2015 Subsim Fantasy Football Reports
 

2015 Subsim Fantasy Football
...are your balls big enough?

Here we go again fans. It's late August and the new Commissioner of the Subsim Fantasy Football league is asking if you've got enough inflated balls to last sixteen weeks? Do you have what it takes to pass on the 1 yard line, and do you have the audacity to stick around long enough to win the Torpedo Bowl in the last two minutes of Monday night?

If that sounds like your type of pretend football, then you're our type of pretend coach, as once again, we kick off the longest season of the year, talking smack about people who should have but didn't, and wondering why people who shouldn't have, did. Stand by folks, it's the 2015 Subsim Fantasy Football League.

But before we do anything else, here's the most important message you will hear this week.


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On with the Fantasy Football show.

This year we have a new Interim Commissioner, some guy from Australia that talks with a funny accent. It's our first international Commissioner, coming two years after the Helmand Nighthawks became the first international team to take the Torpedo Bowl out of the continuous states. We welcome Commissioner Pioneer, and bid Commissioner McBee some well earned "bed rest" in the Emperor's Room at Ceasers Palace where he will be reviewing next years league with the Playboy Bunnies.

Let's talk about what we know, and what we didn't know. Last year, the most unlikely team came from no where in the final two minutes of Monday Night to win the 2014 Subsim Fantasy Football League, Coach FYC and the Black Cats. The Cats are back again this year, not just wimpy pussies but clawing their Torpedo Bowl trophy. We have six returning teams to the league this year, not unexpected given the new Commissioner's lack of record.

"Screw you guys," the media reports Commissioner Pioneer as stating. "This is an elite league, not every Captain can join."

Indeed, over the years we've had one off appearances, such as Tarjack and Co, also from Australia, who to this day still gets talked about his first round draft choice of he 49ers defense. Any Captain from Subsim can still join prior to draft day.

And let's talk about draft day. Draft Day for the Subsim Fantasy Football League is a week away, scheduled for 1000 Saturday September 5 2015. The location of the draft has been announced, and this year Commissioner Pioneer is taking us to, the Fontaineblue Hotel, Miami Beach, Florida.


http://exp.cdn-hotels.com/hotels/200...0549_120_z.jpg


This location was originally "scoped" out by Commissioner McBee, and given the late appointment by Pioneer, he just wrote a check from a Clinton Foundation donation and booked out the hotel.

The venue is booked, the teams are coming, the girls will be available, and no one has to spend a cent thanks to the generosity of the league. Sounds like a good time to be had, as once again, we go through sixteen of the most frustrating weeks of the year, in the race to the 2015 Torpedo Bowl.

Hehehehehehe..... I was just talking about that at work the other day...

But first, Gut, we need to know a little about you. Does Neal keep you in a closet during the offseason?

HERE WE GO
...it's showtime!

The draft is over,. The Black Cats got the first pick of the draft, Coach Casey had the best draft report, and seven days after the draft I'm just now surfacing after drinking all of the beer. Many thanks to Commissioner Pioneer for making available airfare after I somehow mislaid mine.

My head may still be hurting, but not enough to not tell you about this.


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Week 1 - let's get this show on the road.

Here's what we know already - who didn't show up to the draft. Oh - the waiver wire was active this week as those Coaches who became over enamored with the Showgirls at the Fontainblue Hotel in Miami, Florida.

Our match of the week, far better than anything you may seen on any other channel, is the Black Cats hosting the Helmand Nighthawks. The Cats are the defending Torpedo Bowl champions and start their repeat campaign, and their first meeting of the year is against the London based Helman Nighthawks. This looks like one of the better match ups for the year, let alone in week one, where the bookies are predicting you will need 110 points each week to secure a win.

Stick around folks, where I'll be attending not one, but two Monday night games on opposites sides of the country - which no doubt will result in a late publication.

It's showtime in Subsim Fantasy Football League for 2015, and the run to December for the Torpedo Bowl.

BOOM GO THE GUNNERS
Cats Blackened.

Week 1 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and what an opening what it was. We've got a monster scoring spree by one team, not enough points by our defending champion, and for one team, their first opening week loss in the history of Fantasy Football.

Strap yourself in, as we go around the league and find out who got Romo-ed.

Right after we give you the most important message you'll hear today.

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I love the smell of scoreboards after week 1. Spectators have gone home, sports writers are putting their blurb together, and coaches are looking at their team asking "Bernanrd, what happened?"

Let's start with our match of the day with the Black Cats hosting the traveling Helmand Nighthawks. The Cats are the defending Torpedo Bowl Champions, and after a very purring off season, returned to the draft and were...fair. The Nighthawks make their first Rod Stewart Atlantic Crossing as they fly in to the rambunctious Cats Field. After contract negotiations, Tom Brady eventually won the starters job for the Nighthawks against the Cats Peyton Manning. Brady threw for four touchdowns before Peyton even walked into the stadium late in the fourth quarter. With a poor performance by their QB, it was up to the Cats Defense of the Panthers who showed up with 21 points, the best starting defense of the week. This game was all over before we even got to Monday Night, with the Cats facing a 40 point deficit before their first pick of the draft, Adrian Peterson (RB) even walked onto the field. The Nighthawks were playing Demarco Murray opposite Peterson, and the beat writers had this one put to bed before they ran onto the field. Nighthawks stun the Black Cats 141 - 78, and give rise to the question of "How long will Coach FYC put up with a substandard Peyton-formance?"

(Editors note: Peyton Manning, cut from The Black Cats Monday afternoon before the start of the last two games of the weekend. )

The predicted closet game of the weekend saw the Australian Taipans take their shortest "away" trip at 8000 miles. The Taipans are the most traveled team in the league, were hosted by the Who Dat Nation in Oregon. This was billed as one of the closest matches of the year with a fine sliver being placed between the two by bookies in Vegas. The Taipans were in good shape early Thursday night after Antonio Brown (WR) scored 33 points. The Nations running back duo of Mark Ingram and Chris Ivory did all the damage though, scoring a combined 43 points to the Taipans running backs 21. Having pulled ahead, it was only a matter of "how much" before the Nation last WR, Julio Jones took to the field to put the game out of reach. The Taipans loose their first opening weekend game in the past six year to the Sophomore Who Dat Nation Team. Final score, Who Dat Nation 182 Australian Taipans 153. Both numbers are impressive winning and losing scores.

The past few years, I have watched Coach Casey and his Guns of Hoculi team become one of the dominate forces in pretend football. He drafts well, rarely trades, selects the right players, and historically, has some huge scores. Monstrous scores. And this weekend was no different. On opening day the Gunners were hosting the Drunk Monkeys, a team they are well versed at seeing the red of their ....ummm....candy apples. :D Monkeys come in guided by QB Ben Rothlisberger. Unfortunately, fantasy football is a team sport, and their Kicker Adam Vinatieri and the Defense of the Bengals scored for a combined 1 point. Gunners put their stamp on this game early with no less than three players scoring above thirty points. Shut the front door, the Monkeys were spanked early and the Gunners run away to generate a very impressive gap. (Commissioner McBee would have been proud to see this happen in his league.) Gunner stomp the Monkeys and put their authority on the league with a frightening win 169 - 136.

Already there is talk behind the stadium of who can stop the Gunners.

Next week's match of the day we travel to the Gunners home town where they host the Who Dat Nation. Both teams will be coming off impressive week 1 results, and one of these teams is in position to take an outright lead on the league, and it's only week 2. Both teams scored an impressive amount of points in week one, can they back it up in one of the most anticipated shootouts of the season.

So the league standings at the end of week 1 are, half the teams won, half the teams lost.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

It was hard to pass up the Monday night performance of 9 receptions for 141 yards and 2 touchdowns, for a total of 41.10 points Accordingly, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Julio Jones of the Who Dat Nation, the Week One MVT.


http://i654.photobucket.com/albums/u...neerXI/MVT.jpg

The "Sheriff" really should have put up his spurs. I was worried about Peyton after the end of last year. Watching some film shows he has gotten gun shy - flinching in the pocket, not going through his progressions and not having the zip on the ball that he used to have. I hate it for the guy, but between the offensive line he has (talk about a double meaning there!) and his own football health issues, the Cats need to move on. His football IQ is still among the best, but its no longer enough to compensate for a body that has spent one year too long in the pocket.

Sadly - my RB's just didn't perform either. Congrats to the Taipans for putting what will likely be the biggest butt-whoopin of the year on the Cats. But its one game - so we just have to get better next week!

CATS CLAW OUT A VICTORY
Monkeys Spank Themselves.

Week 2 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. We find out which team can score a lot of points and still not win a game, which team got out of jail with a win and which teams stand aloft of their division.

But before we award any accolades, it's time to award some accolades on the very people who bring you one of the finest season in fantasy football.


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Let's go around the grounds on this weekends matches and find out where our best game of the week was and will be next week.

Our match of the day this week was the Guns of Hoculi hosting the slightly adjusted naming rights, Who Dat Nations Rises. The Gunners after a big week 1 win on the road come home for their opening stand against the Who Dat Nation. Winner potentially looking at sole ownership of the league lead. Gunners quarterback Aaron Rodger has an average day, but it was out on the wings where the receiving corps of O'Dell Beckam (WR) and Rob Gronkowsi (TE) did the damage, scoring 66 points, almost half of the entire team total. Beckham and Gronk (as he's known to his favorite sports writers) only combined for a total of two touchdowns, but had the receiving yards to give the Gunners enough lead. Julio Jones (WR) for the Nation had a matching day of yardage, but combined with the other two wide receivers of Jeremy Maclin and Jarvis Landy, just couldn't find the in zone to give the Nation enough points on the board. Gunners run out sizable winners 156 - 123

Across the pond in Wembley Stadium, the Helmand Nighthawks open their season against the colonists of the Australian Taipans. Emmanuel Sanders (WR) gave the Nighthawks an early lead when he jumped out and single handed scored 28 points, well above predictions, on Thursday night. On Sunday morning, the Nighthawks turned it on with the Dynamic Duo of Tom Brady and Julian Edelman combining for 73 points. The Taipans looked like they were going to return to Australia with nothing but Ashes, until their receivers finally showed up. Antonio Brown caught 9 receptions of 195 yards, 1 touchdown and a 2 point conversion. In any other league, 134 points might be winning score, but not in the Subsim League. In successive plays, the Taipans lost both Eddie Lacey (RB) and Jordan Cameron (TE) to not many points, and were never going to have enough venom to carry through. Nighthawks needed every point as the Taipans came back and made the score a little more respectable 171 - 148.

Week 2 and the thrillers have started, and the first of the Monday night rewrites. The Drunk Monkeys had their home stand opener, and upon arrival at the game, there was controversy right from the start. Wide receiver Alshon Jeffrey had been included in the run on team for the Monkeys, despite having been scratched on Friday. Playing one man down for the entire weekend left the Monkeys vulnerable to the defending champions, the Black Cats. Cats came through on the strength of Steve Smith (WR) to post a total of 128 points. Monkeys hung in there through Sunday night and arrived at Monday night trailing by 1.92 points. Still to play was Adam Vinatieri, the only kicker to have ever kicked a field goal at Candlestick Park from the Oakland Colosseum. Vinitieri lined up for this first kick of the night, a gift 2 points and hit the upright. A lack of scoring opportunities persisted for Vinitieri, leaving the Monkeys hanging by fractions of point. Black Cats get one on the back of a critical error, 128.28 - 126.70.

Next week's match of the day, we go on one of the longest away games of the year as we travel to see the Australian Taipans begin their season opening home stand with the Who Dat Nation. These two teams met in week 1, and I don't know who made the schedule but they are back again. The Taipans have played two games where record scores have been made against them, one by the Nation. The Nation, having suffered a loss at the hand of divisional rival the Gunners, seek to get back on equal footing with the league leaders at the hands of the Taipans.

So the league standings at the end of week 2 look like this. The two teams at the top of the divisions are the Guns of Hochuli and the Helmand Nighthawks. Two more teams are at .500% while at the bottom of the ladder, both the Taipans and the Drunk Monkeys are still looking for their first win.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

This is a passing league, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We have only to look at this weeks winner to substantiate that. For the effort of 466 yards and 3 touchdowns, for a total of 39.24 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Tom Brady of the Helmand Nighthawks, the Week Two MVT.


http://i654.photobucket.com/albums/u...neerXI/MVT.jpg

242 POINTS
Black Cats Put a Mauling On.

Week 3 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. Pull out your record books and mark this week as the one week you should have watched Coach Pioneer's recent Direct TV commercial and changed over to the Black Cats game. If you didn't, you missed one of the powerhouse displays ever displayed when the Cats surged over 120 points in the third quarter of the Sunday game.

Before we bring in the damage report, let's make sure that you all know what you have to do after reading this column.


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This week's match of the day was the Australian Taipans hosting the Who Dat Nation. In one of the most peculiar schedule arrangements this year, the Taipans met the Nation for the second time in three weeks, this time on the hallowed turf down under. The game was not without multiple Belichick like changes, with four combined changes between the two teams in the last two minutes on Thursday before the start of the first game. Taipans come out of Thursday night with the better productivity, and the two teams maintained an even distance between each other until Sunday morning. The Taipans stopped scoring late in the first game and the Nation capitalized and grabbed the lead, and were never headed. The Who Dat Nation for the second time in three weeks, outscore their predicted total by 33%. The gap was just too wide, once again, for the Taipans, who open the season at home with their third straight loss. Who Dat Nation convincing winners 185 - 149.

Around the time that the Taipans stopped scoring, the Black Cats opened up a can whoop ass and every network in the world, (and the one Martian in the broadcast area) all changed over the Gunners game. The Guns of Hochuli, league leaders were comfortable in front of the Black cats, despite having not scored a large total. The Cats however, in the space of one quarter, just annihilated the Gunner's, putting up over 150 points, more than two teams total scores for the entire weekend. The Cats, lead by QB Cam Newton, continued to pile on the points with no less that five players scoring above 30 points. The game was put out of reach of the Gunners in that one quarter, and they coasted throughout the remainder of the weekend, before coming back in garbage time Monday night to add respect to the score. Final score, Black Cats score a record number of points, and knock off the league leaders Guns of Hochuli by 242 - 170.

After the game, Coach F.Y.C. arrived at the media conference and gave the following message to those detractors who criticized his draft selection.

"Yeah, (bleep) how about that (bleep) score, hey? What a (bleep) running (bleep) (bleep) wide receivers (bleeped) and they (bleep) tore through (bleep) the (bleep). (Bleep) you (bleep)."

Well spoken Coach.

The shock of the Black Cats score had implications across the pond where the Helmand Nighthawks were hosting the Drunk Monkeys. The Monkeys, who only arrived on Baboon Airways hours before the game due to English quarantines regulations, were ill prepared when their ace QB, Ben Roethlisberger went down in the game with a bruised ego. The Monkeys, already suffering from a couple of low scoring efforts from the Patriots Defense (5 points) and Jeremy Hill (RB, 2 points) that the injury handed the game to the Nighthawks. The Nighthawks continued to play their starters, and by Sunday afternoon, this game was out of reach as Randall Cobb (WR) scored over 35 points in garbage time Monday night. Helmand Nighthawks as expected defeat the Drunk Monkeys 166 - 128 and advance to 3-0.

Now, although we are only three weeks into the season, there are some intriguing developments in the league. Let's look at the table before we get to next weeks game.

Mister Chris and the Helmand Nighthawks are the only undefeated team in the league at 3-0, and hold a one game lead. Behind them, three teams are tied at 2-1, the Guns of Hochuli, the Who Dat Nation and the Black Cats. The Gunners hold the tie breaker having won 2-0 within their division. The Who Dat Nation have the same divisional record as the Black Cats of 0-1, but have slightly outscored the Black Cats. The Black Cats, on the strength of their record breaking score (I am still stunned) put them back in the hunt on for and against. At the bottom of the league, both the Australian Taipans and the Drunk Monkeys are yet to record a win at 0-3. The Monkeys have scored 100 points less than divisional rivals the Gunners and the Who Dat Nation. The Taipans, however, have scored about the same number of pints as divisional leaders Nighthawks, but, have had more than 200 points scored against them. Over in the Sub Skimmers Division, they're already talking smack about the Nighthawks soft schedule, and are making plans to take three of the four play positions.

We love it when one division talks smack about the other, then have to meet the next week. And so it is, next week's match of the day, we go back across the Atlantic to the Helmand Nighthawks hosting the Guns of Hochuli. The Nighthawks are in a unique position to put the Gunners two games behind one third of the way through the season. The Gunners, smiting after the Black Cats ran up a cricket score against them, are looking to tighten up the league and take the first tie breaker if they beat the Nighthawks. It looks to be a offensive (scoring) game as the Colonials try to take back the Crown.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

There's only one team who truly deserved the award this week, but there were so many eligible candidates throughout the team. For the first time ever, the vote for this weeks award had to go to a tiebreaker, and we had to call for divine intervention.

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/...0289946285.jpg

Thank you your Eminence.

For the effort of 10 receptions for 227 yards and 2 touchdowns, for a total of 50.07 points (and was still not the highest individual score of the week) :o, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present A.J. Green of the Black Cats, the Week Three MVT.


http://i654.photobucket.com/albums/u...neerXI/MVT.jpg

All my blue chips have died..... :down:

WHO DAT STUMBLES
Drunk Monkeys and Taipans finally win one.

Week 4 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. Finally, we get the cellar dwellers on the board with wins, as we see less of the OMG scores and more of the WTF frustration, and some peculiar results tighten up the league.

Let's get the microscope out and examine the evidence we have before us, right after you check out this important message.


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Last week, Coach FYC stood proud, met the media, and the result was a private chat from the Commissioner for having a potty mouth...on air. The Cats, defending Torpedo Bowl Champions, looked to have their season back on track when they opened up a can of whoop ass and scored 242 points . The ASW writers checked into other leagues, there has never been a score seen like that before. But, as we known, on any given Sunday, even a 0-3 team like the Drunk Monkeys can show up, and your team can go for a banana peel ride before you know it. This week, the Monkeys were one of two teams that really needed a win. The Monkeys, a little off put by the performance of the Cats last week, stood firm. The Cats, perhaps affected by the abundant Catnip inhaled this week, arrived light headed and left Doug Martin (RB) sitting on the bench with 37 points. That one move would have won the game as Golden Tate (WR) needed to accumulate 10 points on Monday night, but only came up with 6. Drunk Moneys, after a week where Coach Gargamel was bemoaning his blue chip players, finally gets a win and moves to 1-3 with a 124.56 - 120.16 win over the Cats.

The most interesting tactical game of the week took place even before the first play was run. For the second time in three weeks, the Australian Taipans met the Guns of Hochuli. The Gunners, red hot favorites, were faced with some interesting choices. The Gunners were meeting the Taipans with their starting TE and K were on byes. Coach Casey had drafted Zac Ertz (TE) but had not drafted a second kicker. (and why would you?) However, I noticed that the Coach decided to start his kicker (who was on a bye) rather than chance cutting one of his bench team (Shrewd!). The move almost paid off until Marshawn Lynch (RB) been ruled unfit to play after the start of Sunday morning games. His only other RB, Alfred Morris had already played on Thursday night, and was on the bench. The Gunners had put up a low score compared to prior weeks, but the Taipans, who have had more points scored against them, needed every part of that concession. They struggled to get over the line with two QB fumbles from Russell Wilson, before finally get their first win of the season. Taipans get lucky and beat the Gunners 95.58 - 92.06 to finally get to 1-3.

Our match of the day was a smack talking Who Dat Nation and the Helmand Nighthawks. Again, another example of too many points left on the bench with scores by Drew Brees (QB - 30) and Devonte Freeman (RB-37) being left behind. The Nighthawks, having already heard that the Gunners were in trouble, moved out to score the most points lead by Le'Veon Bell (RB) with 34 points. That one score represented the majority of the final score differential. Helmand Nighthawks shut the Who Dat smack down 127 - 88.

While the two teams at the bottom of the ladder finally got their first win of the season, it was the loss that their opposition experienced that has made the league interesting.

The Helmand Nighthawks at 4-0 stand as the only undefeated team in the league, and now hold a two game league over everybody. The Guns of Hochuli, Black Cats and the Who Dat Nation make a three way tie at 2-2, but they are in danger as both the Drunk Monkeys and the Australian Taipans get their first wins and finally move to 1-3, now just a game behind thanks to some fortunate results. What once was seen as a Guns of Hochuli league to loose, has now shifted over to the Helmand Nighthawks.

So what does that mean for week five in the Subsim League? With both of the 1-3 teams, the Taipans and Drunk Monkeys set to meet next week, the real interest is in which team will be knocked down to the bottom of the ladder when the Who Dat Nation hosts the Black Cats. The Black Cats have scheduled almost their entire team on a bye in week 5, so to make up a minimum team, coach FYC is going to have head to the waiver wire. We'll go back to Oregon to find out if the Cats have enough guts in them to cut players to make a team in our match of the week.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

Unlike the previous week where there were plenty of candidates, this week was a little scarce. However, we found our nominee making for the first repeat team winner of the year. For the effort of 11 receptions for 83 yards and 1 touchdown, for a total of 25.30 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Martellus Bennett of the Helmand Nighthawks, the Week Four MVT.


http://i654.photobucket.com/albums/u...neerXI/MVT.jpg

NIGHTHAWKS SOAR
Who Dat Makes the Cats Pay

Week 5 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. Stay tuned as we go around the pretend grounds, taking in the top two pretend teams, the bottom two pretend teams, and the pretentious scores associated with all fabricated games.

We'll tell you who the new red hot favorite to win the league, who might be looking for a new coach, and thanks to Le'Veon Bell, our first Monday Night rewrite this year.


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It was a game of intrigue. The Black Cats were ready to go on the road to Oregon where the Who Nation Nation Rising was waiting for them. The biggest questions of the week would be who the Cats would start and sit. The Cats were filled with players who had preapproved absence requests in for this week to attend Frocks on the Foreshore, and it would bemoan coach FYC to let them all start. The Coach went to the waiver wire early in the week and picked up....absolutely nobody. Instead, he shuffled his players around to second and third stringers, even choosing not go give up his kicker and still play without any points from the boot, rather than give up his team.

Veteran commentator John Madden was questioned about this move and he responded, "Not seen that since the 2015 Lions. Boom."

And the Cats went boom too. While Doug Martin (RB) rushed for 42 points on his own, leaving both a kicker and a WR open with zero points meant the Cats were always going to have a furball. Who Dat Nation wins easily 142 - 105.

How about that lack luster bottom of the table clash between the Drunk Monkeys and the Australian Taipans. The official crowd attendance of that game was 12, and there were even talks that some of the spectators showed have got a start between these two 1-3 teams. The Drunk Monkeys coming off a narrow win, have consistently put up about 125 points a week. The Taipans, until this game have had having more points scored against them than any other team. Fortunately, the Monkeys, once again the model of consistency, scored the required amount and put the Taipans away, handing off the wooden spoon. Drunk Monkeys get off the bottom of the ladder, outscoring the Taipans 124 - 97.

Looking at the Taipans, several outspoken media representatives have commented on their fall from grace.

Cowboy Neal said "All I wanted for my birthday was a Taipan win."

(Editors note: Happy Birthday Neal from the Associated Subsim Writers, the check is in the mail. :D)

Now, we get to the most interesting game of the week. The Helmand Nighthawks, looking for the Immaculate Season, rode into town to duel the Guns of Hochuli. The Gunners, early picks for the league champion, have stumbled lately. Two weeks ago they were beaten by the highest score ever seen in the league, and last week they were barely beaten by the Taipans (who had no business winning anyway.) This week, they put their artillery on and battled the Nighthawks.

The Nighthawks, week after week, have had multiple stars shine with record games, and this was no exception. QB Tom Brady passed for 26 points, RB DeMarco Murray ran for 25 points, even the Cardinal defense scored 14 points for the Nighthawks. The Gunners, despite the effort of De Andrew Hopkins and O'Dell Beckam who combined for over 65 points, were let down by RB Alfred Morris, who scored a pitiful 1.5 points. That one player who failed to perform, cost the Gunners as they fall to their third straight loss, 167-146.

In a bizarre twist of scheduling, next week we go across the pond to see the Helmand Nighthawks host, umm, the Guns of Hochuli, again. Commissioner Pioneer in his first year screwed up the schedule and has these two teams playing each other in back to back weeks. While highly anticipated by the bookies, it does in fact leave the way open for the Gunners to rise or fall in the standings, depending on the earlier game being played between the Who Dat Nation. Just like this week, this match up may very well determine the #1 seeding at the end of the season. And we'll be there watching from the Press Box at Wembley Stadium, as the Helmand Nighthawks set about to stretch their two game lead.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 153 rushing yards, 7 receptions for 44 yards and 1 rushing touchdown, for a total of 38.70 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Da Vonte Freeman of the Who Nation Nation Rises the Week Five MVT.


http://i654.photobucket.com/albums/u...neerXI/MVT.jpg

PERFECT SEASON OVER
Gunners Fire Nighthawks

Week 6 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. The Perfect Season is over, and the 1972 Dolphins are popping the champagne. Not unexpected, the last of the big names has finally tasted defeat, in what is now being billed as the next Championship game.

We'll take you around the grounds as we put together the best highlights of the week, in the ultimate Fantasy Football League, here at Subsim....where we don't need no Force Awakens trailer, we have a better commercial.


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Where to start the week?

Let's go top end, Down Under as the Australian Taipans host the Black Cats. The Taipans were on a slide, quickly out of the play offs even though they are seven weeks away, if they were unable to get a win this week, they were putting themselves into a "must win everything and rely on help" just to make a play off appearance. The two part equation for the Taipans this week was to get the win and have their divisional rivals fall over. Coming into town after making the long Trans Atlantic flights (they went the wrong way) Coach FYC and the Black Cats sauntered into town just two weeks out from setting a league record (more on that later). Neither team started anybody on Thursday night, which appears to be rising trend, so their first players weren't available until Sunday morning. Coach Pioneer benched Andrew Luck (QB) and picked up Any Dalton. This turned out to be a key move as Dalton gave the Taipans the much needed touchdown conversations they had been missing in their recent losses. Not that the Cats came in with a star studded team, but again, I'm looking at the Cats who carry no less than 5 players contracted to the minor league team, the Carolina Panthers. The Cats suffered last week when their minor league contracts required a vacation day, and this week, it happened again. It was not until a late rally Sunday afternoon that the Cats Greg Olsen (TE) put some respectability back into the score. The game was over by Sunday night, with the Taipans outscoring the Cats by games end, and still having one player, Jordan Mathews (WR) to play on Monday Night. Taipans put the bite on the cats, winning 119 - 106, and suddenly, the Taipans are back in the hunt again if divisional rival Nighthawks loose.

Our Match of the Day was a ball tearer this week, the Helmand Nighthawks hosting the Guns of Hochuli. In one of the biggest screw ups by a new commissioner, these two teams play each other on back to back weeks. The Nighthawks came in and took the game from the Guns of Hochuli on their home field, and this week, the Gunners returned the favor to the Nighthawks, outscoring the Nighthawks by 45 points and almost amassing a score over 200 points. (Who says 120 points gets a win?) The Nighthawks, have had significantly less points scored against them when compared to the league, and while they were 5-0 prior to this game, the Gunners have lifted themselves to .500% by demolishing the Nighthawks. Is this a preview of the championship game later this year? Gunners stopped the Nighthawks from having a perfect season, convincingly taking the match 193 - 148. Nighthawks drop to 5-1 and with the Taipans win over the Black Cats, the Surface Skimmers division is a mess again.

Our third match of the week was the Who Dat Nation hosting the Drunk Monkeys. This was a game for the ages, one you will tell your children about, as you boast of watching Drunk Monkeys quarter back Phillip Rivers throw for over 500 yards and two touchdowns, and still lose the game. The Nations were the only team to play anybody on Thursday night, and had almost 80 points on the board before the rest of the league took the field. The Monkeys were playing from a red bottom behind throughout the whole game, as they swung from opportunity to opportunity, squandered on the field like a loose banana. In the post game aftermath, it turns out that Coach Garghamel not only played Rivers as QB, but also had the Packers Defense. Rookie mistakes like this make or break championships, and while this game wasn't close, you would hate for the most injury ridden team (the Monkeys) to loose a close one for that kind of mistake. The Who Dat Nation had plenty in the tank however, leaving over 90 points sitting on the bench with three players. Wow - their optimal line up this week would have scored over 210 points. (Where are these scores coming from?) What Dat Nation Rises, and suddenly, in the space of a week, the Sub Simmers division is open to anyone. Nations defeats the Monkeys 142 - 171 - 145.

Let's recap where the teams stand after six weeks of the most confusing season we've seen, since last year.

In the Surface Skimmers division, the Helmand Nighthawks own the league now at 5-1, one game clear of everybody. The Nighthawks are already 2-0 over divisional rivals, and have scored the second most points. They look comfortable with a two game lead. The Taipans with their win over the Black Cats, rise to the same 2-4 record, but the Taipans get the tie breaker for the win. The Taipans have suddenly vaulted up the league ladder from the cellar. The Black Cats, still impressive two weeks after a record score, are tied at the bottom of the ladder at 2-4.

In the Sub Simmers Division, the Who Dat Nation Rises at 4-2 hold a one game lead over the Guns of Hochuli. The Gunners, however, are 2-0 within the division, and just put the Nighthawks in a bunker with a huge score. One more game back, although sharing the bottom of the league with the Black Cats, are the Drunk Monkeys.

So it looks like, Nighthawks, Gunners and Who Dat are the three top tier teams, however, the middle tier also has the Who Dat Nation sharing with the Taipans and the Black Cats. The bottom tier has the Black Cats, Drunk Monkeys and Taipans. But none of this makes any difference with over seven weeks still to go in the league.

Next week we come back to the Homeland and held for the Guns of Hochuli home field. The Gunners at 3-3 will be meeting the Drunk Monkeys (2-4) The Gunners are probably the better team, but the number fo players on vacation, suspensions, drug rehab, and if Lamar Odum is on the team, resting comfortably in a brothel, the Gunners may have the work cut out for them. The Monkeys will need the win to reduce the tie breakers, as they are already 0-2 within the division.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 242 passing yards and 3 touchdowns, just picked up off the waiver wire this week, for a total of 27.52 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Andy Dalton of the Australian Taipans the Week Six MVT.

Next weeks report may be a little late getting written. The Associated Subsim Writers are taking a little trip to Talledega, Alabama for a motor racing event. They stay overnight and leave Birmingham Monday afternoon. They'll arrive home during the Monday Night game.


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DRUNK MONKEYS REGRET STARTERS
Gunners Steal One

Week 7 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and we are exactly half way through the regular season. For some teams, they are already planning post season games at home. For others, they are just trying to get to a winning percentage.

But the one thing that they all did this week was reach into those deep wallets and take care of the most important resource they have.


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As we go around the grounds this week, there's an air of familiarity rising from the great pumpkin patches besides these venues. This week, not only does Halloween fall on a Saturday night, but in the USA, clocks fall back this weekend. That's two good reasons to be extra vigilant as you make your way to this week end games.

But let's talk about the week end that just ended.

Oregon: For the third time in seven weeks, (we really need to send Commissioner Pioneer to a class on schedule management) the Who Dat Nation was hosting the Australian Taipans. The Nation come into the weekend at 4-2, with two wins against the Taipans already. The Nation Rises have had some huge scores pitted against the Taipans, while their other two wins were more traditional and not in the region of "record breaking". Not this week however, the Nation seems to have the Taipans number putting up another one of the largest scores seen in the league, which could have been even greater had they not started the game without a kicker.

"We don't need no stinking kicker to beat the Taipans," Coach Fuel for Blood said at a trash talking post game conference. "Let em bite us, we got the W."

The Taipans could do no better than their starting line up this week, and while beating their projected score, it still wasn't enough to get in front of the Who Dat nation. Nation takes their third win from the Taipans ("thanks for coming") 164 - 120.

England: Mister Chris and the Helmand Nighthawks have been the darlings of the league this year. They show up, they've scored more points than anyone else in the league, however, they only thing that still lingers is that the Nighthawks have not yet been tested. Of all the teams in the league, the Nighthawks can pay tribute to their defenses, having the least amount of points scored against them. Until we get a team that can step up and fly with the Nighthawks, we may never know if they have what it takes to win in a clinch.

This week, it wasn't even close. Hosting the Black Cats across the pond, the Cats came to town with no less than six players from the same feeder club, the Panthers. As an observer, I'm not convinced that this is the best team. But what do I know, I've never won the Subsim League, the Black Cats have. But not this week. Hellmand Nighthawks blow out the Black Cats 161 - 113 without raising a furball.

Homeland: We promised you a great match up and we got a great game - and it so could have had a different result which would have split the league. Mark this game folks, this is the game that the Drunk Monkeys let get away, and give the Guns of Hochuli a highly coveted divisional win. This game will haunt the Monkeys long after Saturday night has gone away.

The Gunners have, until last week, been a point scoring machine. In the last couple of weeks, they have stumbled and had some high scores put up against them, dropping them to almost .500% on points for and against. This week the Gunners ran the ball, threw the ball, and put up a respectable points tally. The Monkeys, however, must have been slipping on banana peels, they had three non starters in the game. Three! With a wide receiver, a running back and a defense out, the Monkeys handed off a potential 50 points head start to the Gunners. However, thanks to the some hard core work of Phillip Rivers (336 passing yards and 3 TD's) and Charcandrick West (110 rushing yards and 1 TD), the Monkeys were still in the game...until late Sunday night. They ran out of players, and came up about 15 yards short of winning the game. A thriller in the end, the Guns of Hochuli misfired, but still managed to lob one over and come away with a narrow win. Final score, Guns of Hochuli 116.5, Drunk Monkeys 114.64.

And it becomes the second game that the Monkeys have lost by less than 15 yards this year. Those fifteen yards in each game represent the difference between a winning record and their current standing.

At the halfway point of the season, let's recap each division and set ourselves for the second half of the year.

In the Surface Skimmers divisions, it's the Helmand Nighthawks leading both the division and the league at 6-1. The Nighthawks have scored more points than anyone else and are 3-0 on divisional games. Pending an implosion of magnitude, the Nighthawks will probably claim a play off berth with just two more wins. The Taipans and the Black Cats sit four games back (yikes) at 2-5, with the Taipans holding the divisional tie breaker. The Taipans look to be the better team, but the Black Cats are the defending champions. Both teams play off future, is uncertain.

In the Sub Simmers division, the Who Dat Nation on the strength of three big wins against the Taipans, have catapulted to the top of the division at 5-2. The Guns of Hochuli sit one game back at 4-3, however, the Gunners are 3-0 on divisional games, having already defeated the Nation once. The Drunk Monkeys, although they have the same record as the Black Cats and Taipans at 2-5, are still in the hunt within the division - but have some work to do.

So which game in week 8 provides the most juiciest match up? We come back to the Gunners home turf as they host the Who Dat Nation. The battle for the head of the division hots up as second and third place within the league meet for the second time. The Who Dat Nation has been beating up the other division, but the Gunners have a better divisional record. Both teams have a lot riding on the line not only if they win, but also if they lose based on other results. This will be a howling good game, which at this stage, appears will start on Thursday night with early game players.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

Wasn't too hard to pick this week winner. For the effort of 355 passing yards, 2 touchdowns and that very impressive career long rush for 15 yards, for a total of 38.20 points and becoming the first repeat player this season, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Tom Brady of the Helmand Nighthawks the Week Seven MVT.

(Editor's Note: I saw more television images of Gut Wrench popping up at Talledega this weekend than I have in the years he's been at Subsim. He was on Nascar Friday night, in the pits Saturday morning, on the wall during the Infinity race, behind the wall during the Sprint Cup race and in victory lane after the race.)


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GARGAMEL DRUNK OVER WIN
Cats Choke with 7 on Monday Night

Week 8 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and we get to show off one of the biggest upsets of the year. We'll talk about the biggest game this week that looked closer than the scoreline indicated, and we'll examine how one team got skinned alive...even though it took till well after midnight to finally resolve the last points of the week.

But before we resolve anything, we have to do this.


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The talk of my appearances at Talledega were much maligned, however, I did get a selfie with Danica.

Can anyone really stand in the way of the Nighthawks? The Taipans sure as hell can't. As the Taipans make their second journey on the longest away game ever, they land in jolly old England to take on the Nighthawks. The Nighthawks disposed of one divisional rival last week for the second time in the season, and were looking to make it two from two with the Taipans. The Taipans have been slithering down the league ladder week after week, sometimes just losing, other times getting skinned alive. This week, they were pecked, torn and quarter, like the colonial rebels that they are. Not even a luck luster game from Nighthawks T.Y. Hilton (WR) could stop the Helmand soar. Nighthawks continue their march toward greatness as they pummel the Taipans 133 - 88.

Who let the Drunk Monkeys come out and play? Does it matter when you score over 190 points in the weekend, and hold a 150 point lead on Monday night before seven (Count them - seven!) Black Cats finally show up? Oh my, this game was over before any protesters unfurled their banner. Monkeys begun on Thursday night with Dion Lewis (RB) on a double digit scoring blitz. Drunk Ass Monkeys lowest scoring receiver was Travis Kelce (TE) who scored more points than two wide receivers for the Black Cats combined. Combined!! Oh the humanity. Black Cats slip ever further back in the dank pit with the Taipans at the bottom of ladder as they succumb to a statement game from Coach Gargarmel.

"Yeay, how about them apples b******, screw you guys, I'm going home with a win."

Drunk Monkeys beat up the Black Cats 191, a record score for them, to Black Cats 106.

Our match of the day, saw the Guns of Hochuli hosting the Who Dat Nation Rises Again, umm, again. Gunners had the scare of their season last week when they nearly lost to the Drunk Monkeys in a close game. Coming home to host the Oregon Based Nation, this game could have been far worst than the close scoreline described. The Gunners left QB Eli Manning on the bench, who scored an incredible 54.50 points. :o Worst still, the Who Dat Nation left Drew Brees (QB) also on the bench, giving away 66.30 points. 66 points? :doh: The statisticians are still combined the history points to find out if any single player has scored that many points previously. (We don't think so.) Those two players, sitting on the interchange bench, could have changed the entire complex of the Sub Simmers division and the league. As it was, the Gunners get over the Who Dat Nation Rises 169 - 145, and advance to 5-3.

This weeks result upset the apple cart in the Sub Simmers division so we'll start there first. The win by the Guns of Hoculi puts them level with the Who Dat Nation, but, the Gunners are 4-0 within the division, while the Nation is only 1-2. Who Dat is going to have meet and beat both divisional rivals by the end of the season if they want to have a chance at the #2 seed. The win by the Drunk Monkeys lifts them to 3-5, and while two games behind, they have yet to win a divisional game at 0-3.

Over in the Surface Skimmers division, it's all Nighthawks soaring. The Nighthawks retain the #1 seed at 7-1, a two game lead over the league. The Nighthawks are about 1 and a half games out from securing the first play off seed. It's daylight second and then Taipans and the Black Cats at 2-6 tie off the bottom of the league. Both the Taipans and the Black Cats can still make the Championship bracket, but they really need to winning.

Week 9 comes down with the choice of which game to choose for match of the week. It is clearly the high scoring match up of the Helmand Nighthawks and the Guns of Hochuli. The Gunners will be hosting the Nighthawks in a major battle, which could end up deciding the leagues #1 seed, and began the elimination of teams from the play offs. We'll have all the action here next week, with all the broadcast news, and all the diabolic performances.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

We have only to look at the one player who kept their teams playof chances alive, despite not scoring a touchdown. For the effort of 8 receptions for 168 yards and 30.80 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Demarius Thomas of the Drunk Monkeys the Week Eight MVT.


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Yeah... that about says it better than I can....

NIGHTHAWKS OWN THE LEAGUE
Taipans Cling to Division

Week 9 in the Subsim Fantasy Football League, and finally, no body puts up a record breaking score against the Taipans. The Nighthawks put their stamp on a division, and the Gunners fall further back. The Cats show once again why the Nation are the better team, and this week, we get a special guest commentator.

But before we do anything else, here's the most important message you will hear all weekend.


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Apparently, some of the Managers still need some assistance with their teams, so this week, please welcome Mister Keyshawn Johnson as he introduces the Subsim variant of C'Mon Man.

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That's Gut Wrench, it's a pleasure to finally make an appearance in this column, and what a week to do it in.

Nighthawks - Gunners. Nighthawks start the game early and run in for a quick touchdown. The kicking team runs out on to the field, the ball is snapped, the holder holds, but where's the kicker? The kicker is no where to be seen. Nick Folk is sitting at London Airport after he missed the plane. Nighthawks don't kick anything on the weekend. C'mon man.

Who Dat Nation and the Black Cats. The Cats continue to play most of the Panthers contracted players. Except at Wide Receiver. Golden Tate is their number #1 receiver. First play of the weekend, quarterback Cam Newton, three step drop, long pass down the sideline to Goldern Tate. He's not there. Tate's sitting at London Airport with Nick Folk before he comes back from the bye. Pass incomplete. C'mon Man.

Drunk Monkeys and the Taipans. Taipans got this one, everyone's performing on the team, everyone except running back Eddie Lacy. Lacy starts for the Tapins, runs backwards, looses the ball and gets benched. Taipans get a negative score. They could have left Lacey at the airport with Golden Tate or Nick Folk and scored more points. What are you doing, C'mon Man.

Thanks to Keyshawn Johnson for his low lights of the weekend. Now onto the sports report.

Let's start with our match of the week and the implications that it brings to the league. Guns of Hochuli are at home against the Helmand Nighthawks. The Nighthawks are just running away with their division and taking the remainder of the league along for the ride. The Gunners look to be the better of two possible teams that could stop the Nighthawks. Nighthawks add De'Angelo Willams (RB) this week who score 44.50 points, and is still not the highest scorer of the week. But the Nighthawks needed every yard because the Gunners model of consistency stepped up with Aaron Rodgers (QB) scoring 45.46, still not the highest score of the weekend. Gunners got let down by running back Alfred Morris who ran for 10 years before bruising his ego, and stopped scoring at 1 point. Guns of Hochuli scored a lot of points but still fall short of defeating the Helmand Nighthawks. Nighthawks take their second win of the season against the Gunners 183 - 165, and move to within half a game of securing a play off berth.

Defending Torpedo Bowl Champions the Black Cats continue to ride on last years strength as they roll into Oregon. Cat quarter back Cam newton leads the team 40.58 points, but that too is still not the highest scorer of the weekend. On the other side of the 50 yard line, Who Dat Nation Rises quarterback Drew Brees scores 42.38 points to counter, also not the highest individual score of the week, just a week after scoring 60 plus points on the bench. The Nations wide receiving corp combined for over 61 points, which was just too far a reach for the Black Cats to crawl back against. Who Dat Nation Rises Again opens up a one game divisional lead by beating the Black Cats 163 - 129.

Final game of the week and what a game it was. Coach Gargamel and the Drunk Monkeys roll into Australia, still hammered from the previous weekend, and meet the Taipans. Taipans started the season losing narrowly everything, and have been just awful in the past few weeks. Not this week though, as the Taipans belted the Monkeys. This game started Thursday night with Andy Dalton (Taipans) throwing for over 26 points, but it was in their receiving corp that the Taipans finally showed some teeth, scoring between three receivers over 105 points - more than at least their entire score in one game. Late on Monday Monkeys close the gap with Phillip Rivers (QB) and Alshon Jeffrey (WR) scoring for a combined 47 points, but it wasn't enough. Taipans grab one of the cellar dwellers victories and keep the Surface Skimmers Division alive with a convincing 196-130 over the Monkeys.

"Strewth," Coach Pioneer was heard to say at the end of the game.

This weeks games create a little bit of havoc within the league, with one team dropping back unexpectedly, and one team winning unexpectedly. We're getting closer to the Thanksgiving Week, the longest week of football on the calendar, so we'll put both divisions in perspective now, which will help decide next weeks feature game.

In the Sub Siummers Division, the Who Dat Nation get a helping hand from the Nighthawks who drop the Guns of Hochuli one game back. The Nation leads the division 6-3, but the Gunners at 5-4 are 4-0 within the division. The Drunk Monkeys at 3-6 are still mathematically alive, but will need some help.

Over in the Surface Skimmers Division, it's all Nighthawks. The Nighthawks have all but wrapped up a play off berth at 8-1, but the win by the Taipans means that this division will not be decided until at least week 10. The Taipans at 3-6 sit five games back, and have lost the tie breaker. One more win to the Nighthawks or another loss by the Taipans will cement the Nighthawks either the #1 or #2 seeding, regardless of what happens in the remainder of the regular season. The Black Cats at 2-7, with six straight losses, own the cellar, and while the bottom is a three way battle, the Cats need the most help.

So, what does that mean for next weeks game. We go back across the pond as the Helmand Nighthawks host the Who Dat Nation Rises again. This game may well decide the #1 seed in the league at the end of the regular season. The Nighthawks need one more game to take the Surface Skimmers Division, while the Nation needs the win to stay in front of the Gunners 4-0 divisional record.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

This weeks award goes to a player who scored a lot of points, without getting into the inzone. For the effort of 17 receptions for 284 yards and 22 rushing yards for good measure, for the highest score of starter this year at 51.60 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Antonio Brown of the Australian Taipans the Week Nine MVT.


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