Beer drinker's survival guide in pub

Dowly · 09-05-08, 01:16 AM

1.
Situtation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet
Cause: Mouth is not open while drinking or glassbeing applied to the wrong part of face
Action: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique will perfect.

2.
Situation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear
Cause: Glass is empty
Action: Find someone who will buy another pint for you.

3.
Situation: Feet are cold and wet.
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.

4.
Situation: Feet are warm and wet.
Cause: Loss of the self control.
Action: Go and stand next to the nearest dog and after a while complain to it's owner about dog's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.

5.
Situation: Bar blurred.
Cause: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Action: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

6.
Situation: Bar is swaying.
Cause: Air turbulence unusually high... maybe due to darts match in progress.
Action: Insert a broom handle down back of the jacket.

7.
Situation: Bar is moving.
Cause: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked!

8.
Situation: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has fluorescent light strip across it.
Cause: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm: stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.

9.
Situation: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog ends and teeth.
Cause: You have fallen over forwards.
Action: As for falling over backwards. See above.

10.
Situation: You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Cause: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Action: Check your watch to see is it opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

11.
Situation: Everything has gone dark.
Cause: The pub is closing.
Action: Panic!!

Have a nice weekend!

TarJak · 09-05-08, 03:18 AM

You missed one:

Situtation: You wake up naked next to something marginally identifyable as human and you can't identify the room as yours
Cause: You picked up but not with someone you'd normally touch with a bargepole
Action: Carefully get out of bed and find your clothes and get out the door quickly and quietly as possible. Consult a GP as soon as possible

Dowly · 09-05-08, 03:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarJak

You missed one:

Situtation: You wake up naked next to something marginally identifyable as human and you can't identify the room as yours
Cause: You picked up but not with someone you'd normally touch with a bargepole
Action: Carefully get out of bed and find your clothes and get out the door quickly and quietly as possible. Consult a GP as soon as possible

Ewwww... the memories...

antikristuseke · 09-05-08, 03:53 AM

I have never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but i have woken up next to some.

HunterICX · 09-05-08, 10:27 AM

Situation: You wake up because of a annoying beeping sound and you'll notice you are wired to something
Cause: You've been dumb and decided to drive yourself home
Action: Remember always to not to drink your wallet dry and save some for a Taxi

HunterICX

STEED · 09-05-08, 11:30 AM

Pubs are closing down here in the UK. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

That will teach the bastards to over charge.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

sunvalleyslim · 09-05-08, 11:44 AM

Great One Dowly.............:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Jimbuna · 09-05-08, 01:20 PM

As I've often told you on TS Dowly.....I've never went to bed with a dog in my life, but I have woke up with quite a few

Tango589 · 09-05-08, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by STEED

Pubs are closing down here in the UK. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

That will teach the bastards to over charge.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

It's no bloody good laughing Steed, I'm running out of watering holes!

mrbeast · 09-05-08, 03:57 PM

STEED · 09-05-08, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tango589

Quote:

Originally Posted by STEED

Pubs are closing down here in the UK. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

That will teach the bastards to over charge.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

It's no bloody good laughing Steed, I'm running out of watering holes!

Buy your booze from the supermarket its cheaper.

TarJak · 09-05-08, 04:56 PM

Yeah but then you become a lonely sad git sitting at home drinking on your own. Unless you invite your mates around which means Gordon and Tony sitting in your front room drinking all your grog.

:rotfl::rotfl:

mrbeast · 09-05-08, 06:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarJak

Yeah but then you become a lonely sad git sitting at home drinking on your own. Unless you invite your mates around which means Gordon and Tony sitting in your front room drinking all your grog.

:rotfl::rotfl:

Yeah Tony and Gordon are a bit boring way better to wait till Robert can pop over from Zimbabwe; hes a scream once hes got a couple down him!

STEED · 09-05-08, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrbeast

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarJak

Yeah but then you become a lonely sad git sitting at home drinking on your own. Unless you invite your mates around which means Gordon and Tony sitting in your front room drinking all your grog.

:rotfl::rotfl:

Yeah Tony and Gordon are a bit boring way better to wait till Robert can pop over from Zimbabwe; hes a scream once hes got a couple down him!

And invite Mrs Clinton as the stripper.

Jimbuna · 09-06-08, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by STEED

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrbeast

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarJak

Yeah but then you become a lonely sad git sitting at home drinking on your own. Unless you invite your mates around which means Gordon and Tony sitting in your front room drinking all your grog.

:rotfl::rotfl:

Yeah Tony and Gordon are a bit boring way better to wait till Robert can pop over from Zimbabwe; hes a scream once hes got a couple down him!

And invite Mrs Clinton as the stripper.

Oh yes.

09-05-08, 01:16 AM	#1
Dowly Lucky Jack Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 25,053 Downloads: 32 Uploads: 0	Beer drinker's survival guide in pub 1. Situtation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet Cause: Mouth is not open while drinking or glassbeing applied to the wrong part of face Action: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique will perfect. 2. Situation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear Cause: Glass is empty Action: Find someone who will buy another pint for you. 3. Situation: Feet are cold and wet. Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling. 4. Situation: Feet are warm and wet. Cause: Loss of the self control. Action: Go and stand next to the nearest dog and after a while complain to it's owner about dog's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation. 5. Situation: Bar blurred. Cause: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Action: Find someone who will buy you another pint. 6. Situation: Bar is swaying. Cause: Air turbulence unusually high... maybe due to darts match in progress. Action: Insert a broom handle down back of the jacket. 7. Situation: Bar is moving. Cause: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked! 8. Situation: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has fluorescent light strip across it. Cause: You have fallen over backwards. Action: If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm: stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar. 9. Situation: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog ends and teeth. Cause: You have fallen over forwards. Action: As for falling over backwards. See above. 10. Situation: You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Cause: You have spent the night in the gutter. Action: Check your watch to see is it opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in. 11. Situation: Everything has gone dark. Cause: The pub is closing. Action: Panic!! Have a nice weekend!

09-05-08, 10:27 AM	#5
HunterICX Rear Admiral Join Date: May 2006 Location: Malaga, España Posts: 10,750 Downloads: 8 Uploads: 0	Situation: You wake up because of a annoying beeping sound and you'll notice you are wired to something Cause: You've been dumb and decided to drive yourself home Action: Remember always to not to drink your wallet dry and save some for a Taxi HunterICX __________________

09-05-08, 11:30 AM	#6
STEED Lucky Jack Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Down Town UK Posts: 27,695 Downloads: 89 Uploads: 48	Pubs are closing down here in the UK. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: That will teach the bastards to over charge. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: __________________ Dr Who rest in peace 1963-2017. To borrow Davros saying...I NAME YOU CHIBNALL THE DESTROYER OF DR WHO YOU KILLED IT!

09-05-08, 11:44 AM	#7
sunvalleyslim Ace of the Deep Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, Ca Posts: 1,142 Downloads: 267 Uploads: 0	Great One Dowly.............:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: __________________ Crew member/ decommission member TM2(SS)(SD) 3/68-7/70 DIESEL BOATS FOREVER USS SEGUNDO (SS398)

09-05-08, 01:20 PM	#8
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,552 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As I've often told you on TS Dowly.....I've never went to bed with a dog in my life, but I have woke up with quite a few __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-05-08, 03:18 AM	#2
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	You missed one: Situtation: You wake up naked next to something marginally identifyable as human and you can't identify the room as yours Cause: You picked up but not with someone you'd normally touch with a bargepole Action: Carefully get out of bed and find your clothes and get out the door quickly and quietly as possible. Consult a GP as soon as possible

09-05-08, 03:53 AM	#4
antikristuseke Silent Hunter Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Estland Posts: 4,330 Downloads: 3 Uploads: 0	I have never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but i have woken up next to some.

09-05-08, 03:57 PM	#10
mrbeast Ace of the Deep Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Bolton, UK Posts: 1,236 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	__________________

09-05-08, 04:56 PM	#12
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Yeah but then you become a lonely sad git sitting at home drinking on your own. Unless you invite your mates around which means Gordon and Tony sitting in your front room drinking all your grog.:rotfl::rotfl: