just because I know and laugh at racist jokes does not make me a racist. Hell, even the concept of racism seems ridiculous to me, but it exists. Why not laugh at it?

Lord_magerius · 05-11-10, 11:32 AM

I'm not a racist I just find offensive humour funny. If you would like to hear some knock knock jokes, I'm sure I could knock some up.

Edit: anyway if you want to discuss it further with me and about how much of an ass I am lets take it to PM and not derail the thread

August · 05-11-10, 11:33 AM

I think it's a matter of degree. A few weak jokes are ok but they keep getting more and more viscous as the thread goes on. Somebody was bound to get pissed off eventually.

I vote for a thread lock.

05-11-10, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilge_Rat

OneToughHerring was bad enough, although I figure he is just an immature jerk,

I'm just obeying the rules of the Subsim Radioroom, if that equals being an immature jerk (which it actually might) then I'm not the only immature jerk around here.

I'll conclude with this joke.

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section.
The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to place an obituary."
"Awright, how would you like it to read?"
"Irving Cohen died."
"That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
"That's it."
"But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."
"All right. Irving Cohen died... Cadillac for sale."

Sailor Steve · 05-11-10, 11:40 AM

@ Lord_majerius: I thought you went a little over the line too. That said, someone called you on it, you removed them and apologized. If anyone still wants to call you names I'll stand up in your defense. You seem like a good guy to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

I'm just obeying the rules of the Subsim Radioroom, if that equals being an immature jerk (which it actually might) then I'm not the only immature jerk around here.

You're absolutely right on that last. Some of your first jokes were over the line in my book, but some of the others were within the bounds of good taste and some were downright funny.

Quote:

I'll conclude with this joke.

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section. The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?" "I'd like to place an obituary." "Awright, how would you like it to read?" "Irving Cohen died." "That's it? Irving Cohen died?" "That's it." "But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price." "All right. Irving Cohen died... Cadillac for sale."

And that was a good one!

Dowly · 05-11-10, 11:41 AM

Bilge_rat, no one forces you to read this thread.

05-11-10, 04:12 AM	#106
UnderseaLcpl Silent Hunter Join Date: May 2008 Location: Storming the beaches! Posts: 4,254 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	The first two posts were good, but the last one really made me laugh. Nicely done, Grant Now, courtesy of National Geographic, some Australian History: Australia was founded as a British penal colony in 1771, as the worst punishment the pasty Brits could think of was sunshine and warm weather. It currently boasts a population of of roughly 20 million citizens- a remarkably high figure considering the scarcity of vaginal intercourse during those first few decades. A hard-to-understand people, Australians are known around the world for their accents and slang, with the last word of formal English believed to have been spoken in Sydney around 1971. Common phrases include "g'day mate", which is slang for "hello, friend", "crikey", which is slang for "wow", and "pass us a tinny ya bugga", which is slang for "g'day mate". Still, one should avoid stereotypes and sweeping generalizations when it comes to describing Australians, as they all carry large hunting knives between their teeth and wrestle dangerous reptiles for sport. __________________ I stole this sig from Task Force

05-11-10, 07:38 AM	#108
Happy Times Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 2,950 Downloads: 10 Uploads: 0	Who is the worst golf player in history? Adolf Hitler, he never made it out from the bunker. Why did Hitler shoot himself? He got the gas bill. Hitler had behaved good in Hell and got a week long holiday on earth. After a day he already returned. The Devil asked: - Why did you come back this soon? - The world has gone mad! The Germans are doing business and the Jews are having wars! __________________

05-11-10, 10:20 AM	#112
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	Nothing to see here Last edited by Lord_magerius; 05-11-10 at 11:24 AM.

05-11-10, 11:32 AM	#116
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	I'm not a racist I just find offensive humour funny. If you would like to hear some knock knock jokes, I'm sure I could knock some up. Edit: anyway if you want to discuss it further with me and about how much of an ass I am lets take it to PM and not derail the thread Last edited by Lord_magerius; 05-11-10 at 12:14 PM.

05-11-10, 11:33 AM	#117
August Wayfaring Stranger Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 23,197 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	I think it's a matter of degree. A few weak jokes are ok but they keep getting more and more viscous as the thread goes on. Somebody was bound to get pissed off eventually. I vote for a thread lock. __________________ Flanked by life and the funeral pyre. Putting on a show for you to see.

05-11-10, 08:39 AM	#109
Blood_splat Samurai Navy Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Beneath the waves Posts: 568 Downloads: 20 Uploads: 0	Hey, I get why Muslims carry out terrorist attacks: they're promised 72 virgins when they go to heaven. What I don't understand is what's in it for those virgins; here's what they're told: "You be a good little girl, always wear a burka, always wear a veil. You cannot go to school, get a job, learn to read, vote, drive, dance, play games or listen to music. You must live a life of absolute humility and celibacy. Then when you die you will go to heaven ... where you will be raped by evil terrorists and be their sex slave for the rest of eternity." New York 2051 A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers." The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?" Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that were the heart of the United States, but 50 years ago, a group of Muslims destroyed the buildings." The boy thinks for a minute and then asks his father: "Daddy, what are Muslims?" A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?" "It was," replied the local, "But that all changed with the war." "How did the war change things?" The journalist enquired. The local replied, "Land mines."

05-11-10, 09:27 AM	#110
Oberon Lucky Jack Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 25,976 Downloads: 61 Uploads: 20	A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did. The next morning's newspaper carried the news item: "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY." Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop? A: An Amish drive-by shooting. An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy." A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

05-11-10, 11:24 AM	#114
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	Sorry, looking at some of the other jokes these seemed about the same, I'll remove them if they offend you so much. I'm not here to piss anyone off or offend people but it's my taste in humour. Really sick horrible stuff that you shouldn't laugh at but do.

05-11-10, 11:41 AM	#120
Dowly Lucky Jack Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 25,052 Downloads: 32 Uploads: 0	Bilge_rat, no one forces you to read this thread.