Dear Steve Thread

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve

Santa is stuck up the chimney and has started shouting. Apparently if I do not pull him out the girls and boys will have no toys. He says his beard is black and he has soot in his sack. He is also complaining of a nasal problem.

I have no heavy lifting gear and am somewhat alarmed at the reindeer disloging the roof tiles.

Can you recommend a good chimney sweep, (preferrably a singing sweep, ala Mary Poppins) and a cowboy to round up said reindeer.

Help me Steve, you're my only hope.................

(fades to insignifignance)

Concerned

[yubba]

Dear Steve,
I have had the flu, and have fallen down and got a concussion who am I and can I get a note too excuse me from testifying in front of congress. And if Uncle Joe is going to lead the task force against gun violence will they be armed.?????

[Jimbuna]

Here we go

[mapuc]

Here you have the result from Dr Steve

we are all fully normal, the rest of the world is not.

Markus

[Armistead]

Steve,

Sometimes I use Ben Gay at night for muscle stiffness, will this work on my peniz as well?

{And please don't ban me over the peniz, I'm not sure if we can even use the real medical term} However, I will accept another infraction without complaint..

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Armistead

Steve,

Sometimes I use Ben Gay at night for muscle stiffness, will this work on my peniz as well?

You are so confused. Ben Gay is to relax the muscles. Is that the effect you're looking for with your other "muscle"?

{And please don't ban me over the peniz, I'm not sure if we can even use the real medical term} However, I will accept another infraction without complaint..

Probably not a problem, since, as anybody who is anybody knows, "peniz" is the Lower Slobovian term for a white lab rat.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by mapuc

Here you have the result from Dr Steve

we are all fully normal, the rest of the world is not.

Markus

As normal as it gets in a nuthouse. And since you made a diagnosis in my name, you have to share the proceeds of anything you make with me. The rocks they throw at you, you can keep.

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

I seem to have run out of calendars, and I can't get any more, because I'm in jail for cooking minorities without a license. How can I get out of jail to get a calendar?

Sincerely,
Qwerty

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

If you get stalked as often as I am can you give me an answer to my problem?

Annoyed!!

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Cybermat47

Dear Steve,

I seem to have run out of calendars, and I can't get any more, because I'm in jail for cooking minorities without a license. How can I get out of jail to get a calendar?

Sincerely,
Qwerty

It wasn't the license part so much as the fact that you were hunting them out of season. As for the calendars, I'm having a special on the very special 'Mayan Special' special calender. This week only, cash in advance.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Here we go

Where are we going? If it's dinner, count me in.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by yubba

Dear Steve,
I have had the flu, and have fallen down and got a concussion who am I and can I get a note too excuse me from testifying in front of congress. And if Uncle Joe is going to lead the task force against gun violence will they be armed.?????

The "flu" was part of a secret conspiracy to find out what you know about the assasination of Amenhotep IV. The concussion you got when I...I mean, someone pushed you down the stairs. It's not congress who wants to talk to you, it's progress. It's not the "Uncle Joe" you think it is, it's your wife's uncle Joe, who wants back the twenty bucks you owe him. Finally, of course the task force will be armed. How else will they know what the guns they are supposed to be against look like?

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Fubar2Niner

Dear Steve

Santa is stuck up the chimney and has started shouting. Apparently if I do not pull him out the girls and boys will have no toys. He says his beard is black and he has soot in his sack. He is also complaining of a nasal problem.

There is no Santa. The guy in your chimney is a Rooskie spy.

I have no heavy lifting gear and am somewhat alarmed at the reindeer disloging the roof tiles.

Why would that alarm you? Get out the old hunting rifle. Instant Christmas dinner!

Can you recommend a good chimney sweep, (preferrably a singing sweep, ala Mary Poppins) and a cowboy to round up said reindeer.

Do you want a singing cowboy as well? I work cheap. Also, you need an electronic sweep, not the other kind. And you need to buy my book teaching you to speak Rooshian. 600 rubles at your nearby Skhval-Mart.

Help me Steve, you're my only hope.................

You're beyond hope. That princess, on the other hand...

[Fubar2Niner]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

There is no Santa. The guy in your chimney is a Rooskie spy.


Why would that alarm you? Get out the old hunting rifle. Instant Christmas dinner!


Do you want a singing cowboy as well? I work cheap. Also, you need an electronic sweep, not the other kind. And you need to buy my book teaching you to speak Rooshian. 600 rubles at your nearby Skhval-Mart.


You're beyond hope. That princess, on the other hand...

Dear Steve

No Santa.......... !!!!!!!

You mean I have been lied to all these years ??? Rooshians have been posing as S.Claus this is outrageous !!!!! And in my chimney !

Have you an idea of the going rate for chimney letting re: the housing of illegal rooshians. I will obviously declare any earnings to the concerned gov. dept.

Is it possible for you to forward a demo disc of your singing cowboy capabilities, I would hate to scare the neighbours and therefor would like to prewarn them, ( and also possibly charge a small admission fee, shared 50/50 of course in your favour ) to amaze themselves at your musical reindeer roundup antics.

Looking forward to hearing from you re this amazing business possibility.

PS. The princess is gay..... bummer

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Fubar2Niner

Dear Steve

No Santa.......... !!!!!!!

You mean I have been lied to all these years ??? Rooshians have been posing as S.Claus this is outrageous !!!!! And in my chimney !

If you want to know the whole story, you'll have to buy the book.

Have you an idea of the going rate for chimney letting re: the housing of illegal rooshians. I will obviously declare any earnings to the concerned gov. dept.

The concerned department is the Department for the Housing of Illegal Rooshians, and they are very concerned. Have you provided proper care and feeding of your Rooshians? Have they had their shots? This is all your responsibility, you know.

Is it possible for you to forward a demo disc of your singing cowboy capabilities, I would hate to scare the neighbours...

The free demo disc can be obtained at the website for a small token "access fee", $39.95 if I remember correctly.

and therefor would like to prewarn them,

Best prewarm them for 25 minutes at 350 degrees. After that two hours at 326 and 1/3 degrees, turning and basting once every 7.36 minutes.

( and also possibly charge a small admission fee, shared 50/50 of course in your favour ) to amaze themselves at your musical reindeer roundup antics.

After my initial fee, of course.

Looking forward to hearing from you re this amazing business possibility.

I'm not, but I'll live with it.

PS. The princess is gay..... bummer

Please, leave the puns to the professionals.