Jokes about Jewish people

[Platapus]

How about some lawyer humour?

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $18.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $150 due for a consultation.

[antikristuseke]

Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She was not wearing a seat belt.

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What was princess Dianas favorite shampoo?

Head and shoulders, after the crash hers were splatered all over the dashboard

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When a black guy and a jew jump off the empire state building at the same time, who wins?

Society.

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What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?

Not ennough sand.

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Child obesity is becoming a serious problem for pedophiles, sure they are easyer to catch, but who wants to fiddle with a fatty?

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What is charred,black and siting at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

Edit: Some of these may have been posted allready, im too lazy to read everything here.

[nikimcbee]

[Dowly]

LMAO @Antikristuseke

[TarJak]

If we are going to have a crack based on religion then these guys need a run:

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.

Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.


Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.


Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest.


Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.


Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, "Thank you."


Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?"
Master: "Ask that post over there."
Disciple: "I don't understand"
Master: "Neither do I."


Q: How do I become a Lama?
A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.

Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.


Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.

Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

[TarJak]

The Indian & The Porsche

An Indian parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Indian grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Indian starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Indian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Indians
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Indian.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."

The Indian looks down in absolute horror "*******ING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."

[TarJak]

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

[Sailor Steve]

@ OTH's edit:

@ Platapus "Only in America":

@ TLAM Strike: Yeah, that one got me good.

[Sailor Steve]

Now I have to steal one I heard from Jimbuna.

I'm an American, and I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

[UnderseaLcpl]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

I'm an American, and I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

That'd be a lot funnier if I hadn't heard something remarkably similar in an actual conversation

---------------------------------------------------

Ok, we've had some American jokes, so now I shall unleash the arsenal of democracy against the rest of the world!

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q:What's the difference between a Russian fairy tale and an English fairy tale?
A:English fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time". Russian fairy tales begin with "Soon..."

Q:Why did Comrade Stalin wear boots instead of shoes, as comrade Lenin did?
A:When Lenin was alive, the USSR was only ankle-deep in s***.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. Fu got sent back to China.

Q: Are German jokes funny?
A: Ja, ze have vays to make you laugh.

Q:Why does Undersealcpl use Q&A jokes?
A:Because T&A was not available.

[Sailor Steve]

Two Koreans are standing on a street corner in Los Angeles. The first Korean looks at his buddy and says "On chawa tai kai ontak mo no..."

The other Korean scowls at him and says "We in America now! Speak Spanish!"


World War Two:

A pilot lands on his carrier, leaps out of the cockpit and runs across the flight deck, up the ladders and into the Captain's Stateroom without knocking. He snaps to attention and almost shouts his report: "Sir! I wish to report a perfect mission! I dropped both bombs on a Jap destroyer, and both were hits! As she was sinking I went back and strafed about a hundred of the little yellow *&$#)@$% in the water! Sir!"

Slowly the Captain puts down his newspaper, smiles and says "Ah-so. Onry make-a one mistake..."

[nikimcbee]

I have taken it upon myself to supply the world with more Muslim jokes. It goes without saying that Muslims are perhaps the least humorous folk on Earth; whereas Jews have learned to laugh at themselves, even turning that laughter into a business: Vaudeville.

When I was growing up, my father never failed to tell me at least three jokes a day, most of them involving Jews and their eccentricities, customs, and travails. I'd like to continue that long tradition of Jews telling jokes, but with Muslims as the butt of the joke. You can't be civilized until you can laugh at yourself.
Perhaps in this way, someday, even radical fundamentalist Muslims may find themselves laughing. In fact, it would do my heart good to hear that a billion Muslims laughed themselves to death.
Many of these are probably in poor taste, to which I say tough camel titties.
Q: What do female Muslims use for birth control?
A: Their faces. [See photo above.]
Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a dead horse?
A. It's no fun beating a dead horse.
Q. What's the difference between an American BBQ and an Islamic BBQ?
A. In America, Humans roast animals over a fire. In Islam, it's the other way around.
Q. What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?
A. "Having car trouble?"
Q. What's the difference between Cindy Sheehan and a terrorist enemy?
A. I don't know either.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Moore and a one ton CARE package?
A. Michael Moore, if sliced real thin, can feed a larger Afghan village.

A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind." The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."
Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a goat.
Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics?
Neither did I.
Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. What's toilet paper?
Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A. Tickle the goat under the chin.
Here are a few tasteless jokes even al-Qaeda can appreciate:
Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.
Did you hear about the prostitute who came out of a bar and was stoned? She didn't survive.
Did you hear about the greatest bash they ever had in Bali? Everyone was bombed. (this last one makes Bin Laden roll on the floor, piss in his robe, and kiss his goat)

Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, “I heard you were planning to leave me?” She replied, “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!”
Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."

Q. How did the Muslim adulteress cross the road?
A. She was dragged by her feet, kicking and screaming, then she was stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.
Q. Did you hear the one about the violent 53 year-old paedophile?
A. Yes. He is revered by one fifth of the world's population as the one who started the world's most intolerant, repressive, misogynistic and violent religion.