13th Patrol (Balz)

[Brag]

The first officer of the U-53, Lt. Z.S. Otto Kalb writes:

June 1941

Captain Balz was in a bad mood when we left Lorient. "BDU are a bunch of bastards," he grumbled after lining up U-53 behind the Vorpostenboot escorting us out to sea. "Don't the idiots know how to count? Everyone knows this is our 13th. Patrol. They could have sent us out one day earlier or one day later. But, no--they have to send us out on the 13th! Why didn't they say, tie a black cat to the periscope for more bad luck?"
After slapping his cap on the periscope housing several times, he said, "Assemble the choir in the Zentralle and have them sing the hoochie-woochie song."

The following morning, found us steaming under sunny skies and a fresh breeze from the NW. Balz sat on the chart box next to the ladder wearing golden silk pajamas and sipping tea.
"That's a fetching outfit, Herr Kaleun," I couldn't resist in saying. "Must be the latest U-boat fashion."
"Fashion, hell! This is my survival suit."
"Huh?"
Balz gave me a glaring look. "Can you imagine a Royal Navy destroyer commander sailing out of Portsmouth looking for a guy in silk pajamas?" Balz stood, handed me his empty teacup, placed a bowler hat on his head, and climbed up the conning tower.

Kalb will keep us informed of the progress of this bad-omen patrol.

[seafarer]

:hmm: I'm told, according to ancient chinese proverbs, that 13 is one of my lucky numbers.

Think positive - and good luck.


P.S. I checked a calender for 1941 - at least you did not sail on a Friday - never, EVER sail on a Friday (the 13th or otherwise). 00:01 hours Saturday morning will be fine to slip lines, but NEVER on a Friday - EVER!

[Brag]

Kalb writes:

18 June 1941 AM5119

Balz had most of the crew jampacked in the aft crew compartment and holding choir practice. Right in the middle of Meet me in Balzimore You Hoochie Woochie, he stopped and ordered a dive to periscope depth.

The soundman reported a contact.
"Ach, ja. My great instinct works again. That is what makes me the greatest Kaleun the world has ever seen," Balz said, gesticulating like windmill. "Plot intercept then surface, I have to get dressed for the occasion.

I was on the bridge and reported the smoke smudge on the horizon. Balz appeared wearing a burgundy robe over his pajamas. He was quite a sight wearing also his bowler hat and all his medals pinned to the robe.

"Prepare to attack, gun-crew on deck, speed one third ahead, new course zero three five. Choir on deck."

We were 1200 meters from the passenger/cargo when Balz ordered the choir to sing.

"Open fire!" Balz ordered.
Five minutes later the pax/cargo was sinking as the choir sang The Ride of the Hoochie Woochies.

If this wasn't war I'd swear I was in a nuthouse.




.

[KeptinCranky]

Herr Kalb has forgotten to notify us of KptLt. Balz's intended destination for what will surely be another magnificent patrol. Surely the Kriegsmarine's greatest intends to seek out the most fiendishly dangerous areas just to spite the nay-sayers, doom-prophets and sundry unbelievers?

edit: argh simultaneous post :P

[U49]

Originally Posted by Brag

Balz appeared wearing a burgundy robe over his pajamas. He was quite a sight wearing also his bowler hat and all his medals pinned to the robe.

I wonder how many more deck gun shells could have been carried (and put to use in advancing our war effort) instead of all that wardrobe stuff?

[sunvalleyslim]

With all those medals on his chest, I'm wondering how he could get up the ladder to the bridge. If he falls overboard, he'll sink like a hard hat diver...............

[andylegate]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

OMG! Please, stop! I've been laughing so hard my sides hurt and I can't breath!!!!


:rotfl:

[headcase]

Balz sinking is not probable. He has too much positive boyancy due internal heated gases. But he does have a very good choir.

[Brag]

Kalb writes:

26 June 1941

100 kms. east of Rockall Bank. AM4244. We sailed surfaced but with silent running as Capt. Balz demanded quiet while he worked on a new song. At 1345 the Funker whispered,"Large convoy."

I plotted the position on the chart. The convoy was heading our way. I went to Balz's bunk. "Herr Kaleun."

"Shhhhh." We're at silent running," Balz said.
I whispered, "Large Convoy"
"What did you say?"
"Large Convoy, Herr Kaleun."
"Shhhh, don't speak so loudly when we're in silent running."
I lowered my voice. "Large convoy, we can intercept in three hours just by changing course to 330."
"Ok." Balz nodded, his attention back on his notebook. "Hoochie, woochie."

At 1515 we went to periscope depth and the hydrophone picked up noise from numerous ships. Balz listened for a few moments. "When you are a talented musician like I am you develop a fine ear. But where are the escorts?"
"Maybe the U-boat who reported the convoy sank them all," I offered.
"That's as likely as you singing in the Berlinstaadsopera." Balz growled.

Half hour later, the captain ordered, "Balzing stations!"
We turned ninety degrees to the convoy and could hear the thumping of approaching ships laboring in heavy seas.

"Up periscope." Balz whirled the scope while doing his hoochie woochie dance steps. "Tubes one and two, impact pistols, range 1400 meters, speed 9 knots--flood! Greetings from Balz the Magnificent, feur einz."
He swung the periscope 30 degrees. Tube two depth 12 meters. Feur zwei."
"Tube five, depth 12 meters range 400 meters, flood."
"Torpedo treffer!."
This was followed by two premature explosions. A staccato of machinegun bullets drummed on our conning tower as it broached.
"Down scope, ahead flank, new depth 150 meters. Rudder to port 20 degrees.
A large ship thundered overhead.
"Here come the missing escorts, Herr Kalb. Twenty degrees starboard rudder, speed one knot."
"Passing 50 meters."
"That was a whale factory we've hit. Any sinking noises?"
"Negative, Herr Kaleun."
Balz tossed his bowler hat across the Zentralle. "A great Balz attack and not a single sinking!" He hammered the chart table with his fist. "This is the end, this is the end."
"Wasserbomben."
Instead of giving further orders, Balz sat on the chart box and sang softly, "Meet me in Balzimore, you hoochie woochie."
Depth charges began to explode.

[andylegate]

"Wasserbomben."
Instead of giving further orders, Balz sat on the chart box and sang softly, "Meet me in Balzimore, you hoochie woochie."
Depth charges began to explode.

:rotfl:

Me thinks Kaleun Balz needs some shore leave!!!

[Brag]

Kalb writes:

Two more escorts joined with their attentions. Balz had his song writing notebook out. Every time the soundman announced "Wasserbomben," Balz would add, "Boom-boom."

Soon, the whole U-boat was whisper-singing, "Wasserbomben, boom-boom, hoochie-woochie.

Never getting a good bead on us, the escorts left. We came to persicope depth. Balz stopped his scanning and slapped his leg. He looked around the Zentralle. "Prepare for murderous attack against a helpless victim. We have a poor whale factory bobbing in the water--surface."

On the bridge, Balz waved his bowler at the stricken vessel which showed no sign of sinking. "Abandon ship, you fools," He yelled.

The British crew answered with a hail of bullets from GWX guns mounted on the ship's rigging.

"Fire tube four."
I pressed the firing button and ducked behind the bridge rail as bullets clancked.
Balz squatted on the deck with stopwatch in hand, but his attention was on the bowler, which now sported a bullet hole.

The torpedo exploded in the forward part of the ship and the guns stopped firing.
"I just had inspiration to write a poem," Balz announced. There was a whaler in port, he wasn't really a bad sort, hoochie woochie--do you like it?"
I wanted to groan, but said, "I like the hoochie woochie part, it's original."
Balz gave me a dirty look and placed the bowler with the bullet hole on his head. "Let's catch up with that convoy. We have some ships to sink."

[Huskalar]

Originally Posted by Brag

Kalb writes:Soon, the whole U-boat was whisper-singing, "Wasserbomben, boom-boom, hoochie-woochie.

:rotfl::rotfl:

[Brag]

Kalb writes:

The monster convoy changed course during the night and it was already first light when we submerged to ambush it. Wearing his bathrobe and medals, Balz made his grandiose entrance into the Zentralle doing some weird dance steps. The bullet hole on his bowler hat was nicelly centered on his forehad. He looked through the periscope. "The sunrise of doom has come," he announced.
" Hmmmmmm," the planesmen led by Bernard hummed.
"Tankers galore and the lead escort is past our beam. As the sun comes up, tankers will go down."
"Hmmmmmm."
"A cruel sea will take its due."
"Hmmmmmm."
"As high priests of the deep, we will make sacrificial offerings to the gods of war.
"Hmmmmm."
"Bernard, place your hands on the deck and sit on them. Everyone else--Balzing stations!"

The attack went well. Balz fired 3 torpedoes. Two medium modern tankers sank and and a whale factory was damaged. Soon, we had five escorts circling like fleas looking for a home.
The British crews would never believe they were hunting for a man wearing medals pinned to a dirty old bathrobe and a bowler hat with a bullethole over his forehead.
"Wasserbomben."
"Hmmmmmm."
"Boom-boom," Balz added.

[Kodaita]

Damn it, now everytime I hear "Wasserbomben", I'm going to starting singing that song. My wife is already worried about me, this will push her over the edge.... "Wasserbomben, boom-boom, hoochie-woochie"

[Brag]

Kalb writes:

The chef's special of the day was historical pork cutlets from another age. We sat finishing dinner. Balz's golden silk pajamas looked like he's been dunking them in the soup. The mood aboard U-53 was grim.
"With two torpedoes left," Balz said, "No way we'll get 100,000 tons for this patrol. We're a disgrace. The great, magnificent Balz brought down to reality. Down to the level of other Kaleuns--disaster!" He hit the table with his fist.
The officers had to quickly grab their glasses with U-boot cocktail desert to prevent them from spilling.
Balz leaned back and smiled. "Brilliant as I am, I have an idea."
Bernard turned and splattered U-boot desert cocktail all over Gelwitz. "Yes, Captain, an idea?"
"Ja. I can tell the Gestapo to muster out the kids at the orphanages and collect money for a Balz grandiose party. The kids will carry cans with a slot donor can stick money in, but the orphan blighters can't steal." Balz's face lit up like a destroyer's search light. "I knew those kids would be good for something. Maybe I can organize them into a choir."