Secret Mission (BALZ)

[Brag]

Before entering the BDU building, Balz removed his bazaar medals and kept only his Iron and German Cross. The secretary told him to go right in. He entered Doenitz­`s dispatch clacked his heels and saluted.
"What do you want to see me for?" Asked the admiral.
"I want to report the Loners Lane."
"Report a lovers lane? What that has to do with me? You come all the way from Wilhelmhaven to report that? You belong in a looney lane."
"Loner's Lane has no lovers, just loners by themselves, with no one else for company. Just one ship at a time sailing to assured destruction if you happen to position a U-boat there to listen for the kawoombah, kawoombah, rhythmic pounding of of loner engines, ready to deliver a kaboom grand finale to the luckless vessel flying the British red ensign."
"Ah," Doenitz said. "And where is this location?"
"It is ten miles north of the northern edge of AM 52 to ten miles south of it. We sunk three ships there in four days. Then the weather got bad and we heard several more ships. We would have heard more ships if the loners were not loners."
"Obviously." Doenitz tapped a pencil on the chart on his desk. "I´m going to send you on a secret mission. You´ve met our secret agents, Baba Haji Jimbuna, the magic carpet merchant, and Ali Baba?"
"Yes, when pirating in the Persian Gulf, they gave me support and recruited the Seven Peelers of Wisdom."
Doenitz chuckled. "You will meet them on your next mission."
"I don´t have enough fuel to reach the Persian Gulf."
"You´re not going there. They are in Ireland. You will sail into Cork and make contact with them. "
Balz assumed a heroic posture. As if inspired by a higher being, he addressed the ceiling. "Corkahoochie," he said in a low tone.

Stay tuned.
U-45 Sailed on this dangerous mission from Wilhelmshafen on 30 December 1939

[Gerald]

Will never stop surprise me,

[Sailor Steve]

Ah, so the Persian perpetrators of practical prudence have moved north. Will Balz rescue them from Eire, or only arouse the Onkel's ire?

Inquiring mindless subsimmers want to know!

[papa_smurf]

Balz assumed a heroic posture. As if inspired by a higher being, he addressed the ceiling. "Corkahoochie," he said in a low tone.

[frau kaleun]

Are we sure Donitz didn't just tell Balz to "put a cork in it?"

[Jimbuna]

[Brag]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Ah, so the Persian perpetrators of practical prudence have moved north. Will Balz rescue them from Eire, or only arouse the Onkel's ire?

Inquiring mindless subsimmers want to know!

Inquiring mindless subsimmers will get what they deserve

[Brag]

09 Jan 1940

To: BDU
Ultra secret

From: U-You know which. Position: You know where.
Approaches to you know where heavily patrolled.
With my superior skill we will make contact with you know who tomorrow night and ask them you know what.

Signed by you know who.

[papa_smurf]

To: U know who

Message received and understood.


BDu

[Torp III]

Soooo, If I get this right, Balz is going to meet Dr. Who and they are going to put a cork into Ireland????

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Torp III

Soooo, If I get this right, Balz is going to meet Dr. Who and they are going to put a cork into Ireland????

You catch on fast, young padawan.

[Brag]

From Lt. Schmenk´s diary:

After we were well out to sea, Balz gathered everyone in the Zentralle. "You may have noticed I have lined my tea cozy with lead foil. This is an extra precaution so that the Englanders don´t read my mind. I carry a great secret that must remain so. We are on a dangerous mission of high risk, which could spell our doom even if it is misspelled.

You will practice your twirling and singing with great diligence anything less than first class will not do on this gig. Now, line your caps with lead paper and I will tell you the secret of Operation Corkahoochie."

"Any questions?"
"Ja," Bernard said, "Who stole my medals?"
"No one stole your medals. You didn´t get any."
"Aw, I prefer to have stolen medals rather than no medals at all. Maybe you stole the medals, you medal hoarder."
Balz unsheathed the scimitar he took to wearing lately. "You little bugga. I´m going to mount your head atop the periscope."

I felt I had to step in before Balz murdered Bernard. "Herr Kaleun, we can´t delay choir practice."
"Ach, ja." Balz schook his head. "Einz, zwei, hoochie woochie."
The choir broke into Glory is for Balz Forever.

On previous patrols, we had sunk several ships before sailing west of Ireland. This time nothing. We only got a glimpse of Hood sailing past, escorted by three destroyers--too far to shoot.

On the night of 10 January, after dodging Irish patrol vessels we entered the snug Cork harbor.
"Surface," Balz ordered.
I was pretty sure this would be our last gig.

[RegioSommergibile]

Originally Posted by Brag

09 Jan 1940

To: BDU
Ultra secret

From: U-You know which. Position: You know where.
Approaches to you know where heavily patrolled.
With my superior skill we will make contact with you know who tomorrow night and ask them you know what.

Signed by you know who.

[Sailor Steve]

I think I may have discovered one of the great secrets of der Ubootwaffe. On the surface it appears that Balz has had several different 1WOs over the years, and yet they all seem to get new commands retroactively, or proactively depending on the date of the story.

The great secret is that Balz's execs do not go on to their own commands, but rather go on to special assignments in the local asylum. Either that or Balz has actually only ever had one EinsVeeOh, who suffers from multiple personality disorder. Each personality has a different writing style, and seems to have a different opinion of Kaleun Balz. Further investigation is needed.

Herr Professor Doktor Bertrand Hooleygalloolie

Professor Hooleygalloolie was himself recently transferred from the Division Of Research Into The Study Of Mental Stability In The Ubootwaffe to the Division For Investigation Of Shellshock On The Russian Front. Reasons unknown.

[Brag]

Professor Hooleygalloolie has a sharp, acute, incisive and pointed intellect that rivals that of BDU´s Chief Psychological Assessor Zailerzteve von Buggaz.