Biwwy and the new game

[Hottentot]

Biwwy has a payday. Like many other gamers, he too has been saving money lately to buy a highly anticipated title when it's released. Biwwy orders the game from the store and waits a few days for it to arrive. Finally the mailman brings the parcel and the exited Biwwy can't wait to get playing.


Biwwy: [Opens the parcel, takes out the disc] ”Hey, great, the game arrived in mail! I'll go install it right away and play it for the day!” [Puts the disc in the drive.]
Computer: [Loading...loading...loading...pop!] ”Hello, dear user! You seem to want to install the game. If you really want to install the game, press OK. If not, press cancel.”
Biwwy: [Clicks OK.]
Computer: ”You have chosen to install the game. If this is correct, press OK. If not, press cancel.”
Biwwy: [Clicks OK.]
Computer: ”Welcome to installing the game. This will install the game on your computer. You can choose the basic option or advanced option. Warning: only advanced users who are sure of what they are doing should choose the advanced option.”
Biwwy: [Clicks ”advanced”]
Computer: ”Please specify the folder where you want to install the game”
Biwwy: [Specifies folder]
Computer: ”You have specified this folder to install the game. Are you sure you want to install the game in this folder you just wrote down?”
Biwwy: [Clicks OK]
Computer: ”Installing Neverheardofyou-client. Please wait.”
Biwwy: ”Hey, wait a second? I don't want any clients on my computer! Cancel!”
Computer: ”To run the game you just bought, you need to have Neverheardofyou-client installed on your computer. Are you sure you want to cancel?”
Biwwy: ”WTF? What kind of options are those? Well OK, install it.”
Computer: ”Installing Neverheardofyou-client. Please wait a moment.”
Biwwy: [Tapping fingers]
Computer: ”Installation of Neverheardofyou-client is now finished! Press Finish to exit the installer.”
Biwwy: ”Huh? What about the game?”
Computer: ”To run the game you just bought you must open Neverheardofyou-client.”
Biwwy: ”What freaking sense is that supposed to make? [Grumbling], OK, fine, open the Neverheardofyou-client then.”
Computer: ”Opening Neverheardofyou-client. This requires Internet connection. You appear to be offline. Would you like to connect now?”
Biwwy: ”OK, fine.” [Connects to Internet]
Computer: ”Opening Neverheardofyou-client. Please wait.”
Biwwy: [Tapping fingers]
Computer: ”It appears that your Internet connection sucks. The Neverheardofyou-client failed to initialize properly. Would you like to turn off the millions of adverts to speed up the client?”
Biwwy: ”Yes.”
Computer: ”Changing Neverheardofyou-client into the light mode. Please restart your computer to finish the changes.”
Biwwy: [Deep sigh. Restarts the computer. Goes to have a coffee.]
Computer: ”Welcome back to the Neverheardofyou-client. This is the light version of the Neverheardofyou-client with not as many adverts. Would you like to turn on the full adverts to get informed about great deals that you might otherwise miss?”
Biwwy: ”No.”
Computer: ”Are you sure?”
Biwwy: ”Yes.”
Computer: ”What would you like to do?”
Biwwy: ”I'd like to install and play the damn game I paid for!”
Computer: ”Please create Neverheardofyou-client account.”
Biwwy: ”WHAT?!”
Computer: ”Please enter your username, password, phone number, home address, email address, gender, age and specify if you are a virgin or not.”
Biwwy: ”But I don't want any accounts!”
Computer: ”To install the game you bought you need to have account on Neverheardofyou. Are you sure you want to cancel?”
Biwwy: ”OK, fine” [grudgingly writes down fake account details]
Computer: ”Please prove that you are a human by writing down the following code: Dhggh3SHGF8953ufasudG+ASD.”
Biwwy: [Copies the code carefully]
Computer: ”You have chosen username which is already reserved. Please start over.”
Biwwy: [Bangs head on the desk and does it all over again.]
Computer: ”You have chosen username which is already reserved. Please start over.”
Biwwy: [Breaks down parts of his keyboard and tries again.]


Ten attempts later.


Biwwy: ”Finally! It worked!”
Computer: ”Searching... Neverheardofyou-client found one game on your account. Please wait while it is downloaded on your computer at 100kb/s. Estimated time: 7 hours, 14 minutes.”
Biwwy: ”Whut?! I have the freaking disc on my drive right now!”
Computer: ”Estimated time: 7 hours, 13 minutes.”
Biwwy: [Starts contemplating murder and goes cry himself to sleep.]


Next day


Computer: ”Your download is finished!”
Biwwy: ”Finally!” [Clicks install]
Computer: ”Installing game.”
Biwwy: [Tapping fingers]
Computer: ”Processing.”
Biwwy: [Tapping fingers]
Computer: ”Still processing.”
Biwwy: [Tapping fingers]
Computer: ”Oops! Something went wrong! Could not establish connection to the Neverheardofyou server. Please try again later. If the problem persists, call our support number (1,2€ / minute), which you can locate written with the fineprint somewhere on our website.”
Biwwy: [Dumbfounded stare.]


Biwwy calls the support number and waits in queue for fifteen minutes. Finally he gets vague instructions and thinly veiled sarcasm from the nasal voiced customer service guy and goes to install the game again. This time it works.


Biwwy: ”Hooray! And now for revenge! Uninstall Neverheardofyou-client!”
Computer: ”You are about to uninstall the Neverheardofyou-client. Are you sure you want to do this? None of the games you have on your account will work anymore after that.”
Biwwy: ”WTH are you possibly talking about?! I have the game on my computer! You downloaded it for hours!”
Computer: ”This game requires Neverheardofyou-client to run on the background whenever you want to play. Are you still sure you want to uninstall it?”
Biwwy: [Grumble, mumble, threats. Clicks cancel.]
Computer: ”You have clicked cancel. Are you sure you don't want to uninstall the Neverheardofyou-client. Really, really sure? Wouldn't it be very tempting to do it anyway?”
Biwwy: ”Don't try your luck.”
Computer: ”Cancelling. Would you like to launch the game now?”
Biwwy: ”Yes.”
Computer: ”Launching game. Please wait.”
Biwwy: [Waits. Deep sigh of relief when finally the game's loading screen appears.]
Computer: [Pops up a new window to obscure the game's screen] ”This appears to be the first time you are playing this game. Would you like Neverheardofyou-client to take screenshots of your worst blunders and automatically send them to everyone in the Internet to show how poor player you are?”
Biwwy: [Angrily dismisses the pop-up and the ”are you really sure of this” window too.] OK, this doesn't look all that bad. Things are looking up. Now I'll...”
Computer: [POP!] ”Hello! This game uses Shadyprogram-client to enhance your game. If you are reading this, the Shadyprogram-client has been automatically installed on your computer. Would you like to sign in the Shadyprogram-client now to enhance your gameplay?”
Biwwy: [Clicks no]
Computer: ”Are you sure? Without the Shadyprogram-client some of the game's extra features will be disabled.”
Biwwy: ”Yes, go away and let me play!”
Computer: ”But...”
Biwwy: [Dismisses the pop-ups and starts playing.]


Three hours later


Biwwy: ”Man, this game is awesome! Too bad I can't play it any more today. Time to save and continue tomorrow.” [Goes to the savepoint]
Computer: ”It appears you are trying to save your game. Saving game requires Shadyprogram-client to be activated. Would you like to sign in now?”
Biwwy: ”You can't be serious!”
Computer: ”Saving game failed. Please sign into the Shadyprogram-client.”
Biwwy: ”OK, fine!”
Computer: ”Hello! Welcome to signing into the Shadyprogram-client! Please enter your account details!”
Biwwy: ”But I don't have an account! Isn't it enough that I already created one for the previous client?!” [Tries to enter the old details]
Computer: ”Sign in failed. You specified either invalid username or password. If you don't have an account, you can easily create a new one.”
Biwwy: ”I'm in a hurry here already! OK, let's do it quickly then!”
Computer: ”Please enter your username, password, phone number, home address, email address, gender, age and specify if you are a virgin or not.”
Biwwy: [Grumble, mumble, rant, beeb]
Computer: ”Please prove that you are a human by writing down the following code: JF8wet8YVHVP9(/f097EDÙFåå”
Biwwy: [Copies the code carefully]
Computer: ”You have chosen username which is already reserved. Please start over.”
Biwwy: [Quickly does everything again]
Computer: ”You have chosen username which is already reserved. Please start over.”
Biwwy: ”RAAAAAARGGH!!!!!!!”


Ten attempt later


Biwwy: ”Finally! It worked!”
Computer: ”Welcome to the Shadyprogram-client! Would you like to save your game now?”
Biwwy: ”YES!!!”
Computer: ”The Shadyprogram-client needs to download an update before your game can be saved. Please wait.”
Biwwy: ”This can't get any worse.” [Waits.]
Computer: ”Update successfully downloaded!”
Biwwy: ”Aweso...”
Computer: ”Your computer needs to restart in order to finish updating. Any unsaved data will be lost. The Shadyprogram-client will automatically restart your computer now. Have a nice day!”


And that, children, is why we have the youth suffering from so many mental health problems and acting spontaneously violently on the streets these days.

[Cybermat47]

Solution: Get it on console.

[Raptor1]

Fake! I know this can't be true because Biwwy didn't have to wait three days after receiving the disc in the mail before he could install because the game hasn't been unlocked on the Neverheardofyou Online Store yet.

Originally Posted by Cybermat47

Solution: Get it on console.

Solution 2: Rise up in armed revolution and burn down the game publisher industry.

[Cybermat47]

Originally Posted by Raptor1

Solution 2: Rise up in armed revolution and burn down the game publisher industry.

That sounds like fun!

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Raptor1

Fake! I know this can't be true because Biwwy didn't have to wait three days after receiving the disc in the mail before he could install because the game hasn't been unlocked on the Neverheardofyou Online Store yet.

OK, you got me, I wrote it myself.

[Sailor Steve]

Absolutely brilliant!

Originally Posted by Cybermat47

Solution:

Not anymore.

[Kazuaki Shimazaki II]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

And that, children, is why we have the youth suffering from so many mental health problems and acting spontaneously violently on the streets these days.

There has to be a version swimming on the Internet that has all these things bypassed...

[Wolferz]

Does Biwwy still have hair?

Aren't anti-piracy games fun?

Paid your hard earned money for a dirty Sanchez and a Long John Silver all at once.

Things that make you go...

[MH]

Good one.

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Kazuaki Shimazaki II

There has to be a version swimming on the Internet that has all these things bypassed...

Common sense makes you criminal, citizen. Please stand by while we calculate how many millions of dollars your will to not use our client programs has cost us [sound of someone throwing a dart] and wait for the police van to take you to the court. Take your credit card with you.

[GoldenRivet]

who do you have to thank for things like this?

do you know anyone who has illegal downloads or pirated copies of a game or software?

oh you do?

good... follow these steps

1. walk up to him

2. offer a greeting

3. kick him as hard as you can square in the testicles

4. spit in his crying face

5. go home and get a steam account

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by GoldenRivet

5. go home and get a steam account

I did. I also had to get a Windows Live account. And if I want to see how the Mass Effect trilogy ends, I'll have to get an Origin account. I wonder how many accounts I still need just to continue my hobby.

[Wolferz]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

I did. I also had to get a Windows Live account. And if I want to see how the Mass Effect trilogy ends, I'll have to get an Origin account. I wonder how many accounts I still need just to continue my hobby.

Pretty soon, all of them.

[Wolferz]

Originally Posted by GoldenRivet

who do you have to thank for things like this?

do you know anyone who has illegal downloads or pirated copies of a game or software?

oh you do?

good... follow these steps

1. walk up to him

2. offer a greeting

3. kick him as hard as you can square in the testicles

4. spit in his crying face

5. go home and get a steam account

Nope, I don't know a single human being, friend or otherwise, that pirates games. Mainly because if they do tell me of piracy on their part, they're no longer my friend. I can't trust them not to steal from me.

I have Steam but resisted it for a great while... until I bought a copy of The Elder Scrolls V. Imagine my disappointment after discovering that the only code on the disc was the Steam client and had to endure a painfully slow download of the actual game files from them over my high speed connection.

[Red October1984]

This is funny.

I'd gladly support an Armed Revolution against Game Publishers to end this.