Jokes about Jewish people

Jews in space.

[Happy Times]

Comrade Stalin! What are your hobbies?

-I collect jokes told about me.

-How many have you collected?

-About three full camps.

[Happy Times]

Lahtinen and Virtanen have gone fishing. Total silence... for many hours.

Virtanes speaks:
- Raining...

Silence continues. Many hours pass.

Lahtinen leaves home and says to his wife:
- I will never go fishing again with Virtanen... talks too much.

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Happy Times

Comrade Stalin! What are your hobbies?

-I collect jokes told about me.

-How many have you collected?

-About three full camps.

LOL

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

Jews in space.

Can't go wrong with Mel Brooks.

[TLAM Strike]

Originally Posted by Happy Times

Comrade Stalin! What are your hobbies?

-I collect jokes told about me.

-How many have you collected?

-About three full camps.

You had to open this can of worms didn't you...

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”




A missile silo officer falls asleep during his watch, with his face on the control board and "red button".

As the colonel comes in, the officer snaps up and proudly reports: "Nothing to report during my watch, comrade Colonel"

"Nothing to report, you say? Nothing to report?! Then where the hell is Belgium?!!"



Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Soviet and American, come to the surface. The Soviet one is old and rusty; the American one is new and shiny. On the Soviet one, the crew lounges about without any order, and a drunken captain yells at them: "Who threw a valenok (traditional Russian winter footwear made of felt) on the control board? I'm asking you, who threw a valenok on the control board?!". From the American submarine, a shaved, sober and well-dressed captain, notes sarcastically: "You know, folks, in America...". The Russian captain interrupts him, screaming: "America? America??! There is none of your ****ing America anymore!" (Turns back to the crew) "Who threw a valenok onto the control board?!"



Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"


"During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border."

The KGB, the Delta Force and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. Delta goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?" The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!" "Thanks!" says the American, shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!" "Don't be a smart-ass," says the captain, "just point your finger!"

[Happy Times]

What does the colors in Estonian flag symbolize?
- Blue = Beautiful Finnish blue sky.
- White = Beautiful Finnish white snowdrift.
- Black= Why the hell cant Estonia be part of Finland!?!

[AVGWarhawk]

British Humor:

One day Jim went fishing with his friend. After a few nautical miles the boat was stopped and fishing commenced. Jim and his friend were at the rail fishing together and much to their surprise the fishing was superb. Fish were pulled from the water one after the other. As the day drew to a close Jim asked his friend how might they find this exact spot next time as the fishing was excellent. Upon thinking about it Jims friend said they should paint a X on the side of the boat were the fishing was excellent. Jim replied, "Putting an X on the side of the boat will not work because we might have a different boat next time."

[Bilge_Rat]

A guy in Paris saw a Pit bull attacking a toddler.

He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life.

Reporters swarmed the fellow.

"Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Parisian Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris.

"Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and
tomorrow's headline will read: 'French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."

Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's
headlines will shout: 'European Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either.

"Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?

The guy says, "I'm from Israel.

"Reporters: "OK. Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world:
'Israeli Kills Girl's Dog!'"

[Bilge_Rat]

An old Jewish man with two big bags walks into a railway station in Germany, sees a German and asks him:
"Excuse me, what do you think about Jews?"
"Oh, I like Jewish culture and I love the Jewish nation!"

The old man walks further and asks another German:
"Please, tell me, do you like Jews?"
"Of course! Their mind and talent amazes me!"

He walks further and asks a third German:
"Do you like Jews?"
"What?! I hate them all! I hate them!"

"I see you are an honest man! Please look after my luggage for me while I am in the WC."

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by AVGWarhawk

British Humor:

One day Jim went fishing with his friend. After a few nautical miles the boat was stopped and fishing commenced. Jim and his friend were at the rail fishing together and much to their surprise the fishing was superb. Fish were pulled from the water one after the other. As the day drew to a close Jim asked his friend how might they find this exact spot next time as the fishing was excellent. Upon thinking about it Jims friend said they should paint a X on the side of the boat were the fishing was excellent. Jim replied, "Putting an X on the side of the boat will not work because we might have a different boat next time."

Now that would have been excellent if Jim had of come from Irish stock

[raymond6751]

I'm not Jewish but I'm surprised that this thread is here.

Next we'll be having white supremacist threads !

[Bilge_Rat]

A well off southern woman living near an army base in the deep American south wanted to do something patriotic for the boys in uniform so she decided to invite 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls.

She calls the base and asks to speak to the general in charge. Excitedly she gets right to the point, about inviting 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls, but then adds 'Don't send any Jews!,' to which the General after a pause answers 'OK'.

The next weekend with the party getting underway there's a knock on the southern woman's door. When she opens the door there stands five big african-american Army officers.

'There must be some mistake,' she mumbles.

'No mam,' answers the captain. 'General Cohen never makes a mistake.'

[AVGWarhawk]

Originally Posted by raymond6751

I'm not Jewish but I'm surprised that this thread is here.

Next we'll be having white supremacist threads !

I was as well but you know what, if you can not laugh at yourself then who can you laugh at? Call me what you want. Just do not call me late for dinner.

[Torvald Von Mansee]

Originally Posted by Platapus

Can't believe this list did not have the one about how Jews invented copper wire.

That only works if someone knows what a penny is.