Jokes about Jewish people

05-10-10, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnderseaLcpl

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

There aren't any good jokes about Americans, that's because America is not really a country as much it is a collection of nationalities. In order to have an identity that can be made fun of there first has to be an identity.

Edit. Ok here's one.

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

AVGWarhawk · 05-10-10, 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

There aren't any good jokes about Americans, that's because America is not really a country as much it is a collection of nationalities. In order to have an identity that can be made fun of there first has to be an identity.

Edit. Ok here's one.

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

I would have to agree here OTH. There are many different nationalities each with their own set of jokes. Then it could be broken down in to certain areas of the country. Broken down further to Texans, Hillbillies, New Yorkers or Alaskans. You know, Palin seeing Russian from her porch. She says, "Shoo you Russians." That is Palin security plan for Alaska. Or in Texas....they not only support capital punishment...they have a drive through for it.

TLAM Strike · 05-10-10, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

I can confirm that is 100% True.

Although it should say an 'icy road' and not a slippery road.

Platapus · 05-10-10, 07:03 PM

How about some lawyer humour?

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $18.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $150 due for a consultation.

antikristuseke · 05-10-10, 07:44 PM

Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She was not wearing a seat belt.

---

What was princess Dianas favorite shampoo?

Head and shoulders, after the crash hers were splatered all over the dashboard

---

When a black guy and a jew jump off the empire state building at the same time, who wins?

Society.

---

What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?

Not ennough sand.

---

Child obesity is becoming a serious problem for pedophiles, sure they are easyer to catch, but who wants to fiddle with a fatty?

---

What is charred,black and siting at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

Edit: Some of these may have been posted allready, im too lazy to read everything here.

nikimcbee · 05-11-10, 12:30 AM

Dowly · 05-11-10, 02:25 AM

LMAO @Antikristuseke

TarJak · 05-11-10, 02:35 AM

If we are going to have a crack based on religion then these guys need a run:

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.

Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest.

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, "Thank you."

Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?"
Master: "Ask that post over there."
Disciple: "I don't understand"
Master: "Neither do I."

Q: How do I become a Lama?
A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.

Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.

Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.

Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

Sailor Steve · 05-10-10, 11:04 PM

@ OTH's edit:

@ Platapus "Only in America":

@ TLAM Strike:

Yeah, that one got me good.

Sailor Steve · 05-10-10, 11:06 PM

Now I have to steal one I heard from Jimbuna.

I'm an American, and I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

UnderseaLcpl · 05-11-10, 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

I'm an American, and I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

That'd be a lot funnier if I hadn't heard something remarkably similar in an actual conversation

---------------------------------------------------

Ok, we've had some American jokes, so now I shall unleash the arsenal of democracy against the rest of the world!

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q:What's the difference between a Russian fairy tale and an English fairy tale?
A:English fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time". Russian fairy tales begin with "Soon..."

Q:Why did Comrade Stalin wear boots instead of shoes, as comrade Lenin did?
A:When Lenin was alive, the USSR was only ankle-deep in s***.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. Fu got sent back to China.

Q: Are German jokes funny?
A: Ja, ze have vays to make you laugh.

Q:Why does Undersealcpl use Q&A jokes?
A:Because T&A was not available.

Sailor Steve · 05-11-10, 12:13 AM

Two Koreans are standing on a street corner in Los Angeles. The first Korean looks at his buddy and says "On chawa tai kai ontak mo no..."

The other Korean scowls at him and says "We in America now! Speak Spanish!"

World War Two:

A pilot lands on his carrier, leaps out of the cockpit and runs across the flight deck, up the ladders and into the Captain's Stateroom without knocking. He snaps to attention and almost shouts his report: "Sir! I wish to report a perfect mission! I dropped both bombs on a Jap destroyer, and both were hits! As she was sinking I went back and strafed about a hundred of the little yellow *&$#)@$% in the water! Sir!"

Slowly the Captain puts down his newspaper, smiles and says "Ah-so. Onry make-a one mistake..."

05-10-10, 07:03 PM	#4
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,360 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	How about some lawyer humour? A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $18.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $150 due for a consultation. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-11-10, 12:30 AM	#6
nikimcbee Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Patroling the Slot. Posts: 17,952 Downloads: 90 Uploads: 0	__________________

05-10-10, 11:04 PM	#9
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	@ OTH's edit: @ Platapus "Only in America": @ TLAM Strike: Yeah, that one got me good. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-10-10, 11:06 PM	#10
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Now I have to steal one I heard from Jimbuna. I'm an American, and I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-11-10, 12:13 AM	#12
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Two Koreans are standing on a street corner in Los Angeles. The first Korean looks at his buddy and says "On chawa tai kai ontak mo no..." The other Korean scowls at him and says "We in America now! Speak Spanish!" World War Two: A pilot lands on his carrier, leaps out of the cockpit and runs across the flight deck, up the ladders and into the Captain's Stateroom without knocking. He snaps to attention and almost shouts his report: "Sir! I wish to report a perfect mission! I dropped both bombs on a Jap destroyer, and both were hits! As she was sinking I went back and strafed about a hundred of the little yellow *&$#)@$% in the water! Sir!" Slowly the Captain puts down his newspaper, smiles and says "Ah-so. Onry make-a one mistake..." __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-10-10, 07:44 PM	#5
antikristuseke Silent Hunter Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Estland Posts: 4,330 Downloads: 3 Uploads: 0	Why did princess Diana cross the road? She was not wearing a seat belt. --- What was princess Dianas favorite shampoo? Head and shoulders, after the crash hers were splatered all over the dashboard --- When a black guy and a jew jump off the empire state building at the same time, who wins? Society. --- What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand? Not ennough sand. --- Child obesity is becoming a serious problem for pedophiles, sure they are easyer to catch, but who wants to fiddle with a fatty? --- What is charred,black and siting at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. Edit: Some of these may have been posted allready, im too lazy to read everything here.

05-11-10, 02:25 AM	#7
Dowly Lucky Jack Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 25,052 Downloads: 32 Uploads: 0	LMAO @Antikristuseke

05-11-10, 02:35 AM	#8
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	If we are going to have a crack based on religion then these guys need a run: Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners? A: Because they have no attachments. Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything. Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher? A: M.T. Ness Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they are the light bulb. Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it. Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Tree falling in the forest. Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? A: He enters Nerdvana. Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday? A: Nothing. Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return? A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the giver replied, "Thank you." Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?" Master: "Ask that post over there." Disciple: "I don't understand" Master: "Neither do I." Q: How do I become a Lama? A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years. Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money. Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow? A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear. Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands? A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul. Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday? A: May you have many happy returns.