Dear Steve Thread

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve.

My name is Nellie. I am an elephant. Two weeks ago I packed my trunk and said goodbye to the circus, hoping to trundle off to the jungle in time for christmas.

I made my way slowly to the airport to board BA flight 19. It was a very smooth flight and the in-flight movie was very entertaining, "Born Free". On arrival at Quatro de Fevereiro International Airport, just outside Luanda, I was alarmed to find my trunk was nowhere in sight :down:

This is very annoying and somewhat embarresing as my face is now a rather odd shape :o I am afraid my friends and relatives will no longer recognise me.

My question is, could you please advise the best way to start proceedings against both BA and Quatro de Fevereiro International Airport Authority. Would you also be able to advise me of a cheap but reliable and trustworthy plastic surgeon, gifted in the art of trunk transplant surgery.

Many thanks in advance.

Nellie T Elephant
Dear Nellie;

Someone should have told you never to trust an airline with your trunk. On the other hand, count yourself lucky the airline even allowed you on board, taking up eight seats like you do. That said, I can represent you in your suit against them, and sew on a new trunk, all for the small fee of 800 peanuts per hour.

[yubba]

Dear Steve,
Why do the states with the most debt, have the most electroial votes ???? I have also seemed to have missed placed 2000 assualt style weapons that seem to turn up in the darndest places like crime scenes in Mexico and the United States..I'm also named after a blockbuster movie..

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I have a drip and it ain't the faucet.

Any help?
Burning
You are a drip! That aside, the answer to your problem is to have a new gasket installed. I don't do that kind of operation myself, but my friend Guido The Lucky is real good with a switchblade, and his wife Big Bertha is said to do wonders with needle and thread.

Best of luck with that.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
Why do the states with the most debt, have the most electroial votes ???? I have also seemed to have missed placed 2000 assualt style weapons that seem to turn up in the darndest places like crime scenes in Mexico and the United States..I'm also named after a blockbuster movie..
Because those states went into debt buying those votes. Now don Barack is sending Guido The Lucky to collect on those debts. This is why those states claim to hate him. If he loses power they won't have to pay up, the lousy traitors!

As for your missing weapons, you left them in my office. How did they get to those crime scenes? I deny any knowledge of that, and if you try to prove otherwise, I have a Rolls-Royce waiting to drive me to my private jet for a "visit" to my estate on my private island.

Your name? Well, it's not my fault your parents thought "Yubba" sounded cool. I understand your siblings, "Bubba" and "Grubba" are perfectly happy with theirs. On the other hand, I can file the paperwork to change it. For a small fee, of course...

[Herr-Berbunch]

Dear Steve

I'm addicted to writing letters to 'agony' people. Can you help?

R. E. Petitive

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I'm addicted to writing letters to 'agony' people. Can you help?

R. E. Petitive
No. You're beyond help. Sorry.

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

I don't pay bird dog fees. Thanks for the referrals.

Guido

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Guido;

I told you never to call me here. Meet me at the usual place - I have the envelope.

[Armistead]

Oh contraire, mon frere. I can cure nothing. I merely help you feel better about being sick.

Pay Armistead on your way out, please.




You know we're a non-profit and I don't know what you do with the money you get from the government. I also know I can't keep filing multiple claims for the same patient daily. I noticed you purchased a new car. The only pay I have gotten so far from you is the two goats Dowly paid with.......and got no xmas bonus, not even a chicken.

I hate to bring this up, but I also feel sexually harassed. Do you not think I notice the little touches and bumps everyday as we pass in the hall? Why do you always drop something right at my chair, bending over with your buttocks towards my person. Why is mistletoe hanging by the waterfountain? I'm tired of everytime I get a drink of water, you jump from the restroom foyer and kiss me, screaming "Merry Christmas" as if that excuses it. I would look for other work, but you know the economy is bad and I really need this job. Anyway, I'm trying to be thankful that you got me a xmas gift, but I wasn't expecting pink garters and an enema bag.

Well, I've got to get back to work, as do you, Vendor is here again running up and down the hall screaming "I like rabbits." Please let me know when you're ready to see him.

[Armistead]

Beep Beep,

Steve,

Jimbuna's Attorney on line 1.....

.......

Also, I told you 5 months ago that I was taking Dec.24/25 off this year, but I see you have us open. I realize Christmas is a tough time of year for your many Subsim patients, but I need this time off.

Please let me hire another office employee, the 20 hours days are getting to me.

Please advise that I can spend Christmas with my family and not have to deal with all the Subsim losers, I mean patients you have.

Beep.....

AVG's wife....Line 2 and there's some man sitting in the lobby in a nice suit asking to see you.....

[AVGWarhawk]

Hold all my calls.

http://flowchainsensei.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/psychologist-lucy.jpg?w=545&h=542

[STEED]

Dear Steve I'm seeing this sex maniac of a women who just can't get enough...

Excuse me I will finished this in a few hours time. :rolleyes::haha:

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

Now that I've spent the morning having sex with farm animals, I'm having second thoughts. What if the world DOESN'T end tomorrow?

Farmer John

[mapuc]

http://i1235.photobucket.com/albums/ff440/mapuc/smart_zpsc10c2d58.jpg

[Armistead]

Message from the office of Dr. Steve O.L.D of Subsim Behavioral Clinic.

666 Waterdowned Dr., Laughin NU. 32033.

Our offices will be closed December 24th and 25th for the Holidays..

However, our Self-Help Center will be open for you during this stressful period. This year we're offering Electro Shock Therapy. This one time treatment cures

Depression, financial issues, broken heart, cancer, vertigo, insomnia, constipation, genital warts, back pain, colds, flu...and over 1000 other ailments..

http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e303/jfsowards/electric-chair.jpg


So why we're out, you're in, take a seat, secure straps, insert credit card, relax....

Treatments now available at a discounted rate for Subsim members
Guaranteed

[mapuc]

Dear Steve,

Now that I've spent the morning having sex with farm animals, I'm having second thoughts. What if the world DOESN'T end tomorrow?

Farmer John

You may be the father to some weird creatures


Markus

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Nellie;

Someone should have told you never to trust an airline with your trunk. On the other hand, count yourself lucky the airline even allowed you on board, taking up eight seats like you do. That said, I can represent you in your suit against them, and sew on a new trunk, all for the small fee of 800 peanuts per hour.

Dear Steve,

Thank you kindly for your offer and advice. Good news, shortly after my post to you I had a call from BA, it seems my trunk was put on the wrong flight and landed in Ruwanda. Perhaps a member of BA staff was reading my complaint, and your advice, as I posted :hmm2: In any case I have saved face, after securly replacing my trunk I have trundled to the jungle and am enjoying a tremendous time with my family and friends. They all think you are a blast ! :yep:

Perhaps I might offer you some advice. With such knowledge and wisdom I feel it only right to say 800 peanuts ph, is waay too smaller sum, 1000 would be more realistic, (perhaps you should hire more staff to help dispose of the shells, if you take this up)

Many thanks, hugs and kisses

Nellie T Elephant

[Sailor Steve]

You know we're a non-profit and I don't know what you do with the money you get from the government. I also know I can't keep filing multiple claims for the same patient daily. I noticed you purchased a new car. The only pay I have gotten so far from you is the two goats Dowly paid with.......and got no xmas bonus, not even a chicken.
Hey, you're the one who opened the office, not me. I never wanted this job, and now my precious hours are spent dealing with losers, and the only way I can keep my own sanity is to fleece them for everything they have. I'm the one with the talent here. You want more, go into business for yourself!

I hate to bring this up, but I also feel sexually harassed. Do you not think I notice the little touches and bumps everyday as we pass in the hall? Why do you always drop something right at my chair, bending over with your buttocks towards my person. Why is mistletoe hanging by the waterfountain? I'm tired of everytime I get a drink of water, you jump from the restroom foyer and kiss me, screaming "Merry Christmas" as if that excuses it. I would look for other work, but you know the economy is bad and I really need this job. Anyway, I'm trying to be thankful that you got me a xmas gift, but I wasn't expecting pink garters and an enema bag.
Do we need to talk to Guido? Or maybe Big Bill?

Well, I've got to get back to work, as do you, Vendor is here again running up and down the hall screaming "I like rabbits." Please let me know when you're ready to see him.
Give him a shot of Solution 7 and put him back in his drawer.

[Sailor Steve]

Beep Beep,

Steve,

Jimbuna's Attorney on line 1.....
Tell him to hold. I should get back to him by New Years.

Also, I told you 5 months ago that I was taking Dec.24/25 off this year, but I see you have us open. I realize Christmas is a tough time of year for your many Subsim patients, but I need this time off.
So take the day off. But tell your wife I'll be showing up for dinner...with all the patients

Please let me hire another office employee, the 20 hours days are getting to me.
No problem. But you have to pay him.

AVG's wife....Line 2
Tell her I'm out of town.

and there's some man sitting in the lobby in a nice suit asking to see you.....
I hope it's the guy from Publisher's Clearing House.

[Sailor Steve]

Hold all my calls.
Lucy, sweetie, how many times do I have to tell ya? I don't need a partner!

And tell the round-headed kid that dog has got to stop calling me at all hours of the night!

[Sailor Steve]

Message from the office of Dr. Steve O.L.D of Subsim Behavioral Clinic.
Good job! I couldn't have said it better myself!

Okay, you've earned yourself a nice Christmas bonus! I hope five bucks will cover the turkey.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Now that I've spent the morning having sex with farm animals, I'm having second thoughts. What if the world DOESN'T end tomorrow?

Farmer John
Then you'll just have to pay them to keep quiet.

[Sailor Steve]

Perhaps I might offer you some advice. With such knowledge and wisdom I feel it only right to say 800 peanuts ph, is waay too smaller sum, 1000 would be more realistic, (perhaps you should hire more staff to help dispose of the shells, if you take this up)

Many thanks, hugs and kisses

Nellie T Elephant
No problem, Nellie, and thanks for all the peanuts.



Hey, Armistead! I've decided to give a bigger bonus!

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Your mate Julian has announced the future release of more secrets. I sincerely hope yours are safe.

Secretive

[AVGWarhawk]

Then you'll just have to pay them to keep quiet.

Baaahhhhaaa....

[Sailor Steve]

Baaahhhhaaa....
Mooooooo!

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve;

I keep hearing animal noises, even though I'm indoors at home. Am I emancipating ?

B. Uggered

[AVGWarhawk]

Mooooooo!

Quack, quack..:oops: Ain't nothing safe on the farm.....

Oink, oink...:-?

[Onkel Neal]

Then you'll just have to pay them to keep quiet.

:k_rofl:

[TarJak]

Good job! I couldn't have said it better myself!

Okay, you've earned yourself a nice Christmas bonus! I hope five bucks will cover the turkey.

Dear Steve,

Your recipe for turkey covered in five bucks didn't taste any good. I'd like a refund and also suggest to your readers that they should use bacon instead like I did last year.

Warmest regards
The Turkey Gobbler

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Your mate Julian has announced the future release of more secrets. I sincerely hope yours are safe.

Secretive
I have no clue who my "mate" Julian might be, and I have no secrets.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve;

I keep hearing animal noises, even though I'm indoors at home. Am I emancipating ?

B. Uggered
Emancipating? That's not the word I would have used. :sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Your recipe for turkey covered in five bucks didn't taste any good. I'd like a refund and also suggest to your readers that they should use bacon instead like I did last year.

Warmest regards
The Turkey Gobbler
Sorry, I used the bucks you sent me for my own dinner. I thought they tasted fine. As for bacon? Your fetishes are your own business.

[Armistead]

Hey, you're the one who opened the office, not me. I never wanted this job, and now my precious hours are spent dealing with losers, and the only way I can keep my own sanity is to fleece them for everything they have. I'm the one with the talent here. You want more, go into business for yourself!

Do we need to talk to Guido? Or maybe Big Bill?


Give him a shot of Solution 7 and put him back in his drawer.

Please do not refer to our patients as losers, we only call them that in office.

Solution 7......not again, that's why Jimbuna's Attorney called....

Anyway, your ex is on line 3, mumbling something about your payments are behind and AVG is still holding line 2, he's still afraid he got herpes from his pet pig....The man in the suit, left, but left his card as well, from the IRS, whatever that is...

I'm punching out..

[soopaman2]

Dearest Steve.

Why are there so many stupid people in this world?

And what would be your solution ?


Please say eugenics! Say it! :D

[u crank]

Dear Steve,

I have been a fan of your advice column/dog and pony show for years and I'm convinced you are some kind of Guru. Or it could be that you're just barely smarter than the people who seek your advice. Either way works for me. I think you should be on TV.

I tried calling your office but some guy answered and he was quite rude. When I asked for you he said "Steve who?"

I had a question but I forgot it. Do you know what it was?

As always, Clueless and starting to worry

[Armistead]

Please,

Can we have some mature questions

[TarJak]

Dear Steve,

Which came first? The chicken or the egg?

Mature questioner

This question is older than Steve. :P

[Sailor Steve]

Why are there so many stupid people in this world?
No smart person would ever ask a question like that. :O:

And what would be your solution ?
Personally, I close my eyes, stick my fingers in my ears and go LA LA LA LA LA!

Please say eugenics! Say it! :D
I can't do that! I'm one of them! And so are you! And you! And (I see you hiding there) YOU!!!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I have been a fan of your advice column/dog and pony show for years and I'm convinced you are some kind of Guru. Or it could be that you're just barely smarter than the people who seek your advice.
I'm as much a guru as the Maharishi was. :rotfl2:

I'm also a lot smarter than the people who ask my advice. After all, how smart can they be to ask ME anything? I wouldn't trust me.

Either way works for me. I think you should be on TV.
I used to be on the TV all the time, but they made them all flat screens and I got older so I don't balance too well anymore.

I tried calling your office but some guy answered and he was quite rude. When I asked for you he said "Steve who?"
That was Armistead, my stooge...I mean assistant. He thinks I'm some kind of doctor.

I had a question but I forgot it. Do you know what it was?
Yes, but my heightened moral sense won't let me tell you.

As always, Clueless and starting to worry
If you're starting to worry, maybe you aren't as clueless as you think.

[Sailor Steve]

Please,

Can we have some mature questions
:rotfl2:

No more peanuts for you!!!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
There are some things man was not meant to know.

I can tell you the answer, but then I'd have to break you and eat you for breakfast. With sausage. And mushrooms. And green onions and peppers.

Mature questioner
Who told you that? You need to see a doctor!

This question is older than Steve. :P
Finally, someone admits there's somethng older than me! Bless you, my son!

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

OH DEAR LORD! KATE O'MARA DRESSED AS BONNIE LANGFORD IS ATTACKING ME! THE APOCALYPSE HAS BEGUN! HOW CAN I SURVIVE?!

Sincerely,
John 117.

[TarJak]

Dear Steve,

I think you may be suffering from multiple career syndrome. Are you a Doctor, a Lawer or a Minister of Religion?

Confuzzled

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

If the world ends today you will still answer our questions tomorrow....won't you?

W.O.rried

[magic452]

Dear Dr. Steve

This isn't really a medical question but with your vast knowledge of all things living or dead maybe you can help.

I have an artificial Christmas tree, How often should I water it and is regular water OK or should I use artificial water?

Baffled in Burbank.

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

Is there such a thing as diet water?

Skinny Mack

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

OH DEAR LORD! KATE O'MARA DRESSED AS BONNIE LANGFORD IS ATTACKING ME! THE APOCALYPSE HAS BEGUN! HOW CAN I SURVIVE?!

Sincerely,
John 117.
You're talking to the wrong old fart. I wish Kate O'Mara would attack me!

How to survive? Close you eyes and stick your fingers in your ears and say...but you've heard that one before.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I think you may be suffering from multiple career syndrome. Are you a Doctor, a Lawer or a Minister of Religion?

Confuzzled
My O.L.D. is genuine. I payed for those Cracker-Jacks!

I really am a lawyer. It says so on my card.

No, I'm not a minister of anything. I know for a fact there is no God. He told me so. :O:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

If the world ends today you will still answer our questions tomorrow....won't you?

W.O.rried
Not a chance. If the world ends tomorrow, God and I are goin' fishin'. :sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Dr. Steve

This isn't really a medical question but with your vast knowledge of all things living or dead maybe you can help.

I have an artificial Christmas tree, How often should I water it and is regular water OK or should I use artificial water?

Baffled in Burbank.
Yes. You can buy artificial water from Jim. Just be sure to turn the lights on first.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Is there such a thing as diet water?

Skinny Mack
Yes. But activists will tell you that it's a big health risk, especially when purchased at Wal*Mart.

[STEED]

Dear Steve I'm seeing this sex maniac of a women who just can't get enough...

Excuse me I will finished this in a few hours time. :rolleyes::haha:

Sorry for the delay, right to the question how do I get her to ease up she's getting me all shagged out.

[Sailor Steve]

Sorry for the delay, right to the question how do I get her to ease up she's getting me all shagged out.
That's easy. Loan her to me for a few days.

[STEED]

That's easy. Loan her to me for a few days.

:har: :har: :har: :har: :har:

I see what I can do.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Regarding the chicken/egg question - I, too, know the answer and if more people just sat down and really thought about it they may figure it out all on their ownsome.

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Inquiring minds want to know.

[STEED]

Dear Steve

Why do people who claim to be abducted by aliens from outer space always say they had their bottom probed? Why the heck would aliens comes billions of miles across space just to take a good look at some ones backside, it makes no sense to me.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,

I think you may be suffering from multiple career syndrome. Are you a Doctor, a Lawer or a Minister of Religion?

Confuzzled


Dr Steve is a licensed Minister and also performs weddings, gay, straight, polygamy and animals for a small fee. Our offices can do this online right here in the forum...

Would you like to propose to someone here and get this wedding rolling...?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Inquiring minds want to know.
To hold up their pants.





I watched the Pittsburgh planning commission sit around all day one day. They waited until a chicken came by. when the chicken made a sharp right turn the head commissioner pointed and said "That's where we put the new road!"

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Why do people who claim to be abducted by aliens from outer space always say they had their bottom probed? Why the heck would aliens comes billions of miles across space just to take a good look at some ones backside, it makes no sense to me.
You'd have to ask the aliens. I don't care what Armistead says, I've never had the desire to probe anyone's backside!

[Sailor Steve]

Dr Steve is a licensed Minister and also performs weddings, gay, straight, polygamy and animals for a small fee. Our offices can do this online right here in the forum...

Would you like to propose to someone here and get this wedding rolling...?
I also repair motorcycles on the side. :sunny:

[soopaman2]

Dear Steve, does age make you smart, or does smart make you age.

Just asking you because your smart....(and old) :har:

(anticipates a firm beating)

*gives Steve a wet bugs Bunny kiss, and runs back into his hole*

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve, does age make you smart, or does smart make you age.

Just asking you because your smart....(and old) :har:

(anticipates a firm beating)
Yes.




I can say no more.

[Armistead]

I also repair motorcycles on the side. :sunny:

You continue to amaze me...

[Armistead]

Dr. Steve,

I hope as your single employee that I can still ask questions.....

Is dating over 60 even worthwhile..?

[Cybermat47]

I wish Kate O'Mara would attack me!

Done.:|\\

[Sailor Steve]

You continue to amaze me...
But you're so easily amazed. :D

[Sailor Steve]

I hope as your single employee that I can still ask questions.....
I thought you said you had a family to feed! Give me back that bonus!

Is dating over 60 even worthwhile..?
I wouldn't know.

I've never dated anyone over 30 myself.

[Sailor Steve]

Done.:|\\
Medium-rare.

[Armistead]

I wouldn't know.

I've never dated anyone over 30 myself.


:har:

[u crank]

Dear Steve,

I tried to call your office again and of course I got your receptionist/bouncer. Where did you get this guy? First he thought I was his bookie then he put me on hold for two hours. But I hung in there. Then he tried to sell me a mule. Is he an illegal?

Today's question. If I know what's up and what gives, why can't I find my socks?

Clueless and shoeless.

[Jimbuna]

dear Steve

I keep thinking I'm a lollipop

Is that why I suck

Troubled

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I tried to call your office again and of course I got your receptionist/bouncer. Where did you get this guy? First he thought I was his bookie then he put me on hold for two hours. But I hung in there. Then he tried to sell me a mule. Is he an illegal?
Armistead! You get the bonus back! And a raise! :rock:

Today's question. If I know what's up and what gives, why can't I find my socks?
If you knew what's up and what gives, you wouldn't have to ask these questions.

Oh, you know that hole in the floor? The one the cat disappears into all the time? He's built himself a nice little nest down there. Ripping up the floor will cost too much. Better to buy a new pair of socks.

signed;
Lawless and Flawless

[Sailor Steve]

dear Steve

I keep thinking I'm a lollipop

Is that why I suck

Troubled
Trust me, you're not a lollipop.





More like a fruitcake.

[Jimbuna]

Trust me, you're not a lollipop.





More like a fruitcake.

Ah thanks, I'll save you a few raisins then.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,

I tried to call your office again and of course I got your receptionist/bouncer. Where did you get this guy? First he thought I was his bookie then he put me on hold for two hours. But I hung in there. Then he tried to sell me a mule. Is he an illegal?

Today's question. If I know what's up and what gives, why can't I find my socks?

Clueless and shoeless.

Forgive me, busy time of year and I thought you were AVG wanting another animal to have sex with.

[Sailor Steve]

Forgive me, busy time of year and I thought you were AVG wanting another animal to have sex with.
I'm glad to see you've been studying my methods. Keep it up and you'll be a full partner before you know it. :sunny:

[Armistead]

I'm glad to see you've been studying my methods. Keep it up and you'll be a full partner before you know it. :sunny:

OH thank you Mr. Scrooge, I mean Dr. Steve....Merry Christmas.

[Sailor Steve]

OH thank you Mr. Scrooge, I mean Dr. Steve....Merry Christmas.
Don't get too excited. You'll have to answer all these silly questions.

[Armistead]

Don't get too excited. You'll have to answer all these silly questions.

A raise that equals partnership will be fine, I will humbly remain your underservant and leave the questions to your greater wisdom....

I'm a born follower....

[Sailor Steve]

A raise that equals partnership will be fine, I will humbly remain your underservant and leave the questions to your greater wisdom....
Bawk, bawk bawk...B'gawk!

I'm a born follower....
So am I, but the guy I was following got run over by a bus and left me stranded...

[Onkel Neal]

I also repair motorcycles on the side. :sunny:

On the side of what?

[STEED]

Dear Steve

I hate my government so much I'm thinking about hiring a top of the line Assassin with a different's. I like him or her to cause maximum embarrassment which will cause them to resign and disband their party for ever and never ever take up politics again.

[Armistead]

Beep....

Steve,

I have Steed locked up in the padded room hooked to a valium IV. I'm preparing the Electro Shock Treatment...

If you're not coming in today, let me know to proceed or not..

[STEED]

Thanks to BossMark who busted me out the clinic. :03:

BTW: BossMark took a whizz over the electric chair you need to replace the fuse and wipe the chair down.

Anyway its your fault for having a Blue chair with Yellow stripes, BossMark knows that to be the colour of the Tory party here in power with the Lib drips. :haha:

[Armistead]

mmmmm awwwwww..mmmm mufff.....hhhheeee lllllll l lpppaaaaaaa mmmm neee neeeeee

[Sailor Steve]

On the side of what?
The side of right! The side of honor and freedom! The side that says "We will never be..."

Wait. What was the question again?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I hate my government so much I'm thinking about hiring a top of the line Assassin with a different's. I like him or her to cause maximum embarrassment which will cause them to resign and disband their party for ever and never ever take up politics again.
No, detective, I've never seen that man before in my life.

[Sailor Steve]

Beep....

Steve,

I have Steed locked up in the padded room hooked to a valium IV. I'm preparing the Electro Shock Treatment...

If you're not coming in today, let me know to proceed or not..
Electroshock therapy has been ruled cruel and unusual.

Force him to watch videos of David Cameron all day. That should do the trick.

[Sailor Steve]

Thanks to BossMark who busted me out the clinic. :03:

BTW: BossMark took a whizz over the electric chair you need to replace the fuse and wipe the chair down.

Anyway its your fault for having a Blue chair with Yellow stripes, BossMark knows that to be the colour of the Tory party here in power with the Lib drips. :haha:
Good riddance. Just don't forget to pay your bill. Of course I'll bilk Bossmark for everything he has when he comes to me to get his fried wee-wee fixed.

[Sailor Steve]

mmmmm awwwwww..mmmm mufff.....hhhheeee lllllll l lpppaaaaaaa mmmm neee neeeeee
What? I didn't catch that. How can I keep you on the payroll when you mumble like that? And what's with the tied-to-the-chair-with-a-gag-in-your-mouth schtick? I didn't know you were into bondage.

Good help is so hard to find these days!

[u crank]

Dear Steve,

Just saw this bumper sticker,

"IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS, ASK STEVE
IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT ASK SOMEONE ELSE"

Do you sell these at the office or do I have to go to Wally Mart?

Clueless.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Just saw this bumper sticker,

"IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS, ASK STEVE
IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT ASK SOMEONE ELSE"

Do you sell these at the office or do I have to go to Wally Mart?

Clueless.
I've never seen that before! I'm outraged! :stare: I'm offended! :stare: I'm sorry I didn't think of it first! :88)

I'm going to hit those guys up for a piece of the action! :yep:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

My magic boomerang doesn't come back anymore when I throw it.

Do you think it may have turned into a stick?

A.N.xious

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

My magic boomerang doesn't come back anymore when I throw it.

Do you think it may have turned into a stick?

A.N.xious
No. I think it suspects you threw another stick, and now it's avoiding you.

[STEED]

Dear Steve

What a let down you are, but the officer you had a chat with was a great help and with luck good bye to the Tory scum for ever. But as I'm a laid back guy I'm going to give you a second chance, Why is American coffee so bloody awful?

[TarJak]

Dear Steve,

While you are at it, can you learn your American countrymen how to make a good cup of tea?

Tealess in Seattle

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

What a let down you are, but the officer you had a chat with was a great help and with luck good bye to the Tory scum for ever. But as I'm a laid back guy I'm going to give you a second chance, Why is American coffee so bloody awful?
Because your British taste buds have no taste.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

While you are at it, can you learn your American countrymen how to make a good cup of tea?

Tealess in Seattle
No. I can "learn" you furriners how to say "teach" though.

I make my own, tea, and it hasn't complained once.

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

I'm seeing things. Walls! And the ceiling too! Arrrrgh! I have 30 seconds to decide! 30 SECONDS!

Sincerely,
Trapped in a SIDRAT.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I'm seeing things. Walls! And the ceiling too! Arrrrgh! I have 30 seconds to decide! 30 SECONDS!

Sincerely,
Trapped in a SIDRAT.
Goodbye, and have fun in the Crimean War Zone.

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

I'm a prat but I'm sure yoyu have the answer.


Hopeful

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I'm a prat but I'm sure yoyu have the answer.


Hopeful
I took a pratfall once.

Yoyu does have the answer, but I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks.

[Armistead]

What? I didn't catch that. How can I keep you on the payroll when you mumble like that? And what's with the tied-to-the-chair-with-a-gag-in-your-mouth schtick? I didn't know you were into bondage.

Good help is so hard to find these days!

Steed and Bossmark used a ball gag on me when Steed broke out......I'm better now...

I'm just concerned, being taped, beaten and gagged, well, I found it a tad exciting.....I did get worried when AVG came in making animal noises, so I remained very very quiet why he stole our last rabbit.

[Sailor Steve]

Steed and Bossmark used a ball gag on me when Steed broke out......I'm better now...
Good! I was wondering if you were going to make supper or not.

I'm just concerned, being taped, beated and gagged, well, I found it a tad exciting.....
Oh, good! I have a girl in mind for you.

I did get worried when AVG came in making animal noises, so I remained very very quiet why he stole our last rabbit.
So...no supper then?

[STEED]

Dear Steve

Why is American beer flatter than water and has less taste than water?

You need the Germans to move in and take over as you guys just can't do beer!

[u crank]

Dear Steve,

I had to remove my Sonic Interupter Device to scratch my head and I recieved this message. "Ooba, dooba, dooba do da do ron ron Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da." Any ideas?

Also, you seem like the kind of guy that has worn the foil before. Which is better, Alcan or Reynolds?

Clueless and under the bed.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Why is American beer flatter than water and has less taste than water?

You need the Germans to move in and take over as you guys just can't do beer!
I notice you don't say we need to have you Brits move in etc.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I had to remove my Sonic Interupter Device to scratch my head and I recieved this message. "Ooba, dooba, dooba do da do ron ron Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da." Any ideas?
That wasn't a Sonic Interupter. It was an Eight-Track Tape player from your mom's attic.

Also, you seem like the kind of guy that has worn the foil before. Which is better, Alcan or Reynolds?
What??? None of that cheap, store-bought stuff works! I use only the finest satellite-grade mylar myself. $299.99 per square foot, availabl from my catalogue now.

Clueless and under the bed.
Gaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! You really are clueless! Don't you know under the bed is WHERE THE MONSTERS ARE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[u crank]

What??? None of that cheap, store-bought stuff works! I use only the finest satellite-grade mylar myself. $299.99 per square foot, availabl from my catalogue now.

I'll take all you have. Bill me.

Gaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! You really are clueless! Don't you know under the bed is WHERE THE MONSTERS ARE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yea I know. I made one my pet. He says he escaped from Armisteads' zoo/toy shop. I'm retraining him to chew bubblegum.

Clueless and as paranoid as ever.

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

I sometimes feel like I'm about to go over the edge

Cliff Hanger

[soopaman2]

Dearest Steve.

Can you force the 49ers to win the Superbowl this year.

I am either laughed at when they sucked donkey slongs, or called a frontrunner when they could actually win a game.

Just talk to the powers that be and arrange that for me, ok?:yeah:

Good man, Steve.

Also if you can do something for the Knicks, I would appreciate it.

Thanks my friend.:D

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I sometimes feel like I'm about to go over the edge

Cliff Hanger
As long as you have a rope with you, you should be fine.

[Sailor Steve]

Dearest Steve.

Can you force the 49ers to win the Superbowl this year.
I'm a doctor, not a magician!

Also if you can do something for the Knicks, I would appreciate it.
I would recommend some kmercurocrome and some kband-aids.

[STEED]

Dear Steve

When do you expect to see the return of the dinosaurs? As some one I know suggested that Dino crap will do wonders for the garden and he can't wait.

[nikimcbee]

Dear Dr Steve,

Do you think Neal would look cooler in a purple and white #28 home jersey or an away white and purple jersey #28? And am I morally obligated to buy Neal matching purple cowboy boots and hat?

Purple Jeeezuz:yeah::up::03::03:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

When do you expect to see the return of the dinosaurs? As some one I know suggested that Dino crap will do wonders for the garden and he can't wait.

Dear Dr Steve,

Do you think Neal would look cooler in a purple and white #28 home jersey or an away white and purple jersey #28? And am I morally obligated to buy Neal matching purple cowboy boots and hat?

Purple Jeeezuz:yeah::up::03::03:

Time to purchase brewery shares I suspect :O:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

When do you expect to see the return of the dinosaurs? As some one I know suggested that Dino crap will do wonders for the garden and he can't wait.
What are you talking about? You're already here, aren't you?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Dr Steve,

Do you think Neal would look cooler in a purple and white #28 home jersey or an away white and purple jersey #28? And am I morally obligated to buy Neal matching purple cowboy boots and hat?

Purple Jeeezuz:yeah::up::03::03:
Honestly? I kind of like the traditional 'lighthouse' look. :sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

Time to purchase brewery shares I suspect :O:
I just happen to have a portfolio I can let you have cheap.

[August]

Dear Steve,

Will you ever get sick of answering these questions and how will we be able to tell?

Signed,
Curious Dave

[STEED]

What are you talking about? You're already here, aren't you?

Well as your older could you......Forget it. :har:


Will America skip 2013 as you all hate the number 13 and go straight to 2014?

[AVGWarhawk]

Well as your older could you......Forget it. :har:


Will America skip 2013 as you all hate the number 13 and go straight to 2014?

13 is a great number. It is the bakers dozen. That means there is one more for me to eat. :D

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve.

If the Virgin Mary had a baby boy, do you think Miraculous would be a more apt name, than Baby G?

Yours

Q.Wizzling

[Armistead]

Well as your older could you......Forget it. :har:


Will America skip 2013 as you all hate the number 13 and go straight to 2014?


No, we only skip the 13th floor in buildings as too hard to rent the space out.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Will you ever get sick of answering these questions and how will we be able to tell?

Signed,
Curious Dave
Why? Are the questions contaminated? This is why I only do it online. That way only my computer gets sick.

How would you tell? I suppose after three or four pages of questions with no answers, even you might start to figure something out. :O:

[Sailor Steve]

Well as your older could you......Forget it. :har:
Forget what? :doh:

Will America skip 2013 as you all hate the number 13 and go straight to 2014?
Ah, if only I could...

13 is a great number. It is the bakers dozen. That means there is one more for me to eat. :D
Save one for me!

I like you. Are you looking for a job?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve.

If the Virgin Mary had a baby boy, do you think Miraculous would be a more apt name, than Baby G?

Yours

Q.Wizzling
It's funny. I know several guys named Jesus, and every single one of them will tell you his mother is a saint.

Also, every mother is a virgin, if you ask her kids. "My mom and dad? No way!"

[Fubar2Niner]

..... if you ask her kids. "My mom and dad? No way!"


LMAO :har::har:

Have a good one mate :up:

Best regards.

Fubar2Niner

[soopaman2]

Dear Steve.

If mankind were to run out of beans, how would we gross out our wives?

I let loose a blast during the game last nite, that would have killed an elephant. It would have suffocated God, it was bad. It was one of them warm ones. silent, but noxious, like sarin and mustard gas combined.

I was proud, and safe, as it always smells good if it is yours. (smells like....Victory)
I got to watch my team lose in peace for 3 quarters after that.


Cabbage and black beans if your interested.

[Armistead]

I like you. Are you looking for a job?


Oh please, replace me with AVG, what an insult. Would you really prefer someone that has relations with barn animals over me?

All I can say is I hope you listen to all the ghost that will be showing up at your house tonight... I expect you to wake, throw open the forum shutters and declare how wonderful everything is.....

[Armistead]

Dear Steve.

If mankind were to run out of beans, how would we gross out our wives?

I let loose a blast during the game last nite, that would have killed an elephant. It would have suffocated God, it was bad. It was one of them warm ones. silent, but noxious, like sarin and mustard gas combined.

I was proud, and safe, as it always smells good if it is yours.

I got to watch my team lose in peace for 3 quarters after that.


Cabbage and black beans if your interested.

I vomitted in my mouth a lil when I read that...You need to come by our office for a vinegar enema ASAP.

[Sailor Steve]

If mankind were to run out of beans, how would we gross out our wives?
There are dozens of ways to do that. Don't limit yourself like that.

I let loose a blast during the game last nite, that would have killed an elephant. It would have suffocated God, it was bad. It was one of them warm ones. silent, but noxious, like sarin and mustard gas combined.
I'm surprised you survived.

I was proud, and safe, as it always smells good if it is yours.
Men have been killed for less. And the verdict invariably came back "Justifiable Homiced", or at least "Self-defense".

I got to watch my team lose in peace for 3 quarters after that.
Be grateful you didn't have to sleep on the porch.

Cabbage and black beans if your interested.
What the Founders thought, if you're interested.
http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=470

[soopaman2]

I vomitted in my mouth a lil when I read that...You need to come by our office for a vinegar enema ASAP.

Do you know what it is like watching a football game with someone who does not understand or like football? It was easier when I was a drunk.:D

No enemas, there is a reason I eat cole slaw, and bean dip on game day.:D

She once told me (no offense to big fellas) that I fart like a fat guy, I am rail thin, and it amazes her I emit the things I do, and disgusts her that I find it so darn funny.

[Jimbuna]

Here's what one of our Founders thought:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DcDzJmW6Qg

[soopaman2]

Here's what one of our Founders thought:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DcDzJmW6Qg


Billy Connolly!
!
As a stand up comedy fan, I am so happy someone else realizes his genius!:salute:
Jim Jeffries is my other favorite comedian with a funny accent ;)

[STEED]

No, we only skip the 13th floor in buildings as too hard to rent the space out.

Well tell those rich Mexican's to naff off the 13th floor, problem solved.

Forget what? :doh:

That's the spirit. :haha:

Now the big question, did America build the Moon to control everyone? I only ask this as David (Son of God from the planet Orange) Icke thinks you did.

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

I'm becomong increasingly forgetfull these days, can you remind me what it was I was going to ask you.

Dementia

[soopaman2]

Dear Steve

I'm becomong increasingly forgetfull these days, can you remind me what it was I was going to ask you.

Dementia


Oh that. If you got a boner for more than 4 hours after taking the pill, call your doc, It also messes with blood thinner meds, so be careful.

Ohhh, :oops:

:sunny: Teasing:salute:

:O:

[Jimbuna]

I should be so lucky :)

[STEED]

Dear Steve

Can drinking a fizzy drink after eating a packet of mints be really that bad for you?

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve,

Drinking in less than moderation makes my head hurt, drinking in more than moderation makes my head hurt.........

If I drink immoderately will my head be ok, or should I limit my drinking to immorally?

Yours,

P. Issed

[Sailor Steve]

Now the big question, did America build the Moon to control everyone? I only ask this as David (Son of God from the planet Orange) Icke thinks you did.
Don't be daft, lad! We built the moon for advertising space. Then the do-gooders said "NO! It's pristine! It's pure! You can't write on it!"

So now we look at it and think of how big our national debt is, and how we almost had a way to get rid of it entirely.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I'm becomong increasingly forgetfull these days, can you remind me what it was I was going to ask you.

Dementia
You were going to ask me to help you stop writing stupid questions to to that stupid online geek guy.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Can drinking a fizzy drink after eating a packet of mints be really that bad for you?
Not at all. Please drink a 2-liter bottle and a couple boxes of mints with Alka-Seltzer added, and have a blast. Just let me know in advance, so I can be at least a mile away when you do.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Drinking in less than moderation makes my head hurt, drinking in more than moderation makes my head hurt.........

If I drink immoderately will my head be ok, or should I limit my drinking to immorally?

Yours,

P. Issed
Drink until you go blind. It won't do you any good, but at least I'll stop getting letters from you.

[STEED]

:har::har::up::up:


Dear Steve

You should win the GT 2012 comedy awards hands down for such witty answers. :rotfl2:

[Sailor Steve]

:har::har::up::up:


Dear Steve

You should win the GT 2012 comedy awards hands down for such witty answers. :rotfl2:
GT? Sorry, I no longer drive race cars. Even in video games.

[Armistead]

I'm back.....but I need New Years off.

I see business is slow, either you've cured everyone or they think you're....you're....

I'll keep my job for now, loose lips sink chips.

[Sailor Steve]

I'm back.....but I need New Years off.
Take it off. Take the whole week off. In fact, take the whole year off. No, take the rest of your life off.

Or not. I'm too 'Christmased' to care.

I see business is slow, either you've cured everyone or they think you're....you're....
They'r right. I am.

I'll keep my job for now, loose lips sink chips.
Too late now. I'm taking a vacation too. :sunny:

[Onkel Neal]

Dear Steve, how did this thread drop to page 2? Is business that slow or have you worked a mess of miracle cures?

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

The squirrels are back! And they have spatulas! Heeeeeelp meeeeeeeee...

Sincerely,
Barney

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve, how did this thread drop to page 2? Is business that slow or have you worked a mess of miracle cures?
I think Armistead's been dumping all my mail in the trash. I may have to chain him in the basement again. :shifty:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

The squirrels are back! And they have spatulas! Heeeeeelp meeeeeeeee...

Sincerely,
Barney
He's still writing! Note to self: Hire more squirrels.

[Cybermat47]

He's still writing! Note to self: Hire more squirrels.

:o :huh:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Take the New Year off...I'm sure the youngster can manage the shop for a few days :)

[Onkel Neal]

Dear Steve, I've been thinking about adding a Like button to the forum. Do you think that will make Subsim too much like Facebook?

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve

My new George Formby grill burned my steaks, I followed the instructions to the letter.

1 I leant on the lampost at the corner of the street.

2 I waited untill a certain little lady came by.

3 I cried oh me, oh my until said lady wandered past:

After step 3 things went downhill rapidly;

She was neither wonderful, marvellous or beautiful. The grill burst into flame....... My steaks were cremated and my customers were less than happy to say the least !!!!!!!!! I am starting to think the cooking instructions were written when George had other things on his mind. Is it possible I could hire your expert services to start a civil action against Mr. Formby ?

I am neither impressed with his cookware, or , his choice in women!

Best regards

G. Ramsey

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Can you remember when the kids were the tv remote?

I.B. Idle

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Take the New Year off...I'm sure the youngster can manage the shop for a few days :)
What new year? Did I miss Christmas again?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve, I've been thinking about adding a Like button to the forum. Do you think that will make Subsim too much like Facebook?
You still haven't read that book on sentence structure I gave you. It should say "Do you think that will make Subsim like Facebook too much?"

And no, I don't think anything will make Subsim like facebook, or even tolerate it.




And if you add a 'Like' button, be sure to add a 'Dislike' button so I can use it on you! :O:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve
...
G. Ramsey
Dear Mr Ramsey;

If you had looked, you would have noticed your steaks were burnt when you got them from the store. The solution I would suggest is to grill the steaks with the grill immersed in a sinkful of water. Be sure to drop the grill in the sink, plug it in, then put the steaks in. This will solve all your problems at once, and give you quite the thrill as well.

p.s.: Tell Mr. Formby that Peter Noone wants to thank him for saving his career.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve, I've been thinking about adding a Like button to the forum. Do you think that will make Subsim too much like Facebook?

Not to step on Dr. Steve's toes, but would be better if you could add a dislike button to each person. If the person gets 20 dislikes, they get banned for a week, 100 likes, they get to take over the forum for a day....
That way Steve would get banned and I would be King...........

[Armistead]

Dr. Steve

When my dog is taking a dump in public, is he embarrassed? He looks it.

Serious, yesterday I was walking him on the road edge between the sidewalk and road and he took a dump when a lady came out and yelled..
"how would you like it if I came to your yard and took a dump" I told her no problem, but I've yet to see her, plus my driveway is a mile long...

[Onkel Neal]

Well back when I enabled the reputation system on this forum, we nearly had a revolt. I had to disable it. And apologize.

[u crank]

Dear Steve,

Couple of questions. How do you know for sure if you've been abducted by aliens?

Also, do you validate parking?

Clueless and shoeless.

[Sailor Steve]

When my dog is taking a dump in public, is he embarrassed? He looks it.
Dogs are never embarrassed. The so-called "hangdog" look is just their way of trying to divert attention so you won't know what they're really thinking. Dogs are just as evil as cats. The only difference is that cats are smart.

[Sailor Steve]

Well back when I enabled the reputation system on this forum, we nearly had a revolt. I had to disable it. And apologize.
I remember that, now that you mention it.

The truth is that I like Facebook, but the only time I ever use the 'Like' button is on YouTube.

[Sailor Steve]

How do you know for sure if you've been abducted by aliens?
The footprints in the pie have three toes instead of five, which is the case with elephants.

Also, do you validate parking?
I validate feelings. I validate goals. I validate lives.

Parking? No.

p.s. You can't be too clueless. You came to me, didn't you?

[u crank]

p.s. You can't be too clueless. You came to me, didn't you?

I had some coupons I got from that assistant of yours.

Clueless and cheap.

[Sailor Steve]

I had some coupons I got from that assistant of yours.

Clueless and cheap.
Yes, he is. I've trained him well.

[Armistead]

I had some coupons I got from that assistant of yours.

Clueless and cheap.

Yes, our coupons are cheap, lacking a brain, they're also clueless, not sure your point.

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

My face is melting. Is there some lotion I can use?

Sincerely,
Harvey Dent

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Can you remember when the kids were the tv remote?

I.B. Idle
I can remember when I was the remote. And the waiter. And the bartender.

My kids? They've always been remote.

[u crank]

Yes, our coupons are cheap, lacking a brain, they're also clueless, not sure your point.

My point is...was....ah never mind. Got any more coupons?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

My face is melting. Is there some lotion I can use?

Sincerely,
Harvey Dent
Ask Boss Maroni. He's the expert in these things.

[Armistead]

I can remember when I was the remote. And the waiter. And the bartender.

My kids? They've always been remote.

Yea, seems all I heard as a kid was.

"change it to channel 12 and get me a beer why you're up."

[Armistead]

My point is...was....ah never mind. Got any more coupons?

Yea, Steve has a 10% off next week for coffee enemas, if you use it on Tues., you get a butt waxing for free, before the enema of course.

Should I sign you up.....

[u crank]

Yea, Steve has a 10% off next week for coffee enemas, if you use it on Tues., you get a butt waxing for free, before the enema of course.

Should I sign you up.....

This all sounds kinda familiar. How many toes do you have? You ever been on Rigial 7? I thought so.

Steve.....

[Sailor Steve]

This all sounds kinda familiar. How many toes do you have? You ever been on Rigial 7? I thought so.
Yes, Armistead. Have you? Enquiring minds want to know.

Steve.....
Yes?

[u crank]

Yes?

No. Maybe so.

I need a nap.

[Sailor Steve]

No. Maybe so.
Yes. Maybe less.

I need a nap.
Just had mine.
Feeling fine.
No need to whine.
Time to dine.

[Armistead]

Yes, Armistead. Have you? Enquiring minds want to know.




No, but I work around a lot of glue making models.

[Sailor Steve]

No, but I work around a lot of glue making models.
Well that makes it alright then. Sniffing gl...I mean, building models is an honorable pastime.

It had better be, considering how many I've built over the years.

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve.

My boomerang won't come back !

C.Drake

[danasan]

Dear Dr Steve

Why is it still earlier in your country than in mine?

Can't you hurry up a bit?

[STEED]

Dear Steve,

I'm into head butting walls is this a good idea?

[Armistead]

Dr Steve,

What exactly was the idiot that came up with this qoute saying...

"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Hope you have a great 2013

[STEED]

Dear Steve

I have two penises, should I keep one for best.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve.

My boomerang won't come back !

C.Drake
Jimbuna wants to talk to you about stealing his material.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Dr Steve

Why is it still earlier in your country than in mine?
Because our clocks work right. I can fix yours for cheap.

Can't you hurry up a bit?
Sure, but I'll have to charge you more.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I'm into head butting walls is this a good idea?
Only if you like people calling you "butthead".

[Sailor Steve]

Dr Steve,

What exactly was the idiot that came up with this qoute saying...

"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"
He was trying to say that spending your entire life crying every day and hating yourself is better than having a good time out with your friends and not having a care in the world.

And you're right. He was an idiot.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Hope you have a great 2013
I'd be happy just to have a great 1.

What were we talking about, anyway?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I have two penises, should I keep one for best.
Those aren't penises, those are shoes. Didn't your mother teach you anything?

[Jimbuna]

Jimbuna wants to talk to you about stealing his material.

Amazing you remembered :)

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,

I'm into head butting walls is this a good idea?

Sorry Dr. Steve missed your question, but I know he endorses head butting walls if they're made out of steel or concrete. He also supports sticking your head in your own arse as when Jimbuna left our office yesterday, Steve said he always walked around "with his head up his ass."
He says that a lot and doesn't seem to treat the condition, so either he is OK with it or he thinks it's incurable.

I'll send you a coupon for a free ball waxing

[STEED]

:har::har:

[Onkel Neal]

Lol

[danasan]

Dear Dr Steve,

how does it come that I am addicted to redheads? We are not used to them here in Germany at all. Shouldn't I stick to the blonde blue-eyed girls instead?

http://www.graphicfetish.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/ballpoint-pen-drawing.jpg

EDIT: THIS IS A DRAWING! (http://vianaarts.deviantart.com/art/Redhead-Girl-Ballpoint-Pen-310870595)

[Penguin]

Dear Sailor Abby,

I really wanted to read the words danasan wrote, but as soon as I saw the pic he posted, saliva started to drip uncontrolable out of my mouth, ruining my keyboard.
Can I sue danasan for recompensation, e.g. sending me the gal on the pic, for the damages he has done?

Cheers,
fox hunter in Germany

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Dr Steve,

how does it come that I am addicted to redheads? We are not used to them here in Germany at all. Shouldn't I stick to the blonde blue-eyed girls instead?
First, how dare you post pictures like that in my thread!? It's hard to answer questions when you can't remember what they are from on second to the next!

Now, as to your question...

Now, as to your question...

Oh, okay...

1. You should not be addicted to redheads. Where girls are concerned, single-minded addictions are bad. If there are none where you live, you limit yourself from the lovely ones who do live where you are at, and you miss out on a lot of fun.

2. No, you should not stick to blue-eyed blonde girls. They are lovely to look at, but so are many of the various other types, including your adored redheads. Just go look at the 'Beautiful Women' thread. :sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Sailor Abby,

I really wanted to read the words danasan wrote, but as soon as I saw the pic he posted, saliva started to drip uncontrolable out of my mouth, ruining my keyboard.
What?

Can I sue danasan for recompensation, e.g. sending me the gal on the pic, for the damages he has done?
No. Get your own.

Cheers,
fox hunter in Germany
Fox hunting is an ancient and honored tradition. Just be careful. Sometimes they bite. Sometimes that can even be a bad thing. :D

[danasan]

Thanks, Dr Steve.

You are such a wise guy.

But it still hurts...

[geetrue]

Dear Steve,

Saw this on a public restroom wall and I wanted to know if there was any truth to it? :D


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[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Saw this on a public restroom wall and I wanted to know if there was any truth to it? :D
NO!

Never believe anything you read on a restroom wall.

Except the one about Glenda J. I wrote that, so I know it's true. :rock:

[u crank]

Dear Handsome Sailor Steve,

People laugh at me and say I look funny. And with good reason.

What's your secret and how much did you pay for it?

Clueless and curious.

[STEED]

Dear Steve

I hear America fell off the fiscal cliff and no one with any common sense noticed, is this true?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Handsome Sailor Steve,
You lost me right there.

People laugh at me and say I look funny. And with good reason.
Everybody thinks they have a good reason. They don't.

What's your secret and how much did you pay for it?
My secret is not to mind that it hurts.

Clueless and curious.
Women love ugly men. Just ask Eric Burdon. Pretty guys, ugly guys, they both do all right. It's us average guys who suffer.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I hear America fell off the fiscal cliff and no one with any common sense noticed, is this true?
How would I know? I have no common sense at all, and I didn't notice anything.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,
I have explosive diarrhea, can I have off tomorrow.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
I have explosive diarrhea, can I have off tomorrow.
Oh, please, by all means, take all the time you need. In fact, take a trip to somewhere far, far away. And leaving now would be nice. Or even yesterday.

[Onkel Neal]

Dear Steve, I've worked five days in a row this week, and I'm worried that it's going to become a habit. What should I do?

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve, I've finally decided it's time for a change...but into what?

[STEED]

Dear Steve

Is it true that farting is the spice of life?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve, I've worked five days in a row this week, and I'm worried that it's going to become a habit. What should I do?
Do something major to break up the routine. Be brave. Be bold. Take an extra two minutes for lunch. Put the other shoe on first. Drink tea rather than coffee. Put Dr Pepper on your Cheerios.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve, I've finally decided it's time for a change...but into what?
Your own clothes for a start. Your wife is complaining.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Is it true that farting is the spice of life?
Only if you've been on a steady diet of Oregano and Parsley.

[Onkel Neal]

Only if you've been on a steady diet of Oregano and Parsley.

:k_rofl:

[Armistead]

Only if you've been on a steady diet of Oregano and Parsley.


Maybe best answer yet, damn near choked..:har:

[soopaman2]

Dear Steve.

I got odd lumps in my feces. I saved it. So it eventually hatched, and an insectoid being popped out and ate my wife.

It is in the living room watching Honey Boo Boo.

Help me Steve. I don't mind my wife being eaten, but Honey Boo Boo on my TV is unbearable!:/\\!!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve.

I got odd lumps in my feces. I saved it. So it eventually hatched, and an insectoid being popped out and ate my wife.

It is in the living room watching Honey Boo Boo.

Help me Steve. I don't mind my wife being eaten, but Honey Boo Boo on my TV is unbearable!:/\\!!
Sorry, I don't touch things like that with a ten-foot pole. In fact, I don't even touch the ten-foot pole that's touched something like that with a ten-foot pole.

All I can suggest is that you buy a new house, and have the old one demolished around that thing's ears. If it has ears. If not, you're on your own.

[STEED]

Dear Steve, I think I'm missing my man boobs are loosing a lot of weight..Just wondering you haven't got them and giving them a good fondle are you?

[Sailor Steve]

Why would I do a thing like that??? I don't steal body parts from my vict...patients.

That's why I grew my own. :rock:

[STEED]

Jim must have then. :rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

Jim must have then. :rotfl2:

So it's you Jim Davidson is being asked questions about! :o

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2013/jan/02/jim-davidson-arrested-jimmy-savile

[STEED]

Dear Steve

Should jim write a book on sarcastic fun?

He's so damn funny.:rotfl2:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Should jim write a book on sarcastic fun?

He's so damn funny.:rotfl2:

That question will be answered when you get the knock on your door at 0400 in the morning :)

[Sailor Steve]

Should jim write a book on sarcastic fun?
If he did, would you read it?

He's so damn funny.:rotfl2:
He is. You should take lessons.

[Jimbuna]

If he did, would you read it?


He is. You should take lessons.

+ 1 my friend :smug:

[Armistead]

Dear Steve

Should jim write a book on sarcastic fun?

He's so damn funny.:rotfl2:


Maybe he is just funny to you....

[STEED]

If he did, would you read it?


He is. You should take lessons.


YES :DL

If the lessons are free. :hmmm:

[STEED]

Maybe he is just funny to you....

Laughing gas for Armistead...


I said laughing gas not farting gas...:oops:

[Sailor Steve]

Maybe he is just funny to you....
Steed is what we call a "Crusty Curmudgeon". He doesn't find many things funny, and when he does they tend to be a bit "peculiar". :O:

[NeonSamurai]

Dear Sailor Steve,

How long do you think it will be until that NeonSamurai guy goes berserk and bans us all? I swear he is watching... waiting... plotting...

Signed,
Petrified in Pasadena

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Sailor Steve,

How long do you think it will be until that NeonSamurai guy goes berserk and bans us all? I swear he is watching... waiting... plotting...

Signed,
Petrified in Pasadena
You can rest easy. What he doesn't know is that his computer has been tied to a tiny implant in his brain. The minute he tries to ban...certain parties his face will melt and all the brain juice will run out into a pan, to be collected and put on display as a warning of what happens when you mess with...oh, wait. You're not talking about me; you're talking about you?

Who cares? Quit whining or I'll ban you myself!

[Armistead]

Dear Sailor Steve,

How long do you think it will be until that NeonSamurai guy goes berserk and bans us all? I swear he is watching... waiting... plotting...

Signed,
Petrified in Pasadena

Sounds kinky...

I'll get you in with Dr. Steve ASAP...

[Jimbuna]

You can rest easy. What he doesn't know is that his computer has been tied to a tiny implant in his brain. The minute he tries to ban...certain parties his face will melt and all the brain juice will run out into a pan, to be collected and put on display as a warning of what happens when you mess with...oh, wait. You're not talking about me; you're talking about you?

Who cares? Quit whining or I'll ban you myself!

Very cool indeed :D

[soopaman2]

Is throwing a Snapple bottle full of urine out of a car (off a bridge) still considered a trucker bomb, even if you are not driving a rig?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=trucker%20bomb

Ps, do not open any snapple bottles you find in the Hudson River.

[Sailor Steve]

"Anybody can say something dirty and get a laugh. To say something clean and get a laugh, that requires a comedian"
-Groucho Marx

It seems Groucho was wrong. Some people can't even say something dirty and get a laugh.

[Onkel Neal]

"Anybody can say something dirty and get a laugh. To say something clean and get a laugh, that requires a comedian"
-Groucho Marx

It seems Groucho was wrong. Some people can't even say something dirty and get a laugh.

Dear Steve, you were serious about that grammer nazi thing, weren't you? But who made you "senior" grammer nazi? Or does that refer to your advanced age?

[Cybermat47]

grammer

:o

Don't antagonize him!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve, you were serious about that grammer nazi thing, weren't you? But who made you "senior" grammer nazi? Or does that refer to your advanced age?
Me? Serious? Never! I think it's funny when people somehow manage to get through high school, or even college, and don't know the first thing about their own language.

Or maybe I'm like the professional critic who can't seem to accomplish anything himself and feels compelled to tear down those who do.

As for "senior", it's because I'm the only one who is actually stupid enough to do it in public. Better that than grind my teeth down to nothing.

[Sailor Steve]

:o

Don't antagonize him!
You noticed. Good for you! :sunny:

[Penguin]

Wazzup Steef!

i heart their r sum gramma nazis out they're. Can I join the gramma commies to fite against thouse evildoeers?

Sincerely,
spelling-bound

[Onkel Neal]

W'll make you our leader!

[soopaman2]

If you had a time machine, and went back in time, and saw you diddling your own wife, would you still get jealous?

I only ask because I figured you had such cool things like time machines.

I mean, why else an ask Steve thread?

Can you bring me back a sports almamac? Tell Doc Brown I said Hi!

[Sailor Steve]

Wazzup Steef!

i heart their r sum gramma nazis out they're. Can I join the gramma commies to fite against thouse evildoeers?

Sincerely,
spelling-bound
Ja. Warum nicht?