Jokes about Jewish people

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

Favorite movie rentals for the Chanukah holiday

Three Men And A Bubbie
A Few Hood Mentches
The Cohenheads
The Rocky Hora Picture Show
Shalom Alone
Goyz 'N The Hood
A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
The Wizard Of Oys
Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
Prelude To A Briss

If you ever get the chance, check out a movie called The Hebrew Hammer. It's silly, but hilarious. A Jewish take on I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317640/

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

If you ever get the chance, check out a movie called The Hebrew Hammer. It's silly, but hilarious. A Jewish take on I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317640/

Heard of it, haven't seen it.

Jewish!

[UnderseaLcpl]

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

Originally Posted by UnderseaLcpl

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

There aren't any good jokes about Americans, that's because America is not really a country as much it is a collection of nationalities. In order to have an identity that can be made fun of there first has to be an identity.

Edit. Ok here's one.

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

[Stealth Hunter]

Recent terrorist threats have caused the English to raise their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada, when Mother Nature saved them.

The Scottish raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels right now, and aren't likely to have any more in the future. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout and Hoot Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing with Fancy Mustaches". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides in the Middle of the Conflict".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs for the Sake of Nationalism". They have three higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor", "Elect Man with Fancy Facial Hair", and "Für das Vaterland!!!!!"

The Belgians and folks of the Netherlands, on the other hand, are all on holiday-as usual-- and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels and the levees failing, respectively. Their terror alert system anyway is based around the level of chocolate production, coupled with the status of the grain production from their windmill states.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy to combat the terrorist and Somali pirate threat simultaneously. These beautifully designed craft have glass bottoms. This way the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile-and as usual-- are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, mocking anyone who doesn't support them, and passing around bare-faced lies and threats, just in case.

MEANWHILE IN THE PACIFIC...

New Zealand has raised its security levels from "Bah" to "BAH!!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath, constructed from Kleenex boxes, tape, and rubber), they've only got one more level of escalation, which is: "Hopefully Australia Will Come and Save Us".

Australia has as a result raised its security level from "No Worries, Mate" to "She'll Be All Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey, Mate!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie This Weekend, Mate", and "Barbie's Cancelled".

So far no situation has ever warranted use of Australia's final escalation level.

Should one arise, god help us all.

[Bilge_Rat]

[Platapus]

What is the difference between Catholic Priests and Pimples?

Pimples wait until you are a teenager before coming out over your face.

[Bilge_Rat]

here is one for americans:

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by UnderseaLcpl

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

Fair is fair

Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Bilge_Rat]

Originally Posted by Platapus

Fair is fair

Only In America

...
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

LoL, love that last one...

[GoldenRivet]

Originally Posted by Platapus

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

my wife is terrible about this.

One day i just went out and threw a sh*t ton of it away and moved her car inside.

she may have not learned anything from Mr. Arsonist... but I did.

[TLAM Strike]

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”




This one is for Steve...


A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.” “Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

[AVGWarhawk]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

There aren't any good jokes about Americans, that's because America is not really a country as much it is a collection of nationalities. In order to have an identity that can be made fun of there first has to be an identity.

Edit. Ok here's one.

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

I would have to agree here OTH. There are many different nationalities each with their own set of jokes. Then it could be broken down in to certain areas of the country. Broken down further to Texans, Hillbillies, New Yorkers or Alaskans. You know, Palin seeing Russian from her porch. She says, "Shoo you Russians." That is Palin security plan for Alaska. Or in Texas....they not only support capital punishment...they have a drive through for it.

[TLAM Strike]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

I can confirm that is 100% True.

Although it should say an 'icy road' and not a slippery road.

[Platapus]

How about some lawyer humour?

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $18.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $150 due for a consultation.