Is it wrong?

[GoldenRivet]

On the one hand you should follow your heart.

My personal experience: I did just that, i dated someone just twelve years my junior and it was the absolute worst experience of my life, and to be bluntly honest... im fortunate to have not blown my brains out. seriously. Im quite literally being serious there...

The age gap meant that our taste in music, our taste in movies, our taste in activities etc were completely different. She had not reached the level of maturity in her life nor had she the life experience that one has in order to become someone in their mid thirties and i had not any ability to go back in time to be someone in their early twenties.

The result is a lack of common experience, ultimately the only thing you end up having in common is sex. or perhaps sex and your love of Italian food or any other insignificant thing upon which to base a relationship. And while the sex might be mind blowing, and while it is a fact that a woman 10-20 years your junior can keep you completely emptied if you know what i mean... there is no substance to the relationship. Ultimately, it devolves to its lowest common denominator of screwing, fighting - quite vehemently about something upon which you differ (there will be these things daily) and then "make up sex". Rinse wash repeat - every day - until one of you walks away from the situation.

When i dated this particular person, I felt out of place around her friends because i didnt know the latest lady gaga gossip or whatever, She hated my friends because she couldn't related to them, i felt ridiculous trying to pull all nighters at bars and clubs with her. Come 1am - like clock work i was ready to go home and call it a night, and sometimes the result was just that... her on the other hand; absent and incommunicado until 4 in the morning.

On the other hand, some of the more cultured things i enjoyed like wine tasting, or enjoying cocktails in a jazzy cigar bar, or watching a classic movie... these grew to be things she was quickly bored with.

Ultimately, instead of embracing our differences as fun and quirky, we grew to hate the very things about one another that made us both who we are, and as a result we quite literally hated one another by the end of it.

We constantly argued - sometimes it was stupid things, other times not. But i was always being told how "Old" or "outdated" my music, my taste in movies, my taste in clothing, my manner of speaking etc was, and the end result of most arguments was generally some young woman locking herself in *my* room blasting some horrible excuse for music out of *my* stereo until she felt relieved enough to stop on her own accord.

I had one friend who was in a similar situation as i, we occasionally double dated. we both felt like babysitters, and the feeling of eyes all around the room looking at he and I was like a weight. It didnt take long for me to become ashamed of the fact that i was a 33 year old man dating a 22 year old woman.

In the end, after a particularly rough week, i simply had to drive her stuff to her moms house where she was visiting for the weekend, I put it all on her front porch and called her on my 2 hour drive home just to say "Your things are out front, Im not coming back." and thus closed the chapter on one entire year of my life. one whole year i would love to have completely erased... but a year that i know that i'm better for having remembered because I learned some important lessons, here are some of the most important

1. Life is too short to spend a single second surrounding yourself with people who are unhealthy for you. This for me includes dating women who are 5 or more years my junior of 5 or more years my senior.

2. Red flags pop up in your mind for a reason... no matter how rose colored the glasses are through which you view the other person, MIND THE RED FLAGS. Its your brains way of saying, look dummy... this aint right.

3. my twenties were a blast of a good time... i am well into my thirties now. I am not now, nor will i ever be that person again, and that is a good thing, i should embrace that, and surround myself with people who have experienced it themselves.

4. Relationships must be built upon trust, reliability, respect, common experience, patience, understanding etc. If you try to make it work with someone with whom you have little or no common experience - it is very likely doomed to fail from the start. For that reason, i have decided not to date women outside my age, race, or from a dissimilar socioeconomic condition.

5. Always be willing to accept the pain of getting the hell out of a situation. I was very upset about having to end the relationship i was in, but i knew that the pain was temporary and would end, and the next thing would be great and i was right.

generally speaking, i think dating someone outside your age group is a pretty rotten idea, and unless you find that 1 woman out of millions of them who - while being 20 years your junior - is still wise beyond her years, such relationships are rarely going to work out well

[Jimbuna]

^ Nice one John

[AVGWarhawk]

Good post John. My thoughts are dating someone within the same decade of age. In other words, at least 10 years or closer to your age. By and large both would have experienced something that they can relate to. Your magic number is 5. My wife is 8 years younger than me. But, we related and enjoy experiences from decades we grew up. The 70's-90's. Music, movies and events we know and can enjoy. Times of our lives that created who were are. We both are from the same decades fabric as it where. Just 8 years apart. When you start pushing that 10 plus the divide becomes two totally different worlds. Other than the horizontal mumbo there is not much substance.

[GoldenRivet]

Originally Posted by AVGWarhawk

Good post John. My thoughts are dating someone within the same decade of age. In other words, at least 10 years or closer to your age. By and large both would have experienced something that they can relate to. Your magic number is 5. My wife is 8 years younger than me. But, we related and enjoy experiences from decades we grew up. The 70's-90's. Music, movies and events we know and can enjoy. Times of our lives that created who were are. We both are from the same decades fabric as it where. Just 8 years apart. When you start pushing that 10 plus the divide becomes two totally different worlds. Other than the horizontal mumbo there is not much substance.

Every person has to tailor it, you're right.

I also think the older both parties are, the wider this age chasm can be.

For example a 65 year old and a 45 year old are more set for relationship success than say a 38 year old and an 18 year old.

when a person passes a certain age, they have pretty much been there, gotten out into the world, experienced their own triumphs and losses, their own successes and failures that make them a mature functioning adult be it in the expanse of society or the confines of a serious relationship.

below that certain age, they are just physically developed and thats pretty much it.

how should i put it?...

your twenties and early 30s are your renaissance period. Without them you are more or less unrefined. a man who is post renaissance entering into a serious relationship with a woman who is pre-renaissance is not a good idea.

EDIT: i admit there is no one size fits all formula, a persons situation can often force them to "grow up" faster than others. I have known a number of highly intelligent, wise beyond their years, young people who were way ahead of folks 15+ years their senior. of course it is because of this enhanced level of maturity and intelligence that they are usually not falling prey to such conundrums as dating outside their age group.

[AVGWarhawk]

John, if the insurance gig does not work out for you consider a talk show on relationships!

I agree with all that you have said. My brother married a gal with 2 kids and 12 years his senior. It was nothing but a sexual relationship. They have moved on to different things in their lives. Heck, my mother predicted failure in this marriage. She was right. So, yes, the 20-30's are certainly the sowing of the oats as it were. If one in the relationship has done this already there is not much between the two. I'm still of mind that if both grew up relatively close in a given decade the chances are good for a long relationship. There are things in common.

[Tango589]

Whilst people may have lots of bad experiences at being in a relationship with a wide age gap, this doesn't always have to be the case. I'm 32 and my wife of 13 1/2 years my senior, although when people lookat us, they think I look older! We are coming up to 6 years together, and just short of 3 years married. We have kept each other together through some pretty tough times and life is a blast. It may help that we both think 'age is just a number' and don't let it stop us.

Not braggin', just sayin'!

[AVGWarhawk]

Originally Posted by Tango589

Whilst people may have lots of bad experiences at being in a relationship with a wide age gap, this doesn't always have to be the case. I'm 32 and my wife of 13 1/2 years my senior, although when people lookat us, they think I look older! We are coming up to 6 years together, and just short of 3 years married. We have kept each other together through some pretty tough times and life is a blast. It may help that we both think 'age is just a number' and don't let it stop us.

Not braggin', just sayin'!

John and I agree that some will just work no matter the age. The lucky few enjoy a great relationship. My wife and I are 8 years apart. Married 20 years come this April. One daughter in college and our second in 10th grade. We have loved, laughed and experienced much together. In short, we have each other. We too will grow old together. However, I will get there first.

[GoldenRivet]

Originally Posted by AVGWarhawk

John, if the insurance gig does not work out for you consider a talk show on relationships!

Hopefully it continues to go well.

though it has cut into my flying and my subsim time considerably

[AVGWarhawk]

Originally Posted by GoldenRivet

Hopefully it continues to go well.

though it has cut into my flying and my subsim time considerably

Someone gotta pay the bills!!!!

[Onkel Neal]

Good post, John

[Mr Quatro]

Originally Posted by GoldenRivet

Every person has to tailor it, you're right.

I also think the older both parties are, the wider this age chasm can be.

For example a 65 year old and a 45 year old are more set for relationship success than say a 38 year old and an 18 year old.

when a person passes a certain age, they have pretty much been there, gotten out into the world, experienced their own triumphs and losses, their own successes and failures that make them a mature functioning adult be it in the expanse of society or the confines of a serious relationship.

below that certain age, they are just physically developed and thats pretty much it.

how should i put it?...

your twenties and early 30s are your renaissance period. Without them you are more or less unrefined. a man who is post renaissance entering into a serious relationship with a woman who is pre-renaissance is not a good idea.

EDIT: i admit there is no one size fits all formula, a persons situation can often force them to "grow up" faster than others. I have known a number of highly intelligent, wise beyond their years, young people who were way ahead of folks 15+ years their senior. of course it is because of this enhanced level of maturity and intelligence that they are usually not falling prey to such conundrums as dating outside their age group.

The edit is right on, because I have had this same problem with a teenage girl of 18 while I was in my mid thirties. The sex was great just like in your relationship it was the best I had ever had, the music I had to bend with ZZ top and J Giles (horizontal bop was nice though)(this was a long time ago I must add) while I liked country, but the drugs did us in it was her candy and we had to split after 9 months, but I 'll always remember her grabbing my hand while driving and saying I love you or waking up with her in the morning and taking a shower together.

Her age had sincerity where an older woman is more cat like and knows what she wants and how to get it. The younger women aren't finished yet, not so set in there ways.

I would do it again minus the drugs in fact next time I'll just make sure they like country music lol

As for today's crowd I think money has a lot to do with the age difference in relationships today. Women are looking for a solid way to secure their financial future and if it means an older man offering security then so be it.

But you would make a good counselor too ... you might check into that GR