Who said the world's gone mad?

[Jimbuna]

Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England 'past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limitin this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for thedifferently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

[Respenus]

You're a genius. Thank you.

[Letum]

Originally Posted by Respenus

You're a genius. Thank you.

ummm...I suspect it's a ctr+v job.

[TarJak]

Originally Posted by Letum

ummm...I suspect it's a ctr+v job.

Originally Posted by Letum

ummm...I suspect it's a ctr+v job.

Is that wrong for the entertainment value it was worth?

I say thank you! Very funny!!!

[Jimbuna]

When the French achieved a few naval victories a couple of centuries back, they went on to build some sh!t arc in Paris and named it the 'Arc of Triumph'.

Whereas when the British achieved a few naval victories a couple of centuries back, we went on to build the greatest *********g empire the world has ever seen.

Funny that.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Is it true that Napoleon Bonapart's wife waved him off to war saying, "get blown apart Bonapart"?

Anyway this joke isn't about him, it's about Nelson. See, Nelson's on his ship in the channel. One day, he goes up on deck and takes his telescope out to scan the horizon. There he sees a French ship! "Hardy!" the great man calls to his trusty second in command, "go and get my red jacket. I don't want the blood to show."
Hardy gets his red jacket and, sure enough, they sink the French.
The next morning, Nelson comes up on deck, scans the horizon and spots two French ships! "Hardy!" he calls, "my red jacket please, I do not want the blood to show." And they sink both ships.
The third day, he comes up to find ten French ships! "Hardy!" he calls, "my red jacket once more, for I do not want the blood to show." Needless to say, they sink all ten French!
The next day, he goes up on deck, looks to the horizon and sees the entire French fleet! He quietly lowers his telescope, and seems to contemplate what he has seen. Hardy is ready to go down for his red jacket and is patiently awaiting the command when Admiral Nelson says, "Hardy, get my brown trousers."

[Sailor Steve]

Both of those are oldies, but I still love 'em.