Dear Steve Thread

[Sailor Steve]

If you had a time machine, and went back in time, and saw you diddling your own wife, would you still get jealous?
Not at all. I'd take pictures.

I only ask because I figured you had such cool things like time machines.
Why would you figure that? I'm a Doctor, dammit, but I'm not a Time Lord.

I mean, why else an ask Steve thread?
I don't know? Maybe to find out what Steve thinks. Or doesn't, as the case may be.

Can you bring me back a sports almamac? Tell Doc Brown I said Hi!
No. That sort of information is forbidden. Except to me.

And the only Doc Brown I know is this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16n7mgTWxqw

[soopaman2]

Ok, here goes.

Experts say humans taste like pork.

I am in the mood for a spare rib.

I am looking at my wife, and what I read in dat there bible, about Adam Giving up a rib to make Eve. I like ribs...Take the rib back?

I am not going to ask you if it is OK, I already know it is. I am just asking you if you want to attend a Bar B Q?:woot::woot::har:

Bring a lady friend, my wife will be unable to make it. Think spring break+Caligula.

[Sailor Steve]

I am not going to ask you...
Why are posting in a thread titled "Ask" just to tell me you're not going to ask anything?

:har:
Laughing at your own jokes is a pretty sure sign that they're not funny.

[Armistead]

Ok, here goes.

Experts say humans taste like pork.

I am in the mood for a spare rib.

I am looking at my wife, and what I read in dat there bible, about Adam Giving up a rib to make Eve. I like ribs...Take the rib back?

I am not going to ask you if it is OK, I already know it is. I am just asking you if you want to attend a Bar B Q?:woot::woot::har:

Bring a lady friend, my wife will be unable to make it. Think spring break+Caligula.

Well, if it were biblical times, you could always buy another wife or just take on many wives, concubines and slave women as you could afford or capture in battle.... It probably wasn't that bad back then to have as many women as you wanted, they get mouthy, just have them stoned.

[Cybermat47]

:har:Ok, here goes.

Experts say humans taste like pork.

I am in the mood for a spare rib.

I am looking at my wife, and what I read in dat there bible, about Adam Giving up a rib to make Eve. I like ribs...Take the rib back?

I am not going to ask you if it is OK, I already know it is. I am just asking you if you want to attend a Bar B Q?:woot::woot::har:

Bring a lady friend, my wife will be unable to make it. Think spring break+Caligula.

God took that rib.

He doesn't want you to have it.

You're seriously thinking about ticking off the omnipresent guy who could kill you in an instant?

Just think about it...

[Sailor Steve]

Well, if it were biblical times, you could always buy another wife or just take on many wives, concubines and slave women as you could afford or capture in battle....
"There is a scripture expressly forbidding polygamy: 'No man can serve two masters'."
-Mark Twain (paraphrased, and possibly anecdotal)

It probably wasn't that bad back then to have as many women as you wanted, they get mouthy, just have them stoned.
"Everybody must get stoned."
-Bob Dylan

[Sailor Steve]

:har:

God took that rib.

He doesn't want you to have it.

You're seriously thinking about ticking off the omnipresent guy who could kill you in an instant?

Just think about it...
Assuming there's a God

Assuming there was a rib.

Assuming you know for certain what He wants.

When was the last time you could confirm that God instantly killed anybody? Or did it slowly? Or at all?

I've thought about it. I see questions, but no answer.

[Cybermat47]

Assuming there was a rib.

I think we can say for certain that, at some stage of the Earth's history, there was at least one rib. :har:

As for the rest... I have absolutely no idea, which is why it was not a serious post.

[TarJak]

Dear Steve,

Why has this thread become all biblical all of a sudden?

Crucified for having an opinion other than my wifes

[Armistead]

Assuming there's a God

Assuming there was a rib.

Assuming you know for certain what He wants.

When was the last time you could confirm that God instantly killed anybody? Or did it slowly? Or at all?

I've thought about it. I see questions, but no answer.


When I was a teen in a fundy church there was a lady that lived across from the church who laid out in her bikini on Sunday. The pastor often mentioned it in church, then prayed God would deal with her. It wasn't long she got sick and and died a year later. Course the pastor said God dealt with her, but maybe she just got real sick...

[mapuc]

Dear steve

I have a problem I can't find a solution to

You see me and my twins are by birth grown together, We have our own head but same body(two arms and two legs)

My other half is homo, I'm not. His boyfriend is coming over this friday

Here's my problem we got only one behind.

Hope you have a solution.

Thanks in advance

Markus

[Cybermat47]

When I was a teen in a fundy church there was a lady that lived across from the church who laid out in her bikini on Sunday. The pastor often mentioned it in church, then prayed God would deal with her. It wasn't long she got sick and and died a year later. Course the pastor said God dealt with her, but maybe she just got real sick...

That's one sick pastor.

What's morally wrong with sunbathing?

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

I went outside today, and I saw an ice-cream truck. I went up to it, but the driver, Mitt Romney, started laughing at me, screaming "YOU CAN'T TOUCH MEEEE!"
How can I get my ice-cream?
Sincerely,
Hungry

[Armistead]

That's one sick pastor.

What's morally wrong with sunbathing?


Nothing, I quite enjoyed the show, seems he didn't like it.....

[Sailor Steve]

I think we can say for certain that, at some stage of the Earth's history, there was at least one rib. :har:
I like ribs. The right sauce helps too.

As for the rest... I have absolutely no idea, which is why it was not a serious post.
Sometimes it's hard to tell. Not just with you; with anybody.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Why has this thread become all biblical all of a sudden?
That is a question of Bib...great magnitude.

Crucified for having an opinion other than my wifes
That's what you get for being Spartacus.

[Sailor Steve]

Course the pastor said God dealt with her, but maybe she just got real sick...
Or maybe the pastor's wife poisoned her.

Somebody works in mysterious ways. :D

[Sailor Steve]

Dear steve

I have a problem I can't find a solution to

You see me and my twins are by birth grown together, We have our own head but same body(two arms and two legs)

My other half is homo, I'm not. His boyfriend is coming over this friday

Here's my problem we got only one behind.

Hope you have a solution.

Thanks in advance

Markus
Try to stay ahead, and leave your brother behind. If that doesn't work, close your eyes real hard and think about My Little Pony.

[Sailor Steve]

That's one sick pastor.
Maybe his wife poisoned him too.

What's morally wrong with sunbathing?
Depends on what the lady looked like. Sometimes it's easiest to blame temptation on someone else. Just look at Adam; he actually blamed God for the whole apple deal. On the other hand, maybe the pastor was grossed out and had to say so. :dead:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I went outside today, and I saw an ice-cream truck. I went up to it, but the driver, Mitt Romney, started laughing at me, screaming "YOU CAN'T TOUCH MEEEE!"
How can I get my ice-cream?
Sincerely,
Hungry
If I was Mitt Romney I'd laugh at you too.

The answer is to find an ice-cream truck driven by Barak Obama. He'll give you the ice cream for free, plus a nice house to eat it in. :sunny:

[Penguin]

Dear Steve,

my hovercraft is full of eels.
Please help me, they are everywhe..oh..no..NO...NOOOOO...AAAAARRRGGGHHH

[TarJak]

If I was Mitt Romney I'd laugh at you too.

The answer is to find an ice-cream truck driven by Barak Obama. He'll give you the ice cream for free, plus a nice house to eat it in. :sunny:

Dear Steve,

Mitt is driving the Ice Cream Truck because he needs a job. Barak has one.

Advisor to the advisor

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

If Abe Lincoln and George Washington got into a fight who’d win?

Most Curious

[Onkel Neal]

I think we already know that. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZ9G9aRkHWo)

PS: I would totally buy that album.

[STEED]

Dear Steve

Is being a Middle aged fart boring?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

my hovercraft is full of eels.
Please help me, they are everywhe..oh..no..NO...NOOOOO...AAAAARRRGGGHHH
Please all attend Penguin's funeral next Saturday.

Lunch will be served. Eel soup is on the menu.

Free shuttle service by hovercraft.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

If Abe Lincoln and George Washington got into a fight who’d win?

Most Curious
Don't be silly. George and Abe would never get into a fight. They'd have their armies do it for them.

I think we already know that.
Oh, poor Neal. Don't you know those things are always fake? Good special effects though. My kudos to John Dykstra.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Mitt is driving the Ice Cream Truck because he needs a job. Barak has one.

Advisor to the advisor
I see you don't know anything about politics. Mitt doesn't need a job becuase he has more money than Denny Crane. He's driving the ice cream truck because he's trying to get the next generation's vote before they come of age. What he doesn't know is that Barak is driving one because he's planning to lower the voting age to 12.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Is being a Middle aged fart boring?
I have no idea. You tell me.

[Armistead]

Dear Dr. Steve,

My front porch and sidewalk is covered with ice. This morning looking out the window my wife was bringing in bags of crap, slipped and landed right on her tush, causing me to laugh...I was unable to stop laughing, so she came in and got mad, but I still laugh when I look at her...

How do I stop laughing?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Dr. Steve,

My front porch and sidewalk is covered with ice. This morning looking out the window my wife was bringing in bags of crap, slipped and landed right on her tush, causing me to laugh...I was unable to stop laughing, so she came in and got mad, but I still laugh when I look at her...

How do I stop laughing?
Give it time. She'll find ways to make you cry soon enough.

Oh, and if you know what's good for you, you'll shovel that walk now, if not sooner. And take out the garbage. And fix that broken cabinet door. And beg for mercy.

[Jimbuna]

I think we already know that. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZ9G9aRkHWo)



LOL...never seen that before :)

[Armistead]

Give it time. She'll find ways to make you cry soon enough.

Oh, and if you know what's good for you, you'll shovel that walk now, if not sooner. And take out the garbage. And fix that broken cabinet door. And beg for mercy.

Me shovel.....hahahaha, I did throw a lil salt on the steps, hopefully that will please her.

I shouldn't have laughed. I couldn't find my large coffee cup, but I found some fancy insulated plastic cup with a lid and straw attached, so I used it. Her reply was "you're ruining my cup" and got mad I threw the lid away.
Seriously, this cups been in the cabinet for years with no use, I decide to use it, it somehow becomes a much needed item....

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Confused

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Confused
More important than you, that's for sure. :O:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Can you cry under water?

Wondering

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Can you cry under water?

Wondering
No. It's a little-know scientific fact that you can't cry while holding your breath.

I guess Aquaman and Prince Namor could, but real men don't cry, so not really. I would mention Queen Mera, but she's a real man too.

[BossMark]

Dear Steve
While on about crying, why are tears salty?

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Concerned

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve
While on about crying, why are tears salty?
They're not. Your taste buds are broken.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Concerned
You're not concerned. You're even more confused than the last time you asked that. And you're not getting any more important, so I guess it'll just be murder.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Concerned


Politicians are assassinated, unelected people are murdered. They can't use a cheap word like murder for those elite special people.

[Navuhodonosor]

Politicians are assassinated, unelected people are murdered. They can't use a cheap word like murder for those elite special people.

Oh, that means that we, the ordinary people have not right to be assassinated, and they call this democracy! I DEMAND that we get assassinated too :arrgh!:

[u crank]

Oh, that means that we, the ordinary people have not right to be assassinated, and they call this democracy! I DEMAND that we get assassinated too :arrgh!:

Line forms on the right. :O:

Hi Steve, how ya been?

Clueless but still at large.

[Sailor Steve]

Line forms on the right. :O:
:rotfl2:

Hi Steve, how ya been?
Fine, until just now. :O:

Clueless but still at large.
Line forms on the right. :sunny:

[u crank]

Line forms on the right. :sunny:

http://www.myemoticons.com/images/emotions/awad/bow-down-together.gif

[Navuhodonosor]

Line forms on the right. :O:



Waiting in line to see if it works:/\\chop:D

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Deeply Suspicious

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Deeply Suspicious
Simple. When I want your opinion it's only worth a penny. When you want to give me your opinion you have to pay me, and my time is worth more than your opinion, so the price doubles.

That will be fifty pounds, please.

[Sailor Steve]

Waiting in line to see if it works:/\\chop:D
Just stay there and you'll find out soon enough.

[Navuhodonosor]

http://imageshack.us/a/img526/2559/illh.gif
Hmmm

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Dead Curious

[STEED]

Dear Steve, congratulations on becoming the head of the Maffia now what do you charge for a hit?

[Armistead]

Dear Steve

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Dead Curious

I don't know, but there is a verse that states marriage won't exist in heaven........thank God. My hope is we're all single, running around naked.

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,

I don't like you, do you even care?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Dead Curious
Yes, and you also get stuck with your first wife/husband, the one you came to hate so much. You're also stuck with repeating all the stupid things you said during life.

Oh, wait. You said "Heaven". I thought you were talking about where you're going.

Dead Serious

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve, congratulations on becoming the head of the Maffia now what do you charge for a hit?
Sorry, I'm only the head of the drug cartel. The first hit's free.

[Sailor Steve]

My hope is we're all single, running around naked.
We will be, but we won't have any "parts", so it won't matter.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I don't like you, do you even care?
No, because you don't like anybody.

I, on the other hand, don't like me either, and that bothers me a lot. :dead:

[STEED]

Sorry, I'm only the head of the drug cartel. The first hit's free.

Well send me a big bag of pain killers. :har:

BTW: You been dealing with HSBC?

[Sailor Steve]

Well send me a big bag of pain killers. :har:
You had your first hit years ago. This one's gonna cost ya.

BTW: You been dealing with HSBC?
Are you kidding? I own those amateurs!

[Jimbuna]

Yes, and you also get stuck with your first wife/husband, the one you came to hate so much. You're also stuck with repeating all the stupid things you said during life.

Oh, wait. You said "Heaven". I thought you were talking about where you're going.

Dead Serious

Now that's what I feared :doh:

[Onkel Neal]

Dear Steve,

Why do so many people insist on spelling "Stevens" with a ph, as in "Stephens"? :/\\!! Don't these phonetically challenged boobs understand that ph makes the "f" sound? If they need aspirin, do they go to the Varmacy?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Why do so many people insist on spelling "Stevens" with a ph, as in "Stephens"? :/\\!!
Are they the same people who insist on spelling "Neal" with an 'i', as in "Neil"? That should explain it right there.

Don't these phonetically challenged boobs understand that ph makes the "f" sound? If they need aspirin, do they go to the Varmacy?
That's a phery good point! On the other hand you mentioned boobs. It's hard to come up with a good answer when you're distracted.

I know! Let's ask Stephen Stills!

[frau kaleun]

I know! Let's ask Stephen Stills!

I did. He said you should just lophe the one you're with.

[Sailor Steve]

I did. He said you should just lophe the one you're with.
Suite! For what it's worth, I've been helplessly hoping you'd sit yourself down here.

[frau kaleun]

Suite! For what it's worth, I've been helplessly hoping you'd sit yourself down here.

Carry on, then.

[Sailor Steve]

Carry on, then.
In my dreams.

[Wolferz]

How come mice don't have bigger balls?

M. Mouse

[Sailor Steve]

How come mice don't have bigger balls?

M. Mouse
Because their bearings are small too.

For futher information, ask The Brain.

[Jimbuna]

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

[Sailor Steve]

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Because a square pizza won't fit in a round box.

Your head is round, but you're still a square.

Real pizzas come fresh from the oven.

[Wolferz]

Because their bearings are small too.

For futher information, ask The Brain.
That's a relief. Goofy told me it's because not that many of us know how to dance. But, he's Goofy.
Much Appreciated.
M Mouse

[Onkel Neal]

I did. He said you should just lophe the one you're with.

If this was Reddit, I would vote this up :/\\k:

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

Where's that apocalypse gone!? I'M STILL WAITING :stare:

Sincerely,
Inab Unker

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Where's that apocalypse gone!? I'M STILL WAITING :stare:

Sincerely,
Inab Unker
The apocalypse came and went. You slept through it.

[kiwi_2005]

This is a funny thread :rotfl2: Just what i need :up:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Curious

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,


Why does the Easter Bunny carry eggs, rabbits don't lay eggs?


Signed,

Mad Chicken

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Curious
It was hoof-in-mouth, but since they cut off the shanks I'm feeling much better now. I wish I still had my butt, though.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,


Why does the Easter Bunny carry eggs, rabbits don't lay eggs?


Signed,

Mad Chicken
They steal them from the henhouse, of course! It's part of a Lagomorphic plot to take control of the salmonella market. I won't split hares here, however (I love alliteration), you Gallus-types aren't completely innocent. You're always hatching new plots, when the truth is you wouldn't cross the road to save your own chicks. Buffalo wings, indeed!

[Wolferz]

Why does my avatar pic have a star above it?
Who put it there?
Am I being watched?
Did I sleep through the whole day and now it's night?

Para Noid

[Armistead]

They steal them from the henhouse, of course! It's part of a Lagomorphic plot to take control of the salmonella market. I won't split hares here, however (I love alliteration), you Gallus-types aren't completely innocent. You're always hatching new plots, when the truth is you wouldn't cross the road to save your own chicks. Buffalo wings, indeed!

Can you translate that to simple southern english?

[Sailor Steve]

Why does my avatar pic have a star above it?
Because you were good in kindergarten today.

Who put it there?
Sorry, that information is need-to-know only, and apparently I don't need to know either.

Am I being watched?
I hope not. This isn't a reality show.

Did I sleep through the whole day and now it's night?
Depends on where you live.

Para Noid
You should be. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth as a plot just to get you.

[Sailor Steve]

Can you translate that to simple southern english?
Buk. Buk. Buk. B-GAWK!

[Armistead]

Buk. Buk. Buk. B-GAWK!

Oh, why didn't you say that in the first place...

[She-Wolf]

Dear Dr Steve, If I put me foot down with a firm hand, and am not backward in coming forward, did I really oughta pay the fine for breaking the speed limit in reverse - which I was only doing so that I wouldn't meet meself coming back?
Yours, Mrs Woodentop

ps our pet woodpecker has lately taken to pecking me on the head and poking twigs in me ear. Should I be worried?

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Dr Steve, If I put me foot down with a firm hand, and am not backward in coming forward, did I really oughta pay the fine for breaking the speed limit in reverse - which I was only doing so that I wouldn't meet meself coming back?
Yours, Mrs Woodentop
I've been told to keep my shoulder to the wheel, my nose to the grindstone and both feet planted firmly on the ground, but I soon found I couldn't get any work done in that position.

Maybe we should ask Kenny Rogers.

ps our pet woodpecker has lately taken to pecking me on the head and poking twigs in me ear. Should I be worried?
Probably. Unfortunately I'm reliably informed that I have rocks for brains, so I may not be much help with the wooden bits.

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

W Ondering

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

W Ondering
What are you talking about? The very first thing we did was put wheels on luggage.

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a325/SailorSteve/Cart2_zpsb1ccf3a5.jpg

[Onkel Neal]

Dear Steve,
What if the Hokey Pokey REALLY is what it's all about? :timeout:

[Red October1984]

Dear Steve,

If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?

How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?

And last but not least....

Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?


These are some of the many unanswered questions I have...

Please help me,

P. U. Zzled in Misery (*Missouri :O: )

[Armistead]

Dear Steve,

One day, a person went to horse racing area, Instead of counting the number of human and horses, he instead counted 74 heads and 196 legs. Yet he knew the number of humans and horses there. How did he do it, and how many humans and horses are there?

Signed,

Are you smarter than a fifth grader

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

IN Trigued

[Wolferz]

Since you couldn't answer my last question...
Can I get a refund?


I M Poor

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,
What if the Hokey Pokey REALLY is what it's all about? :timeout:
Only Londo Mollari knows the answer to that.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?
The ex-king's spouse.

How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
I recommend you ask him. As soon as possible.

If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
It's not?

Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
I'll ask my therapist next time I see her, which is usually right after she sees her therapist.

These are some of the many unanswered questions I have...
And you look them up where?

Please help me
You're beyond help.

But we love you anyway.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

One day, a person went to horse racing area, Instead of counting the number of human and horses, he instead counted 74 heads and 196 legs. Yet he knew the number of humans and horses there. How did he do it, and how many humans and horses are there?

Signed,

Are you smarter than a fifth grader
Anybody who has ever read any thread about manual targeting knows I freely admit that I suck at math. I suggest you ask Marilyn vos Savant.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

IN Trigued
Yes. The Court Reporter's alternate title is Hearing Aide. One of the qualifications for the job is being able to yell REAL LOUD!

[Sailor Steve]

Since you couldn't answer my last question...
Can I get a refund?


I M Poor
Of course! I'll gladly give back every penny you paid. Just see my Office Boy...I mean Chief-Of-Staff, Armistead. I'm sure he'll be glad to give you the 5 different forms to be filled out in triplicate and the 23 documents to read and sign. And of course you'll then find that in the end it was all for nothing.

[Armistead]

Since you couldn't answer my last question...
Can I get a refund?


I M Poor

Here is our refund policy.

Refund policy of Dr. Steve O.L.D

1. All advise/non-advice is final.
2. No Refunds.
3. If you're unhappy with our services, refer to statement 2.
4. Please tip our office staff

[u crank]

4. Please tip our office staff

I tried to tip the office staff once. Threw me out 'cause I gave him a Canadian nickel.

:hmph:

[Wolferz]

I tried to tip the office staff once. Threw me out 'cause I gave him a Canadian nickel.

:hmph:

I gave your lackey a tip too..Save Your money.

He threw his name placard at me and it broke.
How will he know who he is now?


Imin Hospital
PS: My attorney Sue Yu will be in touch.

[Armistead]

Beep Beep...

Dr Steve, they're two pharma reps here in the lobby upset about your payment bouncing. I'm sending them back and going to lunch.

http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f169/imelchor06/Pulp_Fiction.jpg

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

W Ondering

[Sailor Steve]

Beep Beep...

Dr Steve, they're two pharma reps here in the lobby upset about your payment bouncing. I'm sending them back and going to lunch.

http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f169/imelchor06/Pulp_Fiction.jpg
Dear Armistead;

They got here just after I slipped out the window. They now think you lied to them. I was helpful and left them your home address.

From Russia, with love.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

W Ondering
Because the TV screen isn't big enough to fit inside, but the movie screen is.

[Armistead]

Dear Armistead;

They got here just after I slipped out the window. They now think you lied to them. I was helpful and left them your home address.

From Russia, with love.

I'll call Bruce Willis...

[Wolferz]

May I apply for the new opening in your office.

Armistead did get Bruce Willis but he's an actor and the pharma reps invoked the Die Hardest protocol.
RIP Armistead:wah:
Unfortunately...you won't be missed.

[Sailor Steve]

Sorry, but Armistead is a comedian. This isn't the first time he's died. He'll be here at the usual time tomorrow.

[Wolferz]

Sorry, but Armistead is a comedian. This isn't the first time he's died. He'll be here at the usual time tomorrow.
Oh, the humanity. Why Steve, why?

[Armistead]

Sorry, but Armistead is a comedian. This isn't the first time he's died. He'll be here at the usual time tomorrow.

If you're not happy with the job I do, feel free to replace yourself.

[Sailor Steve]

Oh, the humanity. Why Steve, why?
Because he has a contract.

[Sailor Steve]

If you're not happy with the job I do, feel free to replace yourself.
When did I say that? Don't I give you all the peanuts you can eat?

[Wolferz]

When did I say that? Don't I give you all the peanuts you can eat?

Isn't this the Dear Steve and not the Dear Armistead thread ?

Labor problems are the worst...:nope:

[Armistead]

Isn't this the Dear Steve and not the Dear Armistead thread ?

Labor problems are the worst...:nope:

Have you seen one person write a Dear Armistead letter? I don't give advice here, I just take appts. and hand out crayons.

We don't deliver babies here, just deal with a bunch of them.

[Wolferz]

Have you seen one person write a Dear Armistead letter? I don't give advice here, I just take appts. and hand out crayons.

We don't deliver babies here, just deal with a bunch of them.

:wah:waah

Somebody call the waahmbulance:wah:


My crayon broke.:wah: Waaah

[Armistead]

:wah:waah

Somebody call the waahmbulance:wah:


My crayon broke.:wah: Waaah

Sounds like I need to get you in with Dr. Steve ASAP....I'll add the broken crayon to your bill.

[Sailor Steve]

:wah:waah

Somebody call the waahmbulance:wah:


My crayon broke.:wah: Waaah
Take two jellybabies and call me...well, never, if you can manage.

$100.73 please.

[Jimbuna]

:wah:waah

Somebody call the waahmbulance:wah:


My crayon broke.:wah: Waaah

http://www.abfnet.com/forum/images/smilies/waaaaaaa.jpg

[Sailor Steve]

I see Jim has a new job.

Maybe he can pay his bill now. :stare:

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

Why do people call older people crusty?


Mr. Depends

[Armistead]

Take two jellybabies and call me...well, never, if you can manage.

$100.73 please.

You forgot to add the broken crayon..

$110.73

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

C Onfused

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Why do people call older people crusty?
Because we reach a point where "lusty" doesn't really work anymore.

Mr. Depends
Not quite yet, thanks.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

C Onfused
Because they want to look down on everybody and feel superior, but then find out that they can't see all the sad little people hating that they're not superior too.

The binoculars are not as good as they could be, so the people using them can't tell that all the people down below are ignoring them and couldn't care less. :sunny:

[Red October1984]

Steve, will you answer a math problem for me?

If 1/2x +1/2(1/2x + 1/2(1/2x +1/2(1/2x + ... = y,
then x = ?

I need help!

Dum E Bradshaw

[Sailor Steve]

Steve, will you answer a math problem for me?

If 1/2x +1/2(1/2x + 1/2(1/2x +1/2(1/2x + ... = y,
then x = ?
Not enough to pay for lunch.

I need help!
You're beyond help!
I know, I've said that before, but only when it's true!

Dum E Bradshaw
Smart E Bradfield
You think I'm joking? Look it up!

[Armistead]

:wah:waah

Somebody call the waahmbulance:wah:


My crayon broke.:wah: Waaah

Wolferz, don't forget our self help clinics Steve holds once a month, I think it could be of help.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Message from the office of Dr. Steve O.L.D of Subsim Behavioral Clinic.

666 Waterdowned Dr., Laughin NU. 32033.

Our Self-Help Center will be open for you the last weekend of each month year long. This year we're offering Electro Shock Therapy. This one time treatment cures

Depression, uncontrolled crying, financial issues, broken heart, cancer, vertigo, insomnia, constipation, genital warts, back pain, colds, flu...and over 1000 other ailments..

http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e303/jfsowards/electric-chair.jpg


So why we're out, you're in, take a seat, secure straps, insert credit card, relax....

Treatments now available at a discounted rate for Subsim members
Guaranteed to work or your money back.

[Armistead]

Dr Steve,

I've had it with people making fun of me, what do I do?

Signed,

Jerry Lewish.

[Sailor Steve]

Dr Steve,

I've had it with people making fun of me, what do I do?

Signed,

Jerry Lewish.
Dear Mr. Levitch (you see, I know everything);

I'm not sure that anything can be done, once you've gone down that road. You could become a recluse, and never show your face here again, but then w...they'd just laugh behind your back. At least that way you wouldn't have to hear it, and could pretend it wasn't happening.

Or you could just die, and not have to worry about it. If you choose that route, say hello to Mr. Crocetti for me. :sunny:

[Armistead]

Dear Mr. Levitch (you see, I know everything);

I'm not sure that anything can be done, once you've gone down that road. You could become a recluse, and never show your face here again, but then w...they'd just laugh behind your back. At least that way you wouldn't have to hear it, and could pretend it wasn't happening.

Or you could just die, and not have to worry about it. If you choose that route, say hello to Mr. Crocetti for me. :sunny:

So basically you're saying I did it to myself and now chit out of luck, correct?

What about change, I can change. Do you think the members here are mature enough to give me a chance?

Anyway, I'm gonna go away for a few months, you can give my job to someone else.

[Wolferz]

A Quitter!:D

[Armistead]

A Quitter!:D

Other than being born, my only mistake was trying to bring a little humor into peoples lives.

[Sailor Steve]

So basically you're saying I did it to myself and now chit out of luck, correct?
I was addressing Mr. Lewish. If you're him why didn't you say so in the first place?

What about change, I can change. Do you think the members here are mature enough to give me a chance?
The members here aren't mature enough to eat ice cream without making bad cow jokes.

Anyway, I'm gonna go away for a few months, you can give my job to someone else.
Why would I do that? You started this monkey business, and without you I'll...I'll...I guess I'll take the opportunity to go on vacation myself.

Halleluiah!

[Sailor Steve]

Other than being born, my only mistake was trying to bring a little humor into peoples lives.
I don't see that as a mistake. You've succeeded.

Unless this is Mr. Lewish writing, in which case GET LOST! :O:

[Armistead]

Steve,

I think only you truly understand me, having the ability to see greatness, when others cannot. I shant leave you now. Whatever lurks ahead of grievous abominations and disorder, you and me walk into together, like always.

[donna52522]

Dear Dr. Steve,

I have a...well lets say a cat I referred to as Fluffy. However I recently shaved it, leaving only a small lightning bolt.

Any suggestions as to what I should call it now?

Signed,
Cold just south of Canada.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Dr. Steve,

I have a...well lets say a cat I referred to as Fluffy. However I recently shaved it, leaving only a small lightning bolt.

Any suggestions as to what I should call it now?

Signed,
Cold just south of Canada.
Call it whatever you like, but keep it away from all the dogs. Just in case, though, I have my own adopt-a-pet program, and will be glad to help any way I can.

[donna52522]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Shall I fed-ex said cat to you?

http://i1084.photobucket.com/albums/j408/donna577/cat_zps52159ed0.png

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Dr. Steve,

Shall I fed-ex said cat to you?
NO! Absolutely not! Fed-Ex is famous for losing animals, and they end up living in the sewers under the bus stations. I recommend APP (Armistead Parcel Post). They have a reputation for safety and efficiency, and the only pets they lose always seem to end up in their employees homes, which is alright with me. I look forward to meeting my new friend, and to making sure that he/she/it never has to suffer such humiliation again. :sunny:

[Wolferz]

To what do you attribute your humanitarian flair and your kindness toward the mentally ill? Hypocritic oath?:sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

To what do you attribute your humanitarian flair and your kindness toward the mentally ill? Hypocritic oath?:sunny:
I have a lot of experience in being both human and menta...never mind.

And don't call me a hypocrite. I'm absolutely consistent in my inconsistency. :smug:

[Jimbuna]

I have a lot of experience in being both human and menta...never mind.

And don't call me a hypocrite. I'm absolutely consistent in my inconsistency. :smug:

LOL :)

[fireftr18]

I have a lot of experience in being both human and menta...never mind.

And don't call me a hypocrite. I'm absolutely consistent in my inconsistency. :smug:

Are you saying indecision may or may not be the problem?:doh:

[Armistead]

To what do you attribute your humanitarian flair and your kindness toward the mentally ill? Hypocritic oath?:sunny:

Donna has come a long way under the care of Dr. Steve, please don't refer to our patients as mentally ill.

I have no problem with her shaving her cat, my dog don't like fur getting stuck in his throat.

[Armistead]

Call it whatever you like, but keep it away from all the dogs. Just in case, though, I have my own adopt-a-pet program, and will be glad to help any way I can.

glad to help any way WE can. {We Steve, not always I.} I hate how you pretend I'm not here.

Can I hire Donna as office help, be nice to have someone get my coffee for a change?

[Sailor Steve]

Are you saying indecision may or may not be the problem?:doh:
I may be saying that, and I may not. Insecurity is something worth holding onto.

[Sailor Steve]

I have no problem with her shaving her cat, my dog don't like fur getting stuck in his throat.
Doesn't! How many times do I have to tell you it's "doesn't"? Sheesh! No peanuts for you!

[Sailor Steve]

glad to help any way WE can. {We Steve, not always I.} I hate how you pretend I'm not here.
Get yer own show, then! You call yourself the hired help, but you refuse to help, then you complain that I ignore you?

Can I hire Donna as office help, be nice to have someone get my coffee for a change?
Only if she can type.

And will work for peanuts.

[Armistead]

Doesn't! How many times do I have to tell you it's "doesn't"? Sheesh! No peanuts for you!

Not where I live.......:O:

[u crank]

Dear Steve,

How come every time I come into your office, your 'assistant' says he's the wallet inspector?

Clueless and broke.

[Sailor Steve]

Not where I live.......:O:
I had a friend who complained about WW2 movies where the American captives are taunted by their Japanese captors. "I lived in America for awhile. I attended your University of Southern California. I know how you think." My friend said that they wouldn't have been so confident if they had visited certain states where people keep their relatives chained up in the basement.

Yeah, I know where you live. Not a pretty sight. :rotfl2:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

How come every time I come into your office, your 'assistant' says he's the wallet inspector?

Clueless and broke.
He's an independent contractor. That's how he gets paid. He can't live on peanuts, you know.

Oh, and he does that to me, too.

[Armistead]

I had a friend who complained about WW2 movies where the American captives are taunted by their Japanese captors. "I lived in America for awhile. I attended your University of Southern California. I know how you think." My friend said that they wouldn't have been so confident if they had visited certain states where people keep their relatives chained up in the basement.

Yeah, I know where you live. Not a pretty sight. :rotfl2:

Well, I'm surrounded by hills, rivers and bears, takes me an hour to walk to my mailbox. I'm surrounded by beauty, wife, land and mostly my dog....

[Armistead]

He's an independent contractor. That's how he gets paid. He can't live on peanuts, you know.

Oh, and he does that to me, too.

I've never removed your wallet to take money. I do recall removing it out of your pocket when I was giving you a massage during lunch. Don't forget it's my turn Monday....

[Red October1984]

I've never removed your wallet to take money. I do recall removing it out of your pocket when I was giving you a massage during lunch. Don't forget it's my turn Monday....

YOU CAN'T FORGET ME!!!! I had a coupon...

[Wolferz]

YOU CAN'T FORGET ME!!!! I had a coupon...

You'll get much better service and a happy ending over at Madame Wu's House of Squeeze and acupuncture parlor. No coupons needed.:timeout:

[Red October1984]

You'll get much better service and a happy ending over at Madame Wu's House of Squeeze and acupuncture parlor. No coupons needed.:timeout:

Okay. Out of all seriousness I think I actually do need a massage. My back hurts from working out.

A massage would be heavenly right now...

[Armistead]

Okay. Out of all seriousness I think I actually do need a massage. My back hurts from working out.

A massage would be heavenly right now...

I can pop your back 50 different ways, followed by a hot rock oil massage. Nothing wrong with a lil professional rub down.

[Armistead]

You'll get much better service and a happy ending over at Madame Wu's House of Squeeze and acupuncture parlor. No coupons needed.:timeout:

The sort you must hang out with to have such a mind.

[Red October1984]

I can pop your back 50 different ways, followed by a hot rock oil massage. Nothing wrong with a lil professional rub down.

As long as it stays professional and doesn't escalate, I'd be fine with that...

But somewhere in my subconscious several red flags went up...

If I actually knew you and trusted you, the situation might be different. :D

[Armistead]

As long as it stays professional and doesn't escalate, I'd be fine with that...

But somewhere in my subconscious several red flags went up...

If I actually knew you and trusted you, the situation might be different. :D

You can trust me..I could teach you Shin Tu Wa, basically 20 movements and positions to pop your own back.

I see a great massage professional, none of that Madaam Wu crap. She works for a Neuro Clinic, but does side work at home, so I go there, cheaper and longer. I do her after she does me, she taught me how.

You don't hear any complaints from Dr. Steve....

[Red October1984]

You can trust me..I could teach you Shin Tu Wa, basically 20 movements and positions to pop your own back.

I see a great massage professional, none of that Madaam Wu crap. She works for a Neuro Clinic, but does side work at home, so I go there, cheaper and longer. I do her after she does me, she taught me how.

You don't here any complaints from Dr. Steve....

:timeout:

Uh....

:timeout:

Uh...

:o

LET'S NOT AND SAY WE DID OKA-

HOWS ABOUT WE DON'T AND SAY WE DIDN'T!

[Sailor Steve]

You'll get much better service and a happy ending over at Madame Wu's House of Squeeze and acupuncture parlor. No coupons needed.:timeout:
Next time I see her I'll make sure she sends you a referal fee. :sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

I can pop your back 50 different ways, followed by a hot rock oil massage. Nothing wrong with a lil professional rub down.
HEY! On your own time! Back to work! :stare:

[Sailor Steve]

As long as it stays professional and doesn't escalate, I'd be fine with that...

But somewhere in my subconscious several red flags went up...

If I actually knew you and trusted you, the situation might be different. :D
Hey, man, you can trust your old Uncle Armistead. Not one of those charges stuck. Besides, he's a changed man now. Just ask his wife.

Or his dog.

[Sailor Steve]

You don't hear any complaints from Dr. Steve....
That's because I have no idea what you're talking about...:88)

[Sailor Steve]

:timeout:
In all seriousness, I'll let you in on a little secret. I was never anywhere near professional-level massage therapy, but it's pretty easy to pick up a few techniques here and there.

The secret? Chicks really dig that sort of thing. :sunny:

[Red October1984]

In all seriousness, I'll let you in on a little secret. I was never anywhere near professional-level massage therapy, but it's pretty easy to pick up a few techniques here and there.

The secret? Chicks really dig that sort of thing. :sunny:

Ah...is this the Relationship Advice that you never gave me?

:D I said in the other thread that I need a good laugh.

Got any more relationship advice Doctor Steve?

[Sailor Steve]

Ah...is this the Relationship Advice that you never gave me?
No, this was spontaneous, and based on the last posts.

:D I said in the other thread that I need a good laugh.
And I told you to ask questions here. I'm not going to do that in someone else's thread.

Got any more relationship advice Doctor Steve?
No. I don't give advice. I only answer questions.

But I could tell stories that would make you feel like you don't know what suffering is. On the other hand, that's not funny, so I won't here.

[Armistead]

That's because I have no idea what you're talking about...:88)

mums the word...

[Armistead]

Ah...is this the Relationship Advice that you never gave me?

:D I said in the other thread that I need a good laugh.

Got any more relationship advice Doctor Steve?

I'll step in, hopefully Steve won't care, as I have much experience with women, thus I basically hate them as much as Steve.

First, they're really is no such thing as love, relationships are primal urges of selfishness. It's most important that you think logically. If you're the type that falls in love at first site, it just shows you are very needy.

Most women want to control or be controlled, so be very careful. Woman pretend to want love, but they have a biological need to be controlled. If you become a panzy, they'll run all over you. Be nice, loving, but when they start treating you like crap, you got to let them know they can be replaced. It really is true, woman want what they can't have...

Make sure the girl you date or love had a great relationship with her father, if not......run. If she is on Prozac......run.

My best advice, stay single and have fun. If you must marry, marry a ugly girl with money, it may be tough when you're young, but it'll pay off in the future when you're old. Most importantly, marry below yourself, never above.

Steve and I are both members of the "He-Man Woman Haters Club", you're welcome to join at our office, just take the oath.

"I, (state name here), a member of good standing of the He-Man Woman-Haters Club, do solemnly swear to be a he-man and hate women and not play with them or touch them unless I have to and especially never fall in love and, if I do, may I die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours or until I scream bloody murder."

[Sailor Steve]

That's...interesting.

[Red October1984]

I'll step in, hopefully Steve won't care, as I have much experience with women, thus I basically hate them as much as Steve.

First, they're really is no such thing as love, relationships are primal urges of selfishness. It's most important that you think logically. If you're the type that falls in love at first site, it just shows you are very needy.

Most women want to control or be controlled, so be very careful. Woman pretend to want love, but they have a biological need to be controlled. If you become a panzy, they'll run all over you. Be nice, loving, but when they start treating you like crap, you got to let them know they can be replaced. It really is true, woman want what they can't have...

Make sure the girl you date or love had a great relationship with her father, if not......run. If she is on Prozac......run.

My best advice, stay single and have fun. If you must marry, marry a ugly girl with money, it may be tough when you're young, but it'll pay off in the future when you're old. Most importantly, marry below yourself, never above.

Steve and I are both members of the "He-Man Woman Haters Club", you're welcome to join at our office, just take the oath.

"I, (state name here), a member of good standing of the He-Man Woman-Haters Club, do solemnly swear to be a he-man and hate women and not play with them or touch them unless I have to and especially never fall in love and, if I do, may I die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours or until I scream bloody murder."

That was intense. Are you sure you aren't a doctor? Doctor Armistead and Doctor Steve could go into a partnership with unlimited power.

It would be awesome. You two should consider it...

Lastly, I hope you weren't serious Armistead...Some of that was scary... :timeout:

[Armistead]

That was intense. Are you sure you aren't a doctor? Doctor Armistead and Doctor Steve could go into a partnership with unlimited power.

It would be awesome. You two should consider it...

Lastly, I hope you weren't serious Armistead...Some of that was scary... :timeout:

How can two people in a partnership have unlimited power? Anyway, I'm a born follower

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you will wish you had a club and a spade."

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

Blarg.

Hopefully,
D. Eadina Hole

[Wolferz]

The sort you must hang out with to have such a mind.

Yes, the enlightened tend to rub off on you.
I'll send you some blackeyed children. They'll fix you right up.:up:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Just Curious

[Armistead]

Dr Steve,

I keep an old just in case car. I decided to take it to the store this morning, but it wouldn't crank. It sounded something like this...

Rrrr Rrrr Rrrrrrrr clic clic Rrr Rrrr Rrrrrrrrrrrrr clic, paaa Boom.

What's wrong with it?

1992 Honda Civic..

Thanks,
Chevy

[Sailor Steve]

How can two people in a partnership have unlimited power?
Besides, I already have unlimited power.

Within my limited sphere, anyway.

And just so we're clear, I don't hate anybody, especially women.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Blarg.

Hopefully,
D. Eadina Hole
Take two Onomatopoiea and call me in the morning.

[Sailor Steve]

Yes, the enlightened tend to rub off on you.
I'll send you some blackeyed children. They'll fix you right up.:up:
HEY! Getcher own doctor show! This one's taken! :O:

[Armistead]

And just so we're clear, I don't hate anybody, especially women.

Should I cancel your prescription to the "He Man Women Haters Club"

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Just Curious
It's like seeing the bride just before the wedding. You saw her the first time you saw her. You saw her every time you dated. You saw her every time you could. You saw her when you proposed. In these modern times you've likely seen her naked. And now you're not supposed to see her in her wedding dress until she walks up the aisle??? What's that about, anyway?

Wait, what were we talking about? There was a question?

Oh, yeah, doctors and patients. When you're changing you're changing your clothes, no one but your significant other is supposed to see you in all your "glory". But once you have that hospital gown on your just another patient, and he/she is just another doctor. It's like when you're not embarrassed to have your spouse see you in the shower, and there's no problem with your best friend (or a total stranger, for that matter) seeing you in the locker room. But both of them at the same time? EEEEWWWWW!!!

At least that's my guess.

[Sailor Steve]

Dr Steve,

I keep an old just in case car.
Sorry, I don't do cars. Call Click & Clack.

No, wait, they're retired. I don't think they'le mind if I steal their material.

1992 Honda Civic..
There's your problem right there! :O:

I decided to take it to the store this morning, but it wouldn't crank. It sounded something like this...
Honda Civics got cranks? I thought they went out with the Model T. I'd get that looked at if I were you.

Rrrr Rrrr Rrrrrrrr clic clic Rrr Rrrr Rrrrrrrrrrrrr clic, paaa Boom.

What's wrong with it?
It's trying to tell you something. Wait. Hmmm.

I heard a cat say that once, but never a car. Take it to a mechanic. Or a vet.

[Sailor Steve]

Should I cancel your prescription to the "He Man Women Haters Club"
My subscription? You got me a subscription? I don't know whether to thank you or fire you.

Wait. Does it have pictures? Does it come with a free toaster? Maybe a Bowie knife? Case of soup?

Nah, keep it. The patients need something to read.

[Armistead]

Speaking of getting naked in front of Doctors, I'll share my most em-bare-assing moments, as I have much experience.

Once I had a heart cath, thought I was having a heart attack,(turns out I was just stressed and overworked trying to please my wife} for some reason they thought they needed to do this. You go into a large xray like room, get naked and lie flat on a cold steel table. There were several nurses standing in there. Course they were glancing as I got naked. The cold sure didn't help things. I'm getting ready to get a wire run through my heart and I'm worried what the girls are thinking. Anyway, finally a mean older ugly nurse comes over and says.

"You know why they call me Sgt. Carter around here"

I reply "no"

"Because I'm in charge of privates"

She then grabbed my wanker, streched it out, rolled it in a towel and taped it to my belly.

Case 2:

Had to get a lower GI a few years ago. Here I am on the table on all fours, butt in the air, nurse running a tube up my arse. Same thing, cold as heck, my turtle was hiding in it's shell. She is just chatting like normal, I just grunt once in a while as she shoves the tube up further, which I think she mistook for me answering her constant muttering, causing her to talk more. The subject somehow got on dogs, told her my wife owns a kennel and grooming business..blah blah....She was like " Oh, I love your wife, she grooms my dog." as she shoves harder.. A few weeks later my wife comes home and says " Cathy came in today" and starts laughing......I just walked away.

[Armistead]

My subscription? You got me a subscription? I don't know whether to thank you or fire you.

Wait. Does it have pictures? Does it come with a free toaster? Maybe a Bowie knife? Case of soup?

Nah, keep it. The patients need something to read.


I meant what I said, prescription.

[donna52522]

If you're the type that falls in love at first site

At first "site"? Do you mean falling in love at a first bowling alley, or first beach? Or do you mean someone who falls in love with A SITE, like a place with a beautiful view?

I think you should leave the questions for Dr. Steve to answer. He may not have all the answers, but at least he is not full of hate. Armistead, your outlook on love and relationships is a very cynical one, who hurt you....who hurt you?

Now button up your shirt before your heart falls out.

[Armistead]

At first "site"? Do you mean falling in love at a first bowling alley, or first beach? Or do you mean someone who falls in love with A SITE, like a place with a beautiful view?

I think you should leave the questions for Dr. Steve to answer. He may not have all the answers, but at least is is not full of hate. Armistead, your outlook on love and relationships is a very cynical one, who hurt you....who hurt you?

Now button up your shirt before your heart falls out.

I can't read the last line, I have poor eyesite. You know what I mean. Actually, I've always had a rather extensive vocabulary, not to mention a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of syntax. I simply chose not to employ them.

I am not full of hate, I love many things, a good book, my dog and mostly sarcasm...

Dr. Steve has all the answers and I admire his general dislike for humanity.

Don't forget .......two creams, one sugar....chop chop......

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/s480x480/188245_602599046420327_1757836692_n.jpg

[Wolferz]

Why do girls always want to come in our locker room?
Wouldn't it be same outside? Laughing at us? rediculing us?

I think decorum would dictate that this behavior should be reserved for when we are in our street clothes. Don't you?

[Sailor Steve]

I meant what I said, prescription.
Ooooohhhh...

[Sailor Steve]

I think you should leave the questions for Dr. Steve to answer.
At first sight I would like to cite you for your use of "site". On the other hand it could be argued that the place where the "first sight" took place would perforce have to also be the "first site". On the other other hand if you fell in love with someone because of the remarkable way they quoted things...

He may not have all the answers...
I have a lot of answers. I just wish one would make sense once in awhile.

but at least he is not full of hate.
I am full of hate, but only for one person. :sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

Why do girls always want to come in our locker room?
Girls come into your locker room??? :o

I think decorum would dictate that this behavior should be reserved for when we are in our street clothes. Don't you?
No.

I don't think. :dead:

[TarJak]

Dear Steve,

When is the next bus?

Grant

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

When is the next bus?

Grant
For me, 0952 tomorrow. I don't have any downunder schedules.

And I pronounced it "skedules", not "shedules". :O:

[Armistead]

Dr. Steve,

Why did God rest on the 7th day, was he tired?

Signed,

Mr. Sunday

[Sailor Steve]

Dr. Steve,

Why did God rest on the 7th day, was he tired?

Signed,

Mr. Sunday
Wouldn't you be after all that? That's a lot of stuff to make in just six days. I get pooped just thinking about it.

In his very first album back in '71, George Carlin asked the question of why people go to church on Sunday, when it's God's day off. "He's not there listening to you! He's out playing golf!"

Oh, by the way, the Seventh Day was Saturday. :O:

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

Is prune juice the answer all?


Mr. Plugged.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Is prune juice the answer all?


Mr. Plugged.
Is there such a thing as "prune juice"? A prune is a dried plum, and has no juice. If a dried grape is a raisin, and you drink grape juice, then why isn't it "plum juice".

I'm thinking of marketing my own brand of carbonated, sweetened plum juice. I don't know what to call it. 'Sailor Steve' sounds a bit pretentious. I think I'll ask my colleague, Dr. Pepper. :hmm2:

[AVGWarhawk]

Dear Steve,

Is there pepper in Dr. Pepper?


Mr. Sonny Delight

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve,

Is there pepper in Dr. Pepper?


Mr. Sonny Delight

LOL :)

[Red October1984]

Dear Steve,

Is there pepper in Dr. Pepper?


Mr. Sonny Delight

This inspires a question from me.


Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

Signed,

Number 5

[Red October1984]

Dear Steve,

I had a thought in the shower last night. It was that if we had fewer hospitals and less advanced medicine, natural selection would run it's course and we'd have less idiots in the world. We would be better off as a society without idiots right?

Should I be disturbed by this thought or am I right?

(This is an actual question. I actually had that thought...)

Signed,

Red October1984

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

Is there pepper in Dr. Pepper?


Mr. Sonny Delight
Not that I've ever tasted.

Well, there was that one time I was experimenting...

I even listened to them and tried hot Dr. Pepper once. :dead:

[Sailor Steve]

LOL :)
Not sure I understand the question. :-?

[Sailor Steve]

This inspires a question from me.
It would.

Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?
I am Pepper, and have been for a very long time.

Number 5
Johnny, m'man! And contrary to popular belief (well, no one asked, but that's neverstopped me before) David Naughton was not the voice of Number 5. He also had nothing to do with Number 6, but since I'm not a number, I'm a free man, I can make this up as I go along.

[Dowly]

Dear Steve,

If two goes into the Thunderdome, and one comes out, doesn't it get crowded
after a while? :hmmm:

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

I had a thought in the shower last night.
That's too much information right there! This is a family show! Don't ask, don't yell! Don't look, don't smell!

It was that if we had fewer hospitals and less advanced medicine, natural selection would run it's course and we'd have less idiots in the world. We would be better off as a society without idiots right?
You might want to rethink that. Everybody is somebody's idiot. What mistakes have you made in public lately?

Should I be disturbed by this thought or am I right?
Yes, you should be disturbed, but not for the reason you're thinking.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

If two goes into the Thunderdome, and one comes out, doesn't it get crowded
after a while? :hmmm:
No. Every night they go in with a weapons-grade mulcher. That's where the methane comes from.

[fireftr18]

Dear Steve,

I had a thought in the shower last night. It was that if we had fewer hospitals and less advanced medicine, natural selection would run it's course and we'd have less idiots in the world. We would be better off as a society without idiots right?

Should I be disturbed by this thought or am I right?

(This is an actual question. I actually had that thought...)

Signed,

Red October1984

I like the way you think. :up:

But you have to think about it. The idiots would be willing to wait even more hours, days, weeks, etc to get what they need to survive. Why, because they're idiots. :-j Can you see the circle that's starting? :doh:
Fortunately, the non-idiots don't go to the same places as idiots so they won't be affected. :up:

Steve, you don't mind me jumping in on your show do you? :03:

[Armistead]

Fireftr....is your name DR.STEVE?

You wanna play Doctor and answer questions, go start your own Doctor Steve thread.

[Sailor Steve]

ISteve, you don't mind me jumping in on your show do you? :03:
I wouldn't if you'd stop winking at me. You're making me nervous.

As for this whole "idiot" thing, I have to once again tell the same old boring story about Utah drivers. People in Utah complain about our awful drivers. I respond "Don't forget, you're one of them." They then get offended and ask if I'm calling them a bad driver. I say "Look at it this way. There are a million cars on the road every day in this city. If one half of one percent of those drivers do something stupid, then there are five thousand acts of stupidity taking place on our streets every day. You're bound to see at least one of them. Have you never, ever, made a mistake? If you have, and somebody saw it, then that somebody is complaining about stupid Utah drivers, and you're the one their complaining about."

So I'll say to you both, before you start condemning idiots, and especially hoping they die, don't forget that you are one. :sunny:

[Red October1984]

Fireftr....is your name DR.STEVE.

You wanna play Doctor and answer questions, go start your own Doctor Steve thread.

It would be Doctor Fireftr

[Red October1984]

I wouldn't if you'd stop winking at me. You're making me nervous.

As for this whole "idiot" thing, I have to once again tell the same old boring story about Utah drivers. People in Utah complain about our awful drivers. I respond "Don't forget, you're one of them." They then get offended and ask if I'm calling them a bad driver. I say "Look at it this way. There are a million cars on the road every day in this city. If one half of one percent of those drivers do something stupid, then there are five thousand acts of stupidity taking place on our streets every day. You're bound to see at least one of them. Have you never, ever, made a mistake? If you have, and somebody saw it, then that somebody is complaining about stupid Utah drivers, and you're the one their complaining about."

So I'll say to you both, before you start condemning idiots, and especially hoping they die, don't forget that you are one. :sunny:

Well...

I make mistakes all the time...but at least I didn't "bodyslam" a cactus...I don't play with poisonous snakes....I don't get drunk and shoot guns....I don't drink and drive.....

My mistakes are much smaller but people feel the need to always bring them to my attention.

[Sailor Steve]

It would be Doctor Fireftr
Start a thread for him. We'll see how it goes.

[Sailor Steve]

Well...

I make mistakes all the time...but at least I didn't "bodyslam" a cactus...I don't play with poisonous snakes....I don't get drunk and shoot guns....I don't drink and drive.....
People like that are their own worst enemies. You can make jokes about Darwin Awards, but there is a chance that if they survive they'll learn. Or not.

My mistakes are much smaller but people feel the need to always bring them to my attention.
July 20, 2005. I was driving up a busy street when something caught my attention. No, it wasn't a girl. I think it was a fancy car, but I don't really remember. I only looked for a second, but when I looked back the traffic had stopped in front of me. I didn't even have time to get my foot on the brake before I plowed into the back of a big SUV. The seatbelt saved my life; the airbag tore the skin off both my forearms. I was completely lucid and even managed to get the stuck door of the SUV open so the panicked woman could get out. The EMT asked if I could remember the crash, and I replied "Oh, yes. Vividly." He said that was good. I went to the hospital just in case, and I lived with some bruised ribs for a few weeks.

The point is that we are all idiots at one time or another. Yes, I'm an idiot. I'm also one of those awful Utah drivers. It happens. I just don't wish it on other people.

[donna52522]

I can't read the last line, I have poor eyesite. You know what I mean. Actually, I've always had a rather extensive vocabulary, not to mention a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of syntax. I simply chose not to employ them.

I am not full of hate, I love many things, a good book, my dog and mostly sarcasm...

Dr. Steve has all the answers and I admire his general dislike for humanity.

Don't forget .......two creams, one sugar....chop chop......

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/s480x480/188245_602599046420327_1757836692_n.jpg

That's a lot of big words for you...be sure to thank your friend for helping you to spell Google.

Two creams, one sugar? Everyone knows you take it straight up black...your poor boat always pulls into harbor knock'n-an-a-pinging because you won't share the lube with the Chief's....but Uncle Charlie is always pleased that you can squat on the docks and produce two torpedoes for future use.

[Armistead]

That's a lot of big words for you...be sure to thank your friend for helping you to spell Google.

Two creams, one sugar? Everyone knows you take it straight up black...your poor boat always pulls into harbor knock'n-an-a-pinging because you won't share the lube with the Chief's....but Uncle Charlie is always pleased that you can squat on the docks and produce two torpedoes for future use.

Actually, I'll take my coffee any way it's available.

We use lard down south, not lube.

Now, did you come here to insult my fine character or do you have a question for Dr. Steve? I suspect you have issues, so fire away.

[donna52522]

Dr.Steve,

Why do hillbillies use lard instead of a lube? And may I ask what the difference is?

I am from the Northern part of this wonderful country and am not familiar with the Southern Voodoo rituals that involve sacrificing family members, pets, and very small cute frogs from a neighbors yard.These are criminal acts according to my state laws.

Lard is for greasing bulls before blind people ride them, it is not for some sick deviated use by people who can see it's darn dangerous.

I plan on sending a strongly written letter to both, the people who sell Lard for entertainment purposes, and to those who think real bulls can replace the mechanical ones I have fallen in love with.

[Red October1984]

Dr.Steve,

Why do hillbillies use lard instead of a lube? And may I ask what the difference is?

I am from the Northern part of this wonderful country and am not familiar with the Southern Voodoo rituals that involve sacrificing family members, pets, and very small cute frogs from a neighbors yard.These are criminal acts according to my state laws.

Lard is for greasing bulls before blind people ride them, it is not for some sick deviated use by people who can see it's darn dangerous.

I plan on sending a strongly written letter to both, the people who sell Lard for entertainment purposes, and to those who think real bulls can replace the mechanical ones I have fallen in love with.

Hey, I can answer this one....

I'm "Southern" and we d-

Well....

Lard is for greasing bulls before blind people ride them

You've answered your question within your question. And there are no people who sell lard for entertainment. It's all homemade here.

:arrgh!:

[Jimbuna]

Dear Steve

I see your mate has returned...you must be so thrilled.

L Mao
















:O:

[Armistead]

Dr.Steve,

Why do hillbillies use lard instead of a lube? And may I ask what the difference is?

I am from the Northern part of this wonderful country and am not familiar with the Southern Voodoo rituals that involve sacrificing family members, pets, and very small cute frogs from a neighbors yard.These are criminal acts according to my state laws.

Lard is for greasing bulls before blind people ride them, it is not for some sick deviated use by people who can see it's darn dangerous.

I plan on sending a strongly written letter to both, the people who sell Lard for entertainment purposes, and to those who think real bulls can replace the mechanical ones I have fallen in love with.


Lard is commonly used in many cuisines as a cooking fat or shortening, or as a spread similar to butter. Simply, everything taste better with lard. Before Crisco, lard was in every home. You should try lard biscuits, best thar is...and makes a great pie crust.

I assure you Steve is old enough to remember the day when lard was used for cooking and other things. Lard contains no soy, good cheap sun tan lotion, it water proofs wood and metal and the kids love using it on the Slip & Slide. {down here we use a piece of 4mil poly}

Don't mess with Voodoo. I grew up in Charleston and knew several powerful African witches. I'm a great rootworker myself and know how to cast powerful spells. So watch it my pretty or maybe I send a flying house your way.

[Sailor Steve]

Well, since this has degenerated into Ubirats part 2, I'm outa here.

[Armistead]

Well, I'm not pay'n the rent. I'll put a sign on the door that you're not feeling well.

You should try Mama Janie Crawford, best known root worker in Charleston. She's been on several TV shows and I believe has a website. Look her up. I burnt my hand bad once, she called the fire right out and her root potion healed it right up, no scars....

[fireftr18]

Well, since this has degenerated into Ubirats part 2, I'm outa here.

:timeout:
Please don't go. We like you here. Who'll answer our questions? :know:
I promise I'll be good. :sunny: Can't say anything about Armistead or Wolferz. :arrgh!:

[Armistead]

:timeout:
Please don't go. We like you here. Who'll answer our questions? :know:
I promise I'll be good. :sunny: Can't say anything about Armistead or Wolferz. :arrgh!:

You've never had the ability to be good.

Dr. Steve just havn a minor digestive crisis, he'll return shortly.

[Wolferz]

Why am I being blamed for loosing Ubirats on your thread that was started by an Ubirat?
:arrgh!: He was born on a pirate ship and holds his tongue with his fingers when he says Ah Wah Bohn on a pihl ah shih.

[Armistead]

Why am I being blamed for loosing Ubirats on your thread that was started by an Ubirat?
:arrgh!: He was born on a pirate ship and holds his tongue with his fingers when he says Ah Wah Bohn on a pihl ah shih.


I started this long before you came here. Give Dr. Steve a break, he get's real moody depending on his mood and daily changing moral state. The good news is he is being treated by himself..or is it hisself, self....anyways....

[Wolferz]

Do you really pleasur....err treat yourself?:06:

[Sailor Steve]

Why am I being blamed for loosing Ubirats on your thread that was started by an Ubirat?
I didn't mention you at all.

[Sailor Steve]

Give Dr. Steve a break, he get's real moody depending on his mood and daily changing moral state. The good news is he is being treated by himself..or is it hisself, self....anyways....
Yes, it's true. Possibly more true than you can imagine. It's not easy pretending to be sane. :sunny:

[Sailor Steve]

Do you really pleasur....err treat yourself?:06:
Yes.

And it helps, but only for brief moments. The rest of the time I have to compare myself with the loonies who would ask a loonie like me for advice. :O:

[Armistead]

:timeout:
Please don't go. We like you here. Who'll answer our questions? :know:
I promise I'll be good. :sunny: Can't say anything about Armistead or Wolferz. :arrgh!:

You promising to be good! How many times have we heard that! You've laid to waste more threads than Sherman did southern cities. Maybe we should cut your tail off or have Donna shave you down like she did her cat.

http://ts4.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4860241714742427&pid=1.7&w=201&h=140&c=7&rs=1

[fireftr18]

Yes, it's true. Possibly more true than you can imagine. It's not easy pretending to be sane. :sunny:

Then why bother. It's more fun not pretending to be sane. At least people aren't shocked at what you do or say. They'll just say something like, "That's just Fireftr18 being his normal self." :haha:
You do understand I spent half my life willingly going into burning buildings, right? :06:

[Sailor Steve]

Then why bother. It's more fun not pretending to be sane. At least people aren't shocked at what you do or say. They'll just say something like, "That's just Fireftr18 being his normal self." :haha:
You do understand I spent half my life willingly going into burning buildings, right? :06:
That's part insanity, but mostly dedication.

As for pretending, I have to. It's part of the deal. If my true self came out they really would lock me up. :dead:

[Armistead]

That's part insanity, but mostly dedication.

As for pretending, I have to. It's part of the deal. If my true self came out they really would lock me up. :dead:

There's another side we haven't seen yet?

[Sailor Steve]

There's another side we haven't seen yet?
In some ways the people here don't know me at all. That's true of anybody on an internet forum, but yeah, there's a whole 'nother me.

[Cybermat47]

Dear Steve,

You do know that it looks like the fine young lad in your avatar is wearing a Ritterkreuz, right?

Sincerely,
Ritterkreuz Lover

[Sailor Steve]

Dear Steve,

You do know that it looks like the fine young lad in your avatar is wearing a Ritterkreuz, right?

Sincerely,
Ritterkreuz Lover
Yep. I only changed pictures as a test for Neal, but when I saw it with the 'award' I decided to keep it. :sunny:

[Armistead]

In some ways the people here don't know me at all. That's true of anybody on an internet forum, but yeah, there's a whole 'nother me.

A good Steve or a bad Steve.....Course, I suspect some of both.

I have never found a companion that was
so companionable as solitude.
We are for the most part more lonely
when we go abroad among men
than when we stay in our chambers.
A man thinking or working is always alone,
let him be where he will.
- Henry David Thoreau

[Sailor Steve]

The truth is always some of both. Anyone who denies it is a liar. Anyone who consistently plays down one and acts like the other is all there is has something to hide.

Like the quote, by the way.

[donna52522]

Dear DR. Steve,

Can you please inform some of your hillbilly friends that there is no such thing as Witches.......Maybe they are mistaken and do not know that many of my friends and their Coven's prefer to be known as Wiccan's.

Wow, old people s*ck.

[Armistead]

Dear DR. Steve,

Can you please inform some of your hillbilly friends that there is no such thing as Witches.......Maybe they are mistaken and do not know that many of my friends and their Coven's prefer to be known as Wiccan's.

Wow, old people s*ck.

THe Wiccan religion {i say that lightly} believes in Witches. "All Wiccans are Witches, but not all Witches are Wiccan"

[Red October1984]

Dear DR. Steve,

Can you please inform some of your hillbilly friends that there is no such thing as Witches.......Maybe they are mistaken and do not know that many of my friends and their Coven's prefer to be known as Wiccan's.

Wow, old people s*ck.

SHE'S A WITCH!

That right there is one of them witches. I'm sure of it! I seen one down at Tommy's field last week.

[Sailor Steve]

Dear DR. Steve,

Can you please inform some of your hillbilly friends that there is no such thing as Witches.......
I don't know any hillbillies and I don't Have any friends. One of the friends I don't have is a high-level computer expert but looks like a hillbilly.

Maybe they are mistaken and do not know that many of my friends and their Coven's prefer to be known as Wiccan's.
I don't know any witches or any Wiccans. I do know that you never use an apostrophe in a plural (it's "covens", not "coven's", and "Wiccans", not "Wiccan's").

Wow, old people s*ck.
I certainly hope so.

[Armistead]

BTW, Steve is old, I am not....

[Red October1984]

BTW, Steve is old, I am not....

Prove it! :hmmm:

[Armistead]

Prove it! :hmmm:

Is 49 old?