Balz gets New Boat--Balz is Back, Balz is Back

[Brag]

This is the party during which someone stole Balz's medals.

[Graf Paper]

Well, you did have a lot to drink at the party.

Maybe you shouldn't mix large amounts of schnapps with seedy frauleins.

By the way, BdU was not amused the next morning when he walked into his office to discover all the curtains had been replaced with several pairs of underwear.

His comment: "I would be less upset if the new "curtains" had been laundered first!"

[Brag]

OFz.S. Hageman writes:

03 January 1941

"My medals, where are my medals? I can't sail without my medals." Our commander raged pacing around the Zentrale. It was already past midnight and well-wishers were gathering at the dock. Three months of intensive training and our captain lost his cool.

I am pretty sure Jeanette stole Balz's medals during the huge and wild New Year's eve party.

Balz stopped his pacing. "And who stole my tea cozy? I can't go into combat without it."

Bernard came in from the galley and brought in a soaken wet tea cozy. "I thought it was a coffee filter."

"Give me that, you oaf." Balz grabbed the tea cozy and placed it on his head. Coffee poured down his neck, around his ears, and over his eyes. "That feels better. One must have the hoochie woochies to sail into the path of the enemy and perform heroic deeds. Maneuvering stations!"

At 0303 of 03 January we cast off and headed out of the Keremel docks in Port St. Luis. The numerolgy of the first logbook entry promised an unusual patrol. The crew lined up on the after deck singing the We Will Return Hoochie-woochie and doing the famous Balz twirl. Balz vigorously waved his tea cozy and covered me with coffee grounds.

[Sailor Steve]

And where was Kalb during all of this frivolity?

[Brag]

Kalb is now in the Command School in Flensburg, training to get his own boat.

[Sailor Steve]

Got out while the getting was good, eh? Lucky man.

"We have words for men like you."

"Coward, sir?"

"No. Genius."

[Brag]

Originally Posted by STEED

From The Royal Navy

To Balz


Your a big girls blouse you sissy. :p

Bring in on peewee, are guns will blow you into next week. :p :p

J.S. Balz writes:

To the Royal Navy
03 January 1941
At sea.

Much esteemed gentlemen,
You should feel honoured to have such a superb antagonist as myself. I have just put out to sea and will sweep your sealanes clean of the rustbuckets you call your merchant navy. With my great sense of kindness, consideration and respect, I politely request that you surrender immediately.

In your letter of surrender to the Fuhrer, please mention that you would like me to be your governor. Please make arrangements with Buck House to prepare one of the guest rooms for me. I no longer drink coffee. As a gesture of good will you could send me a tea cozy with the portrait of King George.

You can tell his Majesty that my choir will be happy to perform the hoochie-woochie in Albert Hall.

Sincerely,

Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz

[Sailor Steve]

"Was it encoded?"

"No, my lord, it was an open transmission, ostensibly from a German submarine."

"What do you make of it?"

"Make of it, my lord?"

"I didn't get to be First Sea Lord by falling for boyhood tricks! This has to mean something!"

"My lord, perhaps the First Lord of the Admiralty..."

"He's a bloody politician! All he can do is take it to the PM. Damn it, if we don't figure out what this is about, it could cost me my career!"

"My lord, perhaps if we..."

"Do you have any idea who this Balz character is?"

"We've had our best people on it all day, sir. Apparently he's just some low ranking officer in Doenitz's submarine corps."

"Apparently doesn't cut it, Sir Keith. He must be some kind of plant. maybe they're trying to negotiate some kind of peace settlement."

"I don't think so, my lord. Maybe this "Balz" is a wild card, trying to work his way around their war effort."

"So you think he might want to defect to our side? Bring us a u-boat as a token of sincerity?"

"Possibly, sir; but I still think it's some kind of trick."

"Well, get your people on it, Sir Keith. We have to find out what this means."

"Yes, sir. Right away, sir."

"Oh, and Sir Keith?"

"Sir?"

"Have you seen my tea cozy anywhere? I can't think without it."

[Jimbuna]

Damn !!.....it's coming in duplicate now

But bloody funny, and entertaining at the same time

[Brag]

Steve,
Great punch line, caught me below the belt. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[NealT]

[Hope I am not intruding...]

First Sea Lord
The Admiralty
London

TO: JS Balz

SUBJECT: Your Message of 3 January 1941

After much discussion, it has been decided to accept your offer and invitation to surrender but only from you personally - that is in person. It is requested that you sail on the surface up the Thames River in broad daylight with your flag waving smartly so that we know you are coming and can prepare you a proper British welcome.

I regret to inform you that there is no room in Buck House. However, we have made special arrangements in one of our other historic resting places. We have a Tower reserved in the middle of London just for you. Further, we have decided that there is sufficient space available to accommodate all of your officers and enlisted men as well. We might even be able to arrange for you to become a permanent resident in this historic place.

Sadly, there is a war on and we have a shortage of tea cozies. However, if you will radio us with your coordinates and when you plan on surfacing for some fresh air, and as a gesture of our good will and as a good faith effort, we will be happy to send an airplane over to drop one on you.

It will be necessary for you and your troop to audition before presenting His Majesty with your offer of singing in Albert Hall. The war and all you know. We must still adhere to our strict standards.

Should you have any further questions, do not hesitate to ask. We anxiously await your arrival.

Cheerio!

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl:
Nice addition!

[fat jez]

I loved the double entendres in there and the "cheerio" at the end - it sounds so 40's British English. nice post, NealT!


Cheers,
Stephen

[Brag]

Of.z.S. Hageman writes:

03 January 1941
at 1500 hours we steamed in calm seas 210 kilometers West of Lorient. The forward starboard lookout reported a ship sighted. Through my binoculars I studied a small warship about 4,000 meters away, heading toward us. "Shall we dive?" I asked Balz.
"Not yet."
I spotted another ship a bit further away.
Two more warships appeared, all heading toward us.
"W're gonna die, we're gonna die," Bernard screeched.
"Very good," Balz said. "Perhaps you will be good enough to do a solo performance." He then added, "Bring my tea cozy to the bridge. Hoochie woochie singers on deck."
With the hoochie woochies singing and twirling, Balz waved his tea cozy at the ships, which had closed to 1,000 meters and we could clearly see they were German gunboats.

"Message from British Admiralty," Funker shouted from below.
"Einz, zwei, hoochie-woochie." Balz went below to read the message.

[Brag]

My dear Admiral,

I behalf of my crew I want to thank you for your gracious offer of hospitality.
Please let me know when you have finished dredging the Thames estuary and River to 200 meters.

In the meantime, I will send you our advance man, Bernard, who will join the next batch of wretched survivors of my nautical depredations.

You will be hearing about our hoochie-woochie boom-booms quite soon.

Your devoted hero of the Kriegsmarine,

Kptlt. Johan Sebastian Balz