Beer drinker's survival guide in pub
 

1.
Situtation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet
Cause: Mouth is not open while drinking or glassbeing applied to the wrong part of face
Action: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique will perfect.

2.
Situation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear
Cause: Glass is empty
Action: Find someone who will buy another pint for you.

3.
Situation: Feet are cold and wet.
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.

4.
Situation: Feet are warm and wet.
Cause: Loss of the self control.
Action: Go and stand next to the nearest dog and after a while complain to it's owner about dog's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.

5.
Situation: Bar blurred.
Cause: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Action: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

6.
Situation: Bar is swaying.
Cause: Air turbulence unusually high... maybe due to darts match in progress.
Action: Insert a broom handle down back of the jacket.

7.
Situation: Bar is moving.
Cause: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked!

8.
Situation: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has fluorescent light strip across it.
Cause: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm: stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.

9.
Situation: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog ends and teeth.
Cause: You have fallen over forwards.
Action: As for falling over backwards. See above.

10.
Situation: You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Cause: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Action: Check your watch to see is it opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

11.
Situation: Everything has gone dark.
Cause: The pub is closing.
Action: Panic!!

Have a nice weekend! :up:

You missed one:

Situtation: You wake up naked next to something marginally identifyable as human and you can't identify the room as yours
Cause: You picked up but not with someone you'd normally touch with a bargepole
Action: Carefully get out of bed and find your clothes and get out the door quickly and quietly as possible. Consult a GP as soon as possible

Ewwww... the memories... :dead:

I have never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but i have woken up next to some.

Situation: You wake up because of a annoying beeping sound and you'll notice you are wired to something
Cause: You've been dumb and decided to drive yourself home
Action: Remember always to not to drink your wallet dry and save some for a Taxi

HunterICX

Pubs are closing down here in the UK. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

That will teach the bastards to over charge. :D :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Great One Dowly.............:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

As I've often told you on TS Dowly.....I've never went to bed with a dog in my life, but I have woke up with quite a few :lol:

It's no bloody good laughing Steed, I'm running out of watering holes!:nope:

Buy your booze from the supermarket its cheaper. :D

Yeah but then you become a lonely sad git sitting at home drinking on your own. Unless you invite your mates around which means Gordon and Tony sitting in your front room drinking all your grog.:damn::rotfl::rotfl:

Yeah Tony and Gordon are a bit boring way better to wait till Robert can pop over from Zimbabwe; hes a scream once hes got a couple down him! :D

And invite Mrs Clinton as the stripper. :huh: :lol:

Oh yes.

http://www.smileygenerator.us/commun...s/stripshy.gif

http://i224.photobucket.com/albums/d...e/drunkcob.gif