Take a moment to be grateful

[Red October1984]

Life is worth living no matter how bad it is.

While I may not be very old, I know what it's like.

I didn't have any friends that I could talk to every day or do stuff with during my childhood. Almost everybody I knew avoided me and all the other kids in school made fun of me. I was "that kid" for a long time. Having no friends is hard. I tried and tried but still....nothing. There were times when I just wanted it to end...wanted a way out....wanted to belong somewhere and be accepted and be normal....

That didn't happen until a couple years ago.

Outside of my family, I can count on one hand the people my age that I can trust. I've got my two best friends that I don't know where I'd be without. Life still sucks though. I remember the first time somebody else actually defended me. I told him that nobody has ever done that before and it made my day, month, etc. It felt good.

Going through my childhood with no friends made me socially awkward... It's just how it is. I'm constantly being turned down by the girls and parties are being thrown across the street without me being invited... It sucks...it really does. I hate seeing my few friends and everybody else make plans without me.

Alone with my thoughts.... That's how it feels. My one friend used to tell me to smile more. He used to ask me what's wrong. He doesn't need to now because I can tell him. Nobody ever did that for me. I was always just alone with my thoughts. I used to imagine up these big huge stories that I would continue in my head for days in my free time.

One year, I didn't play on the basketball team so during the P.E. Class, I didn't do anything. The coach at that time was super-hardcore-basketball-nazi and he had his favorites. I was not one of them.

For over 3/4 of that school year, one hour a day, I dribbled a ball around the gym. Alone with my thoughts....occasionally getting to play.

I was always the kid who wasn't even picked and was put on a team by default. The pickers would go through everybody until there's me and another guy. One would pick the other guy and I'd walk over to the other team hearing "Oh man..we have him on our team"

They would come after me on purpose when we'd play games. Fouls in basketball...they'd aim for the face in wiffleball....they'd trip me in kickball...etc. You get the idea. I was not wanted playing sports. It eventually got to the point where I just said "Screw this! I'm reading my book at recess from now on." There were times where i'd wish to get injured in the game so I could have an excuse to sit out.

There was the odd person that would come and be friendly...some went on to stab me in the back...some are friends now. I only have 8 people in my class including me. There are 3 others who I'd actually see outside of school and even then...they aren't the nicest, friendliest people.

I kept to myself all through my childhood basically. I wasn't wanted. Now, I'm accepted but still ignored.

I just keep thinking to myself....One of these days I'll be a pilot...and one of these days I'll meet that girl...and one of these days I'll be happy. Staying busy with things I like doing keep me going throughout the school year. Last school year was just particularly hard.

There are some things I won't go into because they are more personal...but the main one that kept me down throughout February and March was the girl...

The one who I barely ever had talked to...

We started talking around November and I figured out this girl was awesome. If I was going to make a girlfriend out of any of the girls I know, it's going to be this one. So we talked and stuff and it was nice for a few months. I loved talking to her...until I was dumb enough to ask her out.

You see, at that point I had been friendzoned. The worst part is I didn't realize it.

When Valentine's Day rolled around I got her a nice card from the school BETA Club and I wrote my little note and I was going to put it in her locker. I didn't get a chance to do that since teachers were patrolling the halls like eagles with telescopes. I ended up giving it to her at the end of the day.She wouldn't read it in front of me...but she said thanks, hugged me (as close as I ever got), and walked away.

About an hour and a half later, I get a text...

I still have it saved on my old phone.

This is how it went unedited:

"Ok well i really like u but not in tht way. Weve gotten to be pretty good friends but i just can't go out with you. I just dont like u in tht way but i do like talking to u and ur really funny and the card was really sweet but im gonna have to say no. Im sorry "

She barely said a word the next day. She avoided me for 2 months until she actually came and talked to me. It was just little small talk but it was painful.

I know exactly what you're thinking. "Ah. Young love...it happens"

This was the first girl I really had feelings for. Every other girl when I was younger would get that nervous "Get me out of here" look in her eye when I tried to talk to them. This girl actually talked to me and she has an awesome personality. There was no other girl like this that I had met. To sum up the rest of the girls I ever liked...they all went just like it happened in Despicable Me 2. Watch this video and at 0:30 it's the best representation of how it was for me.

I would sit down on the bleachers near where she was sitting and she would look at me and sit on the other side of the bench. I'd go up and ask her a question and she'd pretend she didn't hear me even if we were the only two people in the room. On baseball away games, she'd hug everybody on the team except for me.

That was painful...for a while... And what else?

She starts getting really friendly with a guy who I don't really care for but who I saw and talked to every day.

"Oh my god, I'm gonna miss you this summer," she says to this guy on the last day of school across the parking lot. "I'm coming to every one of your baseball games this summer!"

I was loading my stuff into the back of my friend's Mustang and may have slammed the trunk a little harder than usual. At this point, she had ignored me for a good 3 months. It still stung every day to get up and see what I was >< that close to talk to another guy and get real friendly with him.

I managed to not think about her this entire summer until she texted me "Happy Fourth of July!" the other day and we had small talk about fireworks.

Now, it's starting to eat at me a little bit. I regret giving her that card...

This isn't to say I won't try again. I'm hoping to take her on an actual date. We'll see once school starts how it'll go.


But that was (one of many) a big discouragement of 2013. This year just hasn't been my year.

I've basically fought tooth and nail for the social position I'm in now though. It took many years of bullying...and now I'm accepted by my peers. They talk to me and they aren't like they used to be.... They respect me now. They come to me whenever they have a history question or a question about computers. They want me to play sports with them...but again...as I said, I'm still ignored by many unless it's necessary to socialize with me.

I know you probably have bigger and worse problems than me...but I've got a childhood full of pain and lonelyness that has grown into a teenaged, socially awkward guy who is an expert at hiding feelings and is accepted and liked by his peers after years of being alone.

TBH, i still feel alone. It's one thing that hasn't gone away. That girl tapped into that feeling and made it worse. That first two months was terrible...I lost some sleep some nights.


Venting a little bit of this on here helps...I would never, ever, ever commit suicide even if i've had the thought. It's the unforgivable sin. I think it's the worst thing you can do when you feel beat down.

I just constantly think "It can only get better from here. In 20 years, none of this will matter. I've just got to stick it out and keep trying" Humor is a big part of coping...along with music and my two best friends. However, there is that feeling of darkness and loneliness in the back of my mind.

I can't watch certain shows/movies/etc without thinking "People aren't that nice in real life. This is too happy to be real" but then again...I've not been around nice people for most of my childhood.

Sometimes, you might see it reflect in my posts....most times, you won't. I just know that life is a hell of a lot better than it was and I'm thankful for having made progress. I'm thankful for a great many things...and like some of you...I'm thankful for a lot of little things that cheer me up.

Subsim is great for me. It allows me to talk about stuff that interests me...it allows me to talk to people who don't judge me for what has happened in the past. Just last year when I was talking to this guy he told me "Oh. I was absolutely sure that you'd turn out gay" (No offense to anybody. This is what somebody else said and I"m quoting it) because since no girls talked to me, that's what everybody thought of me for a while until I fought and managed to put down that rumor.

Subsim also has introduced me to people who have been through the same stuff...who can talk about this kind of thing and understand...

I'm good now though. I'm happy to be alive and lucky that I have a good family behind me and that I have my friends. Life, while it sucks very much sometimes, is still good.

I don't really have much else to add at this point. The story feels unfinished for some reason...but I just can't think of why. It's quite possibly the longest post I've ever typed.

Suicide is bad. It's not the way out. The way out is to fight through it and give it your best shot.