Heading South--(balz)

[Brag]

Lt. Fritz Witz writes.
25 March 1941
U-123


"We have received forty eight new soup bowls, Herr Kaleun," Bernard reported.
Balz stood from his bunk where he was checking the food supplies list. "Soup bowls?"
"Big ones, with large slurping protectors, they are passing them down the hatch right now."
Balz went to the Zentralle and inspected the five piles on the deck. "You nitwit, those are pit helmets. You wear them on your head."
"Oh, like African explorers hunting lion?"
"African explorers didn't hunt lion, they walked and wrote diaries."
"Is that what we're gonna do?"
Balz shook his head. "We're going to the tropics and hunt convoys and write diaries."
Bernard grinned. "I'm going to write my diary wearing a soup bowl, I mean a pit helmet."
"For you, it would be more appropriate to wear dirty underwear on your head." Balz picked up a helmet an put it on. "Do I look sufficiently heroic?"
"Oh, yes, Her Kaleun, very heroic."
"Good, I will write a song and title it: Balz in a Helmet is a Heroic Hoochie-Woochie"
"In a helmet? Can you get into that helmet? Maybe you should call it Balz under a helmet--"
"You nincompoop, no one is under a helmet."
"You would need to stand on your head if you want to be on top of your helmet."
Balz sighed. "Why don't you go and play outside. Maybe you could slip on that pool of battery acid you left on the dock."

The following day, we left Lorient with orders to patrol near Freetown. The choir sang It's a Long Way to Hoochie Woochie, while Bernard sat in the galley counting coffee beans.

Once again, I was assigned to write our diary.
The sea was calm and flat, like trousers on an ironing board. The sun shone as brightly as our captain's mind; like a well oiled farting banana, our crew was ready to challenge the Royal Navy, which as far as I know, doesn't have farting bananas.

For days and days, we worked our way south through a sea as flat as an ironing board without trousers on it.

Approaching Madeira, the sea got wet. Not that it wasn't wet before, but now we were getting wet because of the wet spray from a wet sea got us wet. We wore our pit helmets because besides getting wet, we got plenty of sunshine. With the helmets on, cool heads prevailed.

A wisp of smoke ten degrees off the starboard bow betrayed a ship heading our way. "Look heroic, chaps," Balz said while scrutinizing the large freighter, "Periscope depth, we don't want to upset them before I reveal the one torpedo, one ship hoochie-woochie.

Bernard stopped counting coffee beans and hovered dangerously close to the TDC. "Can I wear my helmet, look heroic, and say wasserbomben?"
"Hang him in the galley like a farting banana," Balz said as he peered through the periscope.
We quickly hung Bernard by his feet and lowered him into his pit helmet.
"Are you comfortable?" Balz asked.
"I can do the upside down hoochie-woochie twirl after you order Feuer."
"Observe the delicate finesse with which I will poetically sink this Argonaut bearing riches to the British Empire. The unsuspecting future victims of the great Balz have chosen a nice day for a swim."
"My tea cozy, please."
Like crowning a king, the Boat Chief placed the bunny ears tea cozy on Balz's head.
Balz raised the periscope, peered into the lens and said, "Feuer!"
The choir sang, Glory to Balz, the Great Marksman Hoochie-woochie.

The torpedo hit.
"Auftauchen."

By the time we manned the bridge, the crew of the freighter were lowering lifeboats. Balz shouted, "Good afternoon, you lucky Englanders. Nearest land is 110 miles, course 280. Madeira, island of romance and enchantment. Let me give you a Portuguese language lesson. Once you land, you say: Onde fica o Hotel?"
"Shut arff you dirty, sneaky, Nazi Hun." A fat man who looked like the ship's cook shouted back.
"Our resident dirty, sneaky Nazi Hun is imitating a farting banana in the galley."
Two lifeboats separated themselves from the rapidly sinking ship.
"For your entertainment, my choir will sing Over the Waves hoochie-woochie and then, Row Row your Boat, also a hoochie-woochie."
The British crew began rowing.
Balz shouted after them. "By the way, do I look good in a pit helmet?"