Beer drinker's survival guide in pub

Dowly · 09-05-08, 01:16 AM

1.
Situtation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet
Cause: Mouth is not open while drinking or glassbeing applied to the wrong part of face
Action: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique will perfect.

2.
Situation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear
Cause: Glass is empty
Action: Find someone who will buy another pint for you.

3.
Situation: Feet are cold and wet.
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.

4.
Situation: Feet are warm and wet.
Cause: Loss of the self control.
Action: Go and stand next to the nearest dog and after a while complain to it's owner about dog's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.

5.
Situation: Bar blurred.
Cause: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Action: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

6.
Situation: Bar is swaying.
Cause: Air turbulence unusually high... maybe due to darts match in progress.
Action: Insert a broom handle down back of the jacket.

7.
Situation: Bar is moving.
Cause: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked!

8.
Situation: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has fluorescent light strip across it.
Cause: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm: stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.

9.
Situation: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog ends and teeth.
Cause: You have fallen over forwards.
Action: As for falling over backwards. See above.

10.
Situation: You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Cause: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Action: Check your watch to see is it opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

11.
Situation: Everything has gone dark.
Cause: The pub is closing.
Action: Panic!!

Have a nice weekend!

09-05-08, 01:16 AM	#1
Dowly Lucky Jack Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 25,052 Downloads: 32 Uploads: 0	Beer drinker's survival guide in pub 1. Situtation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet Cause: Mouth is not open while drinking or glassbeing applied to the wrong part of face Action: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique will perfect. 2. Situation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear Cause: Glass is empty Action: Find someone who will buy another pint for you. 3. Situation: Feet are cold and wet. Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling. 4. Situation: Feet are warm and wet. Cause: Loss of the self control. Action: Go and stand next to the nearest dog and after a while complain to it's owner about dog's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation. 5. Situation: Bar blurred. Cause: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Action: Find someone who will buy you another pint. 6. Situation: Bar is swaying. Cause: Air turbulence unusually high... maybe due to darts match in progress. Action: Insert a broom handle down back of the jacket. 7. Situation: Bar is moving. Cause: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked! 8. Situation: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has fluorescent light strip across it. Cause: You have fallen over backwards. Action: If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm: stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar. 9. Situation: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog ends and teeth. Cause: You have fallen over forwards. Action: As for falling over backwards. See above. 10. Situation: You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Cause: You have spent the night in the gutter. Action: Check your watch to see is it opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in. 11. Situation: Everything has gone dark. Cause: The pub is closing. Action: Panic!! Have a nice weekend!