English Spoken (BALZ)

[Brag]

Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes:

The captain bellowed, “If you touch my trousers I’m going to have hang from the foremast by the balls.”

Balz scurried to the forecastle where he found a box with hand me down clothes. He returned on deck and headed for the bridge.

The first mate growled, “Why you no knocka rust?”
“The captain told me to come up,” Balz answered.
“You go up that mast.”
Balz saluted. “Aye, when I finish with the mast, I’ll be available to have tea with the captain so we can discuss my situation.”

The captain and officers of the Dowley Maiden did not recognize the greatness and genius of the former outstanding cadet and future hero of the Kriegsmarine. As the great ship sailed into the North Sea, Balz was relegated to chipping off rust.

During the daylight hours, the sound of paint chippers never stopped. At night, the hinged bulwark flaps flipped open and slammed shut as the ship rolled. Sleep was nearly impossible.

On the seventh day the Dowley Maiden was heading south abeam Dover. Shortly past midnight Balz was on the mid-watch steering the ship under the watchful eye of the quartermaster.

The night was as dark as the captain’s heart. The jolly lights of Dover blinked in the distance making Balz wish he was ashore doing the hoochie woochie.

The captain came on deck.
“Where are we going?” Balz asked the captain.
Captain Nonschmops Kapop, a taciturn Finn, said, “On this ship we speak English.”
“But I am speaking English.”
“You knocka rust. There, that is English. You knocka rust good at the wheel.
“To what port we knocka rust to?”
“We are Finnish ship. Have Irish, German, Russian, Spanish, Dutch, Portuguese crew. We speak English.”
“But I am speaking English.”
“No knocka rost during the night,” The Captain lit a Cuban cigar. When we get to Adelaide, you no knocka rost but help unload coal. Then you not knocka rost and wash hold. Then we load grain instead of knocka rost, When loaded we knocka rost again and go to Ireland. In this Finnish ship we never finish knocka rost.
“Now, I get it,” Balz said,
“In this Finnish ship we never finish speaking English.”
But I am speaking English,” Balz objected.
“I’m gonna knocka rost out of you.”

That night Balz decided he was finished sailing on Finnish ships where one never finished speaking English without speaking English.

Next week, Mystery of the Sextant