The story begins help please

[Tommy111478]

Hello everyone I am new here and new to fiction writing but here are a few lines of a story I am working on feed back is very much appreciated no matter what. I am just wondering if I should continue this or stop even trying.
Thank you all,
Tom

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Kapitanleutnant Wolfgang Guissler stands alone at the end of an abandoned dock in the city of Kiel, Germany. He watches as a lone u-boat slice through the harbors, glass like, still water. Wolfgang gives a silent wave to the watch crew aboard the submarine. He wishes them well on their patrol, and for his own soon to come. Neither Wolfgang nor the crew of the u-boat could know that in seven years 30,000 of their comrades would be laying in watery graves.

Seagulls twist and turn in the air, like Me-109 fighters fighting in the skies over Poland, looking for scraps of fish, as a cold northerly wind bites hard into Wolfgang’s weather hardened face, a face age well beyond his twenty-nine years. Having been in the German navy for the past 10 years the stresses of command in combination with the tough north Atlantic weather have taken their toll on Wolfgang’s looks. Although not an ugly man, or so the ladies in several ports say, small lines have begun to appear around his eyes, eyes the color of the ocean he loves so much. Streaks of grey are appearing along the sides of his dark rusty blonde hair.

As the first rays of sunshine begin to grow from the east Wolfgang turns to leave to dock and begins his long walk towards the Kiel navy yards’ submarine pens and his first command. Since joining the navy Wolfgang has never had a ship to call his own always serving under other captains. Now the U-297 is his and all the responsibilities that come with it.

[Respenus]

Nice. I like all u-boat stories. BUT, make sure you continue with some action. OK, descriptions are nice and show with what detail you can continue your writing, so write a battle report (sinking ships, destroyers hunting you,... that kind of stuff), add a bit of personal drama, and VOULA, you have yourself a nice little story!

Keep on writing lad!

[Tommy111478]

Oh I definatly will write a battle scene. I just wanted to get a feel for what other people thought og my writing first. I normally write just hard news stories and the such. This is my first foray into fiction, although it is and historical fiction at that. Thanks for the help.

[SteamWake]

Looks like a good start..

As a friendly mild critique...

Try to find some alternate nouns for "Wolfgang" such as captain or commander. Repeating wolfgang over and over becomes .... well repetitive.

Use paragraphs. Im assuming this was typed in word or something and it ripped your formatting up. Still if your going to post it for public display take a few moments to straighten it out.

Lastly there seems to be a bit of continuity problem as in the beginning you have Wolfgang waving to the crew, a few paragraphs later you have him walking to the boat.

This part

"Wolfgang’s weather hardened face, a face age well beyond his twenty-nine years. Having been in the German navy for the past 10 years the stresses of command in combination with the tough north Atlantic weather have taken their toll on Wolfgang’s looks"

was very well crafted.

[Gizzmoe]

The name of the city is "Kiel" btw, not "Keil"!

[Tommy111478]

Thanks again, yes it was done in word and just ripped to here. I should have checked it. I don't mind the constructive help either so keep it coming.

[Safe-Keeper]

I sense potential in Tommy here. He puts effort into describing things, which makes things come alive, and he seems to like writing, which is always good.

My input:
- "Weather-hardened" should be tied together with a dash ("-").
- Keep developing your characters' personalities. This is key to immersion.

Try to find some alternate nouns for "Wolfgang" such as captain or commander. Repeating wolfgang over and over becomes .... well repetitive.

That goes for everything, not just names of people. Avoid repeating words.

For example, instead of writing:
"The submarine U-60 was the newest addition to the Submerian fleet. Although the submarine was deemed..." ("Submarine" is repeated)

Write: "The submarine U-60 was the newest addition to the Submerian fleet. Although the vessel/boat was deemed..." (submarine replaced by other word)

"The submarine U-60 was the newest addition to the Submerian fleet. Although it was deemed..." (word replaced by "it")

"The submarine U-60 was the newest addition to the Submerian fleet. Although deemed..." ("sub" cut out altogether)

Oh, and this is not directed at Tommy, but to all writers.