I just might swing at Nuremberg for this...

LiveGoat · 09-14-10, 02:21 AM

If I survive to the end of the war that is.

It was March, 1940 and I was at the mouth of the Dover Strait. My career started out promisingly in '39, what with all the single merchants just begging for it like drunken sorority girls. But after three or four patrols of bliss, the easy pickins' became slim. I was under pressure to perform, especially after two patrols in a row that came up empty handed due to duds and bad luck. Then came my next assignment: AN84. I arrived and dove for the night, ahead slow, constant hydrophone sweep. "We'll stay under until dawn" I mumbled.

Then, just before daybreak, a sound contact! A Merchant, medium speed, heading west. We plotted a course down her bearing and surfaced. "Give her all your juice, Chief!"

Shortly after surfacing, we found her, an Empire freighter heading from the Dutch Coast to England. Where the hell does she think she's going? They don't need no wooden shoes or tulips in England! We're ahead of her so it's as easy as falling off a log. We launch two bratwursts at her and she goes down after a bit. My string of bad luck was changing!

I ordered a west course, closer to the English coast. An hour later we spot another Empire-type freighter, this time heading toward Holland. Is it "toward" or "towards"? Anyway, I order another intercept, we plot her course and speed and once again get into an ideal attack angle. Gonna use them thar new fangled wakeless eels this time, with them magnetic detonators (two, to be precise) and have my last remaining old school eel as a backup in case the T2 models go bad. But that's not gonna happen, right?

Fire Tubes 1 and 3!

(long pause)

Well, she hadn't crossed the 0 bearing yet so I made a hasty recalculation with the AoBF and fired the old standby torp. This last eel was my "Billy Baru".

Tube 2 fired, sir!

(pause)

"Oh Billy! C'mon, Billy! Billy, Billy, Billy!"

KABOOM!

Right in her port bow in front of the bridge! She started listing, just like the sorority girl I knew she was! But after awhile I noticed she wasn't gonna go down. True she was listing, and indeed her bow was low (so low in fact, her forward deck was awash). But that was the limit of her state. I ordered a parallel course. "We'll shadow her and see what happens." Then I went below for some of Bernard's beetjuice/cream of wheat surprise. Two hours and three helpings later the watch officer coming off duty updated me on her status.

"She's not going down, sir."
"Not even a little?"
"No, sir."

I wiped my mouth, which was now red as a baboon's arse, and headed up the conning tower ladder.

There she was off our starboard no worse than I had left her, limping along at a slow speed due to her rudder and screw periodically bobbing into view but riding no deeper.

I stared at her with contempt. She was my potential Knight's Cross staring back at me. Mocking me. She was the white whale.

"The AA gun," I muttered.

"What, sir?" It was Bernard. He had slavishly followed me to the bridge; truley the Fool to my Lear.

"It's our usual last resort, isn't it?"
"Yes, Sir but we only use it on harbour tugs and-"
"Pretend she's a tug then!"
"Yes, sir. Man the AA gun!"

For 45 minutes we sprayed her with AA fire, starting several fires on her decks and even igniting her bridge incinerating everyone in it (presumeably the ship's captain as well). We fired at her hull, waterline and the crates on her decks. But she did not sink even an inch deeper at her bow or anywhere else. Finally, enraged, I jumped down from the bridge to the AA gun and took over, firing like a madman and screaming obscenities like... well, a sailor.

At last we ran out of ammo and as we were finally turning back for a disappointing journey back to Kiel, a destroyer and two other warships suddenly appeared in the distance I ordered a dive and finally after prolonged cating and mousing we slipped away NE and beat a hasty retreat.

Sometimes I awake suddenly at night in terror and remorse for venting my frustrations so barbarously on the crippled freighter, but then it goes away when I realize that, in the future, the Tommies will be responsible for producing The Benny Hill Show.

On a side note, Bernard (shortly after revealing to me just what the "surprise" in the beetjuice/cream of wheat surprise was) sadly became a victim of a severe storm that we passed through on our way back to port. Washed overboard, it seems.

stoneys-nutz · 09-14-10, 02:36 AM

Sounds more like Black Adder and Bawdrick on the bridge of that sub.
Did he fall or was he pushed ?. RIP Bernard.
The best (and funniest) story i have read in a long time.

Tessa · 09-14-10, 03:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stoneys-nutz

Sounds more like Black Adder and Bawdrick on the bridge of that sub.
Did he fall or was he pushed ?. RIP Bernard.
The best (and funniest) story i have read in a long time.

Rofl, reminds me of the old skool movie Top Secret (old Val Kilmer Movie, cover is a picture of a cow wearing german officer boots) where a Sergeant walks in to talk to her kommandant to inform him how the interogations are going, "not well, should I break out the Leroy Nemon painting?" "NO, we can't risk violating the Geneva convention!" replies the kommandant.

papa_smurf · 09-14-10, 04:23 AM

Well written, i'm sure Brag will enjoy it

Sailor Steve · 09-14-10, 10:15 AM

You only think Bernard was washed overboard. Actually he's asleep in the aft torpedo tube.

He can't be gotten rid of. Ever.

frau kaleun · 09-14-10, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

He can't be gotten rid of. Ever.

timmy41 · 09-14-10, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frau kaleun

*bernard comic*

LMAO!

Jimbuna · 09-14-10, 02:28 PM

Looks like you intercepted the shipment of cork that was regularly sent by the Dutch to help the war effort in Blighty.

JokerOfFate · 09-15-10, 07:31 AM

How does cork help the war effort?

What were the English fighting with pop guns?

frau kaleun · 09-15-10, 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JokerOfFate

How does cork help the war effort?

What were the English fighting with pop guns?

It's just a little joke. Cork floats, so if a ship simply refuses to sink, it must be because the holds were filled with cork. Or life preservers.

papa_smurf · 09-15-10, 08:00 AM

Quote:

How does cork help the war effort?

It comes for that fact that Tramp steamers are always so hard to sink, so we say there full of cork.

JokerOfFate · 09-15-10, 08:33 AM

Oh, like ping pong balls

frau kaleun · 09-15-10, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JokerOfFate

Oh, like ping pong balls

Brag · 09-15-10, 01:12 PM

Good story

Jimbuna · 09-15-10, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JokerOfFate

Oh, like ping pong balls

That was going to be the next commodity I mentioned

09-14-10, 02:21 AM	#1
LiveGoat XO Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: New York City Posts: 408 Downloads: 439 Uploads: 0	I just might swing at Nuremberg for this... If I survive to the end of the war that is. It was March, 1940 and I was at the mouth of the Dover Strait. My career started out promisingly in '39, what with all the single merchants just begging for it like drunken sorority girls. But after three or four patrols of bliss, the easy pickins' became slim. I was under pressure to perform, especially after two patrols in a row that came up empty handed due to duds and bad luck. Then came my next assignment: AN84. I arrived and dove for the night, ahead slow, constant hydrophone sweep. "We'll stay under until dawn" I mumbled. Then, just before daybreak, a sound contact! A Merchant, medium speed, heading west. We plotted a course down her bearing and surfaced. "Give her all your juice, Chief!" Shortly after surfacing, we found her, an Empire freighter heading from the Dutch Coast to England. Where the hell does she think she's going? They don't need no wooden shoes or tulips in England! We're ahead of her so it's as easy as falling off a log. We launch two bratwursts at her and she goes down after a bit. My string of bad luck was changing! I ordered a west course, closer to the English coast. An hour later we spot another Empire-type freighter, this time heading toward Holland. Is it "toward" or "towards"? Anyway, I order another intercept, we plot her course and speed and once again get into an ideal attack angle. Gonna use them thar new fangled wakeless eels this time, with them magnetic detonators (two, to be precise) and have my last remaining old school eel as a backup in case the T2 models go bad. But that's not gonna happen, right? Fire Tubes 1 and 3! (long pause) Well, she hadn't crossed the 0 bearing yet so I made a hasty recalculation with the AoBF and fired the old standby torp. This last eel was my "Billy Baru". Tube 2 fired, sir! (pause) "Oh Billy! C'mon, Billy! Billy, Billy, Billy!" KABOOM! Right in her port bow in front of the bridge! She started listing, just like the sorority girl I knew she was! But after awhile I noticed she wasn't gonna go down. True she was listing, and indeed her bow was low (so low in fact, her forward deck was awash). But that was the limit of her state. I ordered a parallel course. "We'll shadow her and see what happens." Then I went below for some of Bernard's beetjuice/cream of wheat surprise. Two hours and three helpings later the watch officer coming off duty updated me on her status. "She's not going down, sir." "Not even a little?" "No, sir." I wiped my mouth, which was now red as a baboon's arse, and headed up the conning tower ladder. There she was off our starboard no worse than I had left her, limping along at a slow speed due to her rudder and screw periodically bobbing into view but riding no deeper. I stared at her with contempt. She was my potential Knight's Cross staring back at me. Mocking me. She was the white whale. "The AA gun," I muttered. "What, sir?" It was Bernard. He had slavishly followed me to the bridge; truley the Fool to my Lear. "It's our usual last resort, isn't it?" "Yes, Sir but we only use it on harbour tugs and-" "Pretend she's a tug then!" "Yes, sir. Man the AA gun!" For 45 minutes we sprayed her with AA fire, starting several fires on her decks and even igniting her bridge incinerating everyone in it (presumeably the ship's captain as well). We fired at her hull, waterline and the crates on her decks. But she did not sink even an inch deeper at her bow or anywhere else. Finally, enraged, I jumped down from the bridge to the AA gun and took over, firing like a madman and screaming obscenities like... well, a sailor. At last we ran out of ammo and as we were finally turning back for a disappointing journey back to Kiel, a destroyer and two other warships suddenly appeared in the distance I ordered a dive and finally after prolonged cating and mousing we slipped away NE and beat a hasty retreat. Sometimes I awake suddenly at night in terror and remorse for venting my frustrations so barbarously on the crippled freighter, but then it goes away when I realize that, in the future, the Tommies will be responsible for producing The Benny Hill Show. On a side note, Bernard (shortly after revealing to me just what the "surprise" in the beetjuice/cream of wheat surprise was) sadly became a victim of a severe storm that we passed through on our way back to port. Washed overboard, it seems.

09-14-10, 04:23 AM	#4
papa_smurf Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: High Peak, Derbyshire Posts: 2,851 Downloads: 33 Uploads: 0	Well written, i'm sure Brag will enjoy it __________________

09-14-10, 10:15 AM	#5
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	You only think Bernard was washed overboard. Actually he's asleep in the aft torpedo tube. He can't be gotten rid of. Ever. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

09-14-10, 02:28 PM	#8
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,473 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Looks like you intercepted the shipment of cork that was regularly sent by the Dutch to help the war effort in Blighty. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-15-10, 01:12 PM	#14
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Good story __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/

09-14-10, 02:36 AM	#2
stoneys-nutz A-ganger Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 79 Downloads: 456 Uploads: 0	Sounds more like Black Adder and Bawdrick on the bridge of that sub. Did he fall or was he pushed ?. RIP Bernard. The best (and funniest) story i have read in a long time.

09-15-10, 07:31 AM	#9
JokerOfFate Sonar Guy Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 387 Downloads: 7 Uploads: 0	How does cork help the war effort? What were the English fighting with pop guns?

09-15-10, 08:33 AM	#12
JokerOfFate Sonar Guy Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 387 Downloads: 7 Uploads: 0	Oh, like ping pong balls