Dear Steve Thread

[Armistead]

Do you have issues, need a good dose of online Prozac, then this is the thread for you. Discuss your physical, emotional, marital, sexual, general life issues with Dr. Steve of Subsim. Come on in, lay on the couch, knowing you won't be judged here for being you.

Who will be first, who has a question for Dr. Steve O.L.D.

[Armistead]

As usual, I'll go first.

Dear Steve,

I have been married for almost 20 years. Lately, every time my wife walks by me she mumbles under her breath. When I ask her what's she's saying, she simply replies "nothing".

What's up with her?

[Sailor Steve]

Before I was just a lawyer. Now I'm a psikia...psychulag...shrink too? Who knew? My license hasn't even come in the mail yet! If it doesn't come soon I'm going to have to stock up on whatever cereal that has things like this in the box.

Just so you know, O.L.D. stands for Order of the Legally Dead. :dead:

I also hold the Blessed Ugly Lady's Loving Safety and Health In Texas award, but that's another story.

[Sailor Steve]

As usual, I'll go first.

Dear Steve,

I have been married for almost 20 years. Lately, every time my wife walks by me she mumbles under her breath. When I ask her what's she's saying, she simply replies "nothing".

What's up with her?
She obviously has a defective voice box. A pair of pliers might do the job, but just to be on the safe side I'd send in for Sailor's Obviously Technical Ongoing Voicebox Omnifier Class-1 Eradicator kit. Only $99.98 one-week only special. After that it goes up to $99.99. :sunny:

[nikimcbee]

Dear Dr Steve,
I know a "subsim member" who doesn't like swearing, but then he posted this:
I also hold the Blessed Ugly Lady's Loving Safety and Health In Texas award, but that's another story.

Am I morally obligated to call Neal and complain?:hmm2:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Dr Steve,
I know a "subsim member" who doesn't like swearing, but then he posted this:
You're obviously confused. You never saw anything like that here. Besides, I...I mean, HE didn't create that medal. It's a Texas thing.

Am I morally obligated to call Neal and complain?:hmm2:
Nah. Just bite him on the leg. Neal, that is. Ignore the man behind the curtain.

[AVGWarhawk]

Sound advise. :up:

[Sailor Steve]

Sound advise. :up:
Get bigger speakers.

[AVGWarhawk]

Get bigger speakers.

:har:

[Herr-Berbunch]

Dear Steve

Please help. Just recently I've been drifting off when . . .

[Sailor Steve]

<SLAP>

[Sailor Steve]

The O.L.D. Sailor is out for his afternoon nap. All requests will be taken in order, depending on his mood. If he's not back by this time tomorrow, go away and leave him alone.

[Herr-Berbunch]

. . . in the middle of a sentence, it's quite embarrassing really. Anyway, if you can help that's be great.

Also I've suddenly got a painful cheek, any ideas how I can find out what caused it - could it be an allergy?

Yours hopefully,

Herr-B

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve.

Please advise, if I squeeze my lemon, will I indeed fall right out of bed? Should I pad the area immediately around said bed?

Yours,

Dazed and confused

[August]

Dear Steve,

When I wash my white socks with my work clothes they come out with a grey tinge. Is there anything I can do beside buying new socks to fix this?

Signed,
Embarrassed by his socks

[Herr-Berbunch]

Dear Steve

Long time reader, first time poster.

I've put the lime in the coconut. Now what?

Regards,

Herr-B

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

I'm scared of Girls, especially when they gather into a pack. How can I overcome this?

Sincerely,
Still Single

[Armistead]

She obviously has a defective voice box. A pair of pliers might do the job, but just to be on the safe side I'd send in for Sailor's Obviously Technical Ongoing Voicebox Omnifier Class-1 Eradicator kit. Only $99.98 one-week only special. After that it goes up to $99.99. :sunny:

Ordered...

Also, what do you do for morning constipation?

[geetrue]

Couldn't help but notice that nikimcbee's medal is for 2010 and Steve's is for 2009.

Does that mean that nikimcbee is a better person to seek counseling ?

Counseling Services – Marriage, Family, Substance Abuse ... (http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/)

www.allaboutcounseling.com (http://www.allaboutcounseling.com)
Addiction is one of the most challenging problems dealt with in counseling.

[nikimcbee]

Ordered...

Also, what do you do for morning constipation?


:har::har::har::har::har::har:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve,
Sorry but I can not be your girlfriend anymore because my Dad says that I am not supposed to date until I am 16.

Your friend (he said that we can still be friends),

Dave

:O:

[Fubar2Niner]

^
:har::har::har:

Best regards.

Fubar2Niner

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

Were does the white go when the snow melts?

Thanks,
Frosty

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

There is so much about our time together that I am grateful for, but sadly, the time has come for us to part ways. I wish I could say we’ll still be friends, but it’s just too risky for me.
Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

Good-bye forever,
Billy

:O:

[Stealhead]

Dear Steve,
When picking my nose in public what is the best booger disposal
method? Finger flicking or shirt swipe?How about while on a dinner date?

Signed,
Boogy Fingers

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve,

Why should I never teach my granny to suck eggs? Whilst on the subject, just because I laugh last, does it necessarily follow that I laugh longest?

If my grandmother made my father a transvestite, if I gave her the wool, would she make me one?

Puzzled

[nikimcbee]

Dear Steve,

How much wood, would a woodchuck chuck?
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Honeybadgered in Hawaii.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,

My friend sent me this pic. What is this and should I.....I mean, should he be concerned.

Regards,

Pussnuts

http://i351.photobucket.com/albums/q473/ohla_78/herpes.jpg

[eddie]

Dear Steve, If the world ends on Dec 21st, can I get my money back on all the Christmas presents I bought?

Your friend until the end,
Georgie

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Best ignore this thread...for your own sanity.

Regards
Deeply Disturbed

[Armistead]

Dear Steve

Best ignore this thread...for your own sanity.

Regards
Deeply Disturbed

Well, I was hoping mature questions would be asked.....

[Jimbuna]

He'll probably have to hire an asst.

Just one? :hmmm:

:)

[Sailor Steve]

I hate it when people do that right...
. . . in the middle of a sentence, it's quite embarrassing really. Anyway, if you can help that's be great.

Also I've suddenly got a painful cheek, any ideas how I can find out what caused it - could it be an allergy?
You are a painful cheek. Take two Advil and sue the Aspirin company.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve.

Please advise, if I squeeze my lemon, will I indeed fall right out of bed? Should I pad the area immediately around said bed?

Yours,

Dazed and confused
I believe a "she" needs to be involved for that to work properly. How many more times are you going to ask that question?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

When I wash my white socks with my work clothes they come out with a grey tinge. Is there anything I can do beside buying new socks to fix this?

Signed,
Embarrassed by his socks
The grey color has nothing to do with your work clothes. Wash your feet first.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Long time reader, first time poster.

I've put the lime in the coconut. Now what?

Regards,

Herr-B
Drink 'em both up. Tom and Dick may not, but every Harry knows this.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I'm scared of Girls, especially when they gather into a pack. How can I overcome this?

Sincerely,
Still Single
You can't. My only advice here is "Run for your life!"

[Sailor Steve]

Ordered...

Also, what do you do for morning constipation?
Have your wife start talking again. That should be enough.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
Sorry but I can not be your girlfriend anymore because my Dad says that I am not supposed to date until I am 16.

Your friend (he said that we can still be friends),

Dave

:O:
Dear Dave,

Consider yourself lucky. Your dad just wants me for himself.

[Sailor Steve]

Couldn't help but notice that nikimcbee's medal is for 2010 and Steve's is for 2009.
This is because Neal likes it when McBee licks his nose. When I tried that Neal called the cops.

Does that mean that nikimcbee is a better person to seek counseling ?
Only if your own nose is wet and black.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Were does the white go when the snow melts?

Thanks,
Frosty
It's collected by the Elf Recycling Gatherer's Order, who then ship it to the Wheal Hall In The Everglades. From there it's used to keep the alligators hidden until the next winter.

Be careful of what might be in your neighbor's snowman.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

There is so much about our time together that I am grateful for, but sadly, the time has come for us to part ways. I wish I could say we’ll still be friends, but it’s just too risky for me.
Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

Good-bye forever,
Billy

:O:
Dear Billy,

I know Jim is better than I am. I wish it weren't so, but it is. I wish you both a long, happy life together.

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

What is worse than lobsters on your piano?


Crabs on your organ!

Thanks for listening. :up:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
When picking my nose in public what is the best booger disposal
method? Finger flicking or shirt swipe?How about while on a dinner date?

Signed,
Boogy Fingers
Finger flicking can leave a mess that some poor dog, cat or snail might step in. Shirt-wiping leaves a stain that will drive your date away.

Best to eat it now while it's still fresh. It probably tastes better than the food at that restaurant anyway.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Why should I never teach my granny to suck eggs?
I see nothing wrong with that practice. Grannies are a precious resource.

Whilst on the subject, just because I laugh last, does it necessarily follow that I laugh longest?
No. If you started late you might actually laugh shortest. But if you laugh loudest your friends will smack you.

If my grandmother made my father a transvestite, if I gave her the wool, would she make me one?

Puzzled
No. Your grandmother hates you.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

How much wood, would a woodchuck chuck?
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Honeybadgered in Hawaii.
My own personal chuck chucks an average of two cords per day. Your chuck was eaten by RockyMcBee, so your question is irrelevant.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve

There is so much about our time together that I am grateful for, but sadly, the time has come for us to part ways. I wish I could say we’ll still be friends, but it’s just too risky for me.
Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

Good-bye forever,
Billy

:O:

This brought me to tears...I'm so sorry man, hopefully things will get better for you...:wah:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

My friend sent me this pic. What is this and should I.....I mean, should he be concerned.

Regards,

Pussnuts
That is a picture of your friends dinner just after he ate it.

And if he's any friend of yours, yes, he should be concerned.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve, If the world ends on Dec 21st, can I get my money back on all the Christmas presents I bought?

Your friend until the end,
Georgie
No, you can't. I recommend you send all your money to me for safekeeping instead.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Best ignore this thread...for your own sanity.

Regards
Deeply Disturbed
You imply that I ever had a sanity to ignore.

I also know what your lawyer told you about hedge funds and the possibility of getting out of debt by the rules about mental instability.

I hate to break this to you, but THERE IS NO SANITY CLAUSE!

[Armistead]

Dear Steve...

When I get up to talke a wizz at night, I don't want to turn on the light.
My wife appears asleep, but when I get done whizzing, she is awake and mad that I missed in the dark and peed on the seat/floor/walls.. Geesh, do women really tune into the tone of your pee at night.

Anyway, she told me to start sitting when I pee at night, seems girly to me, what do you think....?

Regards,

[Sailor Steve]

Well, I was hoping mature questions would be asked.....
And I was hoping for a nice relaxing day fishing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zANvYB93u2g

[Sailor Steve]

Just one? :hmmm:

:)
I don't need any help. Well, I do, but that's another story. Anyway, I don't need any help to deal with a bunch of whiny losers who couldn't find their way out a room with only one door! I really couldn't care less about...wait...is this thing on?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

What is worse than lobsters on your piano?


Crabs on your organ!

Thanks for listening. :up:
I don't play keyboards. I play bass.

[Sailor Steve]

This brought me to tears...I'm so sorry man, hopefully things will get better for you...:wah:
Things did get better for me, the minute that loser left. If Jim doesn't want him, he's all yours.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve...

When I get up to talke a wizz at night, I don't want to turn on the light.
My wife appears asleep, but when I get done whizzing, she is awake and mad that I missed in the dark and peed on the seat/floor/walls.. Geesh, do women really tune into the tone of your pee at night.
This is symptomatic of a deeper problem. Your wife actually wishes you would wait until she's done before you start whizzing on her.

Anyway, she told me to start sitting when I pee at night, seems girly to me, what do you think....?

Regards,
I think it's a good idea. Then she can leave the seat up and you can fall in in the darik!

[Armistead]

Things did get better for me, the minute that loser left. If Jim doesn't want him, he's all yours.


OK. If your marital advice doesn't work out, I'm to the point being gay is an option.

[AVGWarhawk]

This is symptomatic of a deeper problem. Your wife actually wishes you would wait until she's done before you start whizzing on her.


I think it's a good idea. Then she can leave the seat up and you can fall in in the darik!

:haha:

[Sailor Steve]

OK. If your marital advice doesn't work out, I'm to the point being gay is an option.
We should all strive to make the world a better place.

have you considered celibacy?

[Jimbuna]

God!...you make Vendor look like an orphan :har:

[Gerald]

God!...you make Vendor look like an orphan :har:I am retired :smug:

[Jimbuna]

Great :O:

[u crank]

Finally, a smart person on the internet!

Dear Steve, this has been bothering me for a while. Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the tube?

Clueless in Canada.

[Armistead]

We should all strive to make the world a better place.

have you considered celibacy?

Yes, my wife and I have tried that, seems to work for her...

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,
There is a nude man outside telling me that Mr. Spock is dead. I threw a brick at him but he's still there. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Burnt-face man

[Sailor Steve]

God!...you make Vendor look like an orphan :har:
Sorry, Vendor and I are not remotely related.

And don't call me "God". He has the name trademarked already, and I can't afford his lawyer.

[Gerald]

Sorry, Vendor and I are not remotely related.

And don't call me "God". He has the name trademarked already, and I can't afford his lawyer. LOL :haha:

[Sailor Steve]

Finally, a smart person on the internet!
Where? Is he onto me? Don't tell him where I am!

Dear Steve, this has been bothering me for a while. Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the tube?
Because the tubes are made of a naquita-trinium alloy, tempered by heating in a dilithium photon chamber. Don't they teach anything in school these days? That stuff is tougher than dalekanium.

Clueless in Canada.
How long have you had this need to state the obvious?

[Sailor Steve]

I am retired :smug:
From what? You have to have a job before you can retire. :O:

[Sailor Steve]

Great :O:
Is that a question or an answer?

[Sailor Steve]

Yes, my wife and I have tried that, seems to work for her...
Smart woman. If that doesn't work, I suggest "getting the dog fixed". That worked great for me...and my ex-wife.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
There is a nude man outside telling me that Mr. Spock is dead. I threw a brick at him but he's still there. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Burnt-face man
I suggest laying off the happy-juice. If that doesn't help, drink more. Passing out makes those guys go away.

Or so I'm told.

[Gerald]

From what? You have to have a job before you can retire. :O: I have it both here and there,:D

[Sailor Steve]

I have it both here and there,:D
Where you've had "it" is none of my business. :sunny:

[Gerald]

Where you've had "it" is none of my business. :sunny: Not yet,:O:

[u crank]

How long have you had this need to state the obvious?

Sir, I have been quite up front about the fact that I am Canadian. No need to rub it in.

[Sailor Steve]

Sir, I have been quite up front about the fact that I am Canadian. No need to rub it in.
Your affiliation is none of my concern. I fully support your right to believe whatever you want. As for rubbing it in, I'm sorry, but I don't do that with people of your persuasion. :O:

[u crank]

Your affiliation is none of my concern. I fully support your right to believe whatever you want. As for rubbing it in, I'm sorry, but I don't do that with people of your persuasion. :O:

You are obviously a very liberated seismologist.

Cheque is in the mail.:D

[Sailor Steve]

Cheque is in the mail.:D
Thank you, but I have no use for a Czech, either mail or femail.

Wait.

I'll take your cheque, and check out the Czech. If she fits my criteria, we have a deal.

[u crank]

..criteria,

OK, if you're gonna use those fancy medical terms I'll have to get a lawyer.

[Gerald]

Dear Mr. Steve.I often wake in the morning and think of women without denying that they are made by God, but then I heard about you and your miracle, and then I want to ask do you think that it is desirable to ask for a intercourse more than 3 times per day, as it is difficult to get more than just 3-4 times,did you have an alternative way to go in this case.

Yours sincerely

I enclose five dollars in original envelope for return.

[Sailor Steve]

OK, if you're gonna use those fancy medical terms I'll have to get a lawyer.
Hmm...I know it's here somewhere...okay, it can't be this hard to find...Oh! Here it is!

My card:

CARD:
Sailor Steve, Attorney At Large.
Dewey, Cheatham and Howe
Serving your Legal Needs. Ambulances chased for a small extra fee.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Mr. Steve.I often wake in the morning and think of women without denying that they are made by God, but then I heard about you and your miracle, and then I want to ask do you think that it is desirable to ask for a intercourse more than 3 times per day, as it is difficult to get more than just 3-4 times,did you have an alternative way to go in this case.

Yours sincerely

I enclose five dollars in original envelope for return.
Three times a day? Are we talking about conversation or food? If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, you're talking to the wrong person, because it's been so long I no longer know what you're talking about.

What were we talking about, anyway?

[TarJak]

Dear Steve,

I'd like to complain about the advice you are giving to everyone on Subsim.

Warmest Regards
Someone who likes to complain

[Oberon]

Dear Steve

Where are my pigeons now?

I had two pigeons, bright and gay, fly from me the other day. Why was it they did go?

Yours
Simon

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I'd like to complain about the advice you are giving to everyone on Subsim.

Warmest Regards
Someone who likes to complain
Sounds like you need a copy of my new book: Complaining Complainers and the Complaints They Complain About.

$49.95, and that's just for the title. The rest of the book is five cents per word.

Expect it to be quite wordy.




Oh, and "Liking to Complain" is a very serious disease. I suggest you complaint about it to someone.

Preferably someone else.

[Gerald]

Three times a day? Are we talking about conversation or food? If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, you're talking to the wrong person, because it's been so long I no longer know what you're talking about.

What were we talking about, anyway? Okay, then you reimburse me for my expenses that I have had in connection with this speech, I thought of a fool's insistence that you were a solution to the problem,a disappointed man but but declines further development of the call without consulting lawyer,on the ground, no one wants to have intercourse many times :nope:

[Sailor Steve]

Okay, then you reimburse me for my expenses that I have had in connection with this speech, I thought of a fool's insistence that you were a solution to the problem,a disappointed man but but declines further development of the call without consulting lawyer,on the ground, no one wants to have intercourse many times :nope:
Wait wait wait! I never said I had any answers to anything. Armistead said that. Armistead started the thread.

If you don't like my anwers, blame Armistead!


Oh, cool! My next sig!

[Gerald]

Armistead,I will get him,no I can't....he likes dogs..and ya have not dogs,get it :doh:

[Armistead]

Dear Steve...

How come my pubic hair never went gray like the hair on my head....Is it just me? At what age will they even out? I think I look funny naked with gray hair and a flaming orange bush....What do you think. I can post SS if needed.

Regards,

Anonymous

[Armistead]

Armistead,I will get him,no I can't....he likes dogs..and ya have not dogs,get it :doh:


Steve,

I don't get this, please explain. I mean, I do have a dog that I love if that helps anything....

Signed,

Confused

[Sailor Steve]

Armistead,I will get him,no I can't....he likes dogs..and ya have not dogs,get it :doh:
Armistead may get it, but I sure don't.

[Gerald]

Steve,

I don't get this, please explain. I mean, I do have a dog that I love if that helps anything....

Signed,

Confused Steve may not be able to answer simple questions, and then it becomes your table,:arrgh!:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve...
Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry, but I don't talk to evil scary non-entities who hack computers, even if they do it to people I think deserve it.

Also, the nature of your question is just too...too!

I can post SS if needed.
Is that a blackmail attempt? Post all the pictures of me you like! I'm not afraid.

Well, unless it's that one of me and Billy...

[Sailor Steve]

Steve,

I don't get this, please explain. I mean, I do have a dog that I love if that helps anything....

Signed,

Confused
Sorry, but if I knew anything, which I don't, I wouldn't tell you anyway.

Confused two.

[Sailor Steve]

Steve may not be able to answer simple questions, and then it becomes your table,:arrgh!:
I can so answer simple questions! Being simple is what I do best! :stare:

[Armistead]

Dear Anonymous,

I'm sorry, but I don't talk to evil scary non-entities who hack computers, even if they do it to people I think deserve it.

Also, the nature of your question is just too...too!


Is that a blackmail attempt? Post all the pictures of me you like! I'm not afraid.

Well, unless it's that one of me and Billy...


At least I'm not alone, so I feel much better, thanks so much....

[Red October1984]

Dear Steve,

I have been very concerned lately because I cannot see my ears without a mirror. I'd like to be able to look up and see them still sitting there. The doctor from the alley put me on this thing called Meth. Its wonderful. I see things.... I SEE THINGS.

Crazy James Wadsworth IV

[Gerald]

I can so answer simple questions! Being simple is what I do best! :stare: Nice one,:O:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
I have been very concerned lately because I cannot see my ears without a mirror. I'd like to be able to look up and see them still sitting there. The doctor from the alley put me on this thing called Meth. Its wonderful. I see things.... I SEE THINGS.

Crazy James Wadsworth IV

The Doctor from the alley is a very bad man. You should stay away from him. Buy your meth from me inst...no, wait. Not here. Meet me in the alley.

This should help:

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a325/SailorSteve/Labs.jpg

[Armistead]

Blame Armistead.......OH NO YOU DIDN"T.

Let me be clear, even though I started this thread, I accept no responsibility for it, nor am I responsible for opinions expressed by its writers or any mishaps of any nature that might occur from use of published advise or recommendations by any member.


All advise/opinion reflects the limited experience of Dr. Steve O.L.D which I do not take responsibility for. Any advise or otherwise hasn't been verified or tested by any responsible organization, its agents, staff or employees. I do not accept responsibility for the results obtained by persons using such advise and disclaim all liability for any consequential injuries and damages.
It is the reader's resposibility to use common sense to protect himself and others from injury.

[Gerald]

^You'll get over it in time, enjoy the journey :D

[Gerald]

Dear Steve

Best ignore this thread...for your own sanity.

Regards
Deeply Disturbed :har:

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

It's finally happened, the happy juice has run out. They're coming...THEY'RE COMING!

Sincerely,
Kuytredy

[Armistead]

^You'll get over it in time, enjoy the journey :D

Either you're stupid or you think on such a high level that I'm unable to connect, because what's in your head, I cannot find in mine...

No offense or be offended, I don't give a chit...

All I want is a sticky, a sticky for a thread that I created. So far all my threads have been failures, my insults thread was too insulting, my poetry thread, well, I should've known better, my Subsim Pets thread, well, it appears we don't have many animal lovers...I hope this one works, if it doesn't, then I am running out of ideas.

Why, oh why am I such a failure here. Why can't I ever fit in anywhere? Why do.....why,,do:wah::wah: peoooople {I'm crying here, sobbing} why do I just never seem to fit in. Why does my wife look at me strange...Why do I only have a dog that loves me.....Why am I constipated....Why am I the only one that gets infractions for trying to bring humor into the world....WHY WHY WHY....Please.....LOVE ME.....

[Sailor Steve]

I accept no responsibility...nor am I responsible...which I do not take responsibility for...

We already knew you are irresponsible. Admitting it is the first step. Congratulations!

[Red October1984]

AHHHHHH! The spiders are crawling all over me! Hdßujvfdjjjgijdsyinvfyjb! Ćœggcssti.

Your advice didn't work. Snakes replaced the ceiling fan blades!

Help me Steve!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Where are my pigeons now?

I had two pigeons, bright and gay, fly from me the other day. Why was it they did go?

Yours
Simon
You only thought they were yours. Therefore it is you who are the pigeon.

Coo!

[Gerald]

^well ... after all you started the journey (thread) and no one is stupid here .... It's all fun, nothing more nothing else,:yep:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

It's finally happened, the happy juice has run out. They're coming...THEY'RE COMING!

Sincerely,
Kuytredy
The horror! The horror!

Oh, the humanity!

[Sailor Steve]

AHHHHHH! The spiders are crawling all over me! Hdßujvfdjjjgijdsyinvfyjb! Ćœggcssti.

Your advice didn't work. Snakes replaced the ceiling fan blades!

Help me Steve!
My advice worked fine! I feel much better now. One hundred dollars, please.

Ms Blankenheim, get the snakes out and replace the fan blades! Quickly!

[Oberon]

You only thought they were yours. Therefore it is you who are the pigeon.

Coo!


I see...and there is no spoon?

[Armistead]

We already knew you are irresponsible. Admitting it is the first step. Congratulations!

Thanks, I feel much better about myself....

[Sailor Steve]

I see...and there is no spoon?
This is a family show. No spooning allowed.

[Gerald]

Thanks, I feel much better about myself.... Good that you know you are vital and convenient,:)

[Armistead]

Good that you know you are vital and convenient,:)

You know, I look at the words, I stare for minutes, still nothing.....

Well, bout time to start some online poker.....

[Gerald]

Steve, Billy,me Neal,Tak Reece Jim and Red all loves ya here at SS....so we talk to Neal today about it:woot:

[Gerald]

You know, I look at the words, I stare for minutes, still nothing.....

Well, bout time to start some online poker..... Have ya ask Steve first? What opinion he has about gambling,:hmmm:

[August]

Dear Steve,

Where's the best place to be during a zombie apocalypse?

Signed,
Too old to run fast

[soopaman2]

Dear Steve.

I just let loose a monstrous rotten egg cabbage fart that chased my pets out the room.

The problem is the wife didn't leave.

What can I eat to make her leave and the pets stay?

Signed,
The family man.

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

I would like to go to France, but I couldn't go because a child had been watching me, so I went home. After a few minutes there, somebody gifted me a grubby tap. Should I accept the grubby tap?

Sincerely,
Salad Fingers

[Herr-Berbunch]

Dear Steve

I'm getting bored of my avatar, will I look good in a smart white suit later on today, or should I just abandon clothes altogether?

[troopie]

Dear Steve,

Are you qualified to advise Cybermat that Salad Fingers is not funny?

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

Are you qualified to advise Cybermat that Salad Fingers is not funny?

You're just a sticky river.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Where's the best place to be during a zombie apocalypse?

Signed,
Too old to run fast
I'll be in my cave...and you're not invited. :O:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve.

I just let loose a monstrous rotten egg cabbage fart that chased my pets out the room.

The problem is the wife didn't leave.

What can I eat to make her leave and the pets stay?

Signed,
The family man.
Eat the pets' food. They'll think your one of them, your farts will smell like theirs and she'll be so disgusted she'll leave. Or she'll also think you're one of them and scratch your ears more, which is a good thing.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I would like to go to France, but I couldn't go because a child had been watching me, so I went home. After a few minutes there, somebody gifted me a grubby tap. Should I accept the grubby tap?

Sincerely,
Salad Fingers
Why would you want to go to France anyway?

And no, you should hold out for a clean tap.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I'm getting bored of my avatar, will I look good in a smart white suit later on today, or should I just abandon clothes altogether?
What you should do is donate five bucks and get a custom avatar, ya cheap bum!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Are you qualified to advise Cybermat that Salad Fingers is not funny?
I'm not qualified to do anything.

But that's never stopped me before.

[Sailor Steve]

You're just a sticky river.
Salad fingers? Sticky river?

Are these home-grown euphemisms, or am I just too old to understand the latest slang?

What I know I am is too old to care anymore. :dead:

[Cybermat47]

Salad fingers? Sticky river?

Are these home-grown euphemisms, or am I just too old to understand the latest slang?

What I know I am is too old to care anymore. :dead:


Watch this, and it'll all make sense, Sensei Steve :sunny:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rU2D0ncBFm0

And what do you mean your too old to care? I recall that you're 60-something, which is not old. Old is 99+.

[Sailor Steve]

Watch this, and it'll all make sense, Sensei Steve :sunny:
All I get is "Webpage Cannot Be Displayed".

And what do you mean your too old to care? I recall that you're 60-something, which is not old. Old is 99+.
You take things way to literally and way to seriously, especially for a thread that's not supposed to be serious at all.

[Herr-Berbunch]

. . .especially for a thread that's not supposed to be serious at all.

:o Wait, what?

[troopie]

@ Armistead:

I'm rather unsatisfied with the following answer:


And what do you mean your too old to care? I recall that you're 60-something, which is not old. Old is 99+.


You take things way...to seriously

Sounds a tad contradictory to me. This' may be the first time, in the last few years at least, that someone has complimented Dr Steve on his age,... and he appears to've taken offence! :O:

[Cybermat47]

All I get is "Webpage Cannot Be Displayed".

You'll have to switch to manual :) Go to YouTube, and type in Salad Fingers 4: Present...and prepare to be amazed :D

[Sailor Steve]

Since you were addressing Armistead, I won't mention that I took no offence at all. Nor will I say that I wasn't commenting on the compliment itself, I was commenting on the fact that he thought I was serious about being too old to care.

It's like when I say "Some people are born stupid. I've had to work hard my whole life to get this way...and I'm proud of the job I've done." Most people laugh at that, but every now and then someone says "Don't say that! You're not stupid!"

At that point I always feel compelled to say "You do realize I was joking?"

But I didn't say that either, since you weren't talking to me.

Which means I didn't suddenly turn serious now, because I didn't say anything.

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & husband.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your brother & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve...blah...blah...blah...Have a great life!
Thank God for small favors! It took long enough for you to get the hint! What's the point of being gay when your 'partner' acts just like a flaming woman?!?!

Good riddance to the both of ya!

Peace at last. :sunny:

[Herr-Berbunch]

Dr Steve

I used to be able to type but ahrelej alkjgkajlflakjgoath[pweirou;lxf.c=q903j2f;gj

Can you fheltj?

[Sailor Steve]

Dr Steve

I used to be able to type but ahrelej alkjgkajlflakjgoath[pweirou;lxf.c=q903j2f;gj

Can you fheltj?
Yes I can, but you wouldn't like the answer. Just take two urhwp[84 and try to get plenty of eq8hg.

[Herr-Berbunch]

Yes I can, but you wouldn't like the answer. Just take two urhwp[84 and try to get plenty of eq8hg.

thpoaighjs :yeah:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

You are taking an age finding out the origin of the City of Beunos Aries :)

[Red October1984]

Dear Steve,

I've been trying to staple water to a tree without a bag for days now. I am getting hungry and cold. The water won't staple to the tree no matter how hard I try.

Sincerely,

Flabbergasted in Missouri

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

You are taking an age finding out the origin of the City of Beunos Aries :)

¡Eso es porque sigues hablando conmigo!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I've been trying to staple water to a tree without a bag for days now. I am getting hungry and cold. The water won't staple to the tree no matter how hard I try.

Sincerely,

Flabbergasted in Missouri
Well of course! Everybody knows you can't staple water to a tree! You have to use Krazy Glue!

As for being hungry and cold, you need to buy my patented edible overcoat. Now on sale for $250.53.

[Red October1984]

Well of course! Everybody knows you can't staple water to a tree! You have to use Krazy Glue!

As for being hungry and cold, you need to buy my patented edible overcoat. Now on sale for $250.53.

Thanks Pal! I am no longer Flabbergasted. But, I am broke. Do you have any other alternatives?

[Penguin]

Dear Steve,
I've got a problem.
All the animals make fun of me because I can't fly. Even the simpleton pidgeons laugh at me, not even mentioning those pesky insects. The sea lions just regard me as a victim and keep on bullying me.
Airlines don't accept fish as payment and I'm allergic to LSD, what can I do?

sincerely,
helpless in Antarctica

[Sailor Steve]

Thanks Pal! I am no longer Flabbergasted. But, I am broke. Do you have any other alternatives?
Cut down a cactus and hollow it out. You can eat the insides, drink the juice, and have a warm coat as well. An extra added bonus - your new coat has spiny-spines to protect you from prowling night-thingies!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
I've got a problem.
All the animals make fun of me because I can't fly. Even the simpleton pidgeons laugh at me, not even mentioning those pesky insects. The sea lions just regard me as a victim and keep on bullying me.
Airlines don't accept fish as payment and I'm allergic to LSD, what can I do?

sincerely,
helpless in Antarctica
You can't fly??? What a loser!
:rotfl2:

[Penguin]

Dear Steve,

my husband is awol. He has been in a bad mood, untill today. He told me he found a great adviser in the net to help him.

Some minutes ago, he logged out from his laptop, went to the edge of the ice and flipped off some Orcas. Then he stuck a "bite me" sign on his body and jumped into the water.

How long do I have to wait to claim his laptop?

Sincerely,
Frau P

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

my husband is awol. He has been in a bad mood, untill today. He told me he found a great adviser in the net to help him.

Some minutes ago, he logged out from his laptop, went to the edge of the ice and flipped off some Orcas. Then he stuck a "bite me" sign on his body and jumped into the water.

How long do I have to wait to claim his laptop?

Sincerely,
Frau P
Dear Mrs Penguin;

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. If you haven't already picked up your late husband's laptop, how are you asking me this question? His laptop is yours now by default, so use it wisely and well.

It sounds like he had some serious issues. I'm so sorry he didn't get the help he so obviously needed. That said, it's possible you could suffer some residual emotional trauma over this tragedy. I'd be more than glad to discuss any feelings you're having about this, but a computer is so impersonal. Perhaps over drinks?

Not to seem callous or anything, but could you send me a picture first?

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

What is the best remedy for piles? They are a real pain in the arse.


Puckered in Poughkeepsie.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

What is the best remedy for piles? They are a real pain in the arse.


Puckered in Poughkeepsie.
Stop dating Big Bill.

[AVGWarhawk]

Stop dating Big Bill.


Your experience is unequaled. Thanks Steve! :up:

[Sailor Steve]

Your experience is unequaled. Thanks Steve! :up:
Hey, if it works for me, it'll work for anybody!

[AVGWarhawk]

Hey, if it works for me, it'll work for anybody!

:haha:

[Jimbuna]

Stop dating Big Bill.

It's a funnel not a tunnel :smug:

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

This is Bill. Your advice sucks. :stare:

Big Bill

[Herr-Berbunch]

Dear Steve

I've a friend who is having trouble sleeping, do you have any recommendations for him?

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

This is Big Bill and your next.

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

If left handed smoke shifters are designed for right handed people why don't they offer a right handed smoke shifter for left handed people?

Thanks,
Mr. Ambidextrous

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,

I'm a heavy coffee drinker, can I mix Ectasy with my Viagra?

Regards,

Hunglow from Houston

[Gerald]

Dear Steve,

Do you have time to massage my neighbor's feet, so that they go quiet at night

Yours sincerely Dick Puxk

Orlando,Fl

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

This is Bill. Your advice sucks. :stare:

Big Bill
But I don't. Take a hike. :O:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I've a friend who is having trouble sleeping, do you have any recommendations for him?
Not a clue. If I knew what to do, I'd do that too!

Wouldn't you?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

This is Big Bill and your next.
Everybody wants to be Bill. :nope:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

If left handed smoke shifters are designed for right handed people why don't they offer a right handed smoke shifter for left handed people?

Thanks,
Mr. Ambidextrous
I don't smoke and I don't shift. I do, however, have a left-handed monkey wrench I'll sell you cheap.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I'm a heavy coffee drinker, can I mix Ectasy with my Viagra?

Regards,

Hunglow from Houston
You can do anything you like. Just do it far away from me.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Do you have time to massage my neighbor's feet, so that they go quiet at night

Yours sincerely Dick Puxk

Orlando,Fl
I don't make house calls. Tell your neighbor you'll massage his feet - for the right price.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,

Do women really have a G-spot...If so, I can't find it. I even looked with a flashlight and saw nothing that looked like a G.

Regards,

Searching in St. Louis.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,

What does a prostate exam feel like?

Signed,

Curious...

[Armistead]

Dear Steve

I've a friend who is having trouble sleeping, do you have any recommendations for him?

I could have my wife call him.....if it's OK with Dr. Steve...

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve,

What does a prostate exam feel like?

Signed,

Curious...

:o:o:o

Signed

Not Curious at all...

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Do women really have a G-spot...
Did she tell you "Gee, I can't spot it"? That could be a clue.

If so, I can't find it. I even looked with a flashlight and saw nothing that looked like a G.
It's not in the doghouse. You are. I sense a pattern here.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

What does a prostate exam feel like?

Signed,

Curious...
Ask Puckered in Poughkeepsie. He knows.

[Sailor Steve]

I could have my wife call him.....if it's OK with Dr. Steve...
Do you hate your wife? If you do that, for better or for worse you're gonna lose her.

[mapuc]

Dear Steve

My friends say that I'm not normal

Because I'm not interested in woman and beer

But only in cookies and candy

Regards
The cookie monster

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

My friends say that I'm not normal

Because I'm not interested in woman and beer

But only in cookies and candy

Regards
The cookie monster
Your "friends" are two guys who live together, a joker who thinks it's cool to live in a garbage can and a giant yellow canary who's been five years old since 1969! What do they know about normal?

Have a cookie, and pass me the milk.

[Armistead]

Do you hate your wife? If you do that, for better or for worse you're gonna lose her.

I could lose her.....:Kaleun_Cheers::Kaleun_Cheers:

Drinks on me....

[Armistead]

Did she tell you "Gee, I can't spot it"? That could be a clue.


It's not in the doghouse. You are. I sense a pattern here.


I din't look in the doghouse, I looked in a book, a can of soup....I don't a clue where she lost it at, but she says "I'll never find it....."

I'll keep looking, no telling where she dropped it.

Edit: I thought maybe it fell out of her car when she opened the door in the drive, she always losing stuff there, so I went looking...She asked me what I was doing, and I told her I was looking for her Gspot...She told me not to worry, someone already found it, so one less worry in the world.....thanks anyway.

[Gerald]

Dear Steve,

My wife has been with you before and on her testimonials I'm here, (even if it sucks) to write to you when we have bad vibrations I and my wife since she now plays bass at night, according to me and my neighbors, I want to specifically say that you stop having business as it can damage your business, my lawyer will contact you when you have not cured me from not having copulation more than three times per day, most likely you will get fined 100.00 dollars in court and for contempt of court.

Previously printers, now a monk.

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve.

The above post confuses the begeezus out of me, should I drink more beer, or sniff glue?

Befuddled

[Sailor Steve]

I'll keep looking, no telling where she dropped it.
You do that. Take all the time you need.

She told me not to worry, someone already found it...thanks anyway.
Glad I could be of service.

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve.

The above post confuses the begeezus out of me, should I drink more beer, or sniff glue?

Befuddled

Dear Steve

I guess some things will always be unexplainable.

The Philosopher

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

My wife has been with you before and on her testimonials I'm here, (even if it sucks) to write to you when we have bad vibrations I and my wife since she now plays bass at night, according to me and my neighbors, I want to specifically say that you stop having business as it can damage your business, my lawyer will contact you when you have not cured me from not having copulation more than three times per day, most likely you will get fined 100.00 dollars in court and for contempt of court.

Previously printers, now a monk.
As a Doctor, I'd say find a new lawyer. As a Lawyer, I'd say find a new doctor. As for your problems, I'd say get a dog. As for myself, I'd say $100 is cheap. As for you, I'd say get lost. :O:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve.

The above post confuses the begeezus out of me, should I drink more beer, or sniff glue?

Befuddled
Dear Fud,

I have it on good authority that getting out of bed in the morning confuses the begeezus out of you. By all means, drink the glue, sniff the bear and send me $100. I'll take the other guy's lawyer to lunch and have a good laugh on both of you.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

I guess some things will always be unexplainable.

The Philosopher
Don't guess. Either you know or you don't. If you don't, I'll explain it to you. If you do, please explain it to me. If you're confused, please go away. I have enough of that already.

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

I would like to say that you hold a very welcoming texture...a pleasure for the tips. But how can I make my dog go to school? He went to sleep 2 days ago, and hasn't woken up, and he's starting to smell! How can I make him smell better and go to school?

Sincerely,
Boris Karloff

[Gerald]

As a Doctor, I'd say find a new lawyer. As a Lawyer, I'd say find a new doctor. As for your problems, I'd say get a dog. As for myself, I'd say $100 is cheap. As for you, I'd say get lost. :O: You are called to the meeting tomorrow at eight o'clock in the reason for not able to answer right on the simple questions, Sincerely Supreme Court,:O:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I would like to say that you hold a very welcoming texture...a pleasure for the tips.
Watch it. I can get a restraining order, you know.

But how can I make my dog go to school? He went to sleep 2 days ago, and hasn't woken up, and he's starting to smell! How can I make him smell better and go to school?

Sincerely,
Boris Karloff
You're not fooling me, Frank. I told you green isn't your color, and the whole 'mechanoid' look went out with art deco.

As for the dog, I'm afraid you can't teach an old dog new tricks. First, give him a bath. Next, put an ad in the paper, and ask for at least $100 AU (that seems to be the going rate these days). When the guy comes to look at him, yell "Play Dead!" Trust me, the guy will be impressed.

Once you have the money, go buy a better dog. Better still, buy a fake dog. That will leave you enough to buy a fake girlfriend. For more information on that, call Dowly.

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

Hide the salami, what does it mean and why is it necessary?

Thanks,
Sam the Butcher

[Gerald]

You do that. Take all the time you need.


Glad I could be of service. Keep up the work Dr. Steve :haha:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Why does my chair have four legs?

Inquisitive

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve

Santa is stuck up the chimney and has started shouting. Apparently if I do not pull him out the girls and boys will have no toys. He says his beard is black and he has soot in his sack. He is also complaining of a nasal problem.

I have no heavy lifting gear and am somewhat alarmed at the reindeer disloging the roof tiles.

Can you recommend a good chimney sweep, (preferrably a singing sweep, ala Mary Poppins) and a cowboy to round up said reindeer.

Help me Steve, you're my only hope.................

(fades to insignifignance)

Concerned

[yubba]

Dear Steve,
I have had the flu, and have fallen down and got a concussion who am I and can I get a note too excuse me from testifying in front of congress. And if Uncle Joe is going to lead the task force against gun violence will they be armed.?????:doh::doh::doh::doh:

[Jimbuna]

Here we go :har:

[mapuc]

Here you have the result from Dr Steve

we are all fully normal, the rest of the world is not.

Markus

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Why does my chair have four legs?

Inquisitive
Because if it had arms it would smack you.

[Jimbuna]

Because if it had arms it would smack you.

:har::har::har:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Hide the salami, what does it mean and why is it necessary?

Thanks,
Sam the Butcher
Simple. If you leave it out the dog will steal it. I thought everybody knew that.

[Armistead]

Steve,

Sometimes I use Ben Gay at night for muscle stiffness, will this work on my peniz as well?

{And please don't ban me over the peniz, I'm not sure if we can even use the real medical term} However, I will accept another infraction without complaint..

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Santa is stuck up the chimney and has started shouting. Apparently if I do not pull him out the girls and boys will have no toys. He says his beard is black and he has soot in his sack. He is also complaining of a nasal problem.
There is no Santa. The guy in your chimney is a Rooskie spy.

I have no heavy lifting gear and am somewhat alarmed at the reindeer disloging the roof tiles.
Why would that alarm you? Get out the old hunting rifle. Instant Christmas dinner!

Can you recommend a good chimney sweep, (preferrably a singing sweep, ala Mary Poppins) and a cowboy to round up said reindeer.
Do you want a singing cowboy as well? I work cheap. Also, you need an electronic sweep, not the other kind. And you need to buy my book teaching you to speak Rooshian. 600 rubles at your nearby Skhval-Mart.

Help me Steve, you're my only hope.................
You're beyond hope. That princess, on the other hand...

[u crank]

Dear Steve,

I'm feeling much better now. The prescription you wrote me did the trick. Only one side effect, I now have an unusual fascination with lint. Also the pills seemed rather large, I could hardly swallow them.

Anyway, as you suggested, I checked out your web site www. asksteveheknows. com. and I was impressed. And I'm not easily impressed. Your list of diplomas was quite dazzling. Degrees in Murderology, Tig welding and that Honours degree from The College of Chicken Knowledge. Mmm mm good. I know I'm in safe hands.

As always, Clueless in Canada.

P.S. This Armistead guy seems a little shifty. Watch your step.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
I have had the flu, and have fallen down and got a concussion who am I and can I get a note too excuse me from testifying in front of congress. And if Uncle Joe is going to lead the task force against gun violence will they be armed.?????:doh::doh::doh::doh:
The "flu" was part of a secret conspiracy to find out what you know about the assasination of Amenhotep IV. The concussion you got when I...I mean, someone pushed you down the stairs. It's not congress who wants to talk to you, it's progress. It's not the "Uncle Joe" you think it is, it's your wife's uncle Joe, who wants back the twenty bucks you owe him. Finally, of course the task force will be armed. How else will they know what the guns they are supposed to be against look like?

[Sailor Steve]

Here we go :har:
Where are we going? If it's dinner, count me in.

[Sailor Steve]

Here you have the result from Dr Steve

we are all fully normal, the rest of the world is not.

Markus
As normal as it gets in a nuthouse. And since you made a diagnosis in my name, you have to share the proceeds of anything you make with me. The rocks they throw at you, you can keep.

[Sailor Steve]

Steve,

Sometimes I use Ben Gay at night for muscle stiffness, will this work on my peniz as well?
You are so confused. Ben Gay is to relax the muscles. Is that the effect you're looking for with your other "muscle"?

{And please don't ban me over the peniz, I'm not sure if we can even use the real medical term} However, I will accept another infraction without complaint..
Probably not a problem, since, as anybody who is anybody knows, "peniz" is the Lower Slobovian term for a white lab rat. :sunny:

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

I seem to have run out of calendars, and I can't get any more, because I'm in jail for cooking minorities without a license. How can I get out of jail to get a calendar?

Sincerely,
Qwerty

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

If you get stalked as often as I am can you give me an answer to my problem?

Annoyed!!

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I'm feeling much better now. The prescription you wrote me did the trick. Only one side effect, I now have an unusual fascination with lint. Also the pills seemed rather large, I could hardly swallow them.
Lint is good. I hear it's going for five cents a ton these days. And those weren't pills. They were pillows, for your stiff neck.

Your list of diplomas was quite dazzling. Degrees in Murderology, Tig welding and that Honours degree from The College of Chicken Knowledge. Mmm mm good. I know I'm in safe hands.

Thanks. I had to buy two truckloads of Cracker Jack to get those. I also picked up a whole passle of decoder rings, which I'm willing to sell real cheap.

As always, Clueless in Canada.
How many times do I have to tell you, leave your religion at home?

P.S. This Armistead guy seems a little shifty. Watch your step.
I'll have you know he runs the website, manages the warehouse, and handles all the money. I trust him completely. Keeping him chained to the desk doesn't hurt either.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I seem to have run out of calendars, and I can't get any more, because I'm in jail for cooking minorities without a license. How can I get out of jail to get a calendar?

Sincerely,
Qwerty
It wasn't the license part so much as the fact that you were hunting them out of season. As for the calendars, I'm having a special on the very special 'Mayan Special' special calender. This week only, cash in advance.

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Sleepless in Seattle

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

The Guards wouldn't let me get a calendar, so I broke out, and now I'm coming to you. Can I have the bed?

Sincerely,
Fug I. Tive

[Red October1984]

Dear Steve,


I have this problem lately. My nose is congested and my armpits taste like oranges. I've noticed that there are cactus needles in a place where the sun don't shine....I don't think your idea about cutting down a cactus for a coat worked. I now grow needles...

Signed,

In an extraordinary amount of pain in Kentucky

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

If you get stalked as often as I am can you give me an answer to my problem?

Annoyed!!
If I got stalked as often as you do I'd consider myself lucky. Nobody will come near me. As for the rest, there is no answer to your problem. You'll just have to live with the rash.

I knew you were a noid the minute I saw you coming. Noids are easy to spot. It's something to do with the hairy palms.

[Fubar2Niner]

There is no Santa. The guy in your chimney is a Rooskie spy.


Why would that alarm you? Get out the old hunting rifle. Instant Christmas dinner!


Do you want a singing cowboy as well? I work cheap. Also, you need an electronic sweep, not the other kind. And you need to buy my book teaching you to speak Rooshian. 600 rubles at your nearby Skhval-Mart.


You're beyond hope. That princess, on the other hand...

Dear Steve

No Santa.......... !!!!!!!

You mean I have been lied to all these years ??? Rooshians have been posing as S.Claus this is outrageous !!!!! And in my chimney !

Have you an idea of the going rate for chimney letting re: the housing of illegal rooshians. I will obviously declare any earnings to the concerned gov. dept.

Is it possible for you to forward a demo disc of your singing cowboy capabilities, I would hate to scare the neighbours and therefor would like to prewarn them, ( and also possibly charge a small admission fee, shared 50/50 of course in your favour ) to amaze themselves at your musical reindeer roundup antics.

Looking forward to hearing from you re this amazing business possibility.

PS. The princess is gay..... bummer :(

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Sleepless in Seattle
If this is Meg, I'll order room service. If it's Tom, we have a problem.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

The Guards wouldn't let me get a calendar, so I broke out, and now I'm coming to you. Can I have the bed?

Sincerely,
Fug I. Tive
Take it. Take anything you want. Just don't hurt me.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,


I have this problem lately. My nose is congested and my armpits taste like oranges. I've noticed that there are cactus needles in a place where the sun don't shine....I don't think your idea about cutting down a cactus for a coat worked. I now grow needles...

Signed,

In an extraordinary amount of pain in Kentucky
*sigh*

The needles go on the outside...

[Red October1984]

*sigh*

The needles go on the outside...

What about the armpits and my nose? :doh:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

No Santa.......... !!!!!!!

You mean I have been lied to all these years ??? Rooshians have been posing as S.Claus this is outrageous !!!!! And in my chimney !
If you want to know the whole story, you'll have to buy the book.

Have you an idea of the going rate for chimney letting re: the housing of illegal rooshians. I will obviously declare any earnings to the concerned gov. dept.
The concerned department is the Department for the Housing of Illegal Rooshians, and they are very concerned. Have you provided proper care and feeding of your Rooshians? Have they had their shots? This is all your responsibility, you know.

Is it possible for you to forward a demo disc of your singing cowboy capabilities, I would hate to scare the neighbours...
The free demo disc can be obtained at the website for a small token "access fee", $39.95 if I remember correctly.

and therefor would like to prewarn them,
Best prewarm them for 25 minutes at 350 degrees. After that two hours at 326 and 1/3 degrees, turning and basting once every 7.36 minutes.

( and also possibly charge a small admission fee, shared 50/50 of course in your favour ) to amaze themselves at your musical reindeer roundup antics.
After my initial fee, of course.

Looking forward to hearing from you re this amazing business possibility.
I'm not, but I'll live with it.

PS. The princess is gay..... bummer :(
Please, leave the puns to the professionals.

[Sailor Steve]

What about the armpits and my nose? :doh:
They go on the inside.

[Red October1984]

They go on the inside.

:huh:

Signed,

I just had an idea

[Sailor Steve]

:huh:

Signed,

I just had an idea
Fine, but do it at home, and in the dark.

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

Nice Bed.

Sincerely,

Inyou R. House.

[Red October1984]

OK. Serious question. Was this thread intended to be used this way? :hmmm:

[Fubar2Niner]

If you want to know the whole story, you'll have to buy the book.


The concerned department is the Department for the Housing of Illegal Rooshians, and they are very concerned. Have you provided proper care and feeding of your Rooshians? Have they had their shots? This is all your responsibility, you know.


The free demo disc can be obtained at the website for a small token "access fee", $39.95 if I remember correctly.


Best prewarm them for 25 minutes at 350 degrees. After that two hours at 326 and 1/3 degrees, turning and basting once every 7.36 minutes.


After my initial fee, of course.


I'm not, but I'll live with it.


Please, leave the puns to the professionals.


Dear Steve

Alas the book is no longer on sale, only a word by mouth story and very sketchy.

I have fed my rooshians many times, and have shot them, admittedly mostly when they soil the chimney

I have payed my initial sum, unfortunately it seems no matter how many times I pledge my $39.95 and hit the pay tab nothing happens. Is it possible you may have a problem your end ? My CC account is down close on £1000 I'll keep trying but something seems wrong?

Your prewarning instructions worked to a T

All my neighbours are nicely browned and crispy.

Any update on the live reindeer roundup gig?

[Jimbuna]

OK. Serious question. Was this thread intended to be used this way? :hmmm:

I somehow doubt it but it is fun :doh:

[Armistead]

OK. Serious question. Was this thread intended to be used this way? :hmmm:

Used which way....?

[u crank]

And those weren't pills. They were pillows, for your stiff neck.

Oh. Oh. That could be a problem later.

How many times do I have to tell you, leave your religion at home?

I was born clueless and clueless I will remain.

I'll have you know he runs the website, manages the warehouse, and handles all the money. I trust him completely. Keeping him chained to the desk doesn't hurt either.

This is unsettling news. I didn't realize you had an assistant. I'd watch him. Anybody can be replaced. I was once replaced by a lawn ornament.

Clueless in the Great White North.

[Armistead]

Steve,

Which news media should I trust the most? other than Subsim...

[Jimbuna]

Steve,

Which news media should I trust the most? other than Subsim...

The VBC

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Nice Bed.

Sincerely,

Inyou R. House.
You are so far off base. You're not even in the ballpark.

[Sailor Steve]

OK. Serious question. Was this thread intended to be used this way? :hmmm:
Go back and read Armistead's very first post (#1, in case you're unsure). Then read post #2. Then ask that question again.

[Sailor Steve]

Alas the book is no longer on sale, only a word by mouth story and very sketchy.
I'd send you my personal copy, but you can't afford it.

I have fed my rooshians many times, and have shot them, admittedly mostly when they soil the chimney
Then I guess it's time for that chimney sweep. Make sure he has sufficient C4.

I have payed my initial sum, unfortunately it seems no matter how many times I pledge my $39.95 and hit the pay tab nothing happens. Is it possible you may have a problem your end ? My CC account is down close on £1000 I'll keep trying but something seems wrong?
Didn't you read the fine print?

Cash only. In unmarked bills.

Your prewarning instructions worked to a T
Good!

All my neighbours are nicely browned and crispy.
And you didn't invite me? I'm hurt.

Any update on the live reindeer roundup gig?
I don't eat live food. Well-done only.

[Sailor Steve]

Steve,

Which news media should I trust the most? other than Subsim...
Ignore the Geordie behind the curtain. The only news medium you can trust is the SSBC.

And I'm an Extra Large these days.

[Armistead]

Go back and read Armistead's very first post (#1, in case you're unsure). Then read post #2. Then ask that question again.

My only fear is real people searching the internet for Dr. Steve mental health will end up here in the hands of our own Dr. Steve....anyway, I put disclaimer up somewhere regarding myself and who's to say our Dr. Steve isn't as good as any real Dr Steve....I would think a degree in O.L.D. is better than a MD anyway.......plus it's free.

Still, if any legal concerns arise, Neal will be the one that gets sued..:O:

[Red October1984]

Dear Steve,

How come when you say a word a bunch of times, I start to question its status as a word and feel like an idiot?

Grammatically Confused

[Gerald]

Red, you can not have any problems that Dr. Steve can cure,:)

[Armistead]

Red, you can not have any problems that Dr. Steve can cure,:)

Dr. Steve,

I've been trying your marital advise the last few days, I think it's working, my wife asked for a divorce today...

Thanks for the help.....

They're is one issue, she said she wanted "half"...and wants to be kept up...

How can I get rid of her and not have to give her half and keep her up?

[Red October1984]

Red, you can not have any problems that Dr. Steve can cure,:)

I understand that Dr. Steve can cure anything.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

How come when you say a word a bunch of times, I start to question its status as a word and feel like an idiot?

Grammatically Confused
Did you mean when I say the word, or when you say it yourself? Maybe you're actually contextually confused. Either way, the obvious solution to this problem is to never say a word a bunch of times.

As to the other part, there may be another reason you feel like an idiot...

[Sailor Steve]

Dr. Steve,

I've been trying your marital advise the last few days, I think it's working, my wife asked for a divorce today...

Thanks for the help.....

They're is one issue, she said she wanted "half"...and wants to be kept up...

How can I get rid of her and not have to give her half and keep her up?
Give it all to her. Problem solved. Better yet, give it all to me. :sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

I understand that Dr. Steve can cure anything.
Oh contraire, mon frere. I can cure nothing. I merely help you feel better about being sick.

Pay Armistead on your way out, please.

[nikimcbee]

Dear Steve,
I'm totally hammered right now and I lost money at the work poker party.
Now what?

Sick doggy

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve,

I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I correspond with you yesterday?

Confused

[Fubar2Niner]

Dear Steve.

My name is Nellie. I am an elephant. Two weeks ago I packed my trunk and said goodbye to the circus, hoping to trundle off to the jungle in time for christmas.

I made my way slowly to the airport to board BA flight 19. It was a very smooth flight and the in-flight movie was very entertaining, "Born Free". On arrival at Quatro de Fevereiro International Airport, just outside Luanda, I was alarmed to find my trunk was nowhere in sight :down:

This is very annoying and somewhat embarresing as my face is now a rather odd shape :o I am afraid my friends and relatives will no longer recognise me.

My question is, could you please advise the best way to start proceedings against both BA and Quatro de Fevereiro International Airport Authority. Would you also be able to advise me of a cheap but reliable and trustworthy plastic surgeon, gifted in the art of trunk transplant surgery.

Many thanks in advance.

Nellie T Elephant

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

I have a drip and it ain't the faucet.

Any help?
Burning

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
I'm totally hammered right now and I lost money at the work poker party.
Now what?

Sick doggy
Take two kibbles and go back to bed. Another solution might be to try a wee bit of the tail of the...

Oh, never mind. :dead:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I correspond with you yesterday?

Confused
No. You really are confused.

Me, I suffer from vuja de: the feeling that nothing has happened before.