The Special Snowflake in Desert: A Fallout 3 AAR

[Hottentot]

Due to popular demand (put that knife away, Dowly!) it's time for another AAR. Besides, I've been promising this for a while and now is as good time as any.

I don't think Fallout 3 needs any introduction on this forum, so let's just say a few words about the story this time. I haven't made fun of my own kind for a while and besides, I need to vent after years of putting up with exactly the kind of people targeted in this AAR. You will see soon enough what I'm talking about, so no spoilers in the intro.

Dedicated with a friendly wink to all you fellow academics out there (CCIP, Takeda and the others), but also with thanks to you less educated people among us: believe me, without knowing a good bunch of you and enjoying the common sense and talking about something more interesting than politics and school in your company on regular basis, I would have become mad(er) ages ago.

So put on your totally-globally-conscious-and-ethical-sunglasses on and let's see how the special little snowflake will fare in the heat of post-apocalyptic wasteland.

- - - - - - - - -



Hi! I'm Laura-Anne! I'm a vegetarian! And a feminist! And I support green values! And I'm ten times smarter than you! Who are you, by the way? OK! Let's talk more about me!





I remember when I was born! It was exciting! I remember there was lots of white and red! That's why I dyed my hair pink! To remind me of that time! It's like the karmic law, you know what that is? Oh, no matter!





The first thing I saw was a person whom I thought must be my mother, because she looked smart and stuff! But it was already then that I got my first touch to the patriarchy!





Can you imagine? Like, I was just born and they, like, totally wanted me to already categorize myself to their patriarchal gender roles before they wanted to know anything about my political consciousness! Seriously!





Like, since when is that a yes or no question? My best friend Bianca-Peter says that you can be both if you want! It's your choice! This is a free world and I refuse to be opressed by the old, dirty men who don't even know what Facebook is!





And then right after I had answered that question, there was this old man who wanted me to call him "daddy"! That's, like...eeeww!





And of course he started treating me like a sex object right away! Telling me to define what I look like! And I was also supposed to choose this "race", like, you know, if I'm like black or white or what! The obvious racism of the oppressive patriarchy came clear to me as soon as I was born and I understood that it is my mission to make the world better place by telling everyone what my political opinions are! And save animals too! Except the fishes: they are slimy and you can't pet them at all!





Go away! You can't touch me in that place! I'm an emancipated person!





My childhood was highly traumatic. I have no idea what happened to my mother, but I grew up with the daddy parent who very much tried to opress me with his gender and age roles.





Like, I remember all the toys I had were, like, totally boy toys! It was to make me miserable!





He didn't let me think on my own, but forced thousands of years old patriarchal values on me with these propaganda posters littered around my room!





And he totally tried to shove the commercial capitalism down my throat and not let me play with the anarcho-syndicalists living in the next room.





The phallic symbols above my bed didn't help either.

[Hottentot]

And every time I was bad, he put me in a cage!




Fortunately I was already then smart and knew how to open it.




I also understood already at young age, that the way for a small, defenseless young girl like me to stand up for my rights...




Was to artificially make myself taller. So I got high heels as soon as I could and haven't walked in anything else since then.




This was my favorite book! I got lots of impressions from it!




Of course, it too was tainted by the masculine, right wing male chauvinist values, trying to brainwash me.




I mean, come on! Why was there, like, a playboy-looking male on every page and he was winking at me?!




Look! Again! Stop winking at me, you pervert!




The book also tried to make me accept animal abuse, like when that bad man was trying to stomp that cute fuzzy cat! It was all to make me eat meat, but I wouldn't! Eating meat is totally wrong and unethical because I love animals!




Of course, the propaganda lessons the daddy parent gave me wouldn't listen to any of that. And whenever I told him that I'm an emancipated woman who knows that eating meat causes the climate change to destroy the world...




...He would take me into a dark room and insist I would call him daddy to his friends.

[Dowly]

(put that knife away, Dowly!)

Fine!

[Red October1984]

Fallout 3 AAR?

This is going to be a long-ass thread.

[Hottentot]

I remember also when I turned ten. That was, like, totally oppressive day too! Like, what is the age? I'm, like, spiritually much older than I'm physically and you can't categorize me just by the size of my breasts!




Of course, these backwater idiots wouldn't listen to any of that. Instead the old overseer, the high guard of the repression, told me that I would be forcefully integrated to their system now that I was old enough.




As a symbol of oppression he gave me this wrist computer, which is still stuck on my arm like a tattoo.




My best friend Amata was already deeply brainwashed into believing the lies of the patriarchy and gave me a masculine comic book. She couldn't understand when I lectured her about how Hoppe would never approve of that and was for some reason very offended when I just told her that she is a naive imbecile who should die.




I also got a sweetroll from Old Lady Palmer, but I wouldn't be fooled! With my keen eyes I could tell that it contained 0,00000000001 % of meat and saw through her attempt to brainwash me!




Then there was this Butch boy, who was a jerk already back then. But he came from a working class family, so you can sort of understand it. Not that I have anything against the working class, mind you. I'm sure they are nice people. After all, it's not their fault that they happen to be stupid, under educated, smelly and supporting obsolete right wing values.




I didn't get my carrot-broccoli cake either, because this stupid robot ruined it!




And to make sure everyone was laughing at me, I had to wear this stupid phallic symbol on my head.




And then daddy said the words I had learned to fear.




I still remember it! He forced me to hold a gun! He said it was either that or he would beat me! Well okay, I'm not sure if he said that, but does it matter?! I mean, like, totally! A gun! Like he didn't know that guns are objects of boosting masculinity for those with inferiority complex and kill people and hurt animals and should totally be all banned!




I never really saw the appeal in shooting old metal plates either, but daddy was standing behind me all the time and making sure I would do it.




Then he released this ugly bug to crawl around the floor! I was so scared that I had to shoot it! Because it wasn't cute at all, you know! It was a bug! That's different!




So then we left together and I was like, totally, yay, happy birthday to me...:-(

[Penguin]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

Then there was this Butch boy, who was a jerk already back then. But he came from a working class family, so you can sort of understand it. Not that I have anything against the working class, mind you. I'm sure they are nice people. After all, it's not their fault that they happen to be stupid, under educated, smelly and supporting obsolete right wing values.

lmfao!


keep on with the great writing - the People's Front of Germany demands it!

[Red October1984]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

I still remember it! He forced me to hold a gun! He said it was either that or he would beat me! Well okay, I'm not sure if he said that, but does it matter?! I mean, like, totally! A gun! Like he didn't know that guns are objects of boosting masculinity for those with inferiority complex and kill people and hurt animals and should totally be all banned!

It's going to be a loooooooonnnnnnnnggggg game for you sir. There's not a thing wrong with guns.

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Penguin

keep on with the great writing - the People's Front of Germany demands it!

I thought we were the German People's Front?

Originally Posted by Red October1984

This is going to be a long-ass thread

Originally Posted by Red October1984

It's going to be a loooooooonnnnnnnnggggg game for you sir.

Yes, thank you for repeating this invaluable piece of advice. I believe writing these stories on this forum for several years has given me some insight on the subject. But what would I know when just randomly starting something like this for, after all, I'm just a humble servant trying only my best to bring you some meager amount of amusement with my feeble, not mention-worthy capabilities.

I welcome comments in my AAR threads, but knowing there are people who have specifically said in the past that they are not commenting because they don't want to disturb the story, I also request that their wish is respected as well. I believe that's not unreasonable.

- - - - - - - - - -


My life continued. Daddy would keep playing doctor with me and say I wasn't allowed to play with boys without his approval, which I never got.




I kept asking if I could get a pony, but all he ever promised me was a goat on my 16th birthday.





On the way to get my new pet I remember meeting Butch and his gang oppressing Amata. Of course Amata wasn't very emancipated yet, even though I had lectured her about my political opinions for the last six years, but she was making process and not submitting to the obsolete gender hierarchy anymore like she used to.





Butch, on the other hand, was beyond all hope, despite of me telling him all the time that wearing leather jacket was highly unethical and some child somewhere had starved because of it plus some poor cow had lost its life for it too.





However, I knew how to play their opressive tendencies against them and with my quick wits and shining intelligence I made her leave Amata alone on that day.




So off I went again to get my goat, but imagine my horror when it occurred to me that daddy had lied to me and goat was, in fact, just some stupid test which I had to take to prove, like, the totally obvious fact that I was smarter than anyone here.




But since I was always a good student and totally smart, I decided to take this test too and write my essay about the modern theories of feminism.




But this test was very different from all the other exams I had taken during my courses. I mean, it had really weird questions, like this first one which was no question but a thinly veiled double entendre. I swear daddy has used that same phrase at least twice in the past with me.





Then they asked about sports, which I had always found boring. Like, the boys always talked about their oppressed girls and getting to the second base. Typical men who couldn't even hold up a conversation, changing subject in the middle of the sentence!





The questions got weirder and weirder. Like, first of all, I don't even have a grandmother and even if I did, I'm sure she wouldn't be republican enough to have a pistol, so I didn't answer that one.




I also resented how it encouraged reading masculine, unintellectual rubbish instead of Foucault's latest articles.




And how it implied what me and daddy had done in the restroom was just disgusting and I sure let the exam maker know what I thought about this particular question.




I wasn't really convinced of the scientific objectivity of this exam either and was sure to get bad grades just because I was a liberal thinking woman with globally conscious values.




And in retrospect it would have been much more convincing exam if they gave me a paper and pencil like everyone else in the first place. See the system in work!




Yeah, you don't say? So I was off to bed.

[Oberon]

Enjoying this one, Hottentot, fight the inequalities of post-apocalyptic 'merica!

[Hottentot]

The next thing I remember was someone screaming in my ear just as I was dreaming of my future, adopted and gender neutral children and thinking of proper names like "fox" and "wolf" for them.





I was still pretty pleasantly surprised to meet the person with whom I was planning to adopt them. Not that I'm going to tell secrets like that to you just yet.





However sh...err, I mean, the Person was very distressed and said daddy had gone somewhere without telling me. That was very unlike daddy. He usually said: "I'm going to the loo and come back in five minutes, so don't even think of running."





So Ama...um, the Person said I was in big trouble because apparently escaping from the Patriarchy was a huge sin and like in some backwater masculine fascist dictatorship they would then punish the kin too. That's me. So the Person told me I should escape too.


I was shocked about this! My daddy parent, after all these years, turned out to me a freedom fighter!





It was then that I understood that I should pack up my stuff and follow him into wherever he had went to help fighting the good fight against the tyranny of white heterosexual, meat eating, right wing males!





For emancipation!





Of course now that the truth was out, I wasn't popular anymore. Butch, in particular, had finally figured out what I told him right before that goat test and didn't want to be my friend anymore. It never occurred to him that he never was in the first place.





And of course the tyrannical police force of the place I was living in was also trying to take me again to the dark daddy room as soon as they found me.





But I wasn't going to listen to it! No more! Down with the thousands of years old traditions and established society structures!





I still have nightmares of that day, though! The place was full of bugs and I had to fight them off with my bare fists!





But even as pacifist as I am, I enjoyed giving some good slapping to the opressors that had kept me down for so many years now. It felt...liberating...





And after countless of bugs...





...giving the finger to the old Overseer who had tried making me the slave of his system...





...And a few more slaps for a good measure...





I finally found the secret tunnel that I was looking for. For freedom!





As I descended down the tunnel that had opened under the throne of the evil Overseer, a new thought crossed my mind.





I realized that I had lived for 18 years in here...without ever knowing that you could get out? I mean, no one ever told me about this huge metal door. Or what was behind it. It started occurring to me, that the world of which the books I had studied in school talked about, all that talk about global consciousness and fighting for universal suffrage...





...Wasn't actually talking about the metal corridors and the bright electrical lights I had learned to call the world for my whole life. As I approached the old door made of some weird, organic material, I realized that beyond is must have been something...





...Different.

- - - - -

(Yeah, sue me: couldn't resist posting a cliffhanger before tomorrow. )

[Takeda Shingen]

The TeamSpeak crowd told me I needed to stop by here and check this out. This is shaping up to be another brilliant work, and one that unsurprisingly goes over the heads of many. You're becoming an increasingly rare diamond in the rough here, Hott. Subscribed.

EDIT: And get your butt onto TeamSpeak and in ArmA.

EDIT 2: And trope use forgiven. Even Dante Aligheiri relied on cliché devices.

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Takeda Shingen

EDIT: And get your butt onto TeamSpeak and in ArmA.

Sir Yes Sir!

EDIT 2: And trope use forgiven. Even Dante Aligheiri relied on cliché devices.

Wait? You're saying there are other ways to tell stories?

- - - - - -


Ohmygod what's that?! The light! It burns! Turn it off, turn it off!!!





Oh...oh dear...





The world...it's so...big?





And empty? According to the books I've read, this kind of landscape is called desert. To create this kind of desert on this scale, you need no less than constant heat of 140 degrees Fahrenheit for at least two years with no more than 20 degree Fahrenheit deviation one way or another. Therefore this can only mean one thing...





...Eating meat really does cause global warming.





I have seen one of those in the books! It's called "H-O-U-S-E"! Some people live in those! Though the house I saw in the book was much prettier than this one. I can't fathom why anyone would live in a house like that. It must get very irritating to have all the dirty old men on the street staring at you when you are changing clothes.





That's a C-A-R! They can be used to D-R-I-V-E A-R-O-U-N-D, whatever that means! That's a fake car, though: real car has four wheels and this one obviously doesn't.





Oh-Em-Gee, what's that?! It's coming straight at me and I haven't ever seen a picture of anything like that! Does it bite?! What am I going to do!?





Err, hello?





Mr., Mrs. Or Ms. Flying Metal Thing That Plays Music?





Hey! Where are you going?! Didn't you hear me? No hablar English?





Well, it flew towards that big, bright ball far away and I can't catch it anyway. Perhaps it has a nest in there? I'll have to find out later! It'll be the next big leap of science! I'll be like that Darwin person who understood that the Malus domesticas gravitate towards the ground!

But that will have to wait. Right now I need a drink and I know that you can get one from those commercial capitalist machines in exchange for artificially valuable pieces of metal.





Huh? Why isn't there anything in there? I was told by the book you could always get one. And if not, you could complain. So I guess that's what I'm going to do then. It's good to be as learned as I am, you never run out of solutions!





My, someone should really get that pole off that car. My top-notch understanding of physics tells me that you can't move the mass of such machine from under the mass of such pole without external help. I'll be sure to enlighten the person I'm going to complain to about that too.





Okay, this house looks like it might have inhabitants. I'll go express them my deepest feeling of dissatisfaction and also make sure they are treating their animals and women well.

[Hottentot]

Oh wow! What a wonderful vintage style! Totally cool! I'll have to get their designer's number after I find daddy!





Uh, hello! I'd like to, like, file a complaint about...ARE YOU YELLING AT ME??!! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME??!! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YELLING AT PEOPLE IS IMPOLITE AND MAY SHORTEN YOUR LIFESPAN BY 0,0543829537 %?!





LOOK CALM DOWN AND STOP YELLING AT ME WHEN I'M YELLING AT YOU!!! YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU SHOULD ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND THAT WE ARE NOW YELLING AT EACH OTHER IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOU SHOULD BE REALLY ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!





FINE!!! BE THAT WAY!!! I'M NOT INTERESTED ANYWAY!!!





There, see how I put her in her place. Not that I like doing it, but sometimes you need to remind those less educated working class people of how impolite and inconsiderate they are when they yell back at you when you are lecturing them. Now be a good working class person and go to your corner and be ashamed and think about your...





...meat eating habits? Eewww, gross! Is that an eye?! What kind of freak would eat eyes?! Urgh!





She has some interesting medication in her house as well. I'd better take this in case I catch some of those working class germs in this place. I learned from a book once that you could get a brain eating infection that would turn you into a shambling, brain eating working class person if you got bitten by one.





OHMYGOD is that a hammer?! I've totally seen one in a book before!! Oh gosh golly gee, I have never touched a real hammer!! This is exciting!! Which part do I hold?!





Uh, this one? Perhaps I'd better ask that working class person? They should know stuff like this!





Hey, could you...oops, it slipped!



Hey, no need to get mad at me! I didn't know it was so slippery! If I had to guess based on my extensive biological knowledge and personal empirical experience, the slippery goo on it originated from a Homo Sapiens Sapiens' female's intimate area after a feeling of pleas...OH EM EF GEE IS THAT A GUN?! STOP POINTING THAT AT ME!! DADDY SAID YOU SHOULD NEVER POINT ANYONE WITH A GUN!!





HEEELP!





Someone save me from the bitter, under educated meat eater!





That formation in there looks like it's (wo)manmade. I'm heading there!





Hello! I'm being chased by...oh dear! You're no man! You're no woman either! You're, like, some sort of advanced and enlightened being sent from the Planet Robotron to save the mankind, aren't you? I'm sure the books talked about you too. Though I have no idea how you can walk on water with all that metal around you?





Ugh, nevermind. I'm taking that back. Your stupid accent and faked appreciation of my personal person clearly indicate that you are, in fact, some sort of male chauvinist pig after all. Probably some weird anime freak too on the top of that! Leave me alone!





And stop trying to hit on me! I don't even know what grub is, so it's not working! Not if you were the last piece of junk in the world. Which, coming to think of it, you might as well be. Hopefully!

[Red October1984]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

I welcome comments in my AAR threads, but knowing there are people who have specifically said in the past that they are not commenting because they don't want to disturb the story, I also request that their wish is respected as well. I believe that's not unreasonable.

Sorry for disturbing your story. Please continue.

The questions got weirder and weirder. Like, first of all, I don't even have a grandmother and even if I did, I'm sure she wouldn't be republican enough to have a pistol, so I didn't answer that one.

That's hilarious right there.

[Hottentot]

Oh! My keen senses and impeccable intelligence reveal to me that this is some sort of primitive door. Doors like these are usually opened by some sort of magic password, which I also read a lot about when I was studying back home. Let's see if I can recall what it was.





...not that? Well, Open Sesame then? No?





...Hocus Pocus? No...





Klaatu barada nikto? Poo!





...Openus Stupidus Doorus Orus Ius Huffus Andus Puffus Andus Blowus Yourus Houseus Inus! Wellus, buttus!





Look, this is getting really obnoxious now! I should...hey, what's that in there?





Huh? Turns out that little handle in there was in fact a complicated gate opening mechanism. They should really put a manual or something next to it to prevent confusion!





Hey, why is that ugly man coming towards me? Doesn't he know to respect my personal space?





Uh, hello? When was the last month you took a shower?





Yes, I'm trying to prove you the importance of personal hygiene! You positively stink!





Hey! Where are you going?! I'm not done lecturing you yet! You still have much to learn from me! Did you get offended because I called you smelly poo butt? But it's just the truth! Can't you handle the truth?!





Well, whatever! I can surely find someone in here who doesn't smell like a clogged toilet.





This looks like a promising place.





Uh, hello. I was wondering...


Oh my! Look at those coveralls! And the ponytail! And the blank, yet somehow determined look! She looks just like my favorite childhood cartoon person, Wendy the Welder!





Ohmygod, she's so cheerful like Wendy too! And she's so practical! Oh, look at those hands! They are so...full of rash. Oh dear! Hello! I'm Laura-Anne! Uh, has anyone, like, ever told you that you look like my favorite cartoon character?





Ohmygodohmygodohmygod I knew it! Of course, you know, when you're as smart as me you just know this stuff! Though you're pretty smart too, Wendy. For a working class girl, I mean. But I, like, always liked it when you gave the patriarchy a finger with your welding torch! I mean, don't people just love it when you fix all the bad stuff from the world with stuff with it because you're, like, practical and stuff?





Aww. Don't worry, Wendy! I can be your friend! It'll be fun! You could be, like, my sidekick and we'd go to adventure and have fun and puppies! Like, totally bee-ef-ef material!





Nonono, don't you listen? I'm Laura-Anne! How can you miss something as important as my name, Wendy?! Because you know, Peach is, like, totally stupid and votes those right wing nuts who don't like puppies and we are really not similar at all. Eeww!





It was nice chatting with Wendy, but I got to go now! There's still stuff to see and I, like, totally forgot my camera home too, so I need to improvise!