2015 Subsim Fantasy Football Reports

[Gut Wrench]

2015 Subsim Fantasy Football
...are your balls big enough?

Here we go again fans. It's late August and the new Commissioner of the Subsim Fantasy Football league is asking if you've got enough inflated balls to last sixteen weeks? Do you have what it takes to pass on the 1 yard line, and do you have the audacity to stick around long enough to win the Torpedo Bowl in the last two minutes of Monday night?

If that sounds like your type of pretend football, then you're our type of pretend coach, as once again, we kick off the longest season of the year, talking smack about people who should have but didn't, and wondering why people who shouldn't have, did. Stand by folks, it's the 2015 Subsim Fantasy Football League.

But before we do anything else, here's the most important message you will hear this week.


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On with the Fantasy Football show.

This year we have a new Interim Commissioner, some guy from Australia that talks with a funny accent. It's our first international Commissioner, coming two years after the Helmand Nighthawks became the first international team to take the Torpedo Bowl out of the continuous states. We welcome Commissioner Pioneer, and bid Commissioner McBee some well earned "bed rest" in the Emperor's Room at Ceasers Palace where he will be reviewing next years league with the Playboy Bunnies.

Let's talk about what we know, and what we didn't know. Last year, the most unlikely team came from no where in the final two minutes of Monday Night to win the 2014 Subsim Fantasy Football League, Coach FYC and the Black Cats. The Cats are back again this year, not just wimpy pussies but clawing their Torpedo Bowl trophy. We have six returning teams to the league this year, not unexpected given the new Commissioner's lack of record.

"Screw you guys," the media reports Commissioner Pioneer as stating. "This is an elite league, not every Captain can join."

Indeed, over the years we've had one off appearances, such as Tarjack and Co, also from Australia, who to this day still gets talked about his first round draft choice of he 49ers defense. Any Captain from Subsim can still join prior to draft day.

And let's talk about draft day. Draft Day for the Subsim Fantasy Football League is a week away, scheduled for 1000 Saturday September 5 2015. The location of the draft has been announced, and this year Commissioner Pioneer is taking us to, the Fontaineblue Hotel, Miami Beach, Florida.





This location was originally "scoped" out by Commissioner McBee, and given the late appointment by Pioneer, he just wrote a check from a Clinton Foundation donation and booked out the hotel.

The venue is booked, the teams are coming, the girls will be available, and no one has to spend a cent thanks to the generosity of the league. Sounds like a good time to be had, as once again, we go through sixteen of the most frustrating weeks of the year, in the race to the 2015 Torpedo Bowl.

[Gargamel]

Originally Posted by Gut Wrench

...such as Tarjack and Co, also from Australia, who to this day still gets talked about his first round draft choice of he 49ers defense...

Hehehehehehe..... I was just talking about that at work the other day...

But first, Gut, we need to know a little about you. Does Neal keep you in a closet during the offseason?

[Gut Wrench]

HERE WE GO
...it's showtime!

The draft is over,. The Black Cats got the first pick of the draft, Coach Casey had the best draft report, and seven days after the draft I'm just now surfacing after drinking all of the beer. Many thanks to Commissioner Pioneer for making available airfare after I somehow mislaid mine.

My head may still be hurting, but not enough to not tell you about this.


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Week 1 - let's get this show on the road.

Here's what we know already - who didn't show up to the draft. Oh - the waiver wire was active this week as those Coaches who became over enamored with the Showgirls at the Fontainblue Hotel in Miami, Florida.

Our match of the week, far better than anything you may seen on any other channel, is the Black Cats hosting the Helmand Nighthawks. The Cats are the defending Torpedo Bowl champions and start their repeat campaign, and their first meeting of the year is against the London based Helman Nighthawks. This looks like one of the better match ups for the year, let alone in week one, where the bookies are predicting you will need 110 points each week to secure a win.

Stick around folks, where I'll be attending not one, but two Monday night games on opposites sides of the country - which no doubt will result in a late publication.

It's showtime in Subsim Fantasy Football League for 2015, and the run to December for the Torpedo Bowl.

[Gut Wrench]

BOOM GO THE GUNNERS
Cats Blackened.

Week 1 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and what an opening what it was. We've got a monster scoring spree by one team, not enough points by our defending champion, and for one team, their first opening week loss in the history of Fantasy Football.

Strap yourself in, as we go around the league and find out who got Romo-ed.

Right after we give you the most important message you'll hear today.

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I love the smell of scoreboards after week 1. Spectators have gone home, sports writers are putting their blurb together, and coaches are looking at their team asking "Bernanrd, what happened?"

Let's start with our match of the day with the Black Cats hosting the traveling Helmand Nighthawks. The Cats are the defending Torpedo Bowl Champions, and after a very purring off season, returned to the draft and were...fair. The Nighthawks make their first Rod Stewart Atlantic Crossing as they fly in to the rambunctious Cats Field. After contract negotiations, Tom Brady eventually won the starters job for the Nighthawks against the Cats Peyton Manning. Brady threw for four touchdowns before Peyton even walked into the stadium late in the fourth quarter. With a poor performance by their QB, it was up to the Cats Defense of the Panthers who showed up with 21 points, the best starting defense of the week. This game was all over before we even got to Monday Night, with the Cats facing a 40 point deficit before their first pick of the draft, Adrian Peterson (RB) even walked onto the field. The Nighthawks were playing Demarco Murray opposite Peterson, and the beat writers had this one put to bed before they ran onto the field. Nighthawks stun the Black Cats 141 - 78, and give rise to the question of "How long will Coach FYC put up with a substandard Peyton-formance?"

(Editors note: Peyton Manning, cut from The Black Cats Monday afternoon before the start of the last two games of the weekend. )

The predicted closet game of the weekend saw the Australian Taipans take their shortest "away" trip at 8000 miles. The Taipans are the most traveled team in the league, were hosted by the Who Dat Nation in Oregon. This was billed as one of the closest matches of the year with a fine sliver being placed between the two by bookies in Vegas. The Taipans were in good shape early Thursday night after Antonio Brown (WR) scored 33 points. The Nations running back duo of Mark Ingram and Chris Ivory did all the damage though, scoring a combined 43 points to the Taipans running backs 21. Having pulled ahead, it was only a matter of "how much" before the Nation last WR, Julio Jones took to the field to put the game out of reach. The Taipans loose their first opening weekend game in the past six year to the Sophomore Who Dat Nation Team. Final score, Who Dat Nation 182 Australian Taipans 153. Both numbers are impressive winning and losing scores.

The past few years, I have watched Coach Casey and his Guns of Hoculi team become one of the dominate forces in pretend football. He drafts well, rarely trades, selects the right players, and historically, has some huge scores. Monstrous scores. And this weekend was no different. On opening day the Gunners were hosting the Drunk Monkeys, a team they are well versed at seeing the red of their ....ummm....candy apples. Monkeys come in guided by QB Ben Rothlisberger. Unfortunately, fantasy football is a team sport, and their Kicker Adam Vinatieri and the Defense of the Bengals scored for a combined 1 point. Gunners put their stamp on this game early with no less than three players scoring above thirty points. Shut the front door, the Monkeys were spanked early and the Gunners run away to generate a very impressive gap. (Commissioner McBee would have been proud to see this happen in his league.) Gunner stomp the Monkeys and put their authority on the league with a frightening win 169 - 136.

Already there is talk behind the stadium of who can stop the Gunners.

Next week's match of the day we travel to the Gunners home town where they host the Who Dat Nation. Both teams will be coming off impressive week 1 results, and one of these teams is in position to take an outright lead on the league, and it's only week 2. Both teams scored an impressive amount of points in week one, can they back it up in one of the most anticipated shootouts of the season.

So the league standings at the end of week 1 are, half the teams won, half the teams lost.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

It was hard to pass up the Monday night performance of 9 receptions for 141 yards and 2 touchdowns, for a total of 41.10 points Accordingly, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Julio Jones of the Who Dat Nation, the Week One MVT.

[CaptainHaplo]

The "Sheriff" really should have put up his spurs. I was worried about Peyton after the end of last year. Watching some film shows he has gotten gun shy - flinching in the pocket, not going through his progressions and not having the zip on the ball that he used to have. I hate it for the guy, but between the offensive line he has (talk about a double meaning there!) and his own football health issues, the Cats need to move on. His football IQ is still among the best, but its no longer enough to compensate for a body that has spent one year too long in the pocket.

Sadly - my RB's just didn't perform either. Congrats to the Taipans for putting what will likely be the biggest butt-whoopin of the year on the Cats. But its one game - so we just have to get better next week!

[Gut Wrench]

CATS CLAW OUT A VICTORY
Monkeys Spank Themselves.

Week 2 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. We find out which team can score a lot of points and still not win a game, which team got out of jail with a win and which teams stand aloft of their division.

But before we award any accolades, it's time to award some accolades on the very people who bring you one of the finest season in fantasy football.


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Let's go around the grounds on this weekends matches and find out where our best game of the week was and will be next week.

Our match of the day this week was the Guns of Hoculi hosting the slightly adjusted naming rights, Who Dat Nations Rises. The Gunners after a big week 1 win on the road come home for their opening stand against the Who Dat Nation. Winner potentially looking at sole ownership of the league lead. Gunners quarterback Aaron Rodger has an average day, but it was out on the wings where the receiving corps of O'Dell Beckam (WR) and Rob Gronkowsi (TE) did the damage, scoring 66 points, almost half of the entire team total. Beckham and Gronk (as he's known to his favorite sports writers) only combined for a total of two touchdowns, but had the receiving yards to give the Gunners enough lead. Julio Jones (WR) for the Nation had a matching day of yardage, but combined with the other two wide receivers of Jeremy Maclin and Jarvis Landy, just couldn't find the in zone to give the Nation enough points on the board. Gunners run out sizable winners 156 - 123

Across the pond in Wembley Stadium, the Helmand Nighthawks open their season against the colonists of the Australian Taipans. Emmanuel Sanders (WR) gave the Nighthawks an early lead when he jumped out and single handed scored 28 points, well above predictions, on Thursday night. On Sunday morning, the Nighthawks turned it on with the Dynamic Duo of Tom Brady and Julian Edelman combining for 73 points. The Taipans looked like they were going to return to Australia with nothing but Ashes, until their receivers finally showed up. Antonio Brown caught 9 receptions of 195 yards, 1 touchdown and a 2 point conversion. In any other league, 134 points might be winning score, but not in the Subsim League. In successive plays, the Taipans lost both Eddie Lacey (RB) and Jordan Cameron (TE) to not many points, and were never going to have enough venom to carry through. Nighthawks needed every point as the Taipans came back and made the score a little more respectable 171 - 148.

Week 2 and the thrillers have started, and the first of the Monday night rewrites. The Drunk Monkeys had their home stand opener, and upon arrival at the game, there was controversy right from the start. Wide receiver Alshon Jeffrey had been included in the run on team for the Monkeys, despite having been scratched on Friday. Playing one man down for the entire weekend left the Monkeys vulnerable to the defending champions, the Black Cats. Cats came through on the strength of Steve Smith (WR) to post a total of 128 points. Monkeys hung in there through Sunday night and arrived at Monday night trailing by 1.92 points. Still to play was Adam Vinatieri, the only kicker to have ever kicked a field goal at Candlestick Park from the Oakland Colosseum. Vinitieri lined up for this first kick of the night, a gift 2 points and hit the upright. A lack of scoring opportunities persisted for Vinitieri, leaving the Monkeys hanging by fractions of point. Black Cats get one on the back of a critical error, 128.28 - 126.70.

Next week's match of the day, we go on one of the longest away games of the year as we travel to see the Australian Taipans begin their season opening home stand with the Who Dat Nation. These two teams met in week 1, and I don't know who made the schedule but they are back again. The Taipans have played two games where record scores have been made against them, one by the Nation. The Nation, having suffered a loss at the hand of divisional rival the Gunners, seek to get back on equal footing with the league leaders at the hands of the Taipans.

So the league standings at the end of week 2 look like this. The two teams at the top of the divisions are the Guns of Hochuli and the Helmand Nighthawks. Two more teams are at .500% while at the bottom of the ladder, both the Taipans and the Drunk Monkeys are still looking for their first win.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

This is a passing league, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We have only to look at this weeks winner to substantiate that. For the effort of 466 yards and 3 touchdowns, for a total of 39.24 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Tom Brady of the Helmand Nighthawks, the Week Two MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

242 POINTS
Black Cats Put a Mauling On.

Week 3 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. Pull out your record books and mark this week as the one week you should have watched Coach Pioneer's recent Direct TV commercial and changed over to the Black Cats game. If you didn't, you missed one of the powerhouse displays ever displayed when the Cats surged over 120 points in the third quarter of the Sunday game.

Before we bring in the damage report, let's make sure that you all know what you have to do after reading this column.


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This week's match of the day was the Australian Taipans hosting the Who Dat Nation. In one of the most peculiar schedule arrangements this year, the Taipans met the Nation for the second time in three weeks, this time on the hallowed turf down under. The game was not without multiple Belichick like changes, with four combined changes between the two teams in the last two minutes on Thursday before the start of the first game. Taipans come out of Thursday night with the better productivity, and the two teams maintained an even distance between each other until Sunday morning. The Taipans stopped scoring late in the first game and the Nation capitalized and grabbed the lead, and were never headed. The Who Dat Nation for the second time in three weeks, outscore their predicted total by 33%. The gap was just too wide, once again, for the Taipans, who open the season at home with their third straight loss. Who Dat Nation convincing winners 185 - 149.

Around the time that the Taipans stopped scoring, the Black Cats opened up a can whoop ass and every network in the world, (and the one Martian in the broadcast area) all changed over the Gunners game. The Guns of Hochuli, league leaders were comfortable in front of the Black cats, despite having not scored a large total. The Cats however, in the space of one quarter, just annihilated the Gunner's, putting up over 150 points, more than two teams total scores for the entire weekend. The Cats, lead by QB Cam Newton, continued to pile on the points with no less that five players scoring above 30 points. The game was put out of reach of the Gunners in that one quarter, and they coasted throughout the remainder of the weekend, before coming back in garbage time Monday night to add respect to the score. Final score, Black Cats score a record number of points, and knock off the league leaders Guns of Hochuli by 242 - 170.

After the game, Coach F.Y.C. arrived at the media conference and gave the following message to those detractors who criticized his draft selection.

"Yeah, (bleep) how about that (bleep) score, hey? What a (bleep) running (bleep) (bleep) wide receivers (bleeped) and they (bleep) tore through (bleep) the (bleep). (Bleep) you (bleep)."

Well spoken Coach.

The shock of the Black Cats score had implications across the pond where the Helmand Nighthawks were hosting the Drunk Monkeys. The Monkeys, who only arrived on Baboon Airways hours before the game due to English quarantines regulations, were ill prepared when their ace QB, Ben Roethlisberger went down in the game with a bruised ego. The Monkeys, already suffering from a couple of low scoring efforts from the Patriots Defense (5 points) and Jeremy Hill (RB, 2 points) that the injury handed the game to the Nighthawks. The Nighthawks continued to play their starters, and by Sunday afternoon, this game was out of reach as Randall Cobb (WR) scored over 35 points in garbage time Monday night. Helmand Nighthawks as expected defeat the Drunk Monkeys 166 - 128 and advance to 3-0.

Now, although we are only three weeks into the season, there are some intriguing developments in the league. Let's look at the table before we get to next weeks game.

Mister Chris and the Helmand Nighthawks are the only undefeated team in the league at 3-0, and hold a one game lead. Behind them, three teams are tied at 2-1, the Guns of Hochuli, the Who Dat Nation and the Black Cats. The Gunners hold the tie breaker having won 2-0 within their division. The Who Dat Nation have the same divisional record as the Black Cats of 0-1, but have slightly outscored the Black Cats. The Black Cats, on the strength of their record breaking score (I am still stunned) put them back in the hunt on for and against. At the bottom of the league, both the Australian Taipans and the Drunk Monkeys are yet to record a win at 0-3. The Monkeys have scored 100 points less than divisional rivals the Gunners and the Who Dat Nation. The Taipans, however, have scored about the same number of pints as divisional leaders Nighthawks, but, have had more than 200 points scored against them. Over in the Sub Skimmers Division, they're already talking smack about the Nighthawks soft schedule, and are making plans to take three of the four play positions.

We love it when one division talks smack about the other, then have to meet the next week. And so it is, next week's match of the day, we go back across the Atlantic to the Helmand Nighthawks hosting the Guns of Hochuli. The Nighthawks are in a unique position to put the Gunners two games behind one third of the way through the season. The Gunners, smiting after the Black Cats ran up a cricket score against them, are looking to tighten up the league and take the first tie breaker if they beat the Nighthawks. It looks to be a offensive (scoring) game as the Colonials try to take back the Crown.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

There's only one team who truly deserved the award this week, but there were so many eligible candidates throughout the team. For the first time ever, the vote for this weeks award had to go to a tiebreaker, and we had to call for divine intervention.



Thank you your Eminence.

For the effort of 10 receptions for 227 yards and 2 touchdowns, for a total of 50.07 points (and was still not the highest individual score of the week) , the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present A.J. Green of the Black Cats, the Week Three MVT.

[Gargamel]

All my blue chips have died.....

[Gut Wrench]

WHO DAT STUMBLES
Drunk Monkeys and Taipans finally win one.

Week 4 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. Finally, we get the cellar dwellers on the board with wins, as we see less of the OMG scores and more of the WTF frustration, and some peculiar results tighten up the league.

Let's get the microscope out and examine the evidence we have before us, right after you check out this important message.


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Last week, Coach FYC stood proud, met the media, and the result was a private chat from the Commissioner for having a potty mouth...on air. The Cats, defending Torpedo Bowl Champions, looked to have their season back on track when they opened up a can of whoop ass and scored 242 points . The ASW writers checked into other leagues, there has never been a score seen like that before. But, as we known, on any given Sunday, even a 0-3 team like the Drunk Monkeys can show up, and your team can go for a banana peel ride before you know it. This week, the Monkeys were one of two teams that really needed a win. The Monkeys, a little off put by the performance of the Cats last week, stood firm. The Cats, perhaps affected by the abundant Catnip inhaled this week, arrived light headed and left Doug Martin (RB) sitting on the bench with 37 points. That one move would have won the game as Golden Tate (WR) needed to accumulate 10 points on Monday night, but only came up with 6. Drunk Moneys, after a week where Coach Gargamel was bemoaning his blue chip players, finally gets a win and moves to 1-3 with a 124.56 - 120.16 win over the Cats.

The most interesting tactical game of the week took place even before the first play was run. For the second time in three weeks, the Australian Taipans met the Guns of Hochuli. The Gunners, red hot favorites, were faced with some interesting choices. The Gunners were meeting the Taipans with their starting TE and K were on byes. Coach Casey had drafted Zac Ertz (TE) but had not drafted a second kicker. (and why would you?) However, I noticed that the Coach decided to start his kicker (who was on a bye) rather than chance cutting one of his bench team (Shrewd!). The move almost paid off until Marshawn Lynch (RB) been ruled unfit to play after the start of Sunday morning games. His only other RB, Alfred Morris had already played on Thursday night, and was on the bench. The Gunners had put up a low score compared to prior weeks, but the Taipans, who have had more points scored against them, needed every part of that concession. They struggled to get over the line with two QB fumbles from Russell Wilson, before finally get their first win of the season. Taipans get lucky and beat the Gunners 95.58 - 92.06 to finally get to 1-3.

Our match of the day was a smack talking Who Dat Nation and the Helmand Nighthawks. Again, another example of too many points left on the bench with scores by Drew Brees (QB - 30) and Devonte Freeman (RB-37) being left behind. The Nighthawks, having already heard that the Gunners were in trouble, moved out to score the most points lead by Le'Veon Bell (RB) with 34 points. That one score represented the majority of the final score differential. Helmand Nighthawks shut the Who Dat smack down 127 - 88.

While the two teams at the bottom of the ladder finally got their first win of the season, it was the loss that their opposition experienced that has made the league interesting.

The Helmand Nighthawks at 4-0 stand as the only undefeated team in the league, and now hold a two game league over everybody. The Guns of Hochuli, Black Cats and the Who Dat Nation make a three way tie at 2-2, but they are in danger as both the Drunk Monkeys and the Australian Taipans get their first wins and finally move to 1-3, now just a game behind thanks to some fortunate results. What once was seen as a Guns of Hochuli league to loose, has now shifted over to the Helmand Nighthawks.

So what does that mean for week five in the Subsim League? With both of the 1-3 teams, the Taipans and Drunk Monkeys set to meet next week, the real interest is in which team will be knocked down to the bottom of the ladder when the Who Dat Nation hosts the Black Cats. The Black Cats have scheduled almost their entire team on a bye in week 5, so to make up a minimum team, coach FYC is going to have head to the waiver wire. We'll go back to Oregon to find out if the Cats have enough guts in them to cut players to make a team in our match of the week.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

Unlike the previous week where there were plenty of candidates, this week was a little scarce. However, we found our nominee making for the first repeat team winner of the year. For the effort of 11 receptions for 83 yards and 1 touchdown, for a total of 25.30 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Martellus Bennett of the Helmand Nighthawks, the Week Four MVT.