Jokes about Jewish people

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

Favorite movie rentals for the Chanukah holiday

Three Men And A Bubbie
A Few Hood Mentches
The Cohenheads
The Rocky Hora Picture Show
Shalom Alone
Goyz 'N The Hood
A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
The Wizard Of Oys
Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
Prelude To A Briss

If you ever get the chance, check out a movie called The Hebrew Hammer. It's silly, but hilarious. A Jewish take on I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317640/

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

If you ever get the chance, check out a movie called The Hebrew Hammer. It's silly, but hilarious. A Jewish take on I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317640/

Heard of it, haven't seen it.

Jewish!

[UnderseaLcpl]

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

Originally Posted by UnderseaLcpl

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

There aren't any good jokes about Americans, that's because America is not really a country as much it is a collection of nationalities. In order to have an identity that can be made fun of there first has to be an identity.

Edit. Ok here's one.

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

[AVGWarhawk]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

There aren't any good jokes about Americans, that's because America is not really a country as much it is a collection of nationalities. In order to have an identity that can be made fun of there first has to be an identity.

Edit. Ok here's one.

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

I would have to agree here OTH. There are many different nationalities each with their own set of jokes. Then it could be broken down in to certain areas of the country. Broken down further to Texans, Hillbillies, New Yorkers or Alaskans. You know, Palin seeing Russian from her porch. She says, "Shoo you Russians." That is Palin security plan for Alaska. Or in Texas....they not only support capital punishment...they have a drive through for it.

[TLAM Strike]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

I can confirm that is 100% True.

Although it should say an 'icy road' and not a slippery road.

[Platapus]

How about some lawyer humour?

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $18.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $150 due for a consultation.

[antikristuseke]

Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She was not wearing a seat belt.

---

What was princess Dianas favorite shampoo?

Head and shoulders, after the crash hers were splatered all over the dashboard

---

When a black guy and a jew jump off the empire state building at the same time, who wins?

Society.

---

What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?

Not ennough sand.

---

Child obesity is becoming a serious problem for pedophiles, sure they are easyer to catch, but who wants to fiddle with a fatty?

---

What is charred,black and siting at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

Edit: Some of these may have been posted allready, im too lazy to read everything here.

[Sailor Steve]

@ OTH's edit:

@ Platapus "Only in America":

@ TLAM Strike: Yeah, that one got me good.

[Stealth Hunter]

Recent terrorist threats have caused the English to raise their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada, when Mother Nature saved them.

The Scottish raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels right now, and aren't likely to have any more in the future. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout and Hoot Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing with Fancy Mustaches". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides in the Middle of the Conflict".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs for the Sake of Nationalism". They have three higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor", "Elect Man with Fancy Facial Hair", and "Für das Vaterland!!!!!"

The Belgians and folks of the Netherlands, on the other hand, are all on holiday-as usual-- and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels and the levees failing, respectively. Their terror alert system anyway is based around the level of chocolate production, coupled with the status of the grain production from their windmill states.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy to combat the terrorist and Somali pirate threat simultaneously. These beautifully designed craft have glass bottoms. This way the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile-and as usual-- are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, mocking anyone who doesn't support them, and passing around bare-faced lies and threats, just in case.

MEANWHILE IN THE PACIFIC...

New Zealand has raised its security levels from "Bah" to "BAH!!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath, constructed from Kleenex boxes, tape, and rubber), they've only got one more level of escalation, which is: "Hopefully Australia Will Come and Save Us".

Australia has as a result raised its security level from "No Worries, Mate" to "She'll Be All Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey, Mate!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie This Weekend, Mate", and "Barbie's Cancelled".

So far no situation has ever warranted use of Australia's final escalation level.

Should one arise, god help us all.

[Bilge_Rat]

Originally Posted by Bilge_Rat

Image with the missiles

Those wouldn't happen to be the same missiles that they tried to fire into Israel recently. Unfortunately they were a little inaccurate with the aiming, or the weapon itself was, and it flew into Jordan. That's what I call pretty bad aiming if you miss the country you're aiming and hit the wrong one.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

Those wouldn't happen to be the same missiles that they tried to fire into Israel recently. Unfortunately they were a little inaccurate with the aiming, or the weapon itself was, and it flew into Jordan. That's what I call pretty bad aiming if you miss the country you're aiming and hit the wrong one.

I don't know but we aimed at UBL and ended up hitting Iraq.

[August]

Cleaning the Outhouse

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living on a hardscrabble West Virginia farm way back up in the hills.

One day Pa notices that the hole under their outhouse is full so he goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse n the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."

Well Pa thanks the neighbor then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse as instructed. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse, then lights them and quickly takes cover behind a nearby tree.

All of a sudden Ma bursts out of the house and runs straight into the outhouse before Pa can warn her! Seconds later BOOM!, off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. Then WHAM!, off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole..... Horrified Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Great Horny Toads, Ma, are you all right??!!" Ma smiles as she pulls up her panties and says... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't let that fart out in the kitchen!".

[Platapus]

What is the difference between Catholic Priests and Pimples?

Pimples wait until you are a teenager before coming out over your face.