How to make a movie that pretentious arty farty types will love

onelifecrisis · 12-04-10, 01:14 AM

It's real easy.

1. Buy a camera and go somewhere deserted, like a desert, or a deserted town. Film it. Long, slow, ponderous shots are the best. Ideally nothing should move for minutes at a time - not even the camera. Take a good book to read while your camera records.

2. Pay a couple of actors and film them doing nothing in various places. Walking. Sitting. If you can get them to stare meaningfully at inanimate objects, or just into the distance, that's great.

3. Your movie is nearly finished, but there's one thing missing: dialogue! Your actors will need to say something sooner or later. Ideally they should say something without really saying anything. For example, one of them could say "I wonder if..." and then trail off while staring meaningfully at a plate.

4. Edit your film. Make it long, like three hours. Make each shot long as well, but not too long! The objective here is to change camera angles just often enough to stop your audience from falling asleep.

Bingo! Your movie is done. Most people won't like it, but some people will claim it's the most profound thing they've ever seen and you can value their judgements if you want to.

krashkart · 12-04-10, 02:14 AM

Cowpunch McGill Eats a Plate of Beans?

Sledgehammer427 · 12-04-10, 02:30 AM

actually, I had the incentive to make a movie like this once before...

krashkart · 12-04-10, 02:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sledgehammer427

actually, I had the incentive to make a movie like this once before...

What the hell are you waiting for? Take it to Sundance!

TarJak · 12-04-10, 02:42 AM

The rel key is to give it a great name like "Catharsis" or "The incomplete works of William Burkeshire" Without the artsy fartsy name none of them will want to see it.

Tchocky · 12-04-10, 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onelifecrisis

2. Pay a couple of actors and film them doing nothing in various places. Walking. Sitting. If you can get them to stare meaningfully at inanimate objects, or just into the distance, that's great.

And there have to be a few girls in there. Mumble mumble ironic depiction mumble mumble subjugation of the female form mumble mumble HOOTERS.

onelifecrisis · 12-04-10, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tchocky

And there have to be a few girls in there. Mumble mumble ironic depiction mumble mumble subjugation of the female form mumble mumble HOOTERS.

Pfft! That would be soooo mainstream.

August · 12-04-10, 10:23 AM

You also have to look good in a pony tail and designer clothing.

frau kaleun · 12-04-10, 12:05 PM

Director: I want this picture to be a commentary on modern conditions. Stark realism. The problems that confront the average man!

Studio Boss #1: But with a little sex in it.

Director: A little, but I don't want to stress it. I want this picture to be a document. I want to hold a mirror up to life. I want this to be a picture of dignity! A true canvas of the suffering of humanity!

Studio Boss #1: But with a little sex in it.

Director: [reluctantly] With a little sex in it.

Studio Boss #2: How 'bout a nice musical?

(From Sullivan's Travels)

krashkart · 12-04-10, 12:49 PM

^^ Heehee! XD

Buddahaid · 12-04-10, 01:15 PM

I'll take the still long shots over the cameraman with alzheimer's any day. I know let's make the camera so shakey no one can tell how bad the scene is! Add some eerie music and voila, any modern POS movie with zero plot for those with no attention span. Oh wait, that's all modern movies, duh.

onelifecrisis · 12-04-10, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buddahaid

I'll take the still long shots over the cameraman with alzheimer's any day. I know let's make the camera so shakey no one can tell how bad the scene is! Add some eerie music and voila, any modern POS movie with zero plot for those with no attention span. Oh wait, that's all modern movies, duh.

I bet my "attention span" is longer than yours.

Buddahaid · 12-04-10, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onelifecrisis

I bet my "attention span" is longer than yours.

What?

onelifecrisis · 12-04-10, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buddahaid

What?

Just having fun, no offense intended.

Buddahaid · 12-04-10, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onelifecrisis

Just having fun, no offense intended.

Sorry, that was a joke about whatever it was we were talking about.

12-04-10, 02:30 AM	#3
Sledgehammer427 PacWagon Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Drinking coffee and staring at trees in Massachusetts Posts: 2,908 Downloads: 287 Uploads: 0	actually, I had the incentive to make a movie like this once before... __________________ Cold Waters Voice Crew - Fire Control Officer Cmdr O. Myers - C/O USS Nautilus (SS-168) 114,000 tons sunk - 4 Spec Ops completed V-boat Nutcase - Need supplies? Japanese garrison on a small island in the way? Just give us a call! D4C!

12-04-10, 10:23 AM	#8
August Wayfaring Stranger Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 23,197 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	You also have to look good in a pony tail and designer clothing. __________________ Flanked by life and the funeral pyre. Putting on a show for you to see.

12-04-10, 01:15 PM	#11
Buddahaid Shark above Space Chicken Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 9,319 Downloads: 162 Uploads: 0	I'll take the still long shots over the cameraman with alzheimer's any day. I know let's make the camera so shakey no one can tell how bad the scene is! Add some eerie music and voila, any modern POS movie with zero plot for those with no attention span. Oh wait, that's all modern movies, duh. __________________ "However vast the darkness, we must provide our own light." Stanley Kubrick "Tomorrow belongs to those who can hear it coming." David Bowie

12-04-10, 01:14 AM	#1
onelifecrisis Maverick Modder Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: England Posts: 3,895 Downloads: 65 Uploads: 3	How to make a movie that pretentious arty farty types will love It's real easy. 1. Buy a camera and go somewhere deserted, like a desert, or a deserted town. Film it. Long, slow, ponderous shots are the best. Ideally nothing should move for minutes at a time - not even the camera. Take a good book to read while your camera records. 2. Pay a couple of actors and film them doing nothing in various places. Walking. Sitting. If you can get them to stare meaningfully at inanimate objects, or just into the distance, that's great. 3. Your movie is nearly finished, but there's one thing missing: dialogue! Your actors will need to say something sooner or later. Ideally they should say something without really saying anything. For example, one of them could say "I wonder if..." and then trail off while staring meaningfully at a plate. 4. Edit your film. Make it long, like three hours. Make each shot long as well, but not too long! The objective here is to change camera angles just often enough to stop your audience from falling asleep. Bingo! Your movie is done. Most people won't like it, but some people will claim it's the most profound thing they've ever seen and you can value their judgements if you want to.

12-04-10, 02:14 AM	#2
krashkart Navy Seal Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 5,292 Downloads: 100 Uploads: 0	Cowpunch McGill Eats a Plate of Beans?

12-04-10, 02:42 AM	#5
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	The rel key is to give it a great name like "Catharsis" or "The incomplete works of William Burkeshire" Without the artsy fartsy name none of them will want to see it.

12-04-10, 12:05 PM	#9
frau kaleun Rear Admiral Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Skyri--oh who are we kidding, I'm probably at Lowe's. Again. Posts: 12,706 Downloads: 168 Uploads: 0	Director: I want this picture to be a commentary on modern conditions. Stark realism. The problems that confront the average man! Studio Boss #1: But with a little sex in it. Director: A little, but I don't want to stress it. I want this picture to be a document. I want to hold a mirror up to life. I want this to be a picture of dignity! A true canvas of the suffering of humanity! Studio Boss #1: But with a little sex in it. Director: [reluctantly] With a little sex in it. Studio Boss #2: How 'bout a nice musical? (From Sullivan's Travels)

12-04-10, 12:49 PM	#10
krashkart Navy Seal Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 5,292 Downloads: 100 Uploads: 0	^^ Heehee! XD