Post Mortem of a Failed Operation (BALZ!)

[Brag]

Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes.

In the last chapter we left our heroic hero, Balz, saying sayonara to Lord Brooke. After saying sayonara, our hero left Labuan without saying another word. The silence did not last long. Balz ordered a course of 075 for which he had to say, “New course zero seven five.”

The course would take him straight to Sandokan’s island hideaway. Where he had a score to settle.

The following day, early, the sky was a golden riot of colors as the sun rose amid a kaleidoscope of puffy cumulous cloud. Caressed by a light breeze the sea sparkled dressed in gold. It was a morning that would make a man’s soul soar in the realm of tropical beauty. Balz knew something was wrong.

The crew was grumbling.
Balz approached the hatch to the crew quarters and listened.

“Grumble, grumble, grumble
Grumble, grumble, grumble.” The crew grumbled in a threatening choir of grumbling bloodthirsty pirates.

This required immediate action. Balz addressed the duty quartermaster, “Bring my throne out and place it on the quarter deck.”
From his cabin, Balz brought out a cigar and a revolver. He sat on the throne and remembered to light the cigar, not the revolver. “Muster the crew on deck,” He commanded in a heroic tone.
“Grumble, grumble, grumble,” the crew of villainous cutthroats came up on deck.
“What’s all the grumbling about?” Our hero demanded.
The duty chief grumbler stepped forward. “We ain’t got no booty.”
“We have fifty thousand tea cozies.”
“Tea cozies are no booty. Gold, silver, diamonds, jewelry are booty.”
“You miserable nitwits,” Balz growled. “You have to think of your mothers. Of the joy you will bring by presenting the woman who has sewn your pirate suits with a genuinely looted tea cozy. Your mothers will make you a nice cup of tea to welcome you home. They will not complain about your unwashed body odor and your filthy clothes. That is the beauty and the fulfillment of motherhood to have a filthy pirate son return home wearing a tea cozy and hauling a sack of tea cozies. No woman in this world owns one thousand tea cozies.”

Touched by Balz’s passionate speech, the pirates stopped grumbling and went back to work.

Now, Balz had plenty of time to worry what would happen when he confronted Sandokan. Love triangles and piracy did not mix very well, Balz thought.

Majestically and skillfully conned by Balz, the pirahu entered the well protected Sandokan’s Cove Keep Out Cove, which was Sandokan’s hideaway.

Sandokan stood on the rocky outcrop waiting for a storm to come so that he could face the wind, thunder and lightning to dramatically rant about the injustices of the world.

Balz shrugged and went into Sandokan’s house. He had a beer while he looked for Mariana. She wasn’t in the house.

After sunset, Balz played The Pirate’s Lament Hoochie Woochie on the piano.

Having given up on having a dramatic storm, Sandokan came into the house.
“Where is Mariana?” Balz asked.
“In Labuan.” Sandokan let himself drop onto a sofa with silk cushions.
“What?” Balz stopped playing and jumped off his stool. “The plan was—“
“Plans, bleah. Your elephants splattered mud on her dress.”
“My elephants?” Balz raised his arms in indignation.
“You caused them to stampede, you stampede them, they are yours.”
“The Ghurkas, the Sepoys and the Bengal Lancers are mine.”
“The Sepoys came before the Ghurkas,” Sandokan spat out.
“The Ghurkas were behind the Sepoys because the Sepoys were up front who were followed by the lancers who were behind and the elephants were not behind nobody because they were up front.”
“But it was the elephants who splattered mud on my beloved.”
“Your beloved? She obviously likes me better. She didn’t come with you.” Balz argued.
“She didn’t come because your elephants—“
“My elephants? You piratical nincompoop. You were the one who was taking credit and having pictures taken next to the stomped Ghurkas.”
“The Sepoys came first, because the Ghurkas were behind and the Sepoys ahead.” Sandokan jumped on his feet.
Balz pocked his finger on Sandokan’s chest. “Fact. Mariana did not come with you.”
“Her dress was muddy. You can’t have a classy elopement with a dress splattered by your Elphants.”
“My elephants? If Lord Brooke could abandon ship in his underwear, surely Mariana could have abandoned the island in her dress.”
“Mud-splattered dress,” Sandokan corrected.
Furious with Sandokan, Balz paced the room. “Let’s analyze the events, so we have a clear picture. The sepoys marched in first because the Ghurkas were ahead of the elephants who were behind the Sepoys and ahead of the Bengal lancers. Then the elephants got ahead of the Sepoys who were ahead of the Ghurkas who were ahead of the Bengal Lancers. With this change, the Sepoys marched Behind the elephants who were ahead of them. The Ghurkas kept behind the Sepoys, but ahead of the Bengal Lancers who were behind—“
“Gott im Himmel,” Sandokan shouted clutching his head.
“Where did you learn to speak German?” Balz asked with great interest.
“If I have to hear another analysis of yours, I’ll start speaking Turkish.”

[Sailor Steve]

Fight! Fight! Fight!


Well, shouting match, at least.

[coronas]

A question....Who came first? the Elephants, the Sepoys, the Ghurkas, ...

[Rhodes]

Grumble!

[papa_smurf]

A question....Who came first? the Elephants, the Sepoys, the Ghurkas, ...

I'm all confused................

[sunvalleyslim]

While the pirates were grumbling.....
The elephants were rumbling....
And Balz felt like such a dumbling...
Because he had been fumbling
for his beloved tea cozy so humbling....

[Jimbuna]

"You can’t have a classy elopement with a dress splattered by your Elphants.”

Just so long as the elephant wasn't from the Clinton species

[Brag]

Originally Posted by sunvalleyslim

While the pirates were grumbling.....
The elephants were rumbling....
And Balz felt like such a dumbling...
Because he had been fumbling
for his beloved tea cozy so humbling....

Ah, love lyrical poms.

Good stuff, Slim!