GELWITZ CIPHER COMMENTS

flag4 · 09-07-11, 10:50 AM

...i like it. i think it snaps along nicely from what i have read so far.

my only thing is this:His gaze rested on the laptop sitting on a 1930s style chest of drawers matching an armoire of the same period.'

i think this sentence is a bit clunky and a a bit long winded. i think you should name the 1930's style chest of drawers - the design/period, the maker. i think it would tighten this sentence and lend it more brevity and polish, because the rest of the writing clicks along smoothly in terse dialogue and narrative. name things when they can be named, Art Deco, perhaps?

have i gone too far? no offence intended

09-07-11, 10:50 AM	#23
flag4 Watch Officer Join Date: May 2007 Location: as far away as possible Posts: 1,625 Downloads: 147 Uploads: 0	...i like it. i think it snaps along nicely from what i have read so far. my only thing is this:His gaze rested on the laptop sitting on a 1930s style chest of drawers matching an armoire of the same period.' i think this sentence is a bit clunky and a a bit long winded. i think you should name the 1930's style chest of drawers - the design/period, the maker. i think it would tighten this sentence and lend it more brevity and polish, because the rest of the writing clicks along smoothly in terse dialogue and narrative. name things when they can be named, Art Deco, perhaps? have i gone too far? no offence intended __________________ [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] ' We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.' Kurt Vonnegut