Return to Base (Balz)

[Brag]

Kplt. Johan Sebastian Balz wrote:

To BDU
From: U-123 (Balz)

Rejoice! I am returning to Base. ETA 0853 03 November 1940
You may start making preparations for my triumphal arrival. It would be nice if you would bring the Paris Symphony to welcome me at the dock with a program of Wagnerian music suitable for greeting such an exalted Teutonic HERO such as myself. An adoring crowd of a few thousand would also be appropriate. In the evening I will make myself available for a party at the officers club where all personnel in Lorient will have an opportunity to admire me.

Lorient 03 November 1940.
Admiral Doenitz smiled with satisfaction. Band, nurses and honor guard and several notables were present at the dock. After inspecting the honor guard, he told his adjutant, "Send U-123 a message. In docking you will be awarded the Swords and Diamonds for the Knight's Cross. You will disembark, goose step past the honor guard and stop in front of me."

LT. Kalb wrote.

It was lovely to be on the bridge in daytime and not be afraid of enemy airplanes. The town of Lorient was already in sight when I went below to inform our commander that we would be docking in fifteen minutes.

Wearing full service uniform with a white shirt and cleanly shaved, Balz sat on his bunk while Bernard tied Balz's shoe laces.
"Herr Kaleun," I said, "We are ready to enter port."
"It's a French port and France is ours, so call it le port," Balz answered.
"Tres bien, mon capitaine, nous somes prêt a rentrer le port."
Finished, Bernard stood, stepped back and saluted. "There, mon capitaine. Les shoe laces are tied firmement."
"Merci." Balz got up, moved forward and crashed on the deck. "You imbecile. mega-retarded brainless moron. You tie the left shoe lace on the shoe on the left foot and the right shoe lace on the shoe on the right foot."
Balz hobbled back to his bunk. "Left foot, right foot--got it?"
"Jawhol, Herr Kaleun.." Bernard got on his knees. "Is this your left foot?"
"No that's my right foot."
"How come it is to the left of your right foot?"
"That’s because we're facing different directions. You see my left foot to the right of my right foot and my right foot to the left of my left foot."
"Got it. Left foot to the left of the left foot."
"You brainless twit. No! My left foot is to the right of my right foot."
"Ach, so. You have two left feet."
"I have a right foot and a left foot. You see, the left shoe is on the left foot and the right shoe is on the right foot."
"But when I look at it, because I'm facing the other hundred and eighty degrees than the hundred and eighty degrees you are facing . . ."
"I am always facing three six zero degrees."
"Then, how come your left foot is to the right of your right foot?"
Balz shook his head and sighed. "Lets try port and starboard."
"For that, you need a red and a green sock."
"I will radio BDU immediately and tell them to air drop us red and green socks. In the meantime will you tie the left shoelace on the left foot and then repeat the operation on the right foot?"
"Oh, I should start on the left foot. What happens if I start on the right foot by mistake?"
"No harm done if you tie the left shoe lace on the left foot."
"But I asked about the right foot then the right foot will be tied ahead of the left foot, which would be tied after the right foot. "

U-123 stopped and the line handlers at the dock secured brow and spring lines.
Doenitz was relieved to see Balz wore proper uniform and a pristine white regulation cap.

The band played the Kadeten Marsch.
Doenitz clenched his fists and closed his eyes as a barefooted Balz goose stepped toward him.

[Rhodes]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Another great one from Balz!!!

[Kipparikalle]

Sometimes it feels that subsim is the last place on the internets with clever, and proper humour.

[Tango589]

Nice one Brag, another belter of a story!

Though i really do think Balz should invest in a pair of slip-ons.

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl:

But, Tango, slip-ons wouldn't be any more regulation than bare feet. I think Balz needs to have his mother teach him how to tie his own shoes. This wouldn't have happened if he wasn't such a mama's boy.

But you didn't hear me say that.

[Jimbuna]

LMAO :rotfl:

[sunvalleyslim]

I think Kapt. Balz should have worn his red and green fluffy bunny slippers..........:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[Task Force]

Anouther great one Brag.

[Brag]

Thanks for the kind words, guys

Info for Kaleuns in the DC area. On Oct 18, 2 PM I will be making a presentation on espionage and signing books at the Borders bookstore in Silver Spring.

As a novel of suspense, KINGMAKER is very different in style from the Balz stories. Nevertheless expect humor ambushes. A high ranking ex CIA officer commented:"Braguine is a master of the one liners."

Visit my site, there's a sample chapter of Kingmaker there.