Jokes about Jewish people

[Platapus]

Can't believe this list did not have the one about how Jews invented copper wire.

[TLAM Strike]

Originally Posted by Schroeder

Are there any jokes about Germans, I sure would like to hear some.

What's the difference between an English, a French and a German pensioner? The English one takes a Whiskey and goes fishing.The French one takes a glass of wine and goes playing Boule.The Germany one takes his cardiac drug and goes to work.

How do you make a German chocolate cake? First, you invade der kitchen.

After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.

I heard that now that Germany was reunited they were thinking about getting a new name. Odd...Germany was always keen on giving its neighbors a new name...GERMANY

Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word." The French guy says, "True, but Papillon is even more beautiful". "What's wrong with Schmetterlink?", says the German...

Why are there so many tree-lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Germans like to march in the shade!

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

What is the shortest book in the world?
Jewish sport heroes.

Originally Posted by Schroeder

Are there any jokes about Germans, I sure would like to hear some.

Originally Posted by Tchocky

German humour is no laughing matter!

Y'see, I always thought the shortest book in the world was The Complete Compendium Of German Humor.

Hans: I hate that we Germans have no sense of humor.

Fritz: Sure we do! We elected Hitler dictator, didn't we?

Originally Posted by Schroeder

What is heaven?
A place where the Brits are the comedians, the Italians the cooks and Germans the mechanics.

What is hell?
A place where the Brits cook, the Germans are comedians and the Italian do the mechanical stuff.

The way I heard it:

Heaven: The police are all British, the chefs are all Italian, the mechanics are all German, the lovers are all French and everything is run by the Swiss.

Hell: The police are all German, the chefs are all British, the mechanics are all French, the lovers are all Swiss and everything is run by the Italians.


An American pilot is shot down over Germany. He is severely wounded, so they take him to the hospital. A week later they amputate one of his arms. He asks that it be placed in a box and returned to America. The doctors agree.

A week later they amputate his leg, and the same request is made and honored. Another week passes and his other arm goes the same route.

A week after that they take his other leg, but this time when he makes the same request they answer "Nein! Zis ve cannot do!" When he asks why, he is told "Ve sink you are trying to escape!"

[antikristuseke]

An estonian, russian and german are on a plane to throw off something that their country as too much of. The russian goes first and throws off a case ofvodka, the german then throws off a case of beer, the estonian, however, grabs the russian and chucks him off the plane.

[Skybird]

Jokes like the 27-Jews-in-the-ashtray, are poor taste, to say the least. But telling them may be telling somehing about the person telling them.

---

This is a Jewish joke, from a book with jokes from Jews about Jews.

A very wealthy Jew who owns much land and several factories, is about to die, and in his last will, he rules in his testament that his three friends, an Englishman, a German, and a Jew, should get equal shares of this property, but they have to fulfill one condition: at the funeral, each of them has to throw one million into his grave, the money to be buried with him.

At the funeral, the German comes and sinks one million in gold coins into the grave.

Next comes the Englishman. He presents a check over one million and lets it fall into the grave.

Last comes the Jew. He picks up the gold coins and the check, and leaves a bond over 3 millions.

[Platapus]

Has anyone else read: Cracking Jokes: Studies of sick humor cycles and stereotypes by Alan Dundes?

It is a sociological study of why these sort of jokes were made. A very interesting read.

The book also has many examples, some of which can't be posted on this forum.

[nikimcbee]

Originally Posted by antikristuseke

An estonian, russian and german are on a plane to throw off something that their country as too much of. The russian goes first and throws off a case ofvodka, the german then throws off a case of beer, the estonian, however, grabs the russian and chucks him off the plane.

[nikimcbee]

Finnish drinking game
There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.
Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....
Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....


Famous last words of Finnish men
"Naah, we dont need no electrician here."
"We can go to my place - wife's on night shift"
"I love you Kristiina... eh, I mean Hanna..."
"In principal you shouldnt smoke so near the ammunition"
"Lets study the safety instructions later"
"The side effects of lot of alcohol is hugely exaggerated"
"I got some cheap Russian spirits to the wedding punch so the whole family can drink enough"
"Damn life save vest - not bothering to wear them"
"Look! Whats that bear cub doing alone in the forest?"
"Damn quick to drill the ice when it's this thin."

How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink enough Kosu (vodka) until the room starts spinning.
OR
(based on the fact that 'all' Finns are engineers) None. They fix the old one.


Finnglish menu items (real, but restaurant names withheld!)
Shrimp and crap salad for two.
Grilled pork shop.
You can have crap on your pizza.
Tepid chicken salad with bread.
We give you water only when you ask.
Dead snails from Åland in garlic and butter sauce.
The cock is recommending today's beef.
We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or well-done.
The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm.
Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce.
Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles.
Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa.
Try traditional Finnish pee soup.
We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room service card). Drink something if you want (room service card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the meat and some others.
Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where the chickens are alive.
This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good selection of mammal meat.
Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky rice and fishes.
Blini served with cream and not real caviar.
Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar and lingon berries.
Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas. After clock 21 are not. Sorry.
Meat with sweat and sour sauce.
Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream
Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls





You Know You've Been In Finland Too Long, When...
You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection.
You don't think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard to dry.
Silence is fun.
Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day.
You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it's open!"
Your native language has seriously deteriorated. Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".
You associate pea soup with Thursday.
Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.
After a presentation, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?"
Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions. Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers.
You accept alcohol as food.
You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes.
You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
You know that "one" beer means "let's get pissed."
When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American.
You've become lactose intolerant.
You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways.

[Platapus]

What does a WASP wife make for dinner?


Reservations

[Platapus]

A WASP wife was asked what where her favourite sexual positions.

Her answer was, "Positions?"

[Platapus]

Just to be an equal opportunity offender...

Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

[Sailor Steve]

I originally heard this back in the '70s as a Polish joke, but I've used it for just about every state in the Union and a lot of other countries as well:

Why, according to the Bible, could Jesus not have been born in Finland?

Because if you search the whole country you won't find three wise men or any virgins.

[joegrundman]

German Joke:

a couple in London just had a newborn boy.

The doctor, after examining the child, said that the boy was perfectly healthy, but he was german.

"what can this mean?" asked the parents, "we're both british - is there something wrong?"

"Nothing wrong with him, he's just german" said the doctor

The boy grew up perfectly fit and strong, but come age three he still hadn't spoken a word.

Then age four, still not a word

they took him to the doctor who said it's to be expected - he's german.

Age five not a word

One day at age 6, over dinner, the boy suddenly said "The soup is not up to your usual standard mother"

Shocked, the parents exclaimed "You can speak! Thank God! why didn't you say anything before?"

The boy said "Up until now everything has been satisfactory"