Philosopher Hero (Balz)

[Brag]

Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes:


After the leaving port fiasco, Bernard went into hiding in the galley disguised as a sack of farting potatoes. In recognition of my writing ability, Balz instructed me to write a magazine article about our patrol.

We departed Lorient on 24 Janaury 1941 and headed to our assigned patrol area southeast of the Azores. The sea was flat calm and cheerfully reflected a happy sun. The next day the sea was flat as a desk and reflected the winter sun like a mirror on top of the desk. We cleared Cape Finisterre and the sea was flat like a pancake. There was a haze like in a kitchen where lots of pancakes are made.

Balz finished reading and gave me a hard stare. "This is no good."
"What's wrong?" I asked
"A story must awe, electrify and a inspire the reader. Great things must happen. Not once have you mentioned me, your great commander."
I wrote: Our great commander Balz, lay in his bunk stretched out flat like the flat sea outside.
"That's better," Balz said, "But your great commander is an inspiring character, he doesn't just lay on his bunk. He is a German hero-philosopher. I was stretched on my bunk thinking about orthopedic philosophy."
"Orthopedic philosophy?"
"Yes," Balz waved his hands. "Orthopedic philosophy keeps you from sticking your foot in your mouth."
While I pondered the truths of orthopedic philosophy, Balz called the boat chief. "Chief, take the boat down to hundred and fifty meters. I want to do some deep thinking."

For the first week, the sea was not only flat, but it was flat empty of shipping. In the temperate climate the crew took advantage of the sunshine to lay flat on deck sunning themselves. Of course, they did not remain flat on deck when we dived for sound checks Or when our glorious commander wanted to immerse himself in deep thought.
On the eleventh day the sea state changed. It became lumpy like the humps of camels during mating season. The sky was covered by clouds as lumpy as the mashed potatoes we had for dinner. The lumpy sea continued to be flat empty of traffic.
Even when Balz wore his bunny eared tea cozy and bunny slippers we still didn't pick up anything on the hydrophone.

To relieve the tedium, Balz wrote a song, Meet me in Balzimore You Hoochie Woochie and had the choir practice it three times a day.
"Soon we will wreak havoc to British shipping, win the war, and I will take my choir to Broadway," Balz declared while we sat having lunch.
"Maybe we have won the war, maybe the Brits don't have any ships left," I said, thinking my intellectual contribution was needed.
No longer disguised as a sack of farting potatoes, Bernard came over to the officers' nook and sat down. "The reason we are not seeing any ships is because we have failed to find them."
"I'm going to put a noose around your neck, tie it to the periscope and raise the scope. Maybe, as your eyes pop you will get a vision of British ships," Balz growled.
I couldn't resist laughing. The vision of Bernard flapping in the wind was an appealing one.
"Funkschpruh erhalten," the radioman shouted from his cubicle. He reached over and handed the message to Bernard.
"It is in code," Bernard said.
"What a surprise." Balz banged his fist on the table. "Decode it, you moron."
Twenty minutes later, Bernard finished scribbling on the message pad; he raised his head and smiled. "It's in German, Herr Kaleun."
"Well, read it, you nitwit."
"Should I translate it to English?"
"What the hell for?" Balz's face was turning purple.
"The message is about a British ship, not far from here. The report would sound more British if I read it in English."

More next week.

Notice announcement below--you can now peek into Brag's book. Check it out!

[Sailor Steve]

I'm glad to say that Brag is a much better writer than Gwitz. I suspect that Balz's request for a magazine article has less to do with Fritz's so-called ability than Balz's inability to see anything beyond his own imagined greatness.

But the story is great. As always, impatient for the next one.

[sunvalleyslim]

Maybe the illustrious Kapt. should just go "Balz flat out" on the ships engine order telegraph looking for British hardware.........

[Jimbuna]

This guy should be utilised by the Brits as their new secret weapon

[Graf Paper]

Farting potatoes! ROFLMAO. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

The rest of it was hilarious, too, but I'm going to have real trouble keeping a straight face at dinner tonight when mashed potatoes are part of the menu.

I can just picture it now...

As some seaman walks past the galley, a rather lumpy burlap sack suddenly emits a noise that distinctly sounds like "spud". :rotfl:

I think I watched too much Three Stooges in my formative years.

[Brag]

This comment is copied from the Washington Post's Achenbach Blog:

Hmm. I smell a farting sack of potatoes in here. Somehow that always makes me think of camels humping on the lumpy sea.
Speaking of heating water that's flat as pancakes, why don't Canadians invent Canadian tea by using maple syrup? Or do they?
Hm, time for some orthopedic philosophy on my ear. As the saying goes, if you pal around with professors, you'll get up with ideas.
-Wilbrodog-

Posted by: Wilbrod_Gnome | October 30, 2008 5:31 PM

[U-46 Commander]

Won the War!!! Won the War!!!! Just who does he think he is!!!! No, The real Reason why they have not seen any ships is because I , The Great Bernard Von Awful, have sunk them all!!! I sent that message J.S. Balz, as I wanted to meet my famous second cousin. It also seems that they want to see if he would accept a job as a spy, camoflauged as a sack of farting potatoes.

Signed, KptLt. Bernard Von Awful.


Had to laugh at the "Sack of Farting potatoes.:rotfl: "

[SandyCaesar]

Keep it up, Brag! (...and someone needs to introduce Balz to those '45 hunter-killer groups, and maybe recall Gwitz for that other guy.

Seems to me that there are only so many different types of vegetables/fruits Bernard can disguise himself as:hmm