Periscope Depth (Balz)

Brag · 09-12-08, 10:57 AM

Lt. Kalb writes:
U-123
26 Oktober 1940

On the twentieth day of our patrol, Bernard gathered enough courage to join us for breakfast. All this time he had been avoiding Balz by hanging from the overhead disguised as a bunch of farting bananas. Balz glanced at Bernard and continued chewing on a piece of stale bread. I let out a sigh of relief as I had expected another explosive scene.
Finished with his coffee, Balz asked me, "How many days has it been since we heard a ship?"
"I lost count. It was at least three books ago." Life in a submarine is dull. There's little difference between night and day. The days blend into each other in a long chain of tedium. We could have been out for a week, a month, a year. Only the books brought aboard and exchanged by the crew bring relief. I had been reading Faust when we encountered a large freighter.
"Books," Balz grumbled. "I'm tired of reading." His face brightened. "I'm going to write one. I will call it …
"You will call a book? I'd like to see that," Bernard said. "How are you going to call it? Come here, bookie, bookie, bookie?"
"You triple retarded moron," Balz answered. "I'm going to title it."
"A noble book with a title. You have to make it at least a Count."
"You are stupider than that bunch of farting bananas we have hanging in the galley."
"Höhrspielong, Herr Kaleun," The hydrophone operator announced.
I moved out of the way so Balz could crawl from his corner.
He took the spare headset and listened. "Ooh, ooh. I hear the distant murmur of screws approaching like on a garden path surrounded by roses. Oh, you hoochie woochie."
I headed for the Zentralle to begin the attack plot. Balz grabbed me by the sleeve. "Kalb. Before the attack, a commander has to make several important decisions."
"Jawhol, Herr Kaleun."
"On a day like today, considering light sparkling seas and a cloudless sky. Should I wear the bunny ears, or the chicken tea cozy?"
Balz put the bunny tea cozy on. "How do I look, is that me?"
"You look very heroic," Bernard said. "As admirable as our dear Fűhrer."
The Fuhrer is not in the Kriegsmarine and wears brown, he has a girlfriend called Eva Braun and a rocket scientist called Werner von Braun. We wear blue."
I left Balz and Bernard and got busy with preparations to attack.

An hour later, the choir was assembled and waiting for the signal to start singing. Balz raised the periscope. "Perfect. Rohr einz, loss!" He lowered his arm and the choir twirled and sang "Thee Great Balz's Ttorpedo Will Hit Boom-boom Hoochie Woochie.
"Torpedo running true," the soundman said.
"Ah another great Balz shot." The captain turned to me. "The moment has come for us to emerge from the darkness and cold embrace of the eternal ocean. In nautical terms, this means--Surface!

We surfaced near the stricken Large freighter and approached it slowly. Balz had exchanged his tea cozy for a bowler hat and wore a burgundy smoking jacket with all his medals.
"Ah what a sight. A sparkling sea dotted with gold, an azure sky hosting the warm sun, and a ship sinking to provide drama to the scene." Balz lit a cigar and hailed the British Ship. "Hallo there, Englanders. I am Balz, hero of the Kriegsmarine. Would you be so kind to answer a few questions?"
Balz took a piece of paper out of his pocket and read. "On a scale of one to ten. How satisfactory do you find the torpedo boom-boom?"
"Are you effing bonkers?"
"On a scale of one to ten, how satisfactory do you find to be sunk by the great Balz?"
"Wait 'til our destroyers take care of you, Balztard."
"When the newspapers interview you, will you make sure they spell my name right?"
The freighter's speakers bellowed. "Abandon ship."
"While you lower your boats, my Choir will provide entertainment for you by twirling and singing Row, Row Your Boat Hochie-Woochie.

Two lifeboats pulled away from the sinking hulk. The choir finished singing It's a Long Way to Hoochie-Woochie.
Balz threw the cigar end into the sea. "The time has come for us to return to the depths and vanish from sight beneath the cobalt blue waters. It is so un-poetic to just say, periscope depth."

Reminder: When you purchase the espionage thriller Kingmaker you are in for an exciting read and you help Brag get his beer ration.

ECAaxel · 09-12-08, 01:13 PM

another classic Brag

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Sailor Steve · 09-12-08, 03:08 PM

"Cheeky 'Un wants to know 'ow we like bein' torpedoed? And then he bloody sings to us? I'd like to give 'im something to sing about!"

"That might be arranged, engineer."

"You 'ave an idea, Cap'n?"

"What I have, Mister Letching, is some of the arms salvaged from the infantry supplies we've been carrying. Mister Tosser!"

"Captain?"

"Hand me one of those grenades, if you please."

headcase · 09-12-08, 03:19 PM

It's nice to know Balz is committed to quality customer service.

sunvalleyslim · 09-12-08, 03:22 PM

AH, another great "Balztard" epic. I'm sure the bloody brits are shaking in their boots. Whenever they heard the far off sounds of the "Hoochie Woochie" coming above the din of rumbling diesel engines along their coast.......

Brag · 09-13-08, 04:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

"Cheeky 'Un wants to know 'ow we like bein' torpedoed? And then he bloody sings to us? I'd like to give 'im something to sing about!"

"That might be arranged, engineer."

"You 'ave an idea, Cap'n?"

"What I have, Mister Letching, is some of the arms salvaged from the infantry supplies we've been carrying. Mister Tosser!"

"Captain?"

"Hand me one of those grenades, if you please."

oh, oh.

Jimbuna · 09-13-08, 04:30 AM

Quote:

hanging from the overhead disguised as a bunch of farting bananas

Priceless!! :rotfl:

papa_smurf · 09-13-08, 11:40 AM

Just gets better and better.

Task Force · 09-13-08, 12:34 PM

Always good brag.

Sailor Steve · 09-13-08, 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brag

oh, oh.

Like a hand grenade going off against the hull is going to do more than make them say "What was that?" or "Did you hear something?"
:rotfl:

Schroeder · 09-13-08, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Quote:

hanging from the overhead disguised as a bunch of farting bananas

Priceless!! :rotfl:

I second that.:rotfl:

coronas · 09-13-08, 02:07 PM

Brag, you makes my day! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Brag · 09-13-08, 11:29 PM

Thanks for the kind words, chaps. They encourage me to be bolder and hopefully funnier. Next week's episode is well underway. For the first time in my life it had me in stitches writing something.

Task Force · 09-13-08, 11:34 PM

I believe that is the first time anyone has taken a servay like that at sea.

HW3 · 09-14-08, 02:14 AM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Glad I wasn't eating or drinking anything when I read it.

09-12-08, 10:57 AM	#1
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Periscope Depth (Balz) Lt. Kalb writes: U-123 26 Oktober 1940 On the twentieth day of our patrol, Bernard gathered enough courage to join us for breakfast. All this time he had been avoiding Balz by hanging from the overhead disguised as a bunch of farting bananas. Balz glanced at Bernard and continued chewing on a piece of stale bread. I let out a sigh of relief as I had expected another explosive scene. Finished with his coffee, Balz asked me, "How many days has it been since we heard a ship?" "I lost count. It was at least three books ago." Life in a submarine is dull. There's little difference between night and day. The days blend into each other in a long chain of tedium. We could have been out for a week, a month, a year. Only the books brought aboard and exchanged by the crew bring relief. I had been reading Faust when we encountered a large freighter. "Books," Balz grumbled. "I'm tired of reading." His face brightened. "I'm going to write one. I will call it … "You will call a book? I'd like to see that," Bernard said. "How are you going to call it? Come here, bookie, bookie, bookie?" "You triple retarded moron," Balz answered. "I'm going to title it." "A noble book with a title. You have to make it at least a Count." "You are stupider than that bunch of farting bananas we have hanging in the galley." "Höhrspielong, Herr Kaleun," The hydrophone operator announced. I moved out of the way so Balz could crawl from his corner. He took the spare headset and listened. "Ooh, ooh. I hear the distant murmur of screws approaching like on a garden path surrounded by roses. Oh, you hoochie woochie." I headed for the Zentralle to begin the attack plot. Balz grabbed me by the sleeve. "Kalb. Before the attack, a commander has to make several important decisions." "Jawhol, Herr Kaleun." "On a day like today, considering light sparkling seas and a cloudless sky. Should I wear the bunny ears, or the chicken tea cozy?" Balz put the bunny tea cozy on. "How do I look, is that me?" "You look very heroic," Bernard said. "As admirable as our dear Fűhrer." The Fuhrer is not in the Kriegsmarine and wears brown, he has a girlfriend called Eva Braun and a rocket scientist called Werner von Braun. We wear blue." I left Balz and Bernard and got busy with preparations to attack. An hour later, the choir was assembled and waiting for the signal to start singing. Balz raised the periscope. "Perfect. Rohr einz, loss!" He lowered his arm and the choir twirled and sang "Thee Great Balz's Ttorpedo Will Hit Boom-boom Hoochie Woochie. "Torpedo running true," the soundman said. "Ah another great Balz shot." The captain turned to me. "The moment has come for us to emerge from the darkness and cold embrace of the eternal ocean. In nautical terms, this means--Surface! We surfaced near the stricken Large freighter and approached it slowly. Balz had exchanged his tea cozy for a bowler hat and wore a burgundy smoking jacket with all his medals. "Ah what a sight. A sparkling sea dotted with gold, an azure sky hosting the warm sun, and a ship sinking to provide drama to the scene." Balz lit a cigar and hailed the British Ship. "Hallo there, Englanders. I am Balz, hero of the Kriegsmarine. Would you be so kind to answer a few questions?" Balz took a piece of paper out of his pocket and read. "On a scale of one to ten. How satisfactory do you find the torpedo boom-boom?" "Are you effing bonkers?" "On a scale of one to ten, how satisfactory do you find to be sunk by the great Balz?" "Wait 'til our destroyers take care of you, Balztard." "When the newspapers interview you, will you make sure they spell my name right?" The freighter's speakers bellowed. "Abandon ship." "While you lower your boats, my Choir will provide entertainment for you by twirling and singing Row, Row Your Boat Hochie-Woochie. Two lifeboats pulled away from the sinking hulk. The choir finished singing It's a Long Way to Hoochie-Woochie. Balz threw the cigar end into the sea. "The time has come for us to return to the depths and vanish from sight beneath the cobalt blue waters. It is so un-poetic to just say, periscope depth." Reminder: When you purchase the espionage thriller Kingmaker you are in for an exciting read and you help Brag get his beer ration. __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/ Last edited by Brag; 09-13-08 at 07:02 PM.

09-12-08, 03:08 PM	#3
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	"Cheeky 'Un wants to know 'ow we like bein' torpedoed? And then he bloody sings to us? I'd like to give 'im something to sing about!" "That might be arranged, engineer." "You 'ave an idea, Cap'n?" "What I have, Mister Letching, is some of the arms salvaged from the infantry supplies we've been carrying. Mister Tosser!" "Captain?" "Hand me one of those grenades, if you please." __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

09-12-08, 03:19 PM	#4
headcase Sparky Join Date: May 2007 Location: The wrong side of the tracks, Neverland Posts: 157 Downloads: 9 Uploads: 0	It's nice to know Balz is committed to quality customer service. __________________ It's like the Blues. You can't play em if you haven't lived em. GWX 3.0 DID

09-12-08, 03:22 PM	#5
sunvalleyslim Ace of the Deep Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, Ca Posts: 1,142 Downloads: 267 Uploads: 0	AH, another great "Balztard" epic. I'm sure the bloody brits are shaking in their boots. Whenever they heard the far off sounds of the "Hoochie Woochie" coming above the din of rumbling diesel engines along their coast....... __________________ Crew member/ decommission member TM2(SS)(SD) 3/68-7/70 DIESEL BOATS FOREVER USS SEGUNDO (SS398)

09-13-08, 11:40 AM	#8
papa_smurf Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: High Peak, Derbyshire Posts: 2,851 Downloads: 33 Uploads: 0	Just gets better and better. __________________

09-12-08, 01:13 PM	#2
ECAaxel Bosun Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 62 Downloads: 32 Uploads: 0	another classic Brag :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

09-13-08, 12:34 PM	#9
Task Force Rear Admiral Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: SPACE!!!! Posts: 10,142 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	Always good brag. __________________ Task Force industries "Taking control of the world, one mind at a time"

09-13-08, 02:07 PM	#12
coronas Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2005 Location: Asturias, España Posts: 1,168 Downloads: 39 Uploads: 0	Brag, you makes my day! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: __________________

09-13-08, 11:29 PM	#13
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Thanks for the kind words, chaps. They encourage me to be bolder and hopefully funnier. Next week's episode is well underway. For the first time in my life it had me in stitches writing something. __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/

09-13-08, 11:34 PM	#14
Task Force Rear Admiral Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: SPACE!!!! Posts: 10,142 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	I believe that is the first time anyone has taken a servay like that at sea. __________________ Task Force industries "Taking control of the world, one mind at a time"

09-14-08, 02:14 AM	#15
HW3 Navy Seal Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Gresham Oregon Posts: 6,574 Downloads: 458 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Glad I wasn't eating or drinking anything when I read it. __________________ "Some ships are designed to sink...others require our assistance." Nathan Zelk