Jokes about Jewish people

[TarJak]

The Indian & The Porsche

An Indian parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Indian grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Indian starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Indian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Indians
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Indian.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."

The Indian looks down in absolute horror "*******ING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."

[TarJak]

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

[UnderseaLcpl]

The first two posts were good, but the last one really made me laugh. Nicely done, Grant


Now, courtesy of National Geographic, some Australian History:

Australia was founded as a British penal colony in 1771, as the worst punishment the pasty Brits could think of was sunshine and warm weather. It currently boasts a population of of roughly 20 million citizens- a remarkably high figure considering the scarcity of vaginal intercourse during those first few decades.

A hard-to-understand people, Australians are known around the world for their accents and slang, with the last word of formal English believed to have been spoken in Sydney around 1971. Common phrases include "g'day mate", which is slang for "hello, friend", "crikey", which is slang for "wow", and "pass us a tinny ya bugga", which is slang for "g'day mate".

Still, one should avoid stereotypes and sweeping generalizations when it comes to describing Australians, as they all carry large hunting knives between their teeth and wrestle dangerous reptiles for sport.

[Happy Times]

Who is the worst golf player in history?
Adolf Hitler, he never made it out from the bunker.


Why did Hitler shoot himself?
He got the gas bill.

Hitler had behaved good in Hell and got a week long holiday on earth.
After a day he already returned.
The Devil asked:
- Why did you come back this soon?
- The world has gone mad!
The Germans are doing business and the Jews are having wars!

[Blood_splat]

Hey, I get why Muslims carry out terrorist attacks: they're promised 72 virgins when they go to heaven. What I don't understand is what's in it for those virgins; here's what they're told: "You be a good little girl, always wear a burka, always wear a veil. You cannot go to school, get a job, learn to read, vote, drive, dance, play games or listen to music. You must live a life of absolute humility and celibacy. Then when you die you will go to heaven ... where you will be raped by evil terrorists and be their sex slave for the rest of eternity."


New York 2051

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."

The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that were the heart of the United States, but 50 years ago, a group of Muslims destroyed the buildings."

The boy thinks for a minute and then asks his father: "Daddy, what are Muslims?"



A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?"

"It was," replied the local, "But that all changed with the war."

"How did the war change things?" The journalist enquired.

The local replied, "Land mines."

[Oberon]

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."


Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.


An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[mookiemookie]

Originally Posted by Oberon

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[August]

Originally Posted by TarJak

Lies, Lies!

I just want to note that we Americans have been terribly misrepresented. We only drink weak, pissy-tasting beer when there isn't any 'shine handy...