Jokes about Jewish people

nikimcbee · 05-09-10, 07:20 PM

Finnish drinking game
There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.
Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....
Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....

Famous last words of Finnish men
"Naah, we dont need no electrician here."
"We can go to my place - wife's on night shift"
"I love you Kristiina... eh, I mean Hanna..."
"In principal you shouldnt smoke so near the ammunition"
"Lets study the safety instructions later"
"The side effects of lot of alcohol is hugely exaggerated"
"I got some cheap Russian spirits to the wedding punch so the whole family can drink enough"
"Damn life save vest - not bothering to wear them"
"Look! Whats that bear cub doing alone in the forest?"
"Damn quick to drill the ice when it's this thin."

How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink enough Kosu (vodka) until the room starts spinning.
OR
(based on the fact that 'all' Finns are engineers) None. They fix the old one.

Finnglish menu items (real, but restaurant names withheld!)
Shrimp and crap salad for two.
Grilled pork shop.
You can have crap on your pizza.
Tepid chicken salad with bread.
We give you water only when you ask.
Dead snails from Åland in garlic and butter sauce.
The cock is recommending today's beef.
We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or well-done.
The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm.
Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce.
Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles.
Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa.
Try traditional Finnish pee soup.
We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room service card). Drink something if you want (room service card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the meat and some others.
Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where the chickens are alive.
This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good selection of mammal meat.
Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky rice and fishes.
Blini served with cream and not real caviar.
Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar and lingon berries.
Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas. After clock 21 are not. Sorry.
Meat with sweat and sour sauce.
Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream
Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls

You Know You've Been In Finland Too Long, When...
You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection.
You don't think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard to dry.
Silence is fun.
Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day.
You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it's open!"
Your native language has seriously deteriorated. Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".
You associate pea soup with Thursday.
Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.
After a presentation, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?"
Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions. Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers.
You accept alcohol as food.
You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes.
You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
You know that "one" beer means "let's get pissed."
When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American.
You've become lactose intolerant.
You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways.

Platapus · 05-09-10, 07:39 PM

What does a WASP wife make for dinner?

Reservations

Platapus · 05-09-10, 07:40 PM

A WASP wife was asked what where her favourite sexual positions.

Her answer was, "Positions?"

Platapus · 05-09-10, 07:44 PM

Just to be an equal opportunity offender...

Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Sailor Steve · 05-09-10, 10:02 PM

I originally heard this back in the '70s as a Polish joke, but I've used it for just about every state in the Union and a lot of other countries as well:

Why, according to the Bible, could Jesus not have been born in Finland?

Because if you search the whole country you won't find three wise men or any virgins.

joegrundman · 05-10-10, 03:04 AM

German Joke:

a couple in London just had a newborn boy.

The doctor, after examining the child, said that the boy was perfectly healthy, but he was german.

"what can this mean?" asked the parents, "we're both british - is there something wrong?"

"Nothing wrong with him, he's just german" said the doctor

The boy grew up perfectly fit and strong, but come age three he still hadn't spoken a word.

Then age four, still not a word

they took him to the doctor who said it's to be expected - he's german.

Age five not a word

One day at age 6, over dinner, the boy suddenly said "The soup is not up to your usual standard mother"

Shocked, the parents exclaimed "You can speak! Thank God! why didn't you say anything before?"

The boy said "Up until now everything has been satisfactory"

joegrundman · 05-10-10, 03:21 AM

Jewish joke:

Mr. Bernstein and his wife were having lunch in the Savoy Grill.

Upon leaving a very glamourous younger lady ran up to Mr.Bernstein, kissed him on the cheek, and said "can't wait for the weekend", tweaked his behind, and ran off into a taxi.

Mrs. Bernstein looked furious.

Mr. Bernstein said, "look before you say anything, i want you to think of our six bedroom house in Hampstead. Think of our children's private education.Think of our lunches at the Savoy grill, our West End shows, shopping in the best places in London. Think of our summer trips around the world, our country cottage in North Wales, our winter skiing trips and our shopping trips to New York.

Mrs. Bernstein furious, kept silent.

Moments later, as they were getting into a taxi, they saw another man and lady get out of another car and walk arm-in-arm to the grill.

"Oh isn't that Mike Margolis?" asked Mrs. Bernstein

"Yes" answered Mr bernstein

"But that's not his wife" said Mrs Bernstein

"No" answered Mr. Bernstein

"Well", said Mrs Bernstein, "She's not as pretty as our mistress"

Schroeder · 05-10-10, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by joegrundman

German Joke:

a couple in London just had a newborn boy.

The doctor, after examining the child, said that the boy was perfectly healthy, but he was german.

"what can this mean?" asked the parents, "we're both british - is there something wrong?"

"Nothing wrong with him, he's just german" said the doctor

The boy grew up perfectly fit and strong, but come age three he still hadn't spoken a word.

Then age four, still not a word

they took him to the doctor who said it's to be expected - he's german.

Age five not a word

One day at age 6, over dinner, the boy suddenly said "The soup is not up to your usual standard mother"

Shocked, the parents exclaimed "You can speak! Thank God! why didn't you say anything before?"

The boy said "Up until now everything has been satisfactory"

That one is totally unrealistic. There is no way that everything has been satisfactory for a German for five years.

05-09-10, 07:20 PM	#1
nikimcbee Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Patroling the Slot. Posts: 17,952 Downloads: 90 Uploads: 0	Finnish drinking game There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced. Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside.... Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside.... Famous last words of Finnish men "Naah, we dont need no electrician here." "We can go to my place - wife's on night shift" "I love you Kristiina... eh, I mean Hanna..." "In principal you shouldnt smoke so near the ammunition" "Lets study the safety instructions later" "The side effects of lot of alcohol is hugely exaggerated" "I got some cheap Russian spirits to the wedding punch so the whole family can drink enough" "Damn life save vest - not bothering to wear them" "Look! Whats that bear cub doing alone in the forest?" "Damn quick to drill the ice when it's this thin." How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink enough Kosu (vodka) until the room starts spinning. OR (based on the fact that 'all' Finns are engineers) None. They fix the old one. Finnglish menu items (real, but restaurant names withheld!) Shrimp and crap salad for two. Grilled pork shop. You can have crap on your pizza. Tepid chicken salad with bread. We give you water only when you ask. Dead snails from Åland in garlic and butter sauce. The cock is recommending today's beef. We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or well-done. The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm. Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce. Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles. Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa. Try traditional Finnish pee soup. We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room service card). Drink something if you want (room service card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the meat and some others. Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where the chickens are alive. This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good selection of mammal meat. Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky rice and fishes. Blini served with cream and not real caviar. Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar and lingon berries. Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas. After clock 21 are not. Sorry. Meat with sweat and sour sauce. Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls You Know You've Been In Finland Too Long, When... You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection. You don't think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard to dry. Silence is fun. Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day. You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it's open!" Your native language has seriously deteriorated. Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off". You associate pea soup with Thursday. Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights. After a presentation, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?" Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay. You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions. Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers. You accept alcohol as food. You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes. You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense. You know that "one" beer means "let's get pissed." When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American. You've become lactose intolerant. You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways. __________________

05-09-10, 07:39 PM	#2
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,373 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What does a WASP wife make for dinner? Reservations __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-09-10, 07:40 PM	#3
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,373 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	A WASP wife was asked what where her favourite sexual positions. Her answer was, "Positions?" __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-09-10, 07:44 PM	#4
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,373 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Just to be an equal opportunity offender... Why God never got a PhD ----------------------- 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English. 3. It has no references. 4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal. 5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but Human testing. 10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son to teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

05-09-10, 10:02 PM	#5
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	I originally heard this back in the '70s as a Polish joke, but I've used it for just about every state in the Union and a lot of other countries as well: Why, according to the Bible, could Jesus not have been born in Finland? Because if you search the whole country you won't find three wise men or any virgins. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

05-10-10, 03:04 AM	#6
joegrundman Ocean Warrior Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 2,689 Downloads: 34 Uploads: 0	German Joke: a couple in London just had a newborn boy. The doctor, after examining the child, said that the boy was perfectly healthy, but he was german. "what can this mean?" asked the parents, "we're both british - is there something wrong?" "Nothing wrong with him, he's just german" said the doctor The boy grew up perfectly fit and strong, but come age three he still hadn't spoken a word. Then age four, still not a word they took him to the doctor who said it's to be expected - he's german. Age five not a word One day at age 6, over dinner, the boy suddenly said "The soup is not up to your usual standard mother" Shocked, the parents exclaimed "You can speak! Thank God! why didn't you say anything before?" The boy said "Up until now everything has been satisfactory" __________________ "Enemy submarines are to be called U-Boats. The term submarine is to be reserved for Allied under water vessels. U-Boats are those dastardly villains who sink our ships, while submarines are those gallant and noble craft which sink theirs." Winston Churchill

05-10-10, 03:21 AM	#7
joegrundman Ocean Warrior Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 2,689 Downloads: 34 Uploads: 0	Jewish joke: Mr. Bernstein and his wife were having lunch in the Savoy Grill. Upon leaving a very glamourous younger lady ran up to Mr.Bernstein, kissed him on the cheek, and said "can't wait for the weekend", tweaked his behind, and ran off into a taxi. Mrs. Bernstein looked furious. Mr. Bernstein said, "look before you say anything, i want you to think of our six bedroom house in Hampstead. Think of our children's private education.Think of our lunches at the Savoy grill, our West End shows, shopping in the best places in London. Think of our summer trips around the world, our country cottage in North Wales, our winter skiing trips and our shopping trips to New York. Mrs. Bernstein furious, kept silent. Moments later, as they were getting into a taxi, they saw another man and lady get out of another car and walk arm-in-arm to the grill. "Oh isn't that Mike Margolis?" asked Mrs. Bernstein "Yes" answered Mr bernstein "But that's not his wife" said Mrs Bernstein "No" answered Mr. Bernstein "Well", said Mrs Bernstein, "She's not as pretty as our mistress" __________________ "Enemy submarines are to be called U-Boats. The term submarine is to be reserved for Allied under water vessels. U-Boats are those dastardly villains who sink our ships, while submarines are those gallant and noble craft which sink theirs." Winston Churchill Last edited by joegrundman; 05-10-10 at 03:34 AM.